Persistent friend
Sober since Jan 1, 2012
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: Colorado
Posts: 1,583
Persistent friend
Huh. So the friend I've been talking about in my recent posts, the one who invited me to the girl's outing, the one who's hosting my dead friend's get together, the one I'm having dinner with - the one who so obviously doesn't get that I'm an alcoholic and am not interested in hanging out at bars, clubs or having martinis at her house!
She's super nice, really kind at heart. I feel sort of bad for her, because last year, things were fine and dandy. Then all of a sudden, whoomp! I quit drinking and don't really want to do the boozing thing.
She keeps inviting me to things, and doesn't seem to get the hint. I really don't want to dump her, but every invite of hers involves boozing so I just keep declining. What shall I do? Keep on declining? Say something? Sheesh!
She's super nice, really kind at heart. I feel sort of bad for her, because last year, things were fine and dandy. Then all of a sudden, whoomp! I quit drinking and don't really want to do the boozing thing.
She keeps inviting me to things, and doesn't seem to get the hint. I really don't want to dump her, but every invite of hers involves boozing so I just keep declining. What shall I do? Keep on declining? Say something? Sheesh!
Sober since Jan 1, 2012
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: Colorado
Posts: 1,583
Also, just noticed. The most recent invite, while booze will be around, seems to have an art theme. It's a three day bday event.
1. See a band for free in a record store.
2. Art gallery tour.
3. Clubbing - this one's a no brainer and completely out for me.
1. See a band for free in a record store.
2. Art gallery tour.
3. Clubbing - this one's a no brainer and completely out for me.
Sober is Better
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: FL
Posts: 153
I'm going through the same dilemma with a friend of mine, he keeps wanting to go out and go to bars, strip clubs (which have never been of any interest to me at all), and concerts too. I don't know what to do either.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Canada
Posts: 1,247
Lost... for what is it worth..You certainly appear to be turning a 'corner' in your life. I have read over the past month or so posts of people dealing with similar issues.
Some people advise 'you need new friends' other say 'let them know alcohol is not something you use anymore..end of story'.
From you posts you seem to be a confident person. Is this the type of person you could say to 'I am no longer drinking alcohol'. You don't really have to explain. It is your decision. One which you seem very comforatable with. Tell her your happy to particpate in events where alcohol is either not present or the centre of attention. If your friend , for what ever reason cannot accept this, well you may have to re-evaluate.
Most important issue to consider is yourself first and keep temptation away.
Just my opinion.
Jim
Some people advise 'you need new friends' other say 'let them know alcohol is not something you use anymore..end of story'.
From you posts you seem to be a confident person. Is this the type of person you could say to 'I am no longer drinking alcohol'. You don't really have to explain. It is your decision. One which you seem very comforatable with. Tell her your happy to particpate in events where alcohol is either not present or the centre of attention. If your friend , for what ever reason cannot accept this, well you may have to re-evaluate.
Most important issue to consider is yourself first and keep temptation away.
Just my opinion.
Jim
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Between Meetings
Posts: 8,997
Lost...Whatever decisions you make...Be careful and do what you know you have to do...Don't drink. I thank God I was not thrown these kinds of curveballs in my first 45 days not drinking....I was safely buried in the Big Book and meetings....Best of luck to you.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 85
If it were me, I would just be straight up with your friend and tell her, "I quit drinking, so I'm not really interested in attending (whatever it is). Maybe we could go grab a cup of coffee, or go for a hike when you're free."
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 5,554
I think you have to come right out and tell her that presently, you are not comfortable going out for drinks. Then, suggest some things you would enjoy doing with her sometime that do not involve drinking, so you do not just leave it as a criticism of her ideas for getting together.
"...But I would love to go see a movie and have coffee sometime." Something like that. from there, it is her call. Maybe she is not ready for sober fun?
rochele
"...But I would love to go see a movie and have coffee sometime." Something like that. from there, it is her call. Maybe she is not ready for sober fun?
rochele
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Queens, NY
Posts: 267
I'm gonna go one step further with Kat/Rochele's suggestion - why not specifically ask her to do something on a specific date (time). Maybe the coffee or movie suggested, but don't leave it open ended because those never end up materializing. Then tell her you just can't be around alcohol right now because you stopped drinking.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 226
I had a similar experience with my old friends (who were also my drinking buddies). It is very hard to seperate your old friends from the drinking. What I did was to be bluntly honest and say to them that I just won't be around alcohol for a while and please don' take it personally. Their response was really really AWESOME!
Just be honest and if she is a dear friend, alcohol will not get between your friendship.
G
Just be honest and if she is a dear friend, alcohol will not get between your friendship.
G
Sober since Jan 1, 2012
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: Colorado
Posts: 1,583
Hey all!
Meeting went well. Met new friends and a possible sponsor. Can't believe I just said that. But...I think a sponsor would be good right about now. I thought about bringing up the topic but someone beat me to it.
I have told her I quit drinking. I don't think she gets it. She told me about her alcoholic ex (I know her ex but didn't know about this drinking problem) and I told her I was like that.
Yeah, a 3 day bender. She really doesn't get it, I just realized. I talked to my DH and we are probably going to do the art gallery crawl, then skip out on the bar hopping. It's something I've always wanted to do (art crawl, it's an actual event here) and it's not involving booze. There will likely be booze at the galleries but I LOVE looking at art, the booze won't be an issue.
Like Jim says, I'm re-evaluating the friendship.
But like Mental suggested, I'm thinking of offering up an exact date and time. I have not been specific before, and maybe that's part of the problem.
Kat and Rochele, I'm not sure she's up for sober fun. She also seems to not be up for just having a casual get together without her 2 sidekicks. These 2 grew up with her, and they are close. I get that, it's cool, but whenever someone else has an event, she insists on inviting them too. If you haven't gotten it yet, I do not really care for these 2. So if I invite her for coffee I can easily see these 2 coming along. Annoying.
As my husband says, this girl is in "single" phase. She just got divorced, and seems to want to do the things we did when we were 20. I AM NOT interested in doing things I did when I was 20. That would be very BAD for me. So for now I think I'll do her one 1/2 sober event and then invite her to a specific sober activity and take it from there.
Thanks for the advice everyone. Hearing the wide range of responses really helped me formulate an opinion.
P.S. - thanks for the compliment Jim. You rock.
Meeting went well. Met new friends and a possible sponsor. Can't believe I just said that. But...I think a sponsor would be good right about now. I thought about bringing up the topic but someone beat me to it.
I have told her I quit drinking. I don't think she gets it. She told me about her alcoholic ex (I know her ex but didn't know about this drinking problem) and I told her I was like that.
Yeah, a 3 day bender. She really doesn't get it, I just realized. I talked to my DH and we are probably going to do the art gallery crawl, then skip out on the bar hopping. It's something I've always wanted to do (art crawl, it's an actual event here) and it's not involving booze. There will likely be booze at the galleries but I LOVE looking at art, the booze won't be an issue.
Like Jim says, I'm re-evaluating the friendship.
But like Mental suggested, I'm thinking of offering up an exact date and time. I have not been specific before, and maybe that's part of the problem.
Kat and Rochele, I'm not sure she's up for sober fun. She also seems to not be up for just having a casual get together without her 2 sidekicks. These 2 grew up with her, and they are close. I get that, it's cool, but whenever someone else has an event, she insists on inviting them too. If you haven't gotten it yet, I do not really care for these 2. So if I invite her for coffee I can easily see these 2 coming along. Annoying.
As my husband says, this girl is in "single" phase. She just got divorced, and seems to want to do the things we did when we were 20. I AM NOT interested in doing things I did when I was 20. That would be very BAD for me. So for now I think I'll do her one 1/2 sober event and then invite her to a specific sober activity and take it from there.
Thanks for the advice everyone. Hearing the wide range of responses really helped me formulate an opinion.
P.S. - thanks for the compliment Jim. You rock.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
