No achievement is ever enough
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Join Date: Aug 2009
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No achievement is ever enough
I think this is also a trait of adult children of alcoholics?
I've just released a new product that literally, within hours of release, jumped almost to the top of the 100 bestsellers in its category, on the very major, worldwide site where I sell. I've been getting great reviews on my products for the last two and a half years, and the first was consistently in the top sellers list.
Yet I've realized in the 72 hours since releasing it, that no matter how much I look at these numbers, in my mind it's not good enough. I tell myself being at the top of that category doesn't really matter because it's a fairly small category (never mind that there are way more than a hundred items in it, and I'm in the top 10 literally within 6 hours of release.) I look at the numbers sold and if it wavers by even a little, I'm convinced it's dropping and it's all over already. I compare myself to people whose items are doing much better than mine and think it's not enough.
People are amazed at my accomplishments, and yet to me, it's nothing, it's never enough, never good enough, never quite 'there' where I want to be, and I've realized in these last few hours that chances are no matter how much I achieve, I'm always going to set 'there' as just a little bit higher, meaning I can never relax and enjoy the success. I feel in one way like a major load is off my back, having this released, being 'done,' and yet now I'm straight on to the marketing.
How in the world do I combat this?
I've just released a new product that literally, within hours of release, jumped almost to the top of the 100 bestsellers in its category, on the very major, worldwide site where I sell. I've been getting great reviews on my products for the last two and a half years, and the first was consistently in the top sellers list.
Yet I've realized in the 72 hours since releasing it, that no matter how much I look at these numbers, in my mind it's not good enough. I tell myself being at the top of that category doesn't really matter because it's a fairly small category (never mind that there are way more than a hundred items in it, and I'm in the top 10 literally within 6 hours of release.) I look at the numbers sold and if it wavers by even a little, I'm convinced it's dropping and it's all over already. I compare myself to people whose items are doing much better than mine and think it's not enough.
People are amazed at my accomplishments, and yet to me, it's nothing, it's never enough, never good enough, never quite 'there' where I want to be, and I've realized in these last few hours that chances are no matter how much I achieve, I'm always going to set 'there' as just a little bit higher, meaning I can never relax and enjoy the success. I feel in one way like a major load is off my back, having this released, being 'done,' and yet now I'm straight on to the marketing.
How in the world do I combat this?
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Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Starting over all over again
Posts: 4,426
Hello there EveningRose 
Congratulations on your success with your product. Having been involved in the marketing biz some years ago I know how difficult it is to come up with a "killer" product.
As far as that "never enough".... yup, I have that "baggage" too.
Many years ago my ex wife and I had wonderful careers. We were never going to get rich, but we were doing fine and had a great future. That was not enough. We started a small ( _very_ small ) real estate investment firm. We did well. Not enough to get rich, but enough to support us and put money in the bank.
Not enough. We started a fund management firm, while keeping the real estate biz at the same time. Did good with both.
Not enough. Started a production house and did marketing shoots for various companies. Did good with all three companies.
Not enough.
In my case it really wasn't all that different than the drunk who can never get enough alcohol. No matter what I did I never felt good enough.
Thru recovery I figured out what was wrong with my feelings. I had several things confused. The word "good" that I was using was still the concept I had learned as a child in my toxic family. Likewise the concept of "enough" was also incorrect. On top of that I had misunderstood the concept of "different".
One of my earliest memories as a child was that of hiding under the bed as my drunken father came home. I could hear him in the front room pouring himself another drink, knowing that he would next come down the hallway. Either into my room, or my mother's room, and one of us would get hurt. I remember making a promise to myself, that when I grew up I would _never_ be like my father. I would never be that kind of man. I would be _different_.
The problem is that I never knew any other kind of man. My father was my only role model. So when I grew up I became the _opposite_ of my father. I thought that "different" meant that I had to be "opposite".
My father was irresponsible. Lazy. Undependable.
So I became over-responsible and super-dependable. And a work-aholic. I believed, in my deepest core, that to be a "good man" I had to be the opposite of my father.
I was wrong.
What I needed to be was "balanced". They say the opposite of love is not hate. I discovered that the opposite of irresponsible is _not_ over-responsible. Both extremes are equally wrong.
And as far as "enough".... when is a drunk actually "drunk enough"? There is no such thing in their world, and that is the only world I knew. My concept of "enough" was that of a toxic family, where there is no _end_ to _anything_. And so I took those childhood concepts, applied them to myself and was never "good enough".
Today I don't use the words "good" or "enough". Those are the words of my toxic parents, not mine. I use the words "healthy", "sufficient", "adequate". When is my work "sufficient" for my needs? When are my daily activities "healthy" for me? In order to maintain a healthy body what activities do I need to do once my day's work is "adequate" for my financial needs?
That's how I fixed it. I stopped using my childhood promises, made new promises based on my program of recovery, found new words that fit with the concepts of serenity and spirituality. Like they say that we are supposed to parent ourselves, I became my own role model, I started behaving as if I had an 8 year old child watching me and learning how to be a person from my example.
Today that is working very well. I have a regular job, all those companies I built and managed are long gone. I go home after 8 hours and feel good at having done my share for the day. I keep myself busy with meetings, hobbies, looking after my health, planning my future. I do, ocassionally, catch myself wanting to over-work, wanting to start some new business venture for no reason at all. Other than those minor "echoes" of my childhood I have no problem living a healthy life.
I did not get rid of that "baggage" overnight, it took me some time, working the steps, a good sponsor, lots of meetings, all the usual recovery stuff. I healed little by little, sometimes quickly, sometimes not so quickly, and eventually I learned how to live my own life, instead of having old feelings caused by people that were no longer in my life.
Mike
Congratulations on your success with your product. Having been involved in the marketing biz some years ago I know how difficult it is to come up with a "killer" product.
As far as that "never enough".... yup, I have that "baggage" too.
Many years ago my ex wife and I had wonderful careers. We were never going to get rich, but we were doing fine and had a great future. That was not enough. We started a small ( _very_ small ) real estate investment firm. We did well. Not enough to get rich, but enough to support us and put money in the bank.
Not enough. We started a fund management firm, while keeping the real estate biz at the same time. Did good with both.
Not enough. Started a production house and did marketing shoots for various companies. Did good with all three companies.
Not enough.
In my case it really wasn't all that different than the drunk who can never get enough alcohol. No matter what I did I never felt good enough.
Thru recovery I figured out what was wrong with my feelings. I had several things confused. The word "good" that I was using was still the concept I had learned as a child in my toxic family. Likewise the concept of "enough" was also incorrect. On top of that I had misunderstood the concept of "different".
One of my earliest memories as a child was that of hiding under the bed as my drunken father came home. I could hear him in the front room pouring himself another drink, knowing that he would next come down the hallway. Either into my room, or my mother's room, and one of us would get hurt. I remember making a promise to myself, that when I grew up I would _never_ be like my father. I would never be that kind of man. I would be _different_.
The problem is that I never knew any other kind of man. My father was my only role model. So when I grew up I became the _opposite_ of my father. I thought that "different" meant that I had to be "opposite".
My father was irresponsible. Lazy. Undependable.
So I became over-responsible and super-dependable. And a work-aholic. I believed, in my deepest core, that to be a "good man" I had to be the opposite of my father.
I was wrong.
What I needed to be was "balanced". They say the opposite of love is not hate. I discovered that the opposite of irresponsible is _not_ over-responsible. Both extremes are equally wrong.
And as far as "enough".... when is a drunk actually "drunk enough"? There is no such thing in their world, and that is the only world I knew. My concept of "enough" was that of a toxic family, where there is no _end_ to _anything_. And so I took those childhood concepts, applied them to myself and was never "good enough".
Today I don't use the words "good" or "enough". Those are the words of my toxic parents, not mine. I use the words "healthy", "sufficient", "adequate". When is my work "sufficient" for my needs? When are my daily activities "healthy" for me? In order to maintain a healthy body what activities do I need to do once my day's work is "adequate" for my financial needs?
That's how I fixed it. I stopped using my childhood promises, made new promises based on my program of recovery, found new words that fit with the concepts of serenity and spirituality. Like they say that we are supposed to parent ourselves, I became my own role model, I started behaving as if I had an 8 year old child watching me and learning how to be a person from my example.
Today that is working very well. I have a regular job, all those companies I built and managed are long gone. I go home after 8 hours and feel good at having done my share for the day. I keep myself busy with meetings, hobbies, looking after my health, planning my future. I do, ocassionally, catch myself wanting to over-work, wanting to start some new business venture for no reason at all. Other than those minor "echoes" of my childhood I have no problem living a healthy life.
I did not get rid of that "baggage" overnight, it took me some time, working the steps, a good sponsor, lots of meetings, all the usual recovery stuff. I healed little by little, sometimes quickly, sometimes not so quickly, and eventually I learned how to live my own life, instead of having old feelings caused by people that were no longer in my life.
Mike
Member
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Columbia MO
Posts: 1,127
Rose,
I used to think like you, and then one morning on my way home from work, after a 10 hour shift and 4 hours meetings, I fell alseep behind the wheel.
I woke up with boards flying through my car, my arm shattered, blood spraying all over the car. I was lucky an off duty paramedic seen the accident and stopped to help.
I also had a little extra help, I was bleeding out, 5 minutes left tops, I did some serious praying, the bleeding stopped STOPPED! the artery in my arm was cut but the bleeding stopped.
They took me to the hospital and pieced me back together.
I can tell you now:
Money does not matter!
Status does not matter!
Nothing matters to me anymore but my family and my friends, and how I can make the most of each day.
Every sunrise is a gift that is so precious you cannot imagine it unless you have come 5 minuttes from your last one.
I f I can get one thing across to you, please don't make the mistakes I made, don't let things get in the way of your happiness, there is absolutely nothing in this world as important as having one more day with your family and friends. We have a new saying in our home, "we will make it work" money is tight, time is crunched, work is tough, no matter how much pain I am in, we will make it work.
I am so sorry if I sound preachy, I don't mean to be, I just feel the need to share my story with people, go to photobucket.com (Willybluedog) and look at the pictures of my car and tell me that it was not a miracle.
If death comes and takes me right now, then fine, because I have cheated him out of almost 5 years of sunrises, but if he does not come for another 50 years I will greet each day, no manner how yucky it is outside with glee.
Big hugs to you,
Bill
I used to think like you, and then one morning on my way home from work, after a 10 hour shift and 4 hours meetings, I fell alseep behind the wheel.
I woke up with boards flying through my car, my arm shattered, blood spraying all over the car. I was lucky an off duty paramedic seen the accident and stopped to help.
I also had a little extra help, I was bleeding out, 5 minutes left tops, I did some serious praying, the bleeding stopped STOPPED! the artery in my arm was cut but the bleeding stopped.
They took me to the hospital and pieced me back together.
I can tell you now:
Money does not matter!
Status does not matter!
Nothing matters to me anymore but my family and my friends, and how I can make the most of each day.
Every sunrise is a gift that is so precious you cannot imagine it unless you have come 5 minuttes from your last one.
I f I can get one thing across to you, please don't make the mistakes I made, don't let things get in the way of your happiness, there is absolutely nothing in this world as important as having one more day with your family and friends. We have a new saying in our home, "we will make it work" money is tight, time is crunched, work is tough, no matter how much pain I am in, we will make it work.
I am so sorry if I sound preachy, I don't mean to be, I just feel the need to share my story with people, go to photobucket.com (Willybluedog) and look at the pictures of my car and tell me that it was not a miracle.
If death comes and takes me right now, then fine, because I have cheated him out of almost 5 years of sunrises, but if he does not come for another 50 years I will greet each day, no manner how yucky it is outside with glee.
Big hugs to you,
Bill
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 688
Bill,
Thank you. I'm questioning what it's about, exactly? Money--a little bit, because I'm now a single mother to a large family. I receive child support, but I'm well aware that my ex-husband can and might skip the country anytime. I have a part-time job, but its hours by necessity take me away from my children and it has no benefits. This is my safety net, in addition to providing necessary income right now. My family has essentially cut me off, emotionally and of course financially (not that I think an adult should expect financial help from parents, but I know if there's an emergency, my AF will make it clear that it's my own darn fault for being such a lousy daughter.)
It's the income from this that is going to not only give me the safety net, but pay for necessary and expensive repairs around our older home, which are now entirely my responsibility.
Maybe it is about money subconsciously. My mother spent my childhood telling me how important money was to my grandmother, dad, and his siblings, but I don't know. She said it like it was a bad thing, not a good thing. And yet she had her chandeliers and crystal and silver and fine art, too.
I don't know if it's about status. Yes, I'm making a bit of a name for myself, but I'm quite happy at home with my children.
I think it's some undefined echo from childhood that nothing was every good enough--you know being on the honor roll every quarter without fail, and hearing: We aren't comparing you to your brother, but why don't you do better in school? Or being invited to be part of a very select group that everyone else had to audition for and being informed that my AF wouldn't come to my performances because I didn't invite him properly.
I hesitated to post about this, but I think it's good I did, because your posts are helping me work through what exactly it is I think isn't good enough about this accomplishment.
Thank you. I'm questioning what it's about, exactly? Money--a little bit, because I'm now a single mother to a large family. I receive child support, but I'm well aware that my ex-husband can and might skip the country anytime. I have a part-time job, but its hours by necessity take me away from my children and it has no benefits. This is my safety net, in addition to providing necessary income right now. My family has essentially cut me off, emotionally and of course financially (not that I think an adult should expect financial help from parents, but I know if there's an emergency, my AF will make it clear that it's my own darn fault for being such a lousy daughter.)
It's the income from this that is going to not only give me the safety net, but pay for necessary and expensive repairs around our older home, which are now entirely my responsibility.
Maybe it is about money subconsciously. My mother spent my childhood telling me how important money was to my grandmother, dad, and his siblings, but I don't know. She said it like it was a bad thing, not a good thing. And yet she had her chandeliers and crystal and silver and fine art, too.
I don't know if it's about status. Yes, I'm making a bit of a name for myself, but I'm quite happy at home with my children.
I think it's some undefined echo from childhood that nothing was every good enough--you know being on the honor roll every quarter without fail, and hearing: We aren't comparing you to your brother, but why don't you do better in school? Or being invited to be part of a very select group that everyone else had to audition for and being informed that my AF wouldn't come to my performances because I didn't invite him properly.
I hesitated to post about this, but I think it's good I did, because your posts are helping me work through what exactly it is I think isn't good enough about this accomplishment.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Starting over all over again
Posts: 4,426
Originally Posted by EveningRose 
.... Maybe it is about money subconsciously......
What I was unable to do as an ACoA is exactly what both of you are talking about. I was unable to see that family and "Quality of life" was important. Having the right _balance_ between income to live on and a life worth having income to live on is what I could not do. For all the reasons I said earlier.
Today I do much better. The economy sucks ( no, I won't get on my soapbox, we follow "singleness of purpose" here on SR so I will follow the rules and not rant about the economy
) so I need to live where the jobs are. Especially because my health is poor and I _really_ need the insurance. So I agree that income is important.I also agree that quality of life is important. Both are important. I'm doing the best I can with what I have to maintain that balance, even though sometimes I lean more to one side than the other.
Mike
Member
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Columbia MO
Posts: 1,127
Rose,
I am sorry, I was not aware of your situation, certainly that changes the dynamic when you have to make sure that things are taken care of.
I can tell you this, I would have gladly done without, if it meant living in a poor but loving home versus the upper middle class violent one I was raised in.
I hope everything works out, and sorry if I stepped on your toes because I did not know your situation.
Best of luck and big hugs,
Bill
I am sorry, I was not aware of your situation, certainly that changes the dynamic when you have to make sure that things are taken care of.
I can tell you this, I would have gladly done without, if it meant living in a poor but loving home versus the upper middle class violent one I was raised in.
I hope everything works out, and sorry if I stepped on your toes because I did not know your situation.
Best of luck and big hugs,
Bill
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Los Angeles
Posts: 271
Evening rose. I can very much relate. When I have won top sales awards maybe I patted my self on the back for an hour and the found something else wrong with me that I needed to fix. Usually my looks, my house needs to be more organized, blah blah
I'm doing extremely well and I rarely relish in it as I don't have a house yet with a pool. If I was in the house with a pool I would then feel dissatisfied until I had a house on the ocean or perhaps the moon.
The bar is so high for ourselves. Interesting how we accept sub par behavior from others.
I'm doing extremely well and I rarely relish in it as I don't have a house yet with a pool. If I was in the house with a pool I would then feel dissatisfied until I had a house on the ocean or perhaps the moon.
The bar is so high for ourselves. Interesting how we accept sub par behavior from others.
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Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Back East
Posts: 704
Originally Posted by EveningRose
I've just released a new product that literally, within hours of release, jumped almost to the top of the 100 bestsellers in its category, on the very major, worldwide site where I sell. I've been getting great reviews on my products for the last two and a half years, and the first was consistently in the top sellers list.
People are amazed at my accomplishments, and yet to me, it's nothing, it's never enough, never good enough, never quite 'there' where I want to be, and I've realized in these last few hours that chances are no matter how much I achieve, I'm always going to set 'there' as just a little bit higher, meaning I can never relax and enjoy the success.
People are amazed at my accomplishments, and yet to me, it's nothing, it's never enough, never good enough, never quite 'there' where I want to be, and I've realized in these last few hours that chances are no matter how much I achieve, I'm always going to set 'there' as just a little bit higher, meaning I can never relax and enjoy the success.
This weekend, I'm taking a team up to Canada for a tournament against some of the best from up there, as well as some top teams from the States. A few months ago, I decided to try to put a team together -- and because I figured it would be hard to get good bowlers to go with an also-ran like myself, decided I'd sponsor the team -- I'm paying for the hotel rooms and for uniform shirts for the team. As it turned out, I had no trouble lining up four top-rank bowlers -- including a Hall of Fame member -- and what's more, these guys would happily have paid their own share of the expenses; they didn't require a financial incentive to bowl with little-ol' me.
But that's how we tend to think -- why would these guys give me the time of day, much less take me up on an offer to go up and bowl against the best in the game? Go figure....
T
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Posts: 32
The feeling you describe is one that I have struggled with for many years, along with it's twin sister, perfectionism. There is an excellent book about this that I would highly recommend
Perfect Daughters: Adult Daughters of Alcoholics by Robert Ackerman
The voice inside your head is not your own voice. It is the internalized voice of someone else. Someone who told you, or implied or made you feel as though nothing you ever did was good enough. That person was WRONG and they do not belong there renting free space in your head casting a pall over your accomplishments forevermore. When we were kids we didn't know better and we didn't have a choice.......today we do and we can choose not to give that person, that voice any more power to steal our joy away. For those never taught it,celebration is a skill to learn. So I say,even if it feels uncomfortable to do so celebrate yourself...celebrate your achievements and reward yourself in small ways that feel good to you. Brag a little on yourself and let others who love you be a part of your celebration.
When that other voice starts chirping at me - the one that says I'm not good enough blah blah, I literally just very loudly outloud tell it (her) to 'shut up' and/or 'go to h#*l"...alone in the privacy of my car. Amazingly this often works.
As a recent 'survivor' of a cancer I was supposed to die of I understand what Bill is trying to say. For me it is this....life is too short and precious to waste not appreciating/celebrating it's many gifts and my many gifts. I just simply don't have time for negative thoughts/beliefs or negative people. I definately not plan on having engraved on my headstone "She wasn't good enough!". (I may however ask that it be put in sideways 'cuz you know, nothing is perfect, let alone me and today that is A-OK!! That whole perfectionism thing was sooooo
exhausting!!!!)
Perfect Daughters: Adult Daughters of Alcoholics by Robert Ackerman
The voice inside your head is not your own voice. It is the internalized voice of someone else. Someone who told you, or implied or made you feel as though nothing you ever did was good enough. That person was WRONG and they do not belong there renting free space in your head casting a pall over your accomplishments forevermore. When we were kids we didn't know better and we didn't have a choice.......today we do and we can choose not to give that person, that voice any more power to steal our joy away. For those never taught it,celebration is a skill to learn. So I say,even if it feels uncomfortable to do so celebrate yourself...celebrate your achievements and reward yourself in small ways that feel good to you. Brag a little on yourself and let others who love you be a part of your celebration.
When that other voice starts chirping at me - the one that says I'm not good enough blah blah, I literally just very loudly outloud tell it (her) to 'shut up' and/or 'go to h#*l"...alone in the privacy of my car. Amazingly this often works.
As a recent 'survivor' of a cancer I was supposed to die of I understand what Bill is trying to say. For me it is this....life is too short and precious to waste not appreciating/celebrating it's many gifts and my many gifts. I just simply don't have time for negative thoughts/beliefs or negative people. I definately not plan on having engraved on my headstone "She wasn't good enough!". (I may however ask that it be put in sideways 'cuz you know, nothing is perfect, let alone me and today that is A-OK!! That whole perfectionism thing was sooooo
exhausting!!!!)
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 688
Thank you, all, for sharing your experiences. It saddens me that others experience this, and yet, as always, is good to know that I'm not alone, that there's not something just inherently wrong with me, but that this really is a result of that emotional abuse.
Yes, these are definitely the voices of my parents. One of the things that stands out from high school was that, despite being on the honor roll every single quarter (perish the thought a member of our family would ever get less than an honor roll GPA) and in the National Honor Society, despite taking the highest level senior math class as a sophomore, what I heard was, "We're not comparing you to your sister, but why aren't your grades as good?"
And what my mother is still telling people about my academics is not that I was in the honor society and accomplished in other fields and now hold a masters degree, but that I 'refused' to learn 35 years ago when I was in 3rd grade (no, we moved in the middle of the school year, there was a lot of catching up to do, and no adult bothered helping me.
I don't mean this as a complain, I don't think, but as a reminder to myself of how mixed up this really is. It's only in the last few years that I'm really seeing clearly how much they kept raising the bar, no matter how well I did.
Yes, these are definitely the voices of my parents. One of the things that stands out from high school was that, despite being on the honor roll every single quarter (perish the thought a member of our family would ever get less than an honor roll GPA) and in the National Honor Society, despite taking the highest level senior math class as a sophomore, what I heard was, "We're not comparing you to your sister, but why aren't your grades as good?"
And what my mother is still telling people about my academics is not that I was in the honor society and accomplished in other fields and now hold a masters degree, but that I 'refused' to learn 35 years ago when I was in 3rd grade (no, we moved in the middle of the school year, there was a lot of catching up to do, and no adult bothered helping me.
I don't mean this as a complain, I don't think, but as a reminder to myself of how mixed up this really is. It's only in the last few years that I'm really seeing clearly how much they kept raising the bar, no matter how well I did.
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