agir1calledkill

Hello all!

My boyfriend has been at rehab for a week and a half now. This has been pretty rough. We have been together just shy of two years. A week and a half ago I reached my breaking point. I was sick of the lies, I was sick of being lonely, I was sick of seeing him destroy himself. I told him it was alcohol or me. That night when he went to work, apparently they felt the same way. His boss and co-workers gave him an intervention. They gave him a chance to go to rehab, free of charge. He accepted.

I have been gone to one alanon meeting so far as well as family group at the rehab center. I had my first visit with him last night. He seems to be doing well with treatment. He has gained weight. He has color again. He doesn't have the bags under his eyes. He has a good attitude... for the most part.

My biggest concern right now is that he said he still wants to go to the bar when he gets out. Not to drink but for the social atmosphere. He also said he wants to drink non-alcoholic beer. I feel that this isn't a good idea for him as he tried quitting before, but went back to it and went back HARD. I think hanging out at a bar would be way too much of a temptation for him. I think it would be much better for him to regain some of his old hobbies, but it's been so long since he has done them (even before we began to date).

I am not sure how to suggest this to him without telling him what to do...

Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated. I am still working on my reactions

inpieces314

I would say wait until he gets out and see if he feels the same way. And if he does, he is the only one who is going to know if he is strong enough to not be able to be around liquor. Once he makes that mistake, he will realize that he can't do it anymore if he really wants to get better. But maybe he won't want to at all when he gets out, so wait and see.

agir1calledkill

I have a meeting with his counselors and him next week about expectations when he comes home. I thought this might be a good time to talk about it. I should maybe also note that he is a bartender (he will have a different position at the restaurant when he comes home). He was drinking on the job and that was the reason for the intervention at work. I do plan on waiting to talk about this until a later visit or after he is out.

markw89

Don't go along with this plan at all. He has to change his people/places/things. He has to change everything. It isn't easy but it is worth it in the long-run. If he has had "enough" he will be willing to do whatever it takes.

gippy1968

I'm wondering if he has said the above to his counselor(s). Either way, I think it is a terrible idea and a sign that deep down he isnt ready to make the necessary life changes to stay sober.

I think you should definitely bring this up at the meeting - IMO.

G

whyme123

I agree with inpieces, see what happens when he comes out. My RAH's (who is also in rehab) "future plans" have done a complete 180 once he was really involved in his program verses before he went in.

It's great that your focusing on your reactions and your recovery!

justrae83

Sigh, sorry your in the storm of everything I was there, I went through it for 6 years! I just left him a month ago and never looking back. Of course I cry every day becuase of how much i miss him and our love becuase of all the good times but, Like your bf, my ex would swear he was a changed man and was in and out of rehab and would minipulate me and tell me lies to mess with my head. I belived him becuase you always want to belive the best in people, especially the ones you love.

DO NOT TRUST HIM ABOUT THE DRINKING NON ALCHOLIC IN A BAR!! my ex did that two and low and behold, boom 1 MONTH INTO IT he was full blown drinking again. Its to much temptation. Alot of people will tell you to leave him and you deserve better and the list goes on and on....but until you have had enough and your heart has nothing left to give, you will be ready. It took me 6 years of tears, heartaque, minipulation, co dependancy and drama to finally relize that. Good luck, it is A VERY HARD ROAD.

OliveColored

Recovering alcoholics, especially ones just out of rehab CANNOT go to bars.

It sounds like he is not really ready to give up drinking. With the way he is thinking, he will relapse, and quickly.

OliveColored

Recovering alcoholics, especially ones just out of rehab CANNOT go to bars.

It sounds like he is not really ready to give up drinking. With the way he is thinking, he will relapse, and quickly.

m1k3

My question is, what do you want out of this? It seems to me that your focus is primarily on him, just a gentle reminder that it is ok for you to spend some time focusing on yourself.

((((hugs)))) for this difficult time. There are no right or wrong answers here as it all depends on whether or not he is actually starting recovery and how you choose to react if he is or if he isn't.

I recommend spending some of the time he is in rehab on what are your boundaries, what you consider to be acceptable behavior and what your plans are if he fails to meet them. It's ok to hope for the best but it sure doesn't hurt to have some backup plans in place.

Your friend,

agir1calledkill

Thank you for the reminder Mike. I need to work on doing things for myself. I have been trying to work on my bedroom. Hanging up photos, got new curtains, etc. I also started school recently so that has been taking a lot of my time (especially since i work full time as well). I have been spending more time with family. It has been nice. I still need to worry more about my inner self though. I am thinking about going to counseling.

I think it is important that I bring this issue up to him. It is definitely going to be an issue at his employer. She spent a lot of money to help him. If he is hanging out at a bar (which is directly across from work) she will know and he will be fired. He does not drive. I will not take him to a bar and I certainly will not go with him.

I am staying sober to be supportive. The rehab asked me to do this. I agreed to be sober for 90 days. I am going on vacation later this year and I would like to have some drinks when I go. I am already feeling bad about it. I don't think I should have to feel bad about that.

NYCDoglvr

If he goes to bars he will drink. But there is nothing you can say or do that will keep him from drinking, it is completely out of your hands. I suggest that you wait and see, then take whatever action you need to take.

pandora999

I'm about to go through this myself. My bf today said he was ready to quit drinking. He also mentioned about drinking non-alcoholic beers. I said "No way". For a start, there is a small amount of alcohol in these so-called non-alc beers (and even tiny amounts of alcohol can trigger cravings). Also, it is starting him off on the wrong foot from the get-go.. I would insist that he does NOT do this. You have the right to put your opinion forward and have him listen to you. His actions are affecting YOUR life. Good luck!!

naive

he can drink whatever he wants. it's his life, his decision. if you put yourself in the position of being "booze police" you will drive yourself crazy. you can not control another person, you can only control yourself.