Please welcome 72261husband
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: harrisonburg, va
Posts: 1
Please welcome 72261husband
Age 50. Don't drink or drug or cheat; overeat to numb. Up all night after today's marriage counseling, almost weekly about 1 1/2 years now, which gives me hope. Married 18 yrs. 3 wonderful children ages 9, 13 & 14. Seeking help for my own depression, but she's in denial.
Her father abandoned her at young age; mother drank her whole life, claims to be sober 1-2 years now but can't tell anybody exactly how long and never mentions recovery. Step-father classic enabler and rails against me about my marriage and financial problems. Once, before marriage, she quietly admitted she had slept around in college. Says her parents haven't slept together in 30 years.
My parents, both married til death 12 & 25 years ago, were tee-totalers, and I went through years of successful therapy from dictatorial, physically abusive father; only sibling went to jail plenty, but now sober 1+year. I was once a wonderful father; as a husband, tried to be emotionally available, and certainly never hit, and never will. Unable to handle professional situation 15 years ago and career imploded, but still have net worth and smart enough to make ends meet, although tough since she returned to earn a Ph.D.
Today was so painful b/c it seems like she may be successful taking the easy way out, which is a divorce. I must become stronger mentally, emotionally to keep the family together. I think she's in therapy to be happier; I’m in it to keep the family together. Presently, I’m simply not strong enough to overcome her defense mechanisms that I believe are so incredibly strong. Who is? Is it possible? The only hope I seem to have is to endure, to survive this beast of denial that causes me to see he as heartless. It seems like she just doesn’t want to be married anymore. And I see no life after it. I can’t see it. I am committed, for life. That was my vow, and it hasn’t changed. But she’s been on a different path for awhile now.
She so successful, and constantly reminds me how I have failed to meet her expectations, so I feel like I am all of and her only problem(s). I stopped the sex almost three years ago when her latent anger became too painful. My depression is my own, but I feel so emotionally abused. Life has become too hard. I'm not strong enough. Suicide's not an option b/c of my Christian faith, and I can't abandon my children. She seems to have no empathy for her family, always snapping and putting tasks ahead of everyone's feelings, including her own. Does this sound familiar to anybody? Can't seem to get our therapist to feel my pain. Still love her and always will, but don't know if she//we/I can survive. Don't feel I have anything left to give.
Her father abandoned her at young age; mother drank her whole life, claims to be sober 1-2 years now but can't tell anybody exactly how long and never mentions recovery. Step-father classic enabler and rails against me about my marriage and financial problems. Once, before marriage, she quietly admitted she had slept around in college. Says her parents haven't slept together in 30 years.
My parents, both married til death 12 & 25 years ago, were tee-totalers, and I went through years of successful therapy from dictatorial, physically abusive father; only sibling went to jail plenty, but now sober 1+year. I was once a wonderful father; as a husband, tried to be emotionally available, and certainly never hit, and never will. Unable to handle professional situation 15 years ago and career imploded, but still have net worth and smart enough to make ends meet, although tough since she returned to earn a Ph.D.
Today was so painful b/c it seems like she may be successful taking the easy way out, which is a divorce. I must become stronger mentally, emotionally to keep the family together. I think she's in therapy to be happier; I’m in it to keep the family together. Presently, I’m simply not strong enough to overcome her defense mechanisms that I believe are so incredibly strong. Who is? Is it possible? The only hope I seem to have is to endure, to survive this beast of denial that causes me to see he as heartless. It seems like she just doesn’t want to be married anymore. And I see no life after it. I can’t see it. I am committed, for life. That was my vow, and it hasn’t changed. But she’s been on a different path for awhile now.
She so successful, and constantly reminds me how I have failed to meet her expectations, so I feel like I am all of and her only problem(s). I stopped the sex almost three years ago when her latent anger became too painful. My depression is my own, but I feel so emotionally abused. Life has become too hard. I'm not strong enough. Suicide's not an option b/c of my Christian faith, and I can't abandon my children. She seems to have no empathy for her family, always snapping and putting tasks ahead of everyone's feelings, including her own. Does this sound familiar to anybody? Can't seem to get our therapist to feel my pain. Still love her and always will, but don't know if she//we/I can survive. Don't feel I have anything left to give.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Newport News, VA
Posts: 22
Hi 72261husband! Thank you for opening up to us and welcome to the ACA forum! This is a very active forum with fantastic folks who are understanding and supportive.
Please check your inbox, I sent you a private message.
Please check your inbox, I sent you a private message.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Starting over all over again
Posts: 4,426
Hello 72261husband, and pleased to "meet" you 
I moved your post over here to it's own thread so it is clear that you are newly arrived. This will give our members the opportunity to welcome you and provide their own experience in answer to your question.
Welcome to our forum, I hope you find it useful.
Mike
Moderator, SoberRecovery
I moved your post over here to it's own thread so it is clear that you are newly arrived. This will give our members the opportunity to welcome you and provide their own experience in answer to your question.
Welcome to our forum, I hope you find it useful.
Mike
Moderator, SoberRecovery
Member
Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 1,437
Welcome, I hope you can find the encouragement you need here. I'm sorry to see your marriage falling apart, that is not good for the kids or you. Can you find your own therapist or pastor for counseling? No one can change their spouse but you can take care of yourself, your kids need you.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Columbia MO
Posts: 1,127
Welcome to you, so sorry about all that has happened to you, (it appears you have married my first wife).
Sounds to me like your therapist is a bad fit for you, sometimes that happens, I had to quit my first therapist because he turned on me over a difference in religion, like that should have ever come up.
Please read the threads and stickies at the top, come back often for hugs and support.
I know it seems like life is not worth living, it's not true, don't buy the b.s., if your wife does not want to be married anymore she might do what mine did, make it so miserable that you just have to give up, she tried to blame me for her affair, nobody bought that, our friends abandoned her.
I almost died in a bad accident four years ago, an angel was watching over me that day, now every day, no matter how much pain i'm in find a way to give back.
You have beautiful children, they need you more than ever, there is no better reason to get up every morning and put one foot in front of the other. Please tell them you love them every day, give them big hugs even if they try and squirm out of your arms.
I hope you will come back often, this is where I come to recharge my batteries and heal my head and heart.
Big hugs to you,
Bill
Sounds to me like your therapist is a bad fit for you, sometimes that happens, I had to quit my first therapist because he turned on me over a difference in religion, like that should have ever come up.
Please read the threads and stickies at the top, come back often for hugs and support.
I know it seems like life is not worth living, it's not true, don't buy the b.s., if your wife does not want to be married anymore she might do what mine did, make it so miserable that you just have to give up, she tried to blame me for her affair, nobody bought that, our friends abandoned her.
I almost died in a bad accident four years ago, an angel was watching over me that day, now every day, no matter how much pain i'm in find a way to give back.
You have beautiful children, they need you more than ever, there is no better reason to get up every morning and put one foot in front of the other. Please tell them you love them every day, give them big hugs even if they try and squirm out of your arms.
I hope you will come back often, this is where I come to recharge my batteries and heal my head and heart.
Big hugs to you,
Bill
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