Threshold

I am in the final throws of a long divorce, after two years of separation. My ex (or soon to be ex) cited my mental illness as the main issue. He didn't sign on for it, see, it doesn't fall under the "in sickness or in health" clause.

Fair enough. I mean, I've said it from the beginning, I'd divorce me if I could. I couldn't see it at first, how it was for him, those last couple years when I was in active addiction. I didn't realize the pain and terror my behavior must have caused him. His reaction to me puzzled me, I believed that I was harming only myself.

But I see it better now, and reading here, and recognizing my own behavior has helped me see. And now I am dating an alcoholic who's relapsed, and I see even more clearly. Relapse is an ugly reality.

Anyone who's hung around this site for awhile has seen many people come and go. I've done it. Am I clean for good this time? I hope so, I want it to be so, but how can I know? Addicts can't be trusted. I tell people to run, flee. I understand my husband now...poor man. I'd divorce me if I could. Or so I say, while I hang onto hope with my boyfriend. He says he is hopeless but I hang on, maybe because I fear that I am hopeless too, and if I give up on him...what happens to me?

Run, while you can, if you can. Flee for your lives. I thought I was clean the last few times. I thought it was a shame that my ex didn't wait just a little longer, didn't wait for the miracle to happen. Now I know better.

I was so hurt and angry when a colleague of my husband told him to divorce me, that people like me are incurable. Now I know better.

I am married to the pain, but you don't have to be. I know this situation from both sides now. The ship is sinking and the only one expected to go down with it is the Capt.

You didn't cause it,
You can't cure it,
You don't control it.

I didn't choose to become an addict, but that doesn't change the truth that I am one.

I watch my addict boyfriend go down in flames, in misery. I watched myself do the same and asked myself the same questions that people ask here. Why?

Tonight I spewed some angry words at him. Why are you choosing this over me? over us? Why? He can't answer that question. it doesn't feel like a choice to him. I know it but still I am hurt, still I ask him "Why?"

In recovery I've learned to ask that question of myself "Why am I doing this to me?"Hurting myself, abandoning myself, choosing death over life, again and again and again. It doesn't feel like a choice. I want to be saved, but the only one who can save me is me and I am my own worst enemy, and I have a lousy track record.

I hate my boyfriend tonight, and if he doesn't wake up in the morning, it serves him right. My husband is the only one who will sleep soundly tonight, because he is no longer married to the pain. Run for your lives.

Ann

Threshold, I am sorry you are going through this but sometimes, addiction or not, marriages just become toxic relationships and when that happens the healthy choice is to part.

There are many double winners here who have recovered from their own addictions and then discovered they were codependent as well, and they are living proof that, despite the obstacles, you can live a happy, healthy productive life.

It will get better with time because you have chosen sobriety. Active addiction gets progressively worse with time, so rarely do the two ever do well together.

Hugs and prayers for happier days ahead for you.

Freedom1990

I had all sorts of crazy thinking when I was 3 1/2 years sober, started dating another addict (2 years clean at the time), and he relapsed.

I circled the drain and went down with him.

21+ years later, I now know I was busy setting myself up for failure in my own recovery. At the time, it really didn't matter why I was still with him. What mattered was either I extricated myself from the toxic relationship, or I threw my own recovery away. I chose the latter.

Shortly after my relapse, he found another active addict and married her. It broke my heart at the time.

Today he is a shell of his former self. I did not recognize him at first when I ran in to him at my veterinarian's a few months ago. It wasn't until he said "Hi DeVon" that I realized, to my horror, it was him. He's disabled, walks with a cane, and is still drinking and using pain pills, as is his wife. He's bloated and his skin is a sickly color.

Throwing my 4 years away was not worth it. To this day, I still believe that no one is worth relapsing over, not even my own daughters. That was a painful lesson learned.

Today I am no longer married to the pain. Today I am clean/sober, and make healthier choices for my life. I walked through that pain by plunging headfirst into recovery and working the steps in order to release that pain, guilt, and fear.

You have choices in your life too. I hope you don't continue to sell yourself short.