Pixie48

Hi everyone! I am new to the forum,and I thought I would introduce myself. Please, forgive the rant but I just have to get this out. I have finally admitted to myself that I have a drinking problem. I have fought everyone on this topic (including myself) for about four years. I'm only 22 years old, How can I be an alcoholic?!
I am not the type of person who needs to drink every day, and my body is not physically dependent on alcohol. However, I am a problem drinker and alcohol has caused me nothing but sickness and shame. I am not capable of having one or two drinks. Once I start, I cannot stop. I have been this way since I started drinking at 16 or 17. I used to black out every time I drank and I put myself in a lot of dangerous situations. I got a little bit better as far as not blacking out....or I built a tolerance..not sure. But I cannot handle the embarrassment and sickness that I cause myself anymore. Today I have had the worst shame-hangover ever. I don't remember much of last night. I had to be restrained by my parents (I'm not sure what I was doing or why). I am just tired of it. I drink to take my mind off things or ease my social anxiety, but I have never been in control of my drinking. I need to stop.
I was recently diagnosed with systemic lupus after being very sick for about four years. I am happy to finally know what's wrong with me, but I am also devastated that I have an incurable disease. Everyone always asks me how I can go out and drink when I am so sick all the time.Well, when I drink I feel great..for a few hours. But drinking makes me violently ill the next day and I am ALWAYS embarrassed.Drunk me is completely different than sober me. But I keep doing it. I started having seizures 3 weeks ago, probably due to the SLE, but I kept on drinking knowing that alcohol lowers the seizure threshold. Why do I do this to myself? I need to take care of my body and I am ready to stop. I just don't know how. I've said this before and the next thing you know I'm out drinking two days later. I don't know where to begin or what to do about this. But I already feel so much better just getting this off my chest. Thank you for listening and I would appreciate any advice.

Nikki

Orbea

Hey Nikki! I went to UMASS Amherst! Love me that wicked state!
Does your Dr. Know the extent of your drinking? Did the seizures scare the bejeezus out of you? Did you have them drunk or while you were withdrawing/hungover? Lupus is nothing to fool with. Are you still on your parents insurance? You anywhere near Brigham's women's hospital? Sounds like you need medical supervision for your detox bc of seizures.

2granddaughters

Hello Pixie. Sounds like it's time for a truthful talk with your doctor.

Alcoholics Anonymous has helped me stay sober longer than you've been alive so it'll work well for you too I bet.

I wish you the best.

Bob

Anna

Hi Nikki,

Welcome!

I'm so glad that you found us and that you accept that you have a problem with alcohol. Coming here is a good step towards helping yourself. There is lots of support and information here.

I didn't know how to begin either, and I know it's an overwhelming thought. It does take a lot of changes to be able to recover. We often have to make changes with friends, activities, social life, etc. I couldn't be around people drinking alcohol for quite awhile. You have a lot of motivation in terms of your health issues, so I hope that keep reading and posting. You might find AA or another recovery program useful, and I use SR as a lifeline.

Missy7

I'm glad you're here. You can be an alcoholic at a young age, and I think it's pretty dangerous. I used to black out and wake up in strange places when I was a young girl...I'm lucky to be here today. But I also know that I didn't manage to quit when I was your age and I wish I had. There are a few critical things that would be very different. So do this. I will try hard to do the same.

Impurrfect

(((Nikki))) - Welcome to SR!! Back when I was going to AA (though I was actually an opiate abuser..then went on to crack) there was a "kid" (I'm 50) who got into AA when he was 19...had been drinking for years. His dad was a recovering alcoholic, so he knew where to go for help?

I used to be an RN..lost that career to my addiction. I know lupus affects people differently, but I do hope you talk to your dr. about your drinking...he/she can't help you if they don't know the facts.

Why do we keep doing what we do? Because we're addicts/alcoholics. We've crossed that line from where it was fun to where it's really causing problems.

There are quite a few young people, here, who are dealing with the same things you are. I only wish I'd known I had a problem when I was your age.

I don't go to AA meetings any more, SR has worked for me, but I do know that when I went, there were "young people's meetings".

I really do hope you talk to your doctor. I'm not giving medical advice, but the people I've known that have lupus, seizures hasn't come up. I could be wrong, haven't been a nurse for 8 years, but just saying...it could be due to the alcohol.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

logicalparadox

Hello Nikki, glad you are here and found the forums. Being able to fully admit that to yourself and look into working on it is a big and important step.
The dangerous situations I put myself in, and you doing so too are quite scary. I stupidly believed I was invincible after getting myself out of dangerous place/person/situation time and time again...but I eventually paid a few nasty prices and experiences...but this isn't about me. Please though, you being able to tell us that--do all you can to stay safe, there's so much danger out there and not being aware of your surroundings and being impaired is bad news.

I was diagnoses w/lupus...but it turns out that's not it...but I am struggling w/autoimmune issues. I get what you're saying and in major depression funk after a few nasty flares ups, regardless of how sik I knew it'd make me...the immediate effect won out too many times.
Please, please, please be honest with your doctor....I caused so much more distress and just, blah badness by hiding it.

Keep reaching out and posting! Do you have any ideas of things you can do to work on? AA I know is huge, I'm not doing that myself yet but I am trying to figure it out for myself, there is smartrecovery online too...haven't checked it though. I am taking it one day at a time, but I definitely suggest a-honesty w/medical professionals and b) extra support. Does anyone you trust/close w/irl know you're working on not drinking?

Pixie48

Oh my goodness I didn't expect so many replies so quickly! Thank you everyone for your encouragement. I have not been truthful with my doctors about my drinking. When they ask I say "I drink one or two times a week". When they ask how many drinks I say "Maybe three or four beers". When in reality I am drinking a big bottle of wine then going to the bar and drinking God knows how many mixed drinks, shots and beer. The reason I have always lied about my drinking is that because Lupus is so hard to diagnose, I have spent years going to countless doctors who dismiss me as some one with emotional issues.I have visible scars on my arms from a cutting problem that I had when I was about 13, so doctors are always quick to attribute my physical illness to mental illness. I didn't want to give them another reason to think I was crazy. I haven't even been able to really admit to myself that I drink entirely too much and I always lie about it when people ask me how much I've had. And I always say four beers when clearly I have had waaayyyy more than that. I always brushed it off. Everyone my age goes out and drinks and a lot of people binge-drink and I'm just young and having a good time. Whatever excuse I can come up with to justify my drinking.
In regard to the seizures, I was put on Wellbutrin which my neurologist thinks triggered the start of them. I stopped it right away and I kept having them every day. I wasn't drinking for about a week somewhere in that time frame. My doctors think my central nervous system may have been affected by the lupus and the wellbutrin exacerbated it. I really don't know but it is quite terrifying to me. That's why I don't understand why I keep drinking. It's crazy.I feel crazy. I'm so sick of myself, I have to make a change now. I will talk to my therapist about meetings around here and I will definitely give it a shot. Can't hurt. Thanks again everyone; I have been having a really rough day and it helps to know I'm not alone.

Missy7

You are not alone. This is not easy. But with your health issues you simply cannot keep drinking. Neither can I.

You can go to AA online and put in your zip code. Your therapist doesn't have to recommend a meeting for you.

Take care of yourself.

Impurrfect

(((Nikki))) - I was an RN before addiction ended that career. Seizures are serious business, and whatever the reason is, your doctors need to be aware of everything. I was blessed with a dr. who listened to me, took my addiction seriously and was a great help. He left the practice, the new dr. is getting to know me but the one thing she DOES know - I am honest. Some people have to try out different dr's to find the right fit.

I promise you...being honest about the drinking, wanting to find recovery"? It makes a world of difference.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

LadyNoBinge

Welcome Nikki! It is very brave to reach out, i am glad you posted. You are never alone, this site is full of wonderful people who understand what you are going through and want to support you. So is AA, should you choose to use it. I am worried about your seizures, that sounds very scary! I am glad you are under a doctor's care. I know how you feel about the insanity of binge drinking, feeling ashamed and doing it all over again to temporarily numb the pain, when you are really torturing yourself. You can stop the cycle, you really can, and your life will be so much better. You deserve a happy and healthy life! Take good care of yourself! xo

hopefulhopeful

Hi Nikki! Glad to see you're seeking help and encouragement. I'm only 21 and joined today too, after an awful embarassing blackout night, that my dad filled me in on this morning. I wish there was a way to just make it all stop, without the shakes, the empty feeling, and the depression. One day at a time, as they say..

FLA

Finally some one near my age! I'm only 20 but we are all here for the same reasons. It's good that your reaching out for help, that says a lot. This place has tons of support. Just get through the first few days it will get better as the days go by.

augustwest

welcome!

Dee74

Welcome to SR Pixie

D

DayTrader

Actually, that's exactly the type of physical dependency talked about in AA. It's not a need to be drinking every hour you're awake....it's the dependency your body gets once you START TO DRINK. It's also referred to as the "physical allergy" - the craving for more once the pump is primed...... "normal" drinkers never experience this. For alcoholics, it's par for the course.

So you have a good (a great, really) reason to quit....but can't. Many ppl can, given a sufficient reason, stop. I just kept on drinking.....in the face of a lot of current problems and pending problems. The reason is simple....I'm a chronic alcoholic and again, like the physical allergy I mentioned above, this too is common for those with alcoholism. In spit of not wanting to, in spite of knowing better, in spite of having MANY reasons to stop.....I just couldn't stop.


All the stuff I typed above may seem like a downer.....it was to me as I discovered it. It's all stuff though, that's part of the first step - ADMITTING to our reality. Admitting that nothing I've tried has worked and that there's no likely chance that suddenly it will start to work. It's admitting I can't "just say no" and admitting that once I start again, that physical craving kicks in and I can't moderate and/or control the amount.

The reeeeeally good news is this: AA was designed exaaactly for this dilemma. There's a solution in AA that's worked for close to 100 years & it's yours for the taking. As an added bonus, there are tens of thousands of ppl who've been precisely where you are, who've learned how to apply the program and effect a solution, and who are more than willing to help you out by showing you / helping you get past it yourself as well.

Pixie48

Thank you so much everyone, for your support. I'm so glad I found this site. Today is a little better than yesterday, but still dealing with the shameover. Ugh I hate that feeling. I wish you all the best with your recovery =)

sugarbear1

Welcome!

katrinka

Hi Nikki, welcome to SR. I hope you will keep reading and posting, it has been very helpful to me. I know how hard it is to be honest with your doctor. I had to do just that recently and my husband was there ( I wrongfully assumed he wasn't aware of the extent of my drinking) so I felt very uncomfortable. But the doctor didn't judge and was very supportive. Please tell your doctor the truth and do everything you can to take care of your health. Your parents need you.