lolo8641

I'm a 28 year old daughter to an alcoholic father. Long story short he and my mother are divorced - due to drinking for at least 10 yrs now.
thought we were heading in a better direction. He had some serious accidents in past and caused a er visit with scans that showed abdominal aneurysm. He almost immediately went sober for 2 yrs. Had the surgery. During his recovery the Dr. Happened to say drinking is not a problem.stupid Dr!
Bingo this summer I noticed it was back. Which studies show drinking is bad for people with aneurysms!
It was intermediate and now every other day. He also switched from beer to liquor too. He hides it but as we know 1 sip turns you drunk. I can't threaten to move out or disappear from his life. We rent together and I don't have the funds to do it on my own.
My plan was to confront him saying noticed he has been frequently drunk and I'm worried about his health and its ruining our relationship ... advice? I Did this for almost 4 yrs and the only way it stopped was Because of the aneurysm?

Kialua

Oh my gosh what a dumb doctor, but he probably didn't know the entire situation. My Mom could talk her doctors into anything and she wasn't even the alcoholic, she was the enabler. Might as well say something to your Dad, who knows if it will do any good. There is no good way to do this but it helps to have other people with you. Have read about interventions at all? I'm not saying it will work but I'd rather have someone with me than alone. Remember you can't cure this or control this. It's too bad you have to live with him, maybe that will change for you.

Welcome to the forum, I've found there is a lot of wisdom here to help you cope.

Willybluedog

Welcome lolo, so glad you are here.

This is a tough spot, his doctor has given him a green light so to speak, if you try to refute what the doctor says he will cling to his doctors words like a drowing man to a life preserver.

When my mom started having major medical issues, she lied to the doctors about her alcohol usage, they did not believe her, my dad stepped in and told them exactly how much she was consuming and confirmed that she had been an alcoholic for many years.

Now he calls the doctors before her appointments because she refuses to let him go into the exam room with her.

I have returned to therapy because I was way to involved in trying to get my mom to stop drinking and trying to get my dad to stop enabling her.

Detaching from my parents and their drama has helped me find some peace, counseling and/or al-anon may give you some better ideas on how to discuss this with your dad.

This is not your fault, not your problem, and you cannot fix it no matter how hard you try.

Please come back often, read the posts, vent when you are frustrated, ask for help when you need it.

Big hugs to you,

Bill

tromboneliness

Or he drinks like a fish himself! When I went up to the treatment center my wife was in for their family program, they would send some patients from the treatment units over, to do a couple of days with us in our meetings, clinics, and so on. One doctor who was in treatment was telling me that as a group, doctors have very high rates of alcoholism and drug abuse. They rationalize it by thinking that because they're doctors, they know what they're doing, so it's not going to get them into trouble. And then when they're talking to a patient, they'll say, "Any family history of heart disease? No? Good. Any diabetes? No? Great. Anything like Parkinson's or other neurological stuff? No? Good. Alcohol -- you just drink socially, like everyone? Great! Any cancer in your family? No? Good...." etc. They'll gloss right over it, because they themselves drink a ton and don't think it's any big deal -- and don't really want to give it much thought or draw any attention to it. So the cycle continues...

T

Kialua

Yes tromboneliness that is true too. The doctors do the same with the line about abuse, "Do you feel safe at home?" I recently asked mine with a laugh if anyone say ever said no? and she said, no never happens. I told her about my childhood abuse and how I never told anyone and never would on pain of death so that question is useless. Not many kids have the guts to tell on their abuser after a lifetime of beatings and brainwashings. Just had an ahah moment as I was typing now, that's probably the reason we kids were never taken to the doctor, they would have asked about all the bruising on us. Wow I never connected that before even though I've heard it on tv all my life. --sorry to have hijacked the thread.

bluebelle

Did the doctor say that when you were in the room? Or, is that just your dad's story? This could be just a increasing part of alcoholic denial.

In terms of confronting him, I don't know how much that helps. I guess it is good to be honest with people. However, it sounds like your dad has had several interventions--accidents, illnesses, divorce. Have you looked into stuff about setting boundaries? There is some good info on the family and friends forums. Have you tried the family and friends of alcoholics?

MMkM

Drs. tend not to mention things like alcoholism or obesity or drugs (unless person is trying to get from dr.).

You trying to get him to stop drinking is not going to work.

You have to work on your recovery.

Due to economic times many people are having to live with family. This becomes worse when you live with an active alcoholic. The toll it takes - is it worth it.

Wonder about the years of therapy (which is not cheap nor covered by insurance) needed and how financially feasible that is.

Work on yourself and detach.

And Kialua, there are now laws that state any Dr. or teacher or other care provider that finds any abuse done to a child must report this or have possible criminal charges.

Seems this had to be made a law so that it was promptly reported.

missg

Ah.....my Ex-AH was a surgeon specializing in abdominal aneurisms who for many many years regularly operated on people while drunk.....maybe it was him! Or maybe he was not aware that your father is an alcoholic. Did anyone tell the doctor this? There are honestly very few conditions in which you can never drink any alcohol again, so unless an MD is informed that there is a problem it is not unreasonable for them to say that yes, someone can drink.
When we grow up around alcoholics I think we really don't get a sense of how little most normal people really drink.

Realistically, even if he had been told, there probably isn't any more that this DR. could have done about to stop him drinking than you can yourself. Which is to say, not much. Depending on the hospital and his own level of awareness about addictions he might or might not have referred him to a specialist in addictions. Most physicians who I know have shocking little real knowledge about alcoholism.

In my experience, sadly, fear of dying does not seem to be a terribly big motivator for most alcoholics to stop drinking.

As others have suggested, focus on yourself and learning about what recovery for the loved on of an alcoholic looks like. Powerlessness is a difficult thing to accept but for most of us it is the tough reality.