whatamess

My FIL just left a voice text on the home phone which my 8 year old son happened to pick up first. I have asked AH for divorce and we have not told kids yet so this is really upsetting.

The voice text is obviously meant for my AH and says that "each party has their faults. No one is innocent... All 4 parents want you to reconcile ... You are dealing with your alcohol problem and most spouses would support you rather than walk away".

I am so angry. Maybe leaving the message on the home phone was an accident but the contents are so unconstructive. My parents do not want us to reconcile. They have just said they will support me in any decision I make (this time to divorce AH). Also the bit that most spouses would support him rather than walk away makes me see red. He is not dealing with his drinking problem, just saying he will.

Aaaaagh.

wanttobehealthy

Oh boy... meddling, enabling, careless in laws. Been there (still am...)

Maybe it was an accident, maybe not. Maybe he thinks if he gets your kids pleading with you not to divorce, then your AH will remain your problem and not his...

Grandparents who act in selfish ways and who hurt their grandkids by doing so have NO right to be a grandparent.

My MIL hurt my 6 yr old with a careless, thoughtless remark and then refused to take responsibility. The end result is that she is done having interaction(s) with my kids until a time comes when she can be trusted to not hurt them.

Maybe your FIL didn't set out to hurt your 8yr old, but by his meddling and leaving a message and trying to control what you do, he did just that.

I am so sorry for you and for your 8 yr old.

whatamess

Thanks wanttobehealthy. I know my FIL means well and wants to support his own son but I wish he would do just a little bit of research on alcoholism rather than just take his son's promises at face value. My in-laws have no interest in actually asking me what is going on. They even phone my parents rather than speak to me!?!

fedup3

Whatamess, is your MIL an alcoholic? If not then your FIL doesn't have a clue in what he is asking of you. Just my opinion.

whatamess

My MIL is almost tea-total so my FIL has no idea what he is asking

nodaybut2day

Sadly, you're going to run into thoughtless but well-meaning people a lot as you work through the separation and divorce process. A friend of mine left her abusive and unfaithful husband a few years ago, and STILL she gets comments from her European acquaintances that she made the wrong choice and that a woman should "Stand by her man" no matter what. *Puke*.

The silver lining in all this is that you now know to be careful of your FIL and his well-meaning interventions. Remember what they say about the road to hell...

inpieces314

Does your father in law know the truth about what is going on or just what your AH has been saying? Cuz we all know, they have been known to lie, and make us look like the evil spouse.

akrasia

I'm so sorry. I have a strong feeling that he knew just what he was doing and is trying to push you around. It sounds as though he meant you or one of the kids to "accidentally" pick up the message.

Block his number. Why does he need to call the family landline? Presumably he has his son's mobile number, he can call his son directly if he needs anything.

Just ignore the bullies.

painterman

I agree with all the above comments, and also it's probably not true that 'no one is innocent' in my experience the alcoholic is the abuser, and we are the abused-simple as that.
Take care

akalacha

I have no ESH in this situation as I have no in-laws. Could be a manipulative thing. Could be that he's trying to do the best he can with what he knows. Either way, it doesn't seem good for you or your son. Is it possible you could ask him not leave messages on your phone? Only talk to you personally? Do you think he would respect your wishes? If not, perhaps you will have to block his calls. I'm sure that however you handle this will be the right thing for you. Sending you hugs and support.

naive

this is the same meddling FIL that said if you divorced, you and the children would get nothing.

he's not on your side and it appears that he's not on your children's side either.

i agree with the suggestion to block his phone number on the home phone. if he wants to reach your alcoholic husband, he can phone AH mobile phone. i wouldn't make it public that you are doing that, i would just do it.

if AH calls you out on it, you can explain about the message and that you want to control how/when/who breaks the news to the children.

FIL is meddling and crossing healthy boundaries here. i doubt very much that it was a mistake.

whatamess

Thanks for all your messages.

I am feeling much calmer now. If it happens again I will just block his phone number.

The upside is that I know exactly where my FIL stands when it comes to AH's drinking. Sad really since my FIL actually told my mother that AH had admitted he can't/won't stop drinking. However my FIL is very old school and religious and obviously thinks it is my duty to put up and shut up.

Today, I will be chasing my lawyer to send out the petition which still doesn't seem to have arrived.

naive

it's a bit overwhelming, especially when others do not understand your reality and continue to enable/deny.

i found it best to just focus on "the next right thing" rather than focus on the whole big mess.

the next right thing, i could handle.

one day at a time.
naive

blwninthewind

He's wrong . The ones not so damaged by yrs of neglect and abuse ...they wouldn't walk..they would RUN away.

Tell your FIL to try living w/ him as an active alcoholic for years..and then he can talk.