quetzal

Ohh man.... Hi guys,

Sometimes I feel like I need and exorcism or something. The silence kills me! I'm staying so busy but have had the hardest time looking at the bright side of what has happened. I wish that I was there, past it all. I know he was CRAY CRAY!!! I know that it kept me down, I know that I was holding him too high up on my list and too close. Since he's been gone, I've gotten so much more done. At the end of each day, I miss telling him how far I've come..meaning in my work, school and personal accomplishments. He would always be my cheerleader, when it came to my goals. I miss my friend so much. I try not to think too much about it and most of the time I can shrug it off. The anger is there though. I ended the relationship in anger... I know this was the way it needed to be done. I know he is a confused man that doesn't know what he wants in general. Combine that with a depression and a drinking problem and you get a total wreck.

I wanted "want" things that he cannot provide, he wanted to be that... but ultimately his problems/lack of coping skills are what really need to be addressed. Without me, which hurts to know. When we've seen each other...we have so much love. Our feelings for each other haven't changed...at least mine haven't...I'm just heart broken I guess : O (

I guess that's why it had to end the way it did. He couldn't brake it off ... he just avoided dealing and would rather pretend he doesn't have a problem. It's not about us, but the end was brutal with no words just sadness and confusion... Im sad

suki44883

It's okay to be sad, quetzal. It's entirely normal to grieve the loss of a relationship, especially a long one. But, you can't let yourself stay in grief. Go ahead and let those feelings come, experience them, and then let them go. Please keep posting; we're here to support you.

quetzal

Accountability is so important, important to me. He lacks that and I know that is one of the most important things that a partner (a person in general) should have. He drinks and doesn't hold himself responsible... I know I need someone who as lovely and caring as I am. Someone that doesn't bail when things get to hard. I really didn't think he would have done what he did and then disappear after... I'm resentful for it, angry that he left me in his ruins.

Looking for peace

quetzal

Thanks suki4483 - I feel so let down and betrayed.

suki44883

Well, it is a betrayal. He changed the whole dynamic of the relationship and you did the only thing you could do to save yourself. You're smart enough to know that you can't save him, can't change him, and cannot control him. You exercised the only control you had and that is control over yourself. You did the right thing. Maybe he'll straighten himself out one day, but then again, maybe he won't. You won't have to sit in a front row seat watching the destruction though.

quetzal

OMG! You are so right when you say "He changed the whole dynamic of the relationship". That's what is hard to fathom .... I'm still in shock. In one swift move, a choice he destroyed everything he and I loved. Hard to believe it is the same person that said he could never leave me. That I fit perfectly with him. So out of control that he could kill himself and others. Walk away and pretend.. I am no victim though. I know, he said things about burning bridges and I guess I really couldn't understand what he meant by that.

Hurt people Hurt people... So true and I never believed it more then I do now. I have never had a person near me that had as much pain as him, his darkness and clouds are still looming over my beautiful home. I know its me and in my heart and mind. This is a choice and getting over my own Ego and Expectations all the while accepting the loss had been a lot to handle. I let go to protect myself and now it's just the residual pain is what is left for me to wrangle. Thank you for reminding me of things that I hope will start to stick...

suki44883

It will get easier. The pain will lessen and may sometimes be replaced with anger, but that too will lessen in time. It may take a while, but each day is one day closer to the day when you'll realize that you don't feel so bad. That what happened had to happen and that you are going to be okay.

Willybluedog

quetzal,

I was addicted to my ex-wife and to our drama, I had to get her out of my system, she hurt me so badly, she cheated on me with a co-worker, she lied to me, she stole the money we earned together, she was verbally and physically abusive, yet I craved her like a drug, I had to detox from her.

It gets better, but it does not get better fast. Some days you make progress, most of the time it is two steps forward and one step back.

Big hugs to you, I know you are hurting, but you are making good decisions, and someday you will wonder how you could have ever put up with all the crap you did. I still wonder at how I could have loved someone who treated me so badly.

I will be here if you need me.

Bill

quetzal

Thank you Wbd... Yes that's how it feels. It's like I progress and then have melt downs. I know its just a build up. I get so busy and forget about it and then it comes back like as if it were yesterday. I know its only been 2 months, but I wish I was further ahead. I've been good about distracting myself or pulling myself out of that zone. I talked to a friend tonight and just had a good cry. Then went out and hung out with another friend and I feel a million times better. It feels good to cry, I know the more that I allow the grief to come and pass, the sooner I will move forward and love myself. I pray for the day when I do look back and truly feel the way you describe. I know its in me already.After the tears I try to "work" it out, that when I see again that I cannot create logic out of crazy. I cannot make sense out of something so senseless. Trying to define it is pointless, the energy to analyze is wasted energy. Of course I see this after the cry's... and the posts, but this is a process.

Hugs - Q

Willybluedog

quetzal,

Don't push to hard, it took a long time to get her, and it is a long road back, lean on your friends. Hugs help!

Vey proud of you.

Wing

Oh dear, this is what i'm feeling like right now. It's an addiction. They are toxic and we are addicted subconsciously.

I just read the sticky note last nite about this, titled "the brain chenical of the loved one". It's about the adrenaline level in our brain. We were so used to the drama they brought us. Since we left them, there's no more drama and our brain is not adapted to the extreme change. We craved for the drama...

I'm ready to go through this. I'll meet psychologist next Wed.

Take care! U are not alone.
*hug*

Willybluedog

Wing, good for you, a great therapist can be such a help, for me it really sped up my recovery, after I go I feel like I have purged the poison in my system.

Big hugs,

Bill

quetzal

Yes agreed, I don't think Alanon is enough for me. I may have to look into therapy. I don't have healthcare so I may have to research some options.

Thanks friends

LostinBA

Quetzal, hang in there! Missing your friend is totally understandable. Suki and Willy are correct, the pain will lessen with time. The brighter side of things are very difficult to see at times, but you will get to the happier times.

FindingJoy

Q

After breaking it off 6 weeks ago I finally went NC on Valentines day a true gift of love to my self. I hadn't seen him but I was reading his manipulative texts/emails and responding.

Some days I'm great others I'm a ball of anxiety or pissed off that he chose to change the dynamic of the relationship. Through amazing soul/energy healers and Thearpy I learned that's it's ok to feel these things get it out process through them versus I shouldn't let this ruin my day, mood, etc....

What we have and are going through is extremely painful and we need to be kind to ourselves and PROUD of ourselves for ending the madness.

You like me probably miss the "idea" of him. What he could have been or may have been. Sad thing is we never know who the real person is behind the addiction as that drug is covering a lot of things. For me I fell in love with his "potential" and how things could be "if only ." we'll that is loving with conditions and expectations neither of those ever wok out vetted well.

You DO deserve a MAN who takes responsibility because he wants to...someone who likes themselves so they can love you. Anything less is a waste of your amazing ness.

BIG HUG

Willybluedog

quetzal,

If you have a university nearby that has a pysch. program they may have a counseling program available to you, also county heath dept. may be able to get you into a program either with them or with a therapist on a sliding scale.

Also check out NAMI: National Alliance on Mental Illness - Mental Health Support, Education and Advocacy they offer links to resources on the national and local level.

Big hugs,

Bill

quetzal

Thank you for the links WBD.

Yes LostinBA, I was and am still hurting... the "potential" of what could have been. I find it so odd that I can long and mourn for an idea that never really existed. I'm so hurt that he could continue to drink and not try to make any amends with me. I know that this is his way. I saw this time and time again with the way he described situations and people in his past and present. But I thought (and still do) lol... Think I am "different" and "special", how dare he... I think sometimes... as if that matters...

Unfortunate that I cannot understand this right now and feeling very sad and vulnerable.

I find I feel this way either during or after a night of drinking late. This is why I have been so hesitant to drink. I never felt this way before, after drinking. Usually it would be during (which would be rare too) but I guess its my mental space, at least where Im at. This morning I was super busy but when I got home was slammed with a sadness that I cant seem to shake...