Farfalla

I moved out Saturday. Me and my children moved to my parents. We are all sad as expected. I am just showering my children with love and limiting the amount of info I share with them regarding their dad and his use. He is quacking and I am trying to remain firm and strong. I know I had to remove my kids from active addiction but my recovery is still very fresh and I am worried I will give in to his manipulation. The texts asking me to come home. But if nothing changes nothing changes. I am hoping you all can give me words of encouragement and support. I am especially hoping Anvil and Cynical respond. I need you all to keep it real and keep me grounded no matter how sad I am. If anyone has any guidance with the kids and dealing with their feelings I appreciate your feedback.

JustAYak

How old are the kids? Depending on how old they are, I wouldn't "hold back" necessarily. They need to know why you separated them from him, the real reason. Obviously, if they're still young they're not going to understand everything about addiction, but even if they're 7+ they can (and should) know that their dad has a problem that made him ill equipped for parenting and that he doesn't love them any less (stress this)....I'm sure you aren't doing this, but don't bad mouth him in front of your kids, don't complain about him or speak of him in a way that would diminish his importance in your kid's lives. Don't talk negatively about him around your kids, it makes them think they have to take sides.

I think you're doing fine, just make sure you answer any questions they have honestly and openly...acknowledge and validate their feelings during this difficult time for them. Let them express themselves in any [appropriate] way they want to. No feeling is a wrong feeling...I wish I had known that when I was a kid navigating the crazy waters of addiction.

Farfalla

Kids know everything they are just spent emotionally don't want to hear anymore.

Impurrfect

(((Farfella))) - the only experience I have with kids is my niece...her mom, my baby stepsister, died at 18, my niece was 1 year old. Her "dad" is an A, been in and out of jail her whole life. My dad/stepmom raised her, and my stepmom felt so bad about her losing her mom, she let the niece do whatever she wanted. My dad tried, but stepmom would "undo" any boundaries he tried to enforce, and he's now turned into a total codie.

At 18, my niece has some major anger issues, has been "experimenting" with drugs/alcohol since she was 11. I'm an RA and recovering codie. My stepmom is an addict.

My niece (I lovingly call her "the brat") and I have butted heads a lot of times. I am the only person in her life that sets boundaries, and she's threatened to "beat your a$$) more than a few times. I told her, she lays a hand on me, I will call the cops. She knows I mean what I say. On the other hand, when her "dad" was airlifted to an ER I used to work in, his stepmom told her she needed to "get there quick, he may die!!", I called the ER, explained the situation and found out he was fine...he just took too much dope. My nieces "grandmother" had told her to come alone..she's a manipulative woman. The brat told me "I would take you with me...I KNOW you've got my back".

It's been a rough road. I seriously think she needs counseling, but she refuses. She wants something for her depression and "nerves" because she's seen my stepmom get drugs for those and share them with her.

I'm pretty much powerless over her. However, I've been in recovery for almost 5 years, she's lived through my "stupid" years, and through my recovery. The best I can do is live MY recovery and hope that some of what I tell her sinks in. She is the child I never had, she tells people I am her sister, even though we are 32 years apart.

I have no legal authority over her, but if I did, I'd have had her in counseling years ago. She's a teenager, she's confused, hurt, and angry....feelings I do believe she's entitled to. However, I truly think she needs to talk to someone who "gets" what she's been through.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

JustAYak

Well then I think you're doing the right thing and stepping back. Let them come to you

Heartbroken0608

I'm so proud of you for removing your children from an unhealthy environment! It's always hard on kids when their parents separate but it is so much harder living with active addiction. Although what you did was hard i believe it was the right thing.

I'm not sure how old your children are but I'd recommend making sure they know that the separation is not their fault, that you both still love them just as much as ever and always will. The reason for the separation is not something you need to get into, especially if they're young. A simple "mommy and daddy have some disagreements we're having trouble working out" should suffice. just as you wouldn't disclose details of an affair or other adult issues with your children, I don't see the need to disclose issues involving the addiction.. again, this is assuming they're young.

If they're old enough to have seen and understood some of the chaos the addiction has caused the conversation will be a lot different. I'm here because of my AS. I have a non-a daughter who is 15. Although she knew her brother was having problems I've tried shielding her from the details in hopes of protecting her. That was a mistake. We had a long talk the other night and she informed me that she was having a real hard time because she knew something was seriously wrong but no one was telling her exactly what was going on. I apologized, filled her in, and she felt better. Of course she's upset, she loves her brother, but as least now she knows what's really going on. So, if they're old enough that they probably know what's going on be as honest as you can and answer all their questions. Otherwise I'd treat this as you would if you and your husband were separating for any other reason.

I'm sorry your children are sad. Just keep showing them how much you love them and know that by removing them from living with an active addict you are being a great mom!

Farfalla

The kids are 14 and 19. My son who is the 14 year old is very sad. He is pretty knowledgable to what his father is doing and the addiction disease itself. My son is in therapy. There is only one alateen meeting in my area and it isn't really close to our home and very late. My daughter is away at college. She is very busy with school, working and sorority pledging. She understands why I had to make the move. I explained to both the kids as best as I could that I have to get out of their dad's way. By me staying with him I make his life cushy and he will never reach his bottom. You are so right my children and me deserve consistency. Intellectually I know what I am doing is right. Emotionally we love and we love our ALO's hard (that is what us codies do). We love them to their death. Change is hard. I think in time my son will adjust. Afterall, he went from a one parent household to a household with three parents now (me, my mom and dad). We are getting his tv hooked up today in his room to Comcast so he will have tv. His wireless is set up and his xbox is all set up. He has his clothes all organized in his closet and a queen bed now. His room is already very comfortable and blue in color. :>) My daughter is in the pink room as a call it. Bigger closet and a queen bed as well. Her rug is pink. Her tv is in her room and is getting hooked up today as well. Me, I took the smaller of the three rooms. I don't need much...just happiness, peace and serenity. I thought I found this in my husband but...
I can't say I didn't try. I mean I spent 20 years dealing with this and forgave and forgave and forgave. The lieing, cheating, stealing, verbal and physical abuse, the addiction, the rehab, the sacrificing of family vacations, the dui's...the list goes on and on. How much more can me and my children endure? I have to keep telling myself this is not my fault. I have to stop feeling guilty for his sorrow that he caused.

washbe2

You did right! At least in my eyes. I was married 23 years to someone who was smoking weed, taking pills, etc. on top of endless cheating. I stayed for my boys and tried to protect them from what their dad did. Turns out after the marriage ended, my oldest finally confessed to me that he knew all along what his dad was doing. He said that's why his dad never really disciplined him. His dad knew that son knew and would tell me.

So I stayed to protect my boys so they wouldn't grow up screwed up. But that didn't happen. My son has been an addict for the most of the last 20 years. So now I second guess myself and say maybe if I had left when they were small, sons may have been okay. I'll never know. But I do know that it was not right to keep them there for them or for me.

Take care. There is a lot of wisdom on this site. Read and listen.

sofacat

"He is quacking and I am trying to remain firm and strong."

Perhaps a firm boundary is in order. Keep all communication with him (texts included) pertaining to your children only.

Consequence? You will block all communication with him, and a mediator may communicate with you on his behalf, your behalf or both. The end.

Remove the duck and you won't hear the quacking.

That's just my two cents.


**** What I did for awhile there: I changed my XAH's picture on my phone to a duck, the ringer to a duck quacking, and his name to: "Don't believe him" <- true story.

FindingJoy

OMG sofacat you are awesome!!!

I blocked my EXABs numbers but just in case I changed the name on all of his contact info to "NO MORE"

The duck idea is great. This guy is a master quacker so perhaps a duck in uniform would work best. HA