Now what?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Yellow Springs, OH
Posts: 109
Now what?
I've been reading posts here for inspiration and comfort for a long time, and now I come to you for help. My AH has been unable to stay sober for more than 30 days since he first went to rehab in July 2010. He has had multiple hospitalizations following suicide threats and attempts, and has not followed an AA program in spite of the heroic efforts of many members of the meetings he attended. He is totally dependent on me, and has been increasingly angry and destructive as I have been working on taking care of myself and detaching with love. Today, an hour ago, he checked himself out of rehab after 5 days of being, in the words of his counselor, "disruptive, manipulative and not willing to address his problems.". He knew this was his last chance, his going to rehab was his response to my telling him I would file for legal separation if he didn't get treatment. Now he's on the street, over an hour away, calling me to come pick him up. I specifically told him I would not come get him if he left early. I have been trying to work a solid Al-Anon program for 18 months now, but because I work 7days/week, I don't get to many face-to-face meetings. So I have no one I feel comfortable calling in this horrible moment. I know I must stay strong, but it right now it hurts more than I ever thought possible. ES&H, anyone?
Member
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Columbia MO
Posts: 1,127
Mary,
Welcome, so glad you are here, I am so sorry for all you are going through, there is lots of good information here especially at the top of the page, the permanant posts or stickies, also there are posts with books people have recommended, as well as stories of success and heartbreak.
I am on here from about 7AM to 1 or 2AM most days, if you need someone to talk with I will be glad to listen, I can only tell you what has and has not worked for me.
You can send me a private message if you would prefer to talk that way.
You have to set your own boundaries, and just like with children, don't make them if you won't stick to them, alcoholics are just as maniuplative as a 2 year old with an exhausted mother in front of the candy in the grocery store line.
Therapy has been a huge help in my process of detaching, some here go to al-anon when they have time, there are also on-line meetings available.
Is you need an ear or a shoulder or you just need a hug, come back and tell us, we will be here for you, this is a great group of folks, lots of good advice, lots of moral support.
Big hugs and best of luck to you,
Bill
Welcome, so glad you are here, I am so sorry for all you are going through, there is lots of good information here especially at the top of the page, the permanant posts or stickies, also there are posts with books people have recommended, as well as stories of success and heartbreak.
I am on here from about 7AM to 1 or 2AM most days, if you need someone to talk with I will be glad to listen, I can only tell you what has and has not worked for me.
You can send me a private message if you would prefer to talk that way.
You have to set your own boundaries, and just like with children, don't make them if you won't stick to them, alcoholics are just as maniuplative as a 2 year old with an exhausted mother in front of the candy in the grocery store line.
Therapy has been a huge help in my process of detaching, some here go to al-anon when they have time, there are also on-line meetings available.
Is you need an ear or a shoulder or you just need a hug, come back and tell us, we will be here for you, this is a great group of folks, lots of good advice, lots of moral support.
Big hugs and best of luck to you,
Bill
Journey To Me
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: Kyle, Texas
Posts: 395
The best thing you can do for him and most importantly yourself is to stay firm in your boundaries. If you said you would not pick him up I suggest you follow through with that. If you gave him this last chance and he blew it that is his problem. If you keep giving in he will continue to take. His addiction thrives with codependency and enabling helping him along the destructive path. Nothing changes if nothing changes, so continue making those steps to change your present. Maybe, just maybe, him seeing you changing courses for a more positive life and not having you to depend on will inspire him to change.
You are doing good. Be kind to yourself. Anxiety is normal, so take a few breathes and remember why you want your situation to change.
Hugs to you.
You are doing good. Be kind to yourself. Anxiety is normal, so take a few breathes and remember why you want your situation to change.
Hugs to you.
I AM CANADIAN
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Niagara Region, Canada
Posts: 2,578
wow! he clutters the mind eh?...gotta charge rent for that...sorry, sarcism
read and read some more
r u in AL ANON?....this will help
his problems are that...HIS....and NO is a nice word, i use it alot...
read and read some more
r u in AL ANON?....this will help
his problems are that...HIS....and NO is a nice word, i use it alot...
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Yellow Springs, OH
Posts: 109
Thanks all, you're helping already. I'm praying hard for calm, reminding myself that he freely chose his course of action and that loving him means respecting his free will. I know he's desperately ill, but as long as he refuses treatment there's nothing anyone can do to help him. Pray for us both, we need it!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: LA CA
Posts: 110
Sending you all the prayers in the world. You are strong and you will get through this. Hopefully this will bring him closer to making some real changes to help himself. You have done all that you can do. Think of something that may take you out of the picture. meaning make you happier at this moment in time. Every time I have felt quite low I ask myself "What would make me feel better right now". When I listen to Melody Beattie, she always helped or getting a massage...or ice cream even... It's the little things right now :0 )
Hugs, We are all rooting for you!
Hugs, We are all rooting for you!
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Welcome to the SR family!
Keep reading, venting and posting as needed. We are here to support you, and we understand.
Can you get out of the house for a little while? I found it helpful to put on some tennis shoes, headphones with music and go pound the pavement to take out frustrations. It has healthy side effects too!
Keep reading, venting and posting as needed. We are here to support you, and we understand.
Can you get out of the house for a little while? I found it helpful to put on some tennis shoes, headphones with music and go pound the pavement to take out frustrations. It has healthy side effects too!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: right here, right now
Posts: 6,516
Big hugs. It's difficult to let go and not feel responsible.
But you're not.
He's an adult, and the best way for adults (as for children, mostly) to learn lessons is to get to face the natural consequences of your actions.
He's an adult. He's not a child. With children, we protect them from running into traffic and putting their hands in the mouths of lions. With adults, sometimes they need a bigger whap on the head from life to see that the choices they're making are hurting them. (And the people who love them, but that's a lesson that seems harder to have the strength to face for many addicts.)
When I left my AXH, a friend of mine told me it might be the biggest favor anyone would ever do him. Try seeing it that way: You're not abandoning him; you're letting him take the consequences of his actions -- which is the best way you can help him now.
But you're not.
He's an adult, and the best way for adults (as for children, mostly) to learn lessons is to get to face the natural consequences of your actions.
He's an adult. He's not a child. With children, we protect them from running into traffic and putting their hands in the mouths of lions. With adults, sometimes they need a bigger whap on the head from life to see that the choices they're making are hurting them. (And the people who love them, but that's a lesson that seems harder to have the strength to face for many addicts.)
When I left my AXH, a friend of mine told me it might be the biggest favor anyone would ever do him. Try seeing it that way: You're not abandoning him; you're letting him take the consequences of his actions -- which is the best way you can help him now.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: new moon road
Posts: 1,545
Imagine an addictionologist who writes a prescription for your husband's addiction but hands the prescription to YOU.
It says "Do not enable."
I'm so sorry for the intense pain you are feeling. Pray and hold on.
It says "Do not enable."
I'm so sorry for the intense pain you are feeling. Pray and hold on.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Yellow Springs, OH
Posts: 109
So I sayed strong, told him I loved him but he was on his own now--and he quit calling me, went back to rehab 2 hours later (sober, the staff tell me) and somehow convinced them to re-admit him. The encouragement and support I got here kept me standing my ground. Thank you all so much! I had no idea he had that in him...praying it may be the start of better things. Not backing down, though. If anything, I'm going to do even more reading and praying so that whatever happens I can be true to myself. I feel like I was just part of a little miracle...feeling very humbled and grateful and more than a little amazed.
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