trying to really decide if im an alcoholic or not?
Sober is Better
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: FL
Posts: 153
trying to really decide if im an alcoholic or not?
Well this has been my dilemma for the last few days. I've been a drinker for years but the only times i can recall drinking myself stupid is when i have women issues. I've been going through one recently and i'm beginning to get over it. Recently i have been talking to a lot of people at my AA meetings (2 daily), my old friends (some who drink some who are sober for life), also my family about this.
side note about breakup::: She told me i drank too much is the bottom line from her side. Truth is i had broke up with her 3 times previously (huge red flag to take her back i know... im stupid) all while i was sober because i was fed up with her childish games. She wanted to move out of mom and dads house and have a 'man' take care of her. wanted to get married at 20 and start a family by 22 (OMG run for the hills). All the while she didnt want to go to college or get a different job rather than serving 3 days a week at a slow restaurant (25 dollars a day was a great shift). I ended up paying all the bills, which made her depressed. But rather than do anything about it (she had job offers she refused to take) she bought a rescue dog that pissed and crapped in the house and tracked it everywhere. She refused to crate the dog so i had to deal with it. She would lay in bed every moment she wasnt working. So i had two jobs, paid the bills, laundry, dishes, groceries (which i would end up cooking), as well as trash duty and all the other stuff that goes along running a house.
I got fed up with her. But im getting over her now thankfully...
but moving on...
AA has been helping to keep me sober while im dealing with my emotional damage from the loss of the relationship. She hated me drinking, but i dont know now if its that she hated me drinking because i 'drank too much' (as she always said) or if she was jealous because she couldnt drink when we went out with friends. I'm 26 and shes 19 so that could be an issue. Anytime we went to a house party with co-workers from the restaurant i would drink like i normally do and she would get so smashed id have to carry her to the car. Kind of hypocritical in my opinion.
Talking with AA friends is a mixed bag, the older age group tells me im in denial about my disease and if i leave ill be coming back later in life and will miss out on so much. But some of the younger people have been questioning why im even there. They think i am just there because i cant deal with losing my girlfriend and that im just using the group as a $1 a day therapy session.
I've been talking to friends about when i used to drink and the only times that they can remember me going out of control is when im trying to drink away an ex. Fortunately i have not done that this time and ive learned that losing someone will hurt sober or drunk, but drunk will trickle into other aspects of life. Other than those depressed times, i drink like they do, a few beers here, a mixed drink on the weekend at the pool, ya know the usual for a normal drinker.
And lastly i've been talking to my parents. I've never been the guy to hide his drinking from his parents, i never saw a need. My mom thinks that i'm a binge drinker on the weekends but she attributes that to having a lot of friends still in college and grad school. Shes told me that 'shes proud of me for going to AA and trying to get over my ex without alcohol'. She hasn't once said that im an alcoholic, and i figured she would being that shes been in the program for 14 years straight sober. My dad said the same thing, hes happy im being sober during hard times like my move, breakup, and stressful season at work, but asks me when im going to just go back to drinking like i used to, socially and for reasons that are not negative.
I understand that the choice is completely mine, but sometimes i feel both ways. Being that im getting over my ex now---
side note: something about my ex-girlfriend having **ya know** with someone else just a few weeks after breaking up just kinda kills it for me lol
---and i feel happy with my life, i feel like i can go back to being me again. I know that people on here do not know me personally but if you have any experiences similar and can relate i would really appreciate any feedback you can provide. Thank you all for reading and GOD bless.
side note about breakup::: She told me i drank too much is the bottom line from her side. Truth is i had broke up with her 3 times previously (huge red flag to take her back i know... im stupid) all while i was sober because i was fed up with her childish games. She wanted to move out of mom and dads house and have a 'man' take care of her. wanted to get married at 20 and start a family by 22 (OMG run for the hills). All the while she didnt want to go to college or get a different job rather than serving 3 days a week at a slow restaurant (25 dollars a day was a great shift). I ended up paying all the bills, which made her depressed. But rather than do anything about it (she had job offers she refused to take) she bought a rescue dog that pissed and crapped in the house and tracked it everywhere. She refused to crate the dog so i had to deal with it. She would lay in bed every moment she wasnt working. So i had two jobs, paid the bills, laundry, dishes, groceries (which i would end up cooking), as well as trash duty and all the other stuff that goes along running a house.
I got fed up with her. But im getting over her now thankfully...but moving on...
AA has been helping to keep me sober while im dealing with my emotional damage from the loss of the relationship. She hated me drinking, but i dont know now if its that she hated me drinking because i 'drank too much' (as she always said) or if she was jealous because she couldnt drink when we went out with friends. I'm 26 and shes 19 so that could be an issue. Anytime we went to a house party with co-workers from the restaurant i would drink like i normally do and she would get so smashed id have to carry her to the car. Kind of hypocritical in my opinion.
Talking with AA friends is a mixed bag, the older age group tells me im in denial about my disease and if i leave ill be coming back later in life and will miss out on so much. But some of the younger people have been questioning why im even there. They think i am just there because i cant deal with losing my girlfriend and that im just using the group as a $1 a day therapy session.
I've been talking to friends about when i used to drink and the only times that they can remember me going out of control is when im trying to drink away an ex. Fortunately i have not done that this time and ive learned that losing someone will hurt sober or drunk, but drunk will trickle into other aspects of life. Other than those depressed times, i drink like they do, a few beers here, a mixed drink on the weekend at the pool, ya know the usual for a normal drinker.
And lastly i've been talking to my parents. I've never been the guy to hide his drinking from his parents, i never saw a need. My mom thinks that i'm a binge drinker on the weekends but she attributes that to having a lot of friends still in college and grad school. Shes told me that 'shes proud of me for going to AA and trying to get over my ex without alcohol'. She hasn't once said that im an alcoholic, and i figured she would being that shes been in the program for 14 years straight sober. My dad said the same thing, hes happy im being sober during hard times like my move, breakup, and stressful season at work, but asks me when im going to just go back to drinking like i used to, socially and for reasons that are not negative.
I understand that the choice is completely mine, but sometimes i feel both ways. Being that im getting over my ex now---
side note: something about my ex-girlfriend having **ya know** with someone else just a few weeks after breaking up just kinda kills it for me lol
---and i feel happy with my life, i feel like i can go back to being me again. I know that people on here do not know me personally but if you have any experiences similar and can relate i would really appreciate any feedback you can provide. Thank you all for reading and GOD bless.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 1,180
I don't think labels really matter-alcoholic/addict/ problem drinker. It doesn't matter what anyone else thinks or says about you either. the only people who really know if we have a drink problem are ourselves. I may be wrong but surely you must have thought you had a drink problem to go to AA in the first place
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 5,554
It sounds like you are anlyzing and thinking an awful lot about a drinking problem you think you might not have. No? I think, for most of us, there is our answer right there. How much time do you think "normal" drinkers devote to this?
I also think, after reading and spending alot of time here, that recovery is a bigger picture, and goes beyond sobriety. Having done some emotional recovery in my life, even though I had not quit drinking, I have some perspective there.
Your life, your choices, your relationships, are not completely separate from the drinking. It all gets muddled together. I bet if you were sober and gained some confidence in yourself, you might find you engage in healthier relationships.
I think we all want to believe we can be normal drinkers, and look for ways to rationalize that. I do it. Do you think your relationship with alcohol is a healthy one? Maybe that is a better way to look at it. That is the ticket for me, because the *biggest* problem I have with alcohol has been my physical health. That failed me before I did alot of really awful things. Of course, it is pretty awful to have given myself diabetes.
I am rambling, and a newbie too, but I just keep thinking myself, if I were a normal drinker, I would not devote all this time and energy to thinking and talking about it.
I also think, after reading and spending alot of time here, that recovery is a bigger picture, and goes beyond sobriety. Having done some emotional recovery in my life, even though I had not quit drinking, I have some perspective there.
Your life, your choices, your relationships, are not completely separate from the drinking. It all gets muddled together. I bet if you were sober and gained some confidence in yourself, you might find you engage in healthier relationships.
I think we all want to believe we can be normal drinkers, and look for ways to rationalize that. I do it. Do you think your relationship with alcohol is a healthy one? Maybe that is a better way to look at it. That is the ticket for me, because the *biggest* problem I have with alcohol has been my physical health. That failed me before I did alot of really awful things. Of course, it is pretty awful to have given myself diabetes.
I am rambling, and a newbie too, but I just keep thinking myself, if I were a normal drinker, I would not devote all this time and energy to thinking and talking about it.
Sober is Better
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: FL
Posts: 153
Originally Posted by rochele 
It sounds like you are anlyzing and thinking an awful lot about a drinking problem you think you might not have. No? I think, for most of us, there is our answer right there. How much time do you think "normal" drinkers devote to this?
I also think, after reading and spending alot of time here, that recovery is a bigger picture, and goes beyond sobriety. Having done some emotional recovery in my life, even though I had not quit drinking, I have some perspective there.
Your life, your choices, your relationships, are not completely separate from the drinking. It all gets muddled together. I bet if you were sober and gained some confidence in yourself, you might find you engage in healthier relationships.
I think we all want to believe we can be normal drinkers, and look for ways to rationalize that. I do it. Do you think your relationship with alcohol is a healthy one? Maybe that is a better way to look at it. That is the ticket for me, because the *biggest* problem I have with alcohol has been my physical health. That failed me before I did alot of really awful things. Of course, it is pretty awful to have given myself diabetes.
I am rambling, and a newbie too, but I just keep thinking myself, if I were a normal drinker, I would not devote all this time and energy to thinking and talking about it.
I also think, after reading and spending alot of time here, that recovery is a bigger picture, and goes beyond sobriety. Having done some emotional recovery in my life, even though I had not quit drinking, I have some perspective there.
Your life, your choices, your relationships, are not completely separate from the drinking. It all gets muddled together. I bet if you were sober and gained some confidence in yourself, you might find you engage in healthier relationships.
I think we all want to believe we can be normal drinkers, and look for ways to rationalize that. I do it. Do you think your relationship with alcohol is a healthy one? Maybe that is a better way to look at it. That is the ticket for me, because the *biggest* problem I have with alcohol has been my physical health. That failed me before I did alot of really awful things. Of course, it is pretty awful to have given myself diabetes.
I am rambling, and a newbie too, but I just keep thinking myself, if I were a normal drinker, I would not devote all this time and energy to thinking and talking about it.
I never thought about it that way... thank you. that makes perfect sense, well going to my meeting tonite lol...
Sober is Better
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: FL
Posts: 153
I'm just thinking now about Albert Einstein and his definition of insanity
Insanity is repeating the same pattern over and over and expecting a different outcome...
no matter how i think the outcome will always be the same
Insanity is repeating the same pattern over and over and expecting a different outcome...
no matter how i think the outcome will always be the same
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,497
I think the label is a non-issue.
Does alcohol cause you problems in your life? It's completely up to you, not your parents or your girlfriend, whether or not you feel like you need/want to stop drinking.
Does alcohol cause you problems in your life? It's completely up to you, not your parents or your girlfriend, whether or not you feel like you need/want to stop drinking.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Toronto
Posts: 205
I wouldn't fret too much about your ex. 19, no decent job or motivation to do anything except hope someone will take complete care of her shows brutal immaturity on her part. And thats completely normal for a 19 year old, its really all she knows and understands or thinks it should be as she is still just a kid.
We all go through stages in life and you are ahead of her and when dating from ages 18-30 you really have to pick and choose partners very carefully that are at your same stage. I think us guys where the label on our chests its so obvious but women are harder to figure out, unfortunately until its too late and you have feeling and emotions invested.
Chalk this up as a learning experience and focus on staying sober for 6 months before even contemplating another relationship.
*Lots of women in their 20's will talk about marriage and stuff but are not prepared to actually do any work towards that goal. Proceed with caution.
We all go through stages in life and you are ahead of her and when dating from ages 18-30 you really have to pick and choose partners very carefully that are at your same stage. I think us guys where the label on our chests its so obvious but women are harder to figure out, unfortunately until its too late and you have feeling and emotions invested.
Chalk this up as a learning experience and focus on staying sober for 6 months before even contemplating another relationship.
*Lots of women in their 20's will talk about marriage and stuff but are not prepared to actually do any work towards that goal. Proceed with caution.
Sober is Better
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: FL
Posts: 153
Originally Posted by MustStop
I wouldn't fret too much about your ex. 19, no decent job or motivation to do anything except hope someone will take complete care of her shows brutal immaturity on her part. And thats completely normal for a 19 year old, its really all she knows and understands or thinks it should be as she is still just a kid.
We all go through stages in life and you are ahead of her and when dating from ages 18-30 you really have to pick and choose partners very carefully that are at your same stage. I think us guys where the label on our chests its so obvious but women are harder to figure out, unfortunately until its too late and you have feeling and emotions invested.
Chalk this up as a learning experience and focus on staying sober for 6 months before even contemplating another relationship.
*Lots of women in their 20's will talk about marriage and stuff but are not prepared to actually do any work towards that goal. Proceed with caution.
We all go through stages in life and you are ahead of her and when dating from ages 18-30 you really have to pick and choose partners very carefully that are at your same stage. I think us guys where the label on our chests its so obvious but women are harder to figure out, unfortunately until its too late and you have feeling and emotions invested.
Chalk this up as a learning experience and focus on staying sober for 6 months before even contemplating another relationship.
*Lots of women in their 20's will talk about marriage and stuff but are not prepared to actually do any work towards that goal. Proceed with caution.
Belgian Sheepdog Adictee
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: In Today
Posts: 6,101
Since you are going to AA.
Chapter 4, first paragraph, starting with the 2nd sentence"
This is what I ended up using as my 'guide'. I could not
stop entirely for more than a day or so and I had absolutely
no control over how I drank when drinking.
Hope that helps you, not necessarily to put a 'label' on
your drinking but to identify that you CANNOT drink.
J M H O
Love and hugs,
Chapter 4, first paragraph, starting with the 2nd sentence"
If, when you honestly want to, you find you
cannot quit entirely, or if when drinking, you have
little control over the amount you take, you are probably
alcoholic. If that be the case, you may be suffering
from an illness which only a spiritual experience
will conquer.
cannot quit entirely, or if when drinking, you have
little control over the amount you take, you are probably
alcoholic. If that be the case, you may be suffering
from an illness which only a spiritual experience
will conquer.
stop entirely for more than a day or so and I had absolutely
no control over how I drank when drinking.
Hope that helps you, not necessarily to put a 'label' on
your drinking but to identify that you CANNOT drink.
J M H O
Love and hugs,
~sb
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: MD
Posts: 15,964
Binge drinkers can have alcoholism. People who kept their jobs can have it.
I used alcohol to deal with the world, specifically my emotions. Rarely did I drink to excess. Not in my early days. Even the drugs I consumed were in a minimal manner and included a long list of "No way would I take those." I only had a few beers after work for a long time.
Yesterday I heard a speaker tape. The guy said, "Alcoholism has nothing to do with drinking. Drinking was my solution to alcoholism."
You couldn't deal with a break-up. Break-ups are filled with emotions. Hmmmm.
Only you can decide if you have a problem. Just because you have "not yet" done what others have done, doesn't mean anything except that these are Not Yet in your life.....
You said, "...and i'm beginning to get over it." So, now that it's almost over, it's OK to drink? After I stop for a while, I also went back to drinking. Everything seemed better.
Your mom is in AA. She won't tell you you are an alcoholic. Again, it's YOUR choice to decide.
A 26 year old man. Are you still living in Mommy and Daddy's house? I see a big blue paw print all over this. (clue)
People in meetings all have opinions and will let you know what they are. It's not about them, it's about YOU. As one who attended her first AA meeting at the age of 25 (already out of my parents' home, with a career, a wonderful life ahead of me), I couldn't relate in as I ONLY heard things to confirm that "I wasn't an alcoholic" over and over. I didn't relate in. I did it my way. Fast forward 25 years, wow, what a mistake I made. It does get worse. Today, I attend meetings and have a design for living. I have my life back.
I may be suggesting a label for you, but that is only because I see red flags above. Have you even tried working the steps?? If anything, they may help you deal with any future break-ups. As a design for living. Meeting makers make a lot of meetings. The steps are where the solution is.
I wish you a beautiful life!
Peace,
I used alcohol to deal with the world, specifically my emotions. Rarely did I drink to excess. Not in my early days. Even the drugs I consumed were in a minimal manner and included a long list of "No way would I take those." I only had a few beers after work for a long time.
Yesterday I heard a speaker tape. The guy said, "Alcoholism has nothing to do with drinking. Drinking was my solution to alcoholism."
You couldn't deal with a break-up. Break-ups are filled with emotions. Hmmmm.
Only you can decide if you have a problem. Just because you have "not yet" done what others have done, doesn't mean anything except that these are Not Yet in your life.....
You said, "...and i'm beginning to get over it." So, now that it's almost over, it's OK to drink? After I stop for a while, I also went back to drinking. Everything seemed better.
Your mom is in AA. She won't tell you you are an alcoholic. Again, it's YOUR choice to decide.
A 26 year old man. Are you still living in Mommy and Daddy's house? I see a big blue paw print all over this. (clue)
People in meetings all have opinions and will let you know what they are. It's not about them, it's about YOU. As one who attended her first AA meeting at the age of 25 (already out of my parents' home, with a career, a wonderful life ahead of me), I couldn't relate in as I ONLY heard things to confirm that "I wasn't an alcoholic" over and over. I didn't relate in. I did it my way. Fast forward 25 years, wow, what a mistake I made. It does get worse. Today, I attend meetings and have a design for living. I have my life back.
I may be suggesting a label for you, but that is only because I see red flags above. Have you even tried working the steps?? If anything, they may help you deal with any future break-ups. As a design for living. Meeting makers make a lot of meetings. The steps are where the solution is.
I wish you a beautiful life!
Peace,
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Canada. About as far south as you can get
Posts: 4,768
There are 12 Steps in the program of AA.
Alcohol is only mentioned in the first half of Step One.
If you have held yourself up to the light of the other 11 1/2 Steps and found nothing warrants attention.... then you are:
a) Not an alcoholic.
b) An alcoholic who hasn't come to the point where they can be helped yet.
Wishing everyone the best in their recovery.
Bob R
Alcohol is only mentioned in the first half of Step One.
If you have held yourself up to the light of the other 11 1/2 Steps and found nothing warrants attention.... then you are:
a) Not an alcoholic.
b) An alcoholic who hasn't come to the point where they can be helped yet.
Wishing everyone the best in their recovery.
Bob R
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Toronto
Posts: 205
Originally Posted by WhySoSerious
thanks man that was very uplifting... im hitting that mid day drag and my mind was starting to lose its resolve... so thank you
Hang in there, one day you'll chuckle to yourself and be glad it ended when it did.
Sober is Better
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: FL
Posts: 153
Originally Posted by sugarbear1
A 26 year old man. Are you still living in Mommy and Daddy's house? I see a big blue paw print all over this. (clue)
~sb
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: MD
Posts: 15,964
Originally Posted by WhySoSerious
yes i've lived on my own since i was 17 and never moved back home, never needed to thankfully. thank you for your kind and honest words.
Have a beautifully sober day!
Peace,
Sober is Better
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: FL
Posts: 153
my disease is causing me to be over-confident and comfortable, i spoke with my sponsor at lunch and read him what i wrote. He asked me, "why did you come to the meeting then?, you said you were tired of feeling awful about your life and yourself and look at how you feel now after just 10 days. Why would you want to go back to what you were doing? For one beer? for one shot of jack? whats the point? work through the rest of the day and we will talk tonite." He is right, entirely,
Thank you all for your advice and words of support. Hopefully I haven't made anyone uncomfortable, im just new to this and after being in the dark for so long, stepping into the light is kind of frightening.
Thank you all for your advice and words of support. Hopefully I haven't made anyone uncomfortable, im just new to this and after being in the dark for so long, stepping into the light is kind of frightening.
Sober is Better
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: FL
Posts: 153
Originally Posted by sugarbear1
Sorry about that, but you had written "She wanted to move out of mom and dads house and have a 'man' take care of her. wanted to get married at 20 and start a family by 22" which confused me.
Have a beautifully sober day!
Peace,
Have a beautifully sober day!
Peace,
lol i got ya, i guess that was kind of confusing, i meant move out of her mom and dads house
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