andaone

I broke up with my exAB a few months ago. He lived with me, and it took a long time for him to move out, but he finally moved out about a month ago.

And now, I'm actually dating someone else. Someone I've known for almost a decade. And old friend. And he is wonderful. And healthy.

So what's the problem?

I feel a level of anxiety the likes of which I have never known. Not even in the throws of living with the exAB at his worst.

The thing is, exAB was never violent or mean-spirited. Never. The drinking was a problem because it made him stupid and annoying, socially awkward, irresponsible (DWI, etc), in constant financial crisis, and he lied about it all the time, destroying trust. After years of living together, I finally realized he wasn't going to get sober... not anytime soon... and that it was probably going to get much worse, as he would go in and out of denial about his problem. I grew up in an alcoholic home, and alcoholism is simply a deal-breaker for me.

It was the hardest decision I have ever made. The thing is, I have never, ever in my life experienced the kind of unconditional love and acceptance I felt from him. I've had many relationships and many wonderful men have loved me, but I never truly *felt* loved by anyone but him. Although I would get some anxiety about his drinking, I never had any anxiety about his love for me. He was 100% constant in expressing affection and adoration for me, drunk or sober, even as I was kicking him out. I've never felt anything like it in my life. I somehow felt like he was the only person to ever really know me, and to truly get me and love me.

And yet, he continued to drink, and drink and drive, and spend my money on booze, and lie. Which seems to say, "No, he didn't really love you."

But logic aside, it was a feeling of love and connectedness and emotional trust and acceptance that I have never felt. Even by other, previous serious boyfriends who were just as consistent and devoted.

And now he's gone, and I'm so emotionally unstable and filled with anxiety. When I get ready to see my new boyfriend, my stomach fills with a gigantic ball of anxious knots. Not the butterfly kind, the sick kind. Yet I want to be with him -- I know and love and trust him and am attracted to him and he fits all my criteria -- and he's healthy and stable and crazy about me.

Only by texting or emailing little random hellos back and forth with my exAB can I seem to feel the comfort that relieves this anxiety. The exAB is always friendly and loving when we communicate, without any pressure to get back together. And I don't want to get back together. But somehow he seems to be the only thing that can take away my angst and emotional instability (that's so strong, it's really interfering with my job).

I don't have a specific question... but I need to talk to someone, and this forum seems like a good place. Does this sound familiar to anyone? Does anyone have any insights or wisdom or relevant anecdotes from their own life?

Thanks for listening.

andaone

An ironic thing is that for the first time ever, I perhaps have some understanding as to why he drank. He said he drank to relieve anxiety. I never really understood, because I didn't have much anxiety, and the kind that I had didn't make me feel like drinking. Ever. But now, this new, consuming sick anxiety that I feel... has me craving a drink. This worries me... I don't want to get in a habit of turning to alcohol to relieve these feelings.. but it shocks me that I have the feelings and the cravings at all. It's all so new, and I don't know how to handle it.

Willybluedog

Hello and welcome, so glad you are here, it is very hard to love someone with all your being and have them love you and complete you, yet be so irresponsible and careless with the lives of others.

Therapy has been a tremendous benefit for me, I caught my first wife cheating and when I confronted her she just moved out, if not for therapy I would have eaten a bullet. I went back this time becuae I needed to detach from my alcoholic mother and enabling father.

If it's any consolation, I think you did the right thing, my ex wife was like a drug to me, I did not believe I could survive without her, but I did survive, I moved on, I grew a little more every day, and met a great woman, I struggled to get used to a no drama relationship, I was always looking back, that was a nearly fatal flaw, I hope you don't make the same mistake.

If you would like to talk, I will be glad to listen, if you need a hug, just ask.

You sound like a nice person, your new boyfriend sounds like a good guy, your old boyfriend sounds lovable, but dangerous to himself and others, I hope he gets help before he kills someone.

Big hugs and best of luck,

Bill

Thumper

I can only look back now - many years ago - to try and figure out why I chose my husband. I had been dating another guy - a stable, nice, together, employed, reasonable, guy and I chose to date my xah instead. He was couch a surfing, unemployed, man that drank to much and had some other flags (also nice and kind) but why? What on earth was I thinking? The answer was in me somewhere.

I was at ease with my xah. I felt comfortable and it was nice. I could have fun. I was a basket of nerves with the other guy. I was self-conscious and unsure of myself and my place in that relationship. It was exhausting and stressful just keeping up the charade.

In hindsight that had nothing at all to do with the individual men and everything to do with me. Before I get in another relationship I need to figure that out. I need to know how to be comfortable with stable and healthy rather then wounded and unstable.

I am afraid of the healthy guys. Afraid they'll find out I'm not what I appear, that I do not belong, that I'll be exposed. Afraid that I'll have to show my cards, afraid that I have nothing to offer if I can't fix or care for them in some way. My xah were kindrid spirits so to speak. Both very wounded in some ways. I could relax. I wasn't so self conscious. I had fun and having fun isn't all that easy for me. That doesn't really make any sense but it was true for me.

Also - this is very recent. Be gentle with yourself and give yourself time to work through the grieving process. Even if ending a relationship is the right choice, it is still a very real loss.

boldaslove

Thumper, thank you for your post. You put into words what I have been trying to figure out about myself and my relationships. Thank you for the clarity, now to figure out how to get past it...

blwninthewind

Unfortunately us codies...well we go to what we know.

Even those of us who didn't see alcoholism/other addiction traits in our SO...when we first began the relationship...we felt comfort.

then later...we watched them become addicts ... that's the part that really ticks me off about this disease. No matter what we do...we are destined to find comfort in the cycle of addiction even when we make a conscious choice to avoid those kind of relationships. Bottom line is without treatment for US...we will continue to choose and be attracted to those type of people. Even the ones who aren't in active addiction are like beacons for us. Moth to light.
I think the key is treatment for us. we need to get healthy to make better choices.

Lotus2009

I think what thumper describes may also fit in my case. I always dated guys with "issues" and thinking back, I think I was attracted to them because I had "issues" too and was able to 1)feel comfortable, i.e. on the same level and 2) concentrate on fixing their "issues" rather than having to face mine.

Having said that - I'm still with my now relapsing RAH. Despite everything, I never stopped loving him. He drank, things fell apart, we separated, he got sober, we got back together, and now he relapsed. BUT when I left him, I for the first time was able to really take a look at who I am. I have anxiety, I have a tendency for depression, I had self-destructive tendencies. And now, though I'm back with my (R)AH, I'm focusing on myself and making sure I am healthy.

Regarding your anxiety, it would probably be good for you to figure out what exactly causes the anxiety - is it that you feel pressured, etc.! A therapist may be able to help you with that. I think it's normal for us humans to want to relieve negative feelings - I've had panic attacks/ anxiety that made me want to jump out of my own body because I just couldn't stand it and like you I understood why some people start abusing substances as a result. It's a coping mechanism that rids them of those negative feelings - unfortunately it's an unhealthy coping strategy. So, for me it was important to figure out 1) what caused my anxiety and 2) to learn healthy coping strategies.

I'm not sure if this was helpful. I wish you all the best!

mattmathews

That's really it isn't it? We think that our problems come from the outside, but really, they come from the inside.

PurpleWilder

Have you ever heard of a thing called traumatic bonding? Although the post I made about it in the past was in reference to abuse, it might serve here as well:

"When a person, male or female, has suffered harsh or painful treatment over an extended period of time, he or she naturally feels a flood of love and gratitude toward anyone who brings relief...but in the situations of abuse, the rescuer and the tormentor are the same person..."

"You can end up feeling that the nightmare of his abusiveness is an experience that the two of you have shared and are escaping from together [when he is behaving - my comment]; a dangerous illusion that trauma can cause....this may be true, but the reason he seems to understand you well is that he has studied ways to manipulate your emotions and control your reactions. At times he may seem to grasp how badly he has hurt you, which can make you feel close to him, but it's another illusion; if he could really empathic about the pain he has caused, he would stop abusing you for good."

That gave me a lot of insight into some of my behaviors, anyway. Hope this helps. Be strong!

naive

for myself, it was a fit because i was a fixer. i felt sorry for him and leaped into help. that made me feel useful.

the healty, together guy doesn't need my help.

m1k3

What has worked for me with my AW is going no contact. I have come to realize that she is my drug and I must treat contact with her the same way I would as if I was using again. It isn't easy but it is well worth it for me.

Your friend,

transformyself

Maybe you're not ready to date yet?

Glad you're here. The answers to these universal questions can be oh so elusive. The good news is you're asking the tough questions.

Welcome!

LaTeeDa

I found a lot of insight reading "Getting the Love You Want" by Harville Hendrix. It's meant to be a book for couples to work on their relationship, but I used the exercises and information in the book to figure out some things about myself. It really helped me understand why I was drawn to certain traits and how those traits brought about specific feelings in me. My therapist recommended the book to me when I was still in the stage of wanting to work on my marriage, but it really helped me to learn more about myself.

L