How to stay strong?

Old 02-18-2012, 05:46 PM
  # 1 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Yellow Springs, OH
Posts: 109
How to stay strong?

Back again, friends, thanks in advance for listening...

So AH is back in rehab, (miraculously) re-admitted after walking out 2 days ago and discovering I wouldn't pick him up. Now he's calling, and I feel like he's trying to manipulate me still more...into promising I'll take him back, into believing he's changed before he has shown any change, into committing myself without seeing a similar commitment from him. I love the guy, I'm not expecting him to change the distorted habits of a quarter-century of addiction in 2 days, but I can feel the anxiety crank up every time he calls. I tell him I'm biding my time, seeing how the situation unfolds, not making any decisions until circumstances require it. I tell him I love him but that by itself isn't enough to build a shared life. I tell him he needs to focus on his sobriety first, that I'm happy to wait and work on myself until the next step becomes clear. He's obviously not happy with that. I don't want to stop all telephone contact since it means a lot to both of us...any suggestions on how to keep those precious few minutes devoted to something other than the same old same old?
Marytherboo is offline  
Old 02-18-2012, 06:12 PM
  # 2 (permalink)  
Forum Leader
 
Seren's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
Originally Posted by Marytherboo View Post
I tell him I'm biding my time, seeing how the situation unfolds, not making any decisions until circumstances require it. I tell him I love him but that by itself isn't enough to build a shared life. I tell him he needs to focus on his sobriety first, that I'm happy to wait and work on myself until the next step becomes clear.
I think what you have said here is just perfect. I certainly don't think I could make any promises if I were in your situation, and he does not have the right to pressure you into saying or doing something with which you are uncomfortable.

Perhaps during the next phone call, if he begins his attempts to get some sort of promise out of you, you can remind him that you simply are not going to be able to do that and if he continues to press you on the issue that you will end the phone call?

I'm sorry that these calls are so stressful for you. I hope he will accept what you are saying for the peace and serenity of you both!

Many hugs, HG
Seren is offline  
Old 02-18-2012, 06:20 PM
  # 3 (permalink)  
Member
 
Lotus2009's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2009
Posts: 290
When I separated from my AH, it really helped me to go no contact. It was the only way for me to really focus on myself and figure out what it is that I want.

But if that is not something you want to do, then maybe you should just tell him what you told us. I.e. you could tell him that you love him and that you're happy to continue talking to him about how his day is going etc. but that you don't want to discuss xyz. Put a boundary into place, such as if he does talk about xyz, you can remind him not to talk about it and if he continues you tell him that you will need to hang up. Your boundary doesn't have to look exactly like what I described... just make it something that works for you and make sure you follow through when he oversteps (that's the most important aspect of any boundary and something I am still struggling with).

I wish you all the best. Take the time to really care for yourself and stay strong!
Lotus2009 is offline  
Old 02-19-2012, 01:46 AM
  # 4 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 2,059
i agree with the above advice. determine what your boundaries are for conversations, communicate them and enforce them.

for example, you could communicate that you do not wish to discuss the relationship status or whether he will return home. communicate that you will hang up the phone if he presses you on these issues. when he does, hang up.

he'll get the message if you are consistent.
naive is offline  
Old 02-19-2012, 03:40 AM
  # 5 (permalink)  
Member
 
Taking5's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: LA - Lower Alabama
Posts: 5,068
That is a weird rehab if they allow phone contact. Most do not.

You did the right thing by not making any promises, just stick to it.
Taking5 is offline  
Old 02-19-2012, 12:00 PM
  # 6 (permalink)  
Journey To Me
 
MTSlideAddict's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: Kyle, Texas
Posts: 395
I believe Lotus has a wonderful suggestion.

It sounds as if he (and the addiction) will try to play all the cards in his hand in attempt to sweet talk and promise you in order to keep the reality from changing. But once again, if nothing changes then nothing changes.

You have told him what you want, but he is not really listening. You are doing good by not making the promises. This is a perfect time to make and utilize boundaries to get him to hear and respect what you want. As Lotus stated the follow through is the most important part of setting a boundary, which also happens to be the hardest part. Stay focused on what you want for yourself, and don’t allow him to manipulate those soft spots to get you to cave.
MTSlideAddict is offline  
Old 02-20-2012, 10:00 AM
  # 7 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 447
At this point you are torturing yourself.

I understand you are thinking (please forgive me for assuming) that if you DON'T take his calls he will walk out of rehab to find out what is going on...because I'm sure he's convinced you that he NEEDS you to find recovery.

He doesn't. He just has to do the work.
and he doens't want to.
He wants to occupy his mind with other matters like the relationship issues that are now present...BECAUSE of the drinking and unacceptable behaviors.
In a way...taking those calls. Getting sucked in...is doing him more harm than good.

I wonder if you were to take one last call. Explain to him that until he shows you that he is in recovery and doing the work...the relationship is over... do not call again. I will not take the calls....

You really are only hurting yourself by talking to him right now.
blwninthewind is offline  

Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off




All times are GMT -7. The time now is 04:52 AM.