How to talk to a 14 yr old boy?
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Location: Anchorage, Alaska
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How to talk to a 14 yr old boy?
Hi folks! I have an "input request" to make to you all here on the AcoA forum.
My very dear friend is almost 6 months sober, after several years of pretty irresponsible behavior due to severe alcoholism. Let's just leave it at she darn near shut down her liver. And she lost custody of her son. Completely.
He's 14 now, and living with his Dad. My friend is in AA and making a real concerted effort to turn her life around. However, her son remains estranged and distant. She tries to reach out but he's pretty much unresponsive. She asked me what to do. I thought I'd pose this question here.
How does a parent who has royally messed up reconnect with a child who had to go through it all?
How does a parent continue to be a parent under these circumstances?
What would you want/need to hear from your parent to make appropriate amends?
All input, thoughts, ES&H welcome, thanks!
~T
My very dear friend is almost 6 months sober, after several years of pretty irresponsible behavior due to severe alcoholism. Let's just leave it at she darn near shut down her liver. And she lost custody of her son. Completely.
He's 14 now, and living with his Dad. My friend is in AA and making a real concerted effort to turn her life around. However, her son remains estranged and distant. She tries to reach out but he's pretty much unresponsive. She asked me what to do. I thought I'd pose this question here.
How does a parent who has royally messed up reconnect with a child who had to go through it all?
How does a parent continue to be a parent under these circumstances?
What would you want/need to hear from your parent to make appropriate amends?
All input, thoughts, ES&H welcome, thanks!
~T
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Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Columbia MO
Posts: 1,127
I can tell you that I would have been overjoyed at the fact that my mom was sober and making an effort.
Has he been in alateen, had any type of counseling, is there someone who could mediate for them, possibly a pastor.
All I would need to hear is I am sorry and I am trying.
Tell her not to make promises she can't keep, if she promises to stay sober and cannot make that happen she may never get another chace.
Don't try to go to fast, let the child set the pace.
I think any pressure to force a relationship on him would be a bad idea, she has forfeited her right to make any demands on her son.
Best of luck and big hugs.
Bill
Has he been in alateen, had any type of counseling, is there someone who could mediate for them, possibly a pastor.
All I would need to hear is I am sorry and I am trying.
Tell her not to make promises she can't keep, if she promises to stay sober and cannot make that happen she may never get another chace.
Don't try to go to fast, let the child set the pace.
I think any pressure to force a relationship on him would be a bad idea, she has forfeited her right to make any demands on her son.
Best of luck and big hugs.
Bill
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Location: Starting over all over again
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Originally Posted by Tuffgirl 
.... She asked me what to do.....
- How long did the Mom drink? That is about how long it will take for a child to _start_ to re-build trust.
- The parent can not rebuild the trust. The parent has to _earn_ it and the child gets to do the re-building.
- Building trust takes lots of time, and even more patience. Unfortunately, it can all fall apart in just an instant and then you have to start all over.
Originally Posted by Tuffgirl
.... How does a parent who has royally messed up reconnect with a child who had to go through it all?....
Originally Posted by Tuffgirl
.... How does a parent continue to be a parent under these circumstances?....
Originally Posted by Tuffgirl
.... What would you want/need to hear from your parent to make appropriate amends?....
Given a couple years, maybe more, if I heard the occasional report that my parent had truly become a different person, then maybe I'd think about it. Another couple years and I might think about it twice.
The point is that a lot of families do reconnect and rebuild. But it takes a _long_ time. I think the best course of action is to simply do it one day at a time and let the HP worry about the distant future.
Mike
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Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 1,384
I agree that it takes time. I would think that the boy would be under an incredible amount of pain from the years that he saw his mother decline. It will take awhile for him to trust that she is going to remain sober and that her behavior is going to change. She should continue to work on herself and her sobriety. That is the most important thing. As her life gets better and improves, maybe she will be able to one day reconnect. It is good for her to remain positive and think of this as someday having a positive outcome.
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Thanks all - hard to read, but important. I know it breaks her heart, but I also know how much it hurts to be on the opposite end...having to watch someone drink themselves almost to death. He was in the car during one DUI and the cops took him right away. I can only imagine...
I've known him since he was brand new. My daughter is 6 days younger than he is, and my friend and I have known each other for 25 years. My heart just aches for her as a Mom, but also for him as a teenage boy with so much weight on his shoulders already. He should be playing sports and worrying about his hair and girls!
No Al-Anon or Alateen, and probably no counseling. There is no love lost between my friend and the boys' father. It's the perfect storm, and she created it herself, unfortunately.
My codie hands itch to get on that boy and get him to Alateen! But...all I promise to do is relay the feedback, as hard as it will be.
Thank you!
I've known him since he was brand new. My daughter is 6 days younger than he is, and my friend and I have known each other for 25 years. My heart just aches for her as a Mom, but also for him as a teenage boy with so much weight on his shoulders already. He should be playing sports and worrying about his hair and girls!
No Al-Anon or Alateen, and probably no counseling. There is no love lost between my friend and the boys' father. It's the perfect storm, and she created it herself, unfortunately.
My codie hands itch to get on that boy and get him to Alateen! But...all I promise to do is relay the feedback, as hard as it will be.
Thank you!
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Join Date: May 2011
Location: Memphis, TN
Posts: 2,884
Tg, does your daughter go to al-ateen? If so then it would be appropriate for her to say something, assuming they know each other. I can tell you at 58 I still have issues with trust and authority figures and at 14 ALL adults are authority figures.
Another part of the problem is that he may have heard all of the I'm sorries and I promise's before and that where he is now he would just see it as more manipulation. Tell your friend to focus on herself.
((((hugs))))
Your friend,
Another part of the problem is that he may have heard all of the I'm sorries and I promise's before and that where he is now he would just see it as more manipulation. Tell your friend to focus on herself.
((((hugs))))
Your friend,
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Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Back East
Posts: 704
Hmmm -- 14. That's just about the age when I thought my parents were really getting on the rocks -- they fought constantly, and I just wanted to crawl under a rock.
I'd agree with the comments already posted -- your friend is going to have to accept the fact that her son doesn't want anything to do with her for now. Six months isn't a lot of sobriety -- the son probably just rolls his eyes when she says, "I'm sober now, I really, really mean it!"
She blew it, so now she has to take responsibility. Work on her sobriety, keep getting healthy, and just shut up and do it. Actions speak louder than words -- especially an alcoholic's pathological lies, which is how her son probably views anything she tells him, at this point and for the foreseeable future.
T
I'd agree with the comments already posted -- your friend is going to have to accept the fact that her son doesn't want anything to do with her for now. Six months isn't a lot of sobriety -- the son probably just rolls his eyes when she says, "I'm sober now, I really, really mean it!"
She blew it, so now she has to take responsibility. Work on her sobriety, keep getting healthy, and just shut up and do it. Actions speak louder than words -- especially an alcoholic's pathological lies, which is how her son probably views anything she tells him, at this point and for the foreseeable future.
T
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Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Washington, DC
Posts: 456
As a mother, I too feel for your friend. It would break my heart to be in a similar situation.
As an ACA, I agree with everything that was said above. When, how, and if her son forgives her is entirely up to him. All she can do is make her amends and then continue to live the best life that she can. She needs to stay sober and continue to actively work on her recovery.
I was eventually able to forgive my alcoholic father, but it took decades. He never did stop drinking, but prior to his death I was able to see that many of the "choices" that he made were due to also having alcoholic parents, growing up in an abusive home, and unfortunate genetics.
Forgiving him doesn't make anything that he did/didn't do okay. As a child, I was in the car with him often while he was drunk. I'm almost 50 and I can still remember how terrifying it was. I can remember being about 10-years-old and trying to sit limply in the passenger's seat because I heard that people who were sleeping during car accidents weren't as badly injured. A TEN-YEAR-OLD should not have to think about things like this and it still makes me angry!
As an adult, I can congratulate your friend on her six month of sobriety. I've been around addicts long enough to know how fragile sobriety can be though. Can't even count how many times my father told me that he "quit drinking". I would have need to see YEARS of sobriety and healthy behavior before I would think that anything would be different.
I feel for your friend, just like I feel for the ACA's on this group. She has given up her right to parent her son. There are somethings that you need to simply accept, just like I have had to accept that I'm never going to be able to "re-do" my loss childhood.
I've been working on my own recovery for about four years now. Sometimes I console myself by accepting my life's path so far and trying to turn the negative aspects in my life into something positive. I think that's what the 12th step is all about. Sharing your story and recovery and hoping that it can make a difference in another person's life. Maybe by sharing her story in meetings or on-line she can help other alcoholic parents realize how much their addiction might cost them.
I wish both your friend and her son a wonderful future.
Warm Regards,
db
As an ACA, I agree with everything that was said above. When, how, and if her son forgives her is entirely up to him. All she can do is make her amends and then continue to live the best life that she can. She needs to stay sober and continue to actively work on her recovery.
I was eventually able to forgive my alcoholic father, but it took decades. He never did stop drinking, but prior to his death I was able to see that many of the "choices" that he made were due to also having alcoholic parents, growing up in an abusive home, and unfortunate genetics.
Forgiving him doesn't make anything that he did/didn't do okay. As a child, I was in the car with him often while he was drunk. I'm almost 50 and I can still remember how terrifying it was. I can remember being about 10-years-old and trying to sit limply in the passenger's seat because I heard that people who were sleeping during car accidents weren't as badly injured. A TEN-YEAR-OLD should not have to think about things like this and it still makes me angry!
As an adult, I can congratulate your friend on her six month of sobriety. I've been around addicts long enough to know how fragile sobriety can be though. Can't even count how many times my father told me that he "quit drinking". I would have need to see YEARS of sobriety and healthy behavior before I would think that anything would be different.
I feel for your friend, just like I feel for the ACA's on this group. She has given up her right to parent her son. There are somethings that you need to simply accept, just like I have had to accept that I'm never going to be able to "re-do" my loss childhood.
I've been working on my own recovery for about four years now. Sometimes I console myself by accepting my life's path so far and trying to turn the negative aspects in my life into something positive. I think that's what the 12th step is all about. Sharing your story and recovery and hoping that it can make a difference in another person's life. Maybe by sharing her story in meetings or on-line she can help other alcoholic parents realize how much their addiction might cost them.
I wish both your friend and her son a wonderful future.
Warm Regards,
db
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Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 583
My 14 year old son is quiet and went thru a difficult time seeing his mom and I in a divorce then she died from complications from addiction. The anger from him was from being helpless not being able to help. Boys in general are pretty quiet but do observe. I think just being a mother in support and helping him deal with things will bring him around. Trying to buy or make something happen will be seen as short lived and not this new person who he wants to be around. Teenage years can be seen as personal, but often it isn't all about us but what they are going thru...
Originally Posted by Tuffgirl
Hi folks! I have an "input request" to make to you all here on the AcoA forum.
My very dear friend is almost 6 months sober, after several years of pretty irresponsible behavior due to severe alcoholism. Let's just leave it at she darn near shut down her liver. And she lost custody of her son. Completely.
He's 14 now, and living with his Dad. My friend is in AA and making a real concerted effort to turn her life around. However, her son remains estranged and distant. She tries to reach out but he's pretty much unresponsive. She asked me what to do. I thought I'd pose this question here.
How does a parent who has royally messed up reconnect with a child who had to go through it all?
How does a parent continue to be a parent under these circumstances?
What would you want/need to hear from your parent to make appropriate amends?
All input, thoughts, ES&H welcome, thanks!
~T
My very dear friend is almost 6 months sober, after several years of pretty irresponsible behavior due to severe alcoholism. Let's just leave it at she darn near shut down her liver. And she lost custody of her son. Completely.
He's 14 now, and living with his Dad. My friend is in AA and making a real concerted effort to turn her life around. However, her son remains estranged and distant. She tries to reach out but he's pretty much unresponsive. She asked me what to do. I thought I'd pose this question here.
How does a parent who has royally messed up reconnect with a child who had to go through it all?
How does a parent continue to be a parent under these circumstances?
What would you want/need to hear from your parent to make appropriate amends?
All input, thoughts, ES&H welcome, thanks!
~T
Thriving sober since 12/18/08
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Orlando, FL
Posts: 3,115
I think you've been given a lot of great guidance already, I just wanted to share something that came to mind (that I had almost forgotten about).
When I was about that age, my mom sat me down and had a 'talk' with me about her alcoholism. (She was still drinking at the time, didn't get sober until I was about 20). I hated that talk. I thought it was selfish, honestly. I didn't WANT to know the intimate details about her relationship with alcohol, her perceived reasons for ending up an alcoholic, her history of family of origin issues, etc. I had shouldered *enough* of her stuff already, it felt like a boatload of excuses, a pity party, and WAY too much information for my head to even wrap around.
What would have worked for me, was obviously for her to get sober, but her actions. Rejoin me in a parent/child relationship. Talk to me about ME. Don't push. Ask to hear some of my favorite songs and see some of my favorite movies. Little baby steps.
Clearly even through all the therapy I've been through this still breaks me apart to think about, brings me to my knees every time. Poor guy.. I hope he's doing ok!
When I was about that age, my mom sat me down and had a 'talk' with me about her alcoholism. (She was still drinking at the time, didn't get sober until I was about 20). I hated that talk. I thought it was selfish, honestly. I didn't WANT to know the intimate details about her relationship with alcohol, her perceived reasons for ending up an alcoholic, her history of family of origin issues, etc. I had shouldered *enough* of her stuff already, it felt like a boatload of excuses, a pity party, and WAY too much information for my head to even wrap around.
What would have worked for me, was obviously for her to get sober, but her actions. Rejoin me in a parent/child relationship. Talk to me about ME. Don't push. Ask to hear some of my favorite songs and see some of my favorite movies. Little baby steps.
Clearly even through all the therapy I've been through this still breaks me apart to think about, brings me to my knees every time. Poor guy.. I hope he's doing ok!
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Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Washington, DC
Posts: 456
Originally Posted by flutter
When I was about that age, my mom sat me down and had a 'talk' with me about her alcoholism. (She was still drinking at the time, didn't get sober until I was about 20). I hated that talk. I thought it was selfish, honestly. I didn't WANT to know the intimate details about her relationship with alcohol, her perceived reasons for ending up an alcoholic, her history of family of origin issues, etc. I had shouldered *enough* of her stuff already, it felt like a boatload of excuses, a pity party, and WAY too much information for my head to even wrap around.
...
Clearly even through all the therapy I've been through this still breaks me apart to think about, brings me to my knees every time. Poor guy.. I hope he's doing ok!
I often wonder how many addicts truly appreciate the affects that their alcoholism have on their children. Growing up with an alcoholic can affect you for YOUR ENTIRE LIFE. Read the posting in this forum - children of addicts grow up and marry addicts, become addicts themselves, or spend the rest of their lives feeling not good enough because of the craziness that they experienced as a child.
It takes work to undo the damage that is done. Work that must be done by the child/ACA. Things don't automatically get better when the alcoholic stops drinking.
Thanks for letting me share.
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Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 583
Hold him after his breakup of his first girlfriend... Tonight for 45 minutes.
Originally Posted by Kialua
Actions speak louder than words:
Show up at a school or church function he is in.
Remember his birthday.
Be a good example..
Be nice to his friends.
Be patient, stay sober.
Show up at a school or church function he is in.
Remember his birthday.
Be a good example..
Be nice to his friends.
Be patient, stay sober.
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Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
Thanks, all! Great advice here, and I appreciate it, although I think my friend may be hurt by it, at least for right now. I think it may take a while for her to be able to accept the damage with an open heart and mind, instead of shutting down to it.
She asked me why people (son included) can only seem to see her messed up and not all the good things she did before tanking it all with booze. My Dad used to say "it takes a whole lot of atta-boys to make up for one oh-sh!t".
One more question - I can probably figure out the answer already - but she has the opportunity to petition the court for more visitation time as long as she stays sober. Should she take the initiative or let the boy decide when he is ready?
Again, thanks for your input. I can see a real need for humility on her part that I am not sure she is ready for...not just yet.
She asked me why people (son included) can only seem to see her messed up and not all the good things she did before tanking it all with booze. My Dad used to say "it takes a whole lot of atta-boys to make up for one oh-sh!t".
One more question - I can probably figure out the answer already - but she has the opportunity to petition the court for more visitation time as long as she stays sober. Should she take the initiative or let the boy decide when he is ready?
Again, thanks for your input. I can see a real need for humility on her part that I am not sure she is ready for...not just yet.
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Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 1,437
As long as she is sober,
as long as there is no pressure from her for him to return her affections,
as long as she makes no demands on him,
as long as she shows him unconditional love,
as long as she is the adult in calm control,
as long as she is not seeking absolution from him,
more visitation is fine.
An actual wound needs to be bound and protected while healing. It needs to be cleaned and checked on. Then it can heal with the smallest scar if any.
As we heal from the wounds of parental alcoholism inflicted pain we need time for our wounds to heal. We can't have the wound hit or touched all the time. It needs to be protected while healing or it will heal with a scar of the heart.
Maybe that will make sense to her innate mother's heart and she can take it slowly with her son. She has to be the adult in charge of protecting his wounds, not hoping he will heal her wounds.
as long as there is no pressure from her for him to return her affections,
as long as she makes no demands on him,
as long as she shows him unconditional love,
as long as she is the adult in calm control,
as long as she is not seeking absolution from him,
more visitation is fine.
An actual wound needs to be bound and protected while healing. It needs to be cleaned and checked on. Then it can heal with the smallest scar if any.
As we heal from the wounds of parental alcoholism inflicted pain we need time for our wounds to heal. We can't have the wound hit or touched all the time. It needs to be protected while healing or it will heal with a scar of the heart.
Maybe that will make sense to her innate mother's heart and she can take it slowly with her son. She has to be the adult in charge of protecting his wounds, not hoping he will heal her wounds.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
Originally Posted by Kialua
As long as she is sober,
as long as there is no pressure from her for him to return her affections,
as long as she makes no demands on him,
as long as she shows him unconditional love,
as long as she is the adult in calm control,
as long as she is not seeking absolution from him,
more visitation is fine.
An actual wound needs to be bound and protected while healing. It needs to be cleaned and checked on. Then it can heal with the smallest scar if any.
As we heal from the wounds of parental alcoholism inflicted pain we need time for our wounds to heal. We can't have the wound hit or touched all the time. It needs to be protected while healing or it will heal with a scar of the heart.
Maybe that will make sense to her innate mother's heart and she can take it slowly with her son. She has to be the adult in charge of protecting his wounds, not hoping he will heal her wounds.
as long as there is no pressure from her for him to return her affections,
as long as she makes no demands on him,
as long as she shows him unconditional love,
as long as she is the adult in calm control,
as long as she is not seeking absolution from him,
more visitation is fine.
An actual wound needs to be bound and protected while healing. It needs to be cleaned and checked on. Then it can heal with the smallest scar if any.
As we heal from the wounds of parental alcoholism inflicted pain we need time for our wounds to heal. We can't have the wound hit or touched all the time. It needs to be protected while healing or it will heal with a scar of the heart.
Maybe that will make sense to her innate mother's heart and she can take it slowly with her son. She has to be the adult in charge of protecting his wounds, not hoping he will heal her wounds.
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