herewegoagain1

I typed this long post and it disappearded. So to make my long story short. I am a wife of a addicted husband. We have 2 girls 1 toddler 1 pre teen. My husband for our whole marriage has been addicted to something. Alcohol, meth, xanax, pills, coke, blah blah. Here is some history. 6 yrs ago I found out my husband was a meth addict, life got crazy, painful, and blurry for me. He had been on meth for 2 yrs I think b4 I found it in his pocket. I tried to help him but due to the unpredictability of him and this drug I left for a yr with my oldest girl who was a pre schooler then. We were gone for 1 yr then my husband and I got back together got in church life was good for 2 yrs. We got out of church I got preg with my youngest he started drinking AGAIN. I swore that I would leave if he ever drank ha here I am still. Well for the last yr and a half he has lost weight been shady, distant, etc. He is always at work lol ok or at his garage. He chooses to stear clear of us (myself, and our girls) After confronting him over and over he finally admitted he was on pills roxy, oxy, and hydro whatever he could get. NO he has not had a injury he takes these just bc he wants too. Anyhow he looks awful, lost 20 lbs, moody, eats junk food (unusual), hygeine is horrible, etc etc. I plan on leaving bc his addiction has ruined our lives. My daughter the pre teen is a mess she has anxiety issues (im sure from the fighting and non stable life we have here) His parents my in laws do not know of his problem. He has begged me not to tell due to his dads health issues. My husband DOES NOT see the problem he is causing. He knows I am plannning to leave and still does not change his behavior. When he first told me about his addiction I offered to help as mad as I was and am for all the lies, missing money, avoidence of us, I made him an apt to a outpatient clinic for help he was going to go but of course had a excuse as to why he couldnt go. 4 wks I offered to help he put it off. Now he says he does not want to go. His lying is insane, I have so much anger and resentment towards him for what he has done to me and our girls. my oldest has seen so much from the violent moods from the meth in the past to slobbering drunk to now absent dad all day who passes out on the couch and never spends time with us. I am at wits end. I am numb, I am tired. When I think of moving out and having stability with my girls I feel so much relief and happiness inside but yet my oldest is upset and cries she doesnt want to leave daddy. I dont know what to do. He spends 100 a wk on pills!!!!! that is crazy. I sometimes wonder if he is on something else since he has lost some much weight. But he still eats some and sleeps. Help I feel so lost confused and alone. I want to tell his mom but rather wait till I am about to move so the girls dont hv to deal with the tension from the secret being out. Someone I NEED ADVICE... Also is eating sweets, bad hygeine, mood swings, weight loss, and drinking coffee at midnight sound opiate related or something more?

Impurrfect

I'm so sorry you and your children are going through this. I'm an RA (recovering addict) and a recovering codie (codependent) who has loved A's (alcholics, addicts) and still do.

Is there any chance you can get your oldest into counseling? My niece, who's mom died when she was a year old (car wreck) has an A dad, my dad/stepmom raised her and set NO boundaries, she has NO clue what consequences are, and she's acting out because of this and the fact that her "dad" (sperm donor) has never been a part of her life because he was too busy chasing the dope.

I'm the only person who sets boundaries with her. She's now 18, LOVES her alcohol (though she is underage) because it numbs her feelings. I pushed for her to get counseling, but it didn't go well..I was going to the same center and she was convinced that what *I* said would get back to her counselor and no reassurance that it wouldn't would calm her down.

Today? We have a love/hate relationship. She absolutely HATES when I don't do what she wants, but she's also said "I know that you are the one who will ALWAYS have my back".

For me? I will never be in a relationship with anyone using/drinking. It literally sucked the life out of me (over 20 years, developed my own addiction to deal with the A's in my life).

SR has been a huge part of both my recoveries. I recently slipped, big time, into codie-land, wanted to be numb, but I came here and got re-grounded.

You and your children do not deserve having to walk around on eggshells because of his behavior, and your oldest daughter needs to know that the feelings she's going through are normal for the situation. She loves him, she hates what he's doing.

There is a ton of support for all of you. SR is a great place, has worked for me going on 5 years, but many need professionals who deal with addiction, al-anon, nar-anon, ala-teen, or some other f2f support.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

Willybluedog

Welcome to you, so glad you are here.

Your old post is in newcomers to recovery, may have been moved, you could ask the moderators for more information.

As an ACOA (adult child of an alcoholic) I am so glad you have decided to get your kids out of that environment, I believe all of you will feel so much better without all the added stress.

I have no experience with opiates, but growing up with a mother addicted to alcohol and a father who enabled her behavior and add in verbal and physical abuse by both of them and you have one miserable kid.

I am here if you want to talk, vent, or need a hug, please come back often and let us know how you are doing.

Big hugs and best of luck,

Bill

Pelican

Welcome to the SR family!

I'm sorry for the reason you came, but glad you found this community.
We offer support, encouragement and a place to voice your concerns.

I hope you will spend time reading in the stickies (older, permanent posts at the top of the forum page) and I hope you will vent, post and share whatever is on your mind.

I will share one of my favorite stickies with you. This post contains steps to follow while living with a loved ones addiction. I followed these steps and they helped me regain my focus:

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html

naive

my alcholic displayed all of these behaviors and didn't use drugs other than alcohol. he'd eat sweets when he couldn't get alcohol, because alcohol metabolizes to sugar so his body was craving sugar.

what's your plan for leaving?

herewegoagain1

Thank you all for your response! I am sorry to hear that you all have felt the pain I feel as well but thankful that I can meet people who can support me and what I am going thru. I wanted to reply to each of you but also wanted to get on her before my daughter woke up so she wouldnt try to be nosey and see what I say etc. She doesnt know her dad is on pills but knows something is wrong.

I did read the 10 steps about dealing with an addicts. It does make me angry when I hear "he is sick, he has a disease" Ok well people with illnesses dont choose to be ill. They dont wake up on day and say I think I will get cancer today! This bothers me. He was sick with a meth addiction, he got clean, He had another chance. It was the only 2 yrs out of my 11 with him he had been sober. HE made a choice to travel the road of addiction again. He made the choice to take that 1st pill to get high..... He kept making the choice till now here we are dealing with a addiction that has destroyed our marriage. I just dont understand. I know he has an addictive personality it doesnt matter what it is he does it to his best ability and committs even if that means to his lil blue pills. But sick people want to get better, if he wanted to get better he would have accepted my help. He would want to get better and try to work on mending his family. However he thinks he can quit on his own, really, he hasnt even attempted. I think he believes I am bluffing about leaving bc I dont have a job. But I am looking and trying. I want peace and it isnt happening here. I am emotionally tired of it, I cant and choose not to put us thru this any longer. He isnt a horrible person but addiction has always been a issue. Time with his girls has always been a issue, his priorities have been an issue. When I think about leaving I have so many scenerios run thru my head. What if he over doses bc I left him and took the girls, they will blame me for the rest of their lives nor could I live with that guilt or anything happening to him, What if my daughters resent me for leaving and use drugs themselves when they get older, what if, what if, what if! Despite the what if's I know what I have to do but it is easier to say than to do. I am not sure if when I leave if I should still try to encourage him and if he seeks help support him or let him do it for himself and me watch to see if he is sincere about getting clean. I know the odds of him going to a treatment center and staying are very very slim tho. My life is a mess and I have 2 lil ones I have to protect them from the emotional damage and hope they see I have done the right thing one day. Yes I am angry, hurt, resentful, confused, numb, tangled, twisted, and feed up. He is a liar, everything that comes from his mouth is not crediable to my ears, I believe nothing he says. How can we fix a marriage after yrs of decent from addiction. I just dont think we can

nodaybut2day

Hi herewegoagain and to SR. I'm glad you're here and I hope you stick around.

From reading your initial and subsequen post, what comes to mind is this: are you in Al-anon? It seems like you might benefit from the IRL support, and from reminders about the 3 C's of addiction:
You didn't CAUSE it
You can't CURE it
You can't CONTROL it

You already seem to know instinctively that nothing you say or do will influence your partner's addictions. He'll find recovery IF and WHEN he decides he's had enough. Until then, all you can do is worry about yourself and your girls.

As for "What if he ODs because of my leaving", well, that would be his CHOICE, just as he is choosing to destroy his family for the sake of his addiction. My XAH pulled the "leave me and I'll off myself" crap, and it kept me prisonner for a long time. Once I started to realize that it was an empty threat, I stopped letting it paralyze me. The same can be said of your situation. You have children to protect from the madness of your partner's addiction, and whether or not he embarks on the journey to recovery is HIS decision.

And finally, just as you cannot control what your partner says and does, you can't control what your daughters will think. Sure, they might go through a period of blaming you, but then, what teenager doesn't? Have you considered that they (especially the oldest one) may also recognize what a hard choice you had to make and thank you for it? I suggest that you speak with adult children of addicts and alcoholics and get their perspective about growing up in a home where addiction reigns.

I too struggle with the concept that my DD, whose father I have removed from her life, may one day be angry at me, even though the man is dangerous and delusional. Whatever happens, I stand by the idea that I left my XAH because *I* deserved a sane, safe and happy life, and my DD deserves a chance to grow up with a fulfilled mama. Don't your daughters deserve the same?

herewegoagain1

nodaybut2day,

Thank you for your support and encouragement! Also I am glad to hear of someone who was strong enought to make the right positive decision when facing those with addictions. You made some very valid points! Yes, I agree we all deserve more than what we are living with currently due to his decisions. I am sure you can relate to this pain and the paralyzing effects living with an addict cause. I ultimately know that every decision he makes even if it means ODing is HIS decision. I have realized I cant change him and considering he has had a life history of some sort of addiction he does need to be inpatient facility and learn why he resorts to drugs and alcohol to numb or to function. He has to learn how to cope with life and live sober. He needs to see the consequences of his choices and if that means he losses it all which is what happened with the meth. He lost everything which in return we lost everything. Cars, home, etc etc. I have never been so sure about a decision like I am leaving. I guess it has taken me some time to realize it is what it is and I can only control the outcome for myself and my girls. I can only control our quality of life even if its without him. I have been considering buying a in home drug test to see what if he is indeed on something more than the pills. Then I think really does it matter, the pills are bad enough. I never thought a pill addiction could cause such chaos. My plans for moving are to get an apartment prior to leaving and telling his mother. That way my sympathy can not keep me here. Also that way my girls can have a home to move into instead of with family which is what we did the 1st time I left. I have a plan intact I just hope I can remain strong enough to go thru with it. The girls and I are fine when he is not home but as soon as he walks in the tension is thick between him and I. The arguments start, and my girls are not shown what love, security, and trust are in a normal family.

Thank you again for the insight. At what age should my Oldest daughter be told that her dad is sick and he needs help. I am sure she knows but we havent spoke about it. I just dont want her to worry since she is high anxiety kid

nodaybut2day

My experience is limited since my DD is 3.5 yrs old, but I did raise my XAH's son for 6 years, and all the time we thought he was "blissfully ignorant", he knew full well something was up. Right before our separation, my former DSS started asked important questions (he was 11) and right before I left XAH, DSS started going online to join virtual Al-Anon meetings, so there were obviously things he wanted to talk about...

I don't think there's a specific age where children need to be told; when questions are asked, you respond with an age-appropriate answer. Usually the basics satisfy them, and sometimes not. My DD, at age 3, asked me where her brothers were (she has 3 half sibblings), and I told her that I knew where the last two were, but not the first one. She then asked where her daddy was, and I responded honestly "I don't know". Then she kissed me and that was it.

I'm SO glad you've got a plan in place to leave. May I suggest that you start gathering up all important documentation (marriage license, deed to the house, income tax documents, bank statements, birth certificates, passports, etc) and store them someplace safe? You never know how some people will react to separation/divorce, and it's best to protect the paperwork you will need later on.

Do you have a specific timeline for your exit strategy?

Also, have you consulted a few lawyers to see what your rights and obligations are with regards to custody and visitation? Seeing as you partner is an addict, you may want to look into demanding sole custody with supervised visitation. If he is able to prove 1 year of recovery through working a program, then the requirements for visitation can be changed.

herewegoagain1

I just read the codependancy forum!!!! WOW!!!! yep that is me to a T. Now how to figure out how to change that.

I do not have a timeline as to when I will leave. I have no job. I am currently looking for something and hope something comes a long. I do hv $ saved but does no good without a job, ya know lol. I have not spoke with a lawyer yet. I did previously when I left. I have a hard time thinking he is not capable to watch out kids but I guess I am naive and think he can still have them some when I leave. As for important documents I dont think I have any lol cept bank account #s etc. I know I am thinking I can leave with minimal confrontation but that is just a dream or delusion I am sure. I just hate confrontation plus my in laws live next door so this will be HORRIBLE. But I can do this, but the codenpendancy thing is ruining me as I can see from what I read. I hate being this way I want to be strong for my girls and myself. I need to be strong!

nodaybut2day

Get a copy of "Codependent No More" by Melodie Beattie. What an eye opening read!

As for things being horrible when you leave, yes, it'll be tough, but then all those people who judge don't have to live your life day in and day out, now do they? So they have NO clue what you've been through and as such can just stuff their opinions. One of the most useful things I learned here on SR was "Other people's opinion of me is none of my business" and as someone who was constantly worried about what other people thought of me, I've used the statement A LOT.

As for lawyers...you can get free consultations over the phone, just to get a lay of the land. Doesn't commit you to anything but at least you get the information you need.

*hugs* to you. Keep posting!

Good for you for looking for work. Another useful thing would be to put together a budget and look at various scenarios (i.e. Scenario A: work FT making X$ per month, and living in X apartment which costs X$ per month). I did this when I was planning on leaving my XAH and it really helped me visualize where I was headed. I started making lists of things to do (reassigning the lease, terminating my utilities contract, stashing important papers at work, etc) as well as lists of things I would need (furniture mostly) and how much those would cost approximately.

Doing all that helped me take the focus OFF my XAH and put it back on me and my baby girl's needs.

CodeNameGiggles

The budget thing was incredibly helpful for me as well. When I was making a timeline for leaving my husband (who I am still with since he went to detox and is working through recovery), I had several budget spreadsheets depending on the scenario.

EnglishGarden

I love the passion in your voice today. The determined voice that will never let her children's lives be damaged or destroyed by someone's desire to GET HIGH.

If you stay with him without a hard line on ABSTINENCE as a requirement for both marriage and for parenting, then you are helping him kill himself with drugs. You are enabling him. And you will be putting your children's welfare second to his desire to get high. To check out. To abandon all of you.

There is help out there when he wants it. But for now, he's not done. He just doesn't want the help badly enough.

Do talk to a lawyer and I support your decision to remove yourself and your children from the undeniable dangers of living with an active drug addict.

Good for you, to be outraged by this situation. Action is next.

herewegoagain1

Goodness you all are so helpful! It feels so nice to have support of those who do not know me and who can not judge. I have done the scenerio list and figured the lowest $ I can make and still be successful. I do have a nest egg in the bank but that is so I can get ahead and not struggle so therefore I will be able to save and still have $ to keep my girls busy with activities to ease their minds. I have ckd on furniture also bc I will not be taking everything. I feel positive about this but as I can tell he thinks I am bluffing. I do agree I shouldn't care what they or anyone thinks at this point . I have done my research on these pills on him etc I know what his family does not know. They will be in denial of course but really if they remove the blindeers they will eventually see that their son has lost 20 lbs is never home his whole thinking is different. Not my problem now I tried to help I made him appointments to out patient clinics I tried to be supportive thru his 24 hr attempt at detox there is nothing more I can do here. I won't lie I am afraid I will back down but that only last till I see him them I know what I must. Do.

Pelican

This is a list of some of the important papers I secured away from the home:

Childrens birth certificates
Marriage license
Childrens Social Security Cards
Tax records for last 7 years
Account numbers (bank, credit cards)

I leased a safe deposit box from my bank to keep the documents secure.

I also put a block onto my checking account.
I still have it in place.
In order to get any information about my balance, debits, deposits, etc. - I must appear personally at my bank and show valid i.d. (my AXH was very charming with the bank tellers, he also knew my date of birth, social security #, address, everything needed to inquire by phone). I still have to show id to order checks, but I like knowing that no-one can call my bank or move money without showing i.d.

herewegoagain1

WEll today stunk! I woke up with that feeling of guilt and maybe I should try harder to help him or something. I dont want to feel this way, it doesnt hurt as bad to feel fed up, done, and over it. I do ask him everyday how many pills you taken today, his reply is alway some lie. I respond by saying why are you lying? Why do I continue to ask the questions knowing the response is a lie. What is it that I am searching for? Its like I am an addict to his addiction. It consumes me. I constantly feel the need to stay on him, catch him, etc. I hate this! He tries to hug me some days, and I just push him away. Its not that I dont love him, I just cant fall for his crap again, I cant and dont want to feel close to him. I have detached myself I guess. Is this mean? He says thank you for cooking supper, I say yeah! In my head I say to myself thank you? thank you for being a freaking addict. I respect nothing he says or does. He obviously doesnt respect me. I hate being around him and thinking, I wonder what he is on? How much he took today? What lie have I believed today? I HATE THIS! IT SUCKS!

nodaybut2day

I would really recommend Al-Anon...it's time to take the focus OFF him and back onto the most important person in your life: YOU.

Try to remember that you CANNOT CONTROL WHAT HE DOES and there is no point in having a discussion with someone who is eyeballs deep in his addiction.

The only thing you can do is to STEP AWAY from the addict, set your boundaries and work on yourself.

herewegoagain1

Ok so I need some help or understanding. My husband came home last night he had been drinking and of course taking pills but he wasnt too noticable intoxicated. Just the say attitude as always. Well after he went to bed I found some of his pills he had a percocet (SP?), half a oxy, and somas. I was kinda confused on why somas. This morning I asked him why he was taking somas. His reply was because I couldnt sleep the other night for some reason so I got those in case I couldnt sleep, but Im not going to take them. Well of course I am not stupid. You dont have pills that you will not take stashed. My question is why would he be having trouble sleeping while on opiate? Why would someone combine somas and opiates. I know the 2 combined with alcohol is dangerous and I want to believe he isnt using them all together but who knows. He has a way of making me somewhat believe everything he says although I catch him in lies daily concerning the pills and money. He was taking 10-12 hydros etc a day now he says he only takes 3. If this is true wouldnt he have went thru some WD lower the amt that much? I just dont know what to think. He doesnt want to talk about it. He says thats all we talk about, well what else is there? This is a problem everyday. He also told me that if I loved him I wouldnt leave I would pretty much just accept his problem. Ha he is crazy!

Marcus

Soma and hydrocodone or oxycodone are a very popular combination for opiate users. Since it is a muscle relaxer it makes the high better. Similar to a heroin high without the needles or stigma attached. Not that this really matters. It sounds like you need to help yourself and your girls. Drug addicts will say anything to get you off their backs so they can continue using. Trust me I am one.

EnglishGarden

He is an addict and he will take anything he can get his hands on.

Have you found a meeting yet? Your isolation with him will make you unstable, your thinking will become distorted, and you will make failed attempts to control and police him.

Your older daughter's anxiety will not improve.

Have you looked into meetings near you? You really do desperately need to find some support. Addicts are very powerful and manipulative. Alone, you will be at the mercy of his disease.

Hoping for a shift for you soon.