3 weeks gone...counseling starts tonite...scared & nervous...
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Join Date: Jun 2011
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3 weeks gone...counseling starts tonite...scared & nervous...
Good Monday morning to all! Update from me. Tonight at 5:30 we go see a marriage therapist for the first time. I begged for counseling years ago but he said we didn’t need it. Said I was crazy/wacko for thinking we needed “COOOUUUUNSELING”. So, now that I left him the week of 1/23 and it “opened his eyes” he’s asked if we can go to counseling. I reminded him that I did not believe it was going to help as the verbal/emotional abuse and alcohol he drinks every day has put me out so far in my feelings for him that I truly believe there is no reconciliation to be sought at this point in our lives. 21 years together and eight years of him being this way NOW he wants to try to fix it? After I moved everything of MINE out of our marital home, rented a home and we are now all settled in? This truly just pisses me off!
I did let him know that I would go with him to “start” so we could find out if the therapist could figure out WHY he treats me and others this way (I asked him and he doesn’t know why either, my guess is some sort of personality disorder). Why he’s so angry. Why he thinks he has to drink whiskey EVERY day of the fricken week (although he claims he’s not had a drop since I left…….other than beer (rolling eyes)). I am so mad right now and at the same time I am also feeling we are getting along better APART than we ever have together. He’s saying THANK YOU to me for little things I have done for him, he’s respecting my boundaries, he’s spending MORE time with our son like he should have done before and I was sick over the weekend (stomach flu) and he called out of the blue again…and asked if I needed anything. Obviously that movie “Fireproof” impacted him as much as he says it did.
I truly think and believe this counseling will bring a lot of things out and he will see and realize how hurt and damaged I am over the past eight years. What he’s done to me and my self esteem. From what I have read on the web and from what you ladies have told me these types of men will never be “fixed”. It’s in their genes, it’s who they are and how they were raised and I don’t ever want to subject me or our son to that kind of behavior again. I also think he’s going to find out that I wasn’t kidding when I said I wanted him to get counseling…NOT just marriage counseling but also AA – because he truly believes he doesn’t have an alcohol “problem” – just when he drinks whiskey. I also believe it’s not the alcohol that turns the person into who they are just that the alcohol is helping that person show their true self. Does that make sense? LOL As I said before, I have two voice recordings of our arguments and I am thinking about uploading them to You Tube to see what other think of them (good or bad idea?). No one would know they are us and I see there are others on there as well. I am going to listen to some of them this week for sure because I didn’t know they were there before.
Anyway some advice needed for me…..I have been on Wellbutrin XL for a few months now at least. I feel it’s not working (anymore) like I think it should because I cry at the drop of a hat since I left my husband. I tear up over everything I swear…..has anyone tried that anti-depressent you take WITH your regular antidepressant to help it along more? Just curious. I think I need something more or…I don’t know…..just wait it out and get through this but I don’t see it ending anytime soon that’s why I think I need some extra help in that area.
Thanks everyone.
I did let him know that I would go with him to “start” so we could find out if the therapist could figure out WHY he treats me and others this way (I asked him and he doesn’t know why either, my guess is some sort of personality disorder). Why he’s so angry. Why he thinks he has to drink whiskey EVERY day of the fricken week (although he claims he’s not had a drop since I left…….other than beer (rolling eyes)). I am so mad right now and at the same time I am also feeling we are getting along better APART than we ever have together. He’s saying THANK YOU to me for little things I have done for him, he’s respecting my boundaries, he’s spending MORE time with our son like he should have done before and I was sick over the weekend (stomach flu) and he called out of the blue again…and asked if I needed anything. Obviously that movie “Fireproof” impacted him as much as he says it did.
I truly think and believe this counseling will bring a lot of things out and he will see and realize how hurt and damaged I am over the past eight years. What he’s done to me and my self esteem. From what I have read on the web and from what you ladies have told me these types of men will never be “fixed”. It’s in their genes, it’s who they are and how they were raised and I don’t ever want to subject me or our son to that kind of behavior again. I also think he’s going to find out that I wasn’t kidding when I said I wanted him to get counseling…NOT just marriage counseling but also AA – because he truly believes he doesn’t have an alcohol “problem” – just when he drinks whiskey. I also believe it’s not the alcohol that turns the person into who they are just that the alcohol is helping that person show their true self. Does that make sense? LOL As I said before, I have two voice recordings of our arguments and I am thinking about uploading them to You Tube to see what other think of them (good or bad idea?). No one would know they are us and I see there are others on there as well. I am going to listen to some of them this week for sure because I didn’t know they were there before.
Anyway some advice needed for me…..I have been on Wellbutrin XL for a few months now at least. I feel it’s not working (anymore) like I think it should because I cry at the drop of a hat since I left my husband. I tear up over everything I swear…..has anyone tried that anti-depressent you take WITH your regular antidepressant to help it along more? Just curious. I think I need something more or…I don’t know…..just wait it out and get through this but I don’t see it ending anytime soon that’s why I think I need some extra help in that area.
Thanks everyone.
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Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Quebec
Posts: 2,708
qbert...I wonder why you are going through counselling at this point, considering your anger at the situation. Is it required for you to go through a few sessions of counselling in order to proceed with the divorce? Do you feel obligated to attend because you "owe" your AH? Are you hoping that through counselling he will "see the light", atone and finally understand the hell he's put you through?
From where I sit, this counselling thing is causing you a lot of stress and I wonder if it's entirely necessary. Perhaps it can be done at a later time...at the moment, it might be useful for you to go into counselling *for yourself*.
As for depression, though it runs in my family (bipolar and major depressive episodes), I have been able to avoid anti-depressants by using regular exercise. It's the only thing that keeps me sane, even though most of the time I have to DRAAAG myself out to go do it. Perhaps it's something you could consider?
From where I sit, this counselling thing is causing you a lot of stress and I wonder if it's entirely necessary. Perhaps it can be done at a later time...at the moment, it might be useful for you to go into counselling *for yourself*.
As for depression, though it runs in my family (bipolar and major depressive episodes), I have been able to avoid anti-depressants by using regular exercise. It's the only thing that keeps me sane, even though most of the time I have to DRAAAG myself out to go do it. Perhaps it's something you could consider?
Member
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Columbia MO
Posts: 1,127
qbert,
When I first went to marriage counseling the couselor told us her goal for us would be:
1) Deciding if we could work things out for the long haul.
2) If we could not work things out, could she help us find a way to split amicably.
So if your therapist take that track, then maybe it will be worth attending.
In regards to your meds., have you tried other brands instead of adding an enhancer? Did you get your wllbutrin from a regular MD or a Psychiatrist, my pain docotr was just going to switch me from prozac to cymbalta cold turkey, I am so glad I inisted that I see a psychiatrist, he migrated my meds over a 3 month period.
I have found WebMD to be a good source of feedback when I am thinking pf adding or changing any meds, also the Mayo Clinic website has been helpful.
Hope this helps,
Big hugs,
Bill
When I first went to marriage counseling the couselor told us her goal for us would be:
1) Deciding if we could work things out for the long haul.
2) If we could not work things out, could she help us find a way to split amicably.
So if your therapist take that track, then maybe it will be worth attending.
In regards to your meds., have you tried other brands instead of adding an enhancer? Did you get your wllbutrin from a regular MD or a Psychiatrist, my pain docotr was just going to switch me from prozac to cymbalta cold turkey, I am so glad I inisted that I see a psychiatrist, he migrated my meds over a 3 month period.
I have found WebMD to be a good source of feedback when I am thinking pf adding or changing any meds, also the Mayo Clinic website has been helpful.
Hope this helps,
Big hugs,
Bill
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
How about some counseling for yourself first? It doesn't sound as if your husband is on board with the idea, or even willing to admit there may be a problem with his drinking.
I spent over a year in counseling before I invited my RAH to attend any sessions - and we even went to a different counselor for that - and he was sober for over a year. Even then, it was a difficult and painful process.
I spent over a year in counseling before I invited my RAH to attend any sessions - and we even went to a different counselor for that - and he was sober for over a year. Even then, it was a difficult and painful process.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 447
My take on it is simple.
It is HIS responsibility to find out those answers...not yours.
By even asking you to go he is trying to get you to shoulder some of that responsibility and it isn't your place to do so.
I would say...if he wants to change...HE can go to couseling...he can find those answers, make the changes he needs to, enter a program...and SHOW you he can be a better person.
Girl your out already right? Why in the Hell would you even consider getting sucked back in...?????? Don't fall for it...it's like one of those wiley coyote traps....run like hell and don't look back!
It is HIS responsibility to find out those answers...not yours.
By even asking you to go he is trying to get you to shoulder some of that responsibility and it isn't your place to do so.
I would say...if he wants to change...HE can go to couseling...he can find those answers, make the changes he needs to, enter a program...and SHOW you he can be a better person.
Girl your out already right? Why in the Hell would you even consider getting sucked back in...?????? Don't fall for it...it's like one of those wiley coyote traps....run like hell and don't look back!
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