Allyn56

I don't even know where to start. I am a 55 yr old mom of a 34 yr old daughter who is great and we are very close. I also have a 30 yr old son who has been nothing but trouble his whole life. He was 10 when i divorced his alcoholic father and it's been all downhill since. He got in trouble, stole, was on juvenile probation, smoke pot, skipped school, etc. Stole money off me and I almost lost my house - had to press charges. He was around 16 yrs old. I had him in Charter for trouble youth, he got in a fight a hurt a kid and I had to pay for his emergency room visit. The courts put him away in a home for troubled kids, he did pretty good, came out and got into more trouble. The "biggie" was when he and another guy (he was around 18) went looking for a fight got in a fight, my son hit an innocent college student and stole his wallet that had $7 in it. He came home that morning and told me what he did. The next day I read it in the paper that they were looking for two men and described the incident adn I knew it was him so I turned him in. Long story short, he got a B felony and got 20 years with 10 suspended and was to serve 5 years. In our state, one day = 2 days so he got out in 2.5 years and on probation for the remainder of his time (10 years). He was 21 years old when he got out. His alcoholic dad threw a party at a bar for him when he got out ... it started all over again. There isn't enough room here to tell you what all has happened in the last 10 years - more of the same. He kept violating and went back to prison again and again. He got out last year. It's been hell since. I was the only one who visited him in prison, wrote him letters, put money on his books, etc. He now has a nice girlfriend who signed for a truck for him ... $9000. He came to my house (I live an hour away) with his dog today and was going to spend the night. Left for just a bit and said he was going to his grandma's, ended up seeing "friends" he hasn't seen for a long time. Got back at midnight ... came in yelling into the phone at his girlfriend and was being really mean. I told him I didn't like the way he was treating her and to quit yelling. He either had been drinking or doing some drug as the whole last hour he has been yelling and screaming at me in front of my sister who is also spending the night. He blames me for EVERYTHING in his life, I ruined his life by turning him in, sending him to Charter when he was young, it's all my fault. He hopes I die, he was very threatening to me, called me a cry baby, bit__, cu_t, *****, you name it and he screamed it at me. He acted like he was going to hit me and I think he would have if I had said anything. Said he wanted to spit on me. I can't even tell you everything he yelled for an hour. Said if I called the cops he would come back and hurt me. It was AWFUL. I can't sleep. He left and his poor dog was so scared to go with him. I have no idea where he was going, and even if he will get somewhere safely. My husband, who I haven't been getting along with, stayed in the bedroom and didn't even come out to see what was going on. He definitely heard it as my son was screaming and I was crying. My sister was appalled that he did that - she never saw him that bad. I didn't really smell alcohol so I'm guessing it was coke or meth or something. Sad thing is, I, once again, helped him out and paid his insurance and paid his $$ that he owes for court costs (public intox a year ago) ... as he started a job and he's going to "pay me back" ... over $600 I shelled out. How stupid can I be ... once again??? I know better. I attend Alanon periodically and have years of counseling. I am a well liked person with a good job. I get no respect from my son nor my current husband. I feel like most of my life has been filled with stress ... can't get away from the crap from my son and am probably looking at another divorce (after 12 years). Just want to run away ... and can't sleep. Thanks for reading all of this ... I am just a broken mom right now and feel feel guilt for turning him in years ago ... don't want to feel that way.

Terminally Unique

No need to feel too guilty about that. He committed assault and decided to incriminate himself by telling you about it. Not exactly something to come home and brag to your mother about. For your own safety, you may want to consider not letting him sleep over until he gets his act straight, though. You can certainly insist that he not come over drunk or high, or that you will turn him in again.

He may act tough, but with a felony conviction on his record, he's not likely to want to risk another conviction for the sake of getting high at his mother's house. He knows they'll throw the book at him, and he'll find some other, more hospitable place to do it. I'm sure that others will be along soon to offer different, and possibly better suggestions, but I hope you find your peace. Take care.

Seren

Hello Allyn, and Welcome to SR!

I broke your post up into paragraphs so that my "old lady" eyes could follow it! I hope you don't mind!

I'm so glad you found us, but my goodness, I'm sorry for what brings you here.

Please make yourself at home and read all the information here you can. Thousands of people sharing their experience and strength.

I hope that you know you do not deserve that kind of abuse from anyone--even your own son. My stepson used to try to guilt his father (my husband) about everything, too. "How could you?!" and "I hope you rot in hell!" sort of stuff. We finally learned to not pick up what the young man was putting down.

My stepson became threatening, too, when he was on crack. His father made him move out of the house, and an alarm system was installed. If you have an alarm, I hope that you will consider using it. If you don't, I hope you will consider installing one!

I'm glad you have been getting face-to-face support, and you are welcome to post here anytime you want. We are open 24/7!

HG

Allyn56

Dear Terminally Unique and Hydrogirl,

Thank you both so much for responding to my post - I have settled down a bit. I'm sure my blood pressure was way up when I typed that - I was so upset! Your replies really helped me alot.

Got a text from son this a.m. - "so sorry mom, I really love you, etc". I really don't want anything to do with him and he is not welcome in my home. I wanted to respond really crappy but decided to just not respond. He scares me. I found out he has hit his girlfriend twice (my ex told me that but said that one of the times he just used an open hand .... as it that should matter!!! That brought back memories of him before we divorced. He didn't hit me, but he was verbally abusive. When my son was threatening me and making fun of me for cowering, part of it sounds like his dad (waaa, big baby, go ahead and cry). I am so disgusted and mad - and better to stay that way instead of sad. Sad gets me nowhere.

Thank you again, from the bottom of my heart for listening to me

Allyn56

I forgot to add ...

As I said in my first post, I have felt so guilty about turning my own son in (and Terminally Unique, you made me feel better about that) ... well, I talked to my daughter and she is so pissed off at him and wants to cut all ties. She said to me, "mom, don't you EVER feel guilty about turning him in. You had to do it to keep us safe. If I had to set back and watch you do nothing (like her dad) I would have some reall issues with you today. You did it to keep me and you safe. You HAD to do it". That and what Terminally Unique said took all the guilt away. And, by the way, her dad is still a drunk. He functions, but barely.

Willybluedog

Allyn56,

Welcome to you, I am so sorry, I wish I could come and help, so sorry these men in your life are bullies, please know that most of us are not like that.

Anytime you want to talk, please just jump on here and let me know, if you need a shoulder to cry on you can have mine, need a big hug, well you got one.

Please get back to al-anon and work on your recovery, you need people in your life who will support you rather than tearing you down. This is a great place for that.

Big hugs and best of luck to you,

Bill

blackgnat

Alyn-I totally feel your pain-I have a 23 year old who has been nothing but trouble and still brings it to the house. I'm on the verge of losing my house and he says he will become a male prostitute and probably die on the streets. I have refused to let him live with me in future-i am waiting for his court date on Feb 28th because I think he will be jailed yet again. But it might be the best thing for him. He drinks, is abusive and violent-what happened to make him this way?

Sorry, didn't mean to hijack your thread, but wanted to let you know that I understand your fears and guilt and all the things you are going through. WOuldn't wish it on my worst enemy!

Be strong! Cut those ties-I'm sure he loves you in his own way, but does that idea really matter when you are being yelled and cursed at? And you may well be next in line for some physical abuse if he is that volatile! Don't hesitate to call the cops next time-get a restraining order and maybe the threat of more incarceration will keep him away from your door.

Hugs to you!

Florence

Hi Allyn! Welcome. When I feel doubtful about what I'm doing and whether or not I'm doing the right thing, I come here, read, and post, and find the patterns in the reports coming from people who've been where I am and how they got to the other side.

I thought a couple of things reading your post. Take what you want from what I say and leave the rest if it doesn't apply:

1) I'm from your area. We don't have a good Al-Anon network in town, but try to attend some meetings if you can find one that will fit your schedule. If not, google the local AA/NA meetings and attend the open meetings. This website has been a godsend for me because of our lack of resources in this area. If you're set on taking control of your life and making your own path to happiness and forgiveness, the people here will help you.

2a) Your daughter is wise. You don't make your children's choices. You can't undo the consequences of your son's bad behavior -- but neither should you shield him from the consequences of his bad choices. This is a problem that a lot of us have as friends and family of addicts. We try so hard to clean up their messes because we can't stand the chaos. This burden is bad for us, and most of us find that we can't be happy as long as we're cleaning up the messes of addicts.

2b) In my experience, an active addict is so wrapped up in their own immediate needs, wants, and victim complexes, that they can't see the sacrifices that others have made on their behalf. He feels you owed him that money, he feels he was persecuted when you sent him to Charter (responsibly, and for obvious reasons, it sounds like), he feels he is a victim of his circumstances. If I were in that situation, I would consider that money gone and stop answering phone calls and offering him a place to stay until there is evidence he is trying to work a program. That could mean never! But until then, you are putting your own health and finances at risk by maintaining contact.

3) My husband is an addict (alcohol is his drug of choice, but before he got clean he'd do anything). When I realized what was going on, I told him that our marriage was conditional, that he had to be clean for us to be together, and that if I found that there was evidence of him using, he would not be allowed to come home anymore. I also stopped giving him money. These boundaries were completely necessary for me to stay safe and to keep our children safe while I figured out what to do next. He is in recovery and we are still married and living together, but these boundaries are still in place. I love him, but not enough to sacrifice myself and my children's well-being.

Florence

One more thing: When I was in the thick of my husband's addiction and trying to figure out which way was up, someone said to me, "You don't have to make a decision today." That helped. It helped to give myself some space to consider my options, weigh my resources, and figure out a plan. So, you don't have to make a decision today. Just keep coming back.

Allyn56

Thank you all so much for responding to my post - it mean so much to me. I will keep reading and maybe learn something ... again. You all are great and God bless.

Allyn56