Ashamed
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Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Here
Posts: 183
Ashamed
Ive got 17 days of no drinking & doing all I can to make permanent positive changes in my life. Going to meetings, eating much better, exercising daily...I am excited about the new direction I am heading.
However, I am ashamed that my drinking got so out of control that I had to make such a change. I did everything I could to keep my alcoholism secret. Secret-secret-secret. I used to be a social party guy back in college and right after, then evolved into a solo drinker. It got to where I would leave a social situation sober and rush to 7-11 before midnight to buy my 18-pack and head home and drink till the sun came up by myself. I lied to everyone in my life about my drinking. Im sure some of my people may have had their own hypothesis as to why I basically became a recluse while putting on the lbs (from drunk eating & the booze of course), but I did all I could to present myself as a "normie".
Now that Ive acknowledged my problem and took strides to make positive changes. Im stuck with how to tell people, including family members that dont already know, that I was a secret alcoholic & am now commited to remaining sober. The shame is almost overwhelming.
However, I am ashamed that my drinking got so out of control that I had to make such a change. I did everything I could to keep my alcoholism secret. Secret-secret-secret. I used to be a social party guy back in college and right after, then evolved into a solo drinker. It got to where I would leave a social situation sober and rush to 7-11 before midnight to buy my 18-pack and head home and drink till the sun came up by myself. I lied to everyone in my life about my drinking. Im sure some of my people may have had their own hypothesis as to why I basically became a recluse while putting on the lbs (from drunk eating & the booze of course), but I did all I could to present myself as a "normie".
Now that Ive acknowledged my problem and took strides to make positive changes. Im stuck with how to tell people, including family members that dont already know, that I was a secret alcoholic & am now commited to remaining sober. The shame is almost overwhelming.
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 1,180
Maybe it is too soon. for me, it is a very private matter and I don't disclose it. If anyone asks why I am not drinking or comments that I look different I say I have stopped drinking for health reasons-this is not a lie.
Think why you want to tell people and what you will gain from doing this. Most people really don't understand anyway so their reactions may not be as you expect. good luck
Think why you want to tell people and what you will gain from doing this. Most people really don't understand anyway so their reactions may not be as you expect. good luck
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Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 2,279
Hey Shane,
Yeah, we can feel ashamed at first but once you start to make positive changes you will find a new sense of fulfillment & pride about the courage it took to make the changes you are making now (I know it seems far off right now).
You don't need to tell everybody everything right away, just what you feel comfortable with & as things progress you might find yourself wanting to reveal more about the real challenges that you had with alcohol. You are doing something about this problem, something many have not even attempted to face.
I went through some of the same emotions that you are going through. At first I let others know that I wasn't drinking (medical, work/life commitments etc.) until I was able to just focus on being sober then I became more comfortable & was able to share more (with real friends & family).
Feel good about yourself, you got into a rut with drinking.... time to get over it & focus on life moving forward (its tough I know). Read my signature for my thoughts on today \/
Forgiveness for yourself & others is an important step for you right now ;-)
It gets better... I promise. You can do this!
Take Care & Keep Sharing ~ NB
Yeah, we can feel ashamed at first but once you start to make positive changes you will find a new sense of fulfillment & pride about the courage it took to make the changes you are making now (I know it seems far off right now).
You don't need to tell everybody everything right away, just what you feel comfortable with & as things progress you might find yourself wanting to reveal more about the real challenges that you had with alcohol. You are doing something about this problem, something many have not even attempted to face.
I went through some of the same emotions that you are going through. At first I let others know that I wasn't drinking (medical, work/life commitments etc.) until I was able to just focus on being sober then I became more comfortable & was able to share more (with real friends & family).
Feel good about yourself, you got into a rut with drinking.... time to get over it & focus on life moving forward (its tough I know). Read my signature for my thoughts on today \/
Forgiveness for yourself & others is an important step for you right now ;-)
It gets better... I promise. You can do this!
Take Care & Keep Sharing ~ NB
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Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Here
Posts: 183
Its probably too soon. Ill feel comfortable when it is right, if it is ever. I am committed to remain sober for good, but I naturally have a fear of failure...and if I include people then fail, I would be devastated.
Thing is...Im getting questions. I live with a relative, who I have been mostly open with, but others are asking why my phone is always off at night (I turn it off during meetings) and asking where I go each night (again, meetings). At this point I almost instinctively lie, because thats what I did while secret drinking, but I dont want to live that way.
Alcoholism is the deep dark family secret that NO ONE ever talks about and invades nearly every branch of my family tree.
Thing is...Im getting questions. I live with a relative, who I have been mostly open with, but others are asking why my phone is always off at night (I turn it off during meetings) and asking where I go each night (again, meetings). At this point I almost instinctively lie, because thats what I did while secret drinking, but I dont want to live that way.
Alcoholism is the deep dark family secret that NO ONE ever talks about and invades nearly every branch of my family tree.
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Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: Colorado
Posts: 1,071
So, you can drink secretly for how long and fool everyone you know, and yet you're sober for 17 days (great work, btw - that's awesome) and all of a sudden everyone wants to know what you're doing? I don't get it. What did you tell them before when they asked questions?
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Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: uk
Posts: 3
Hi,
My story is quite similar to yours.
Last night (at first AA meeting) Someone (with 17 years sobriety) said to me "don't tell too many people, just maybe a few close friends/family members who understand. If you tell too many people it could interfere with your progress"
I was relieved to say the least!
My story is quite similar to yours.
Last night (at first AA meeting) Someone (with 17 years sobriety) said to me "don't tell too many people, just maybe a few close friends/family members who understand. If you tell too many people it could interfere with your progress"
I was relieved to say the least!
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: North America
Posts: 1,628
tell them your exercising when your phone is off.
Everybody has a right to have secrets Shane. you are under no obligation to tell anybody anything. who knows...maybe someday at some point you will want to, in order to help someone out. cross the bridge when it comes.
congrats on your 17 days! Press forward~~~~
Everybody has a right to have secrets Shane. you are under no obligation to tell anybody anything. who knows...maybe someday at some point you will want to, in order to help someone out. cross the bridge when it comes.
congrats on your 17 days! Press forward~~~~
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Join Date: Feb 2012
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Originally Posted by GirlFromCO 
So, you can drink secretly for how long and fool everyone you know, and yet you're sober for 17 days (great work, btw - that's awesome) and all of a sudden everyone wants to know what you're doing? I don't get it. What did you tell them before when they asked questions?
Now I dont want to lie anymore, but am stuck on who to tell, if anyone.
Also, I used to drink late at night mostly, like start after everyone else went to sleep and go till morning.
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Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: Colorado
Posts: 1,071
Gotcha, sorry if I misunderstood... Not telling is not lying. My experiece has been that you can always change your mind later and tell someone, but you can't ever un-tell someone, and sometimes you wish you could.
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Join Date: Feb 2012
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Originally Posted by ultrabunnyrun
Hi,
My story is quite similar to yours.
Last night (at first AA meeting) Someone (with 17 years sobriety) said to me "don't tell too many people, just maybe a few close friends/family members who understand. If you tell too many people it could interfere with your progress"
I was relieved to say the least!
My story is quite similar to yours.
Last night (at first AA meeting) Someone (with 17 years sobriety) said to me "don't tell too many people, just maybe a few close friends/family members who understand. If you tell too many people it could interfere with your progress"
I was relieved to say the least!
Thx for sharing that. And way to go! on the 1st AA meeting
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Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Between Meetings
Posts: 8,997
ShaneW...You sound like you are doing great....Tell who you feel needs to know...Or tell nobody....Work on getting better....I'd rather see the people you know find out you are a recovered secret alcoholic some day down the road....Than hearing you died from it. Work the program...Get honest with yourself and your sponsor...And enjoy your new life.
Self recovered Self discovered
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Toronto Canada
Posts: 5,148
I might start to examine some of the assumptions and beliefs that surround your situation right now.
For example:
These beliefs were only creations of my own mind, and were distractions during my early sobriety. Instead, I needed to focus on becoming a non-drinker, on concentrating on the present moment, and learning how to accept a whole bunch of things I never could control. This finally allowed me to start to regain my self esteem, and to add things to my life that supported that perception. For example, self-care, diet, exercise, old hobbies and a few new ones now occupy the time I spent with the bottle.
Eventually, people began to notice these changes in me. Without exception, they have been more than OK with them. I am pleased with the changes I am making in myself too. I wish the same for you.
For example:
- People didn't know how much I was drinking
- People must know why my phone is off during AA meetings
- People must know that I no longer drink
- I must feel ashamed of my past relationship with alcohol
- I must be anxious and fear 'coming out' as a non-drinker in the future
These beliefs were only creations of my own mind, and were distractions during my early sobriety. Instead, I needed to focus on becoming a non-drinker, on concentrating on the present moment, and learning how to accept a whole bunch of things I never could control. This finally allowed me to start to regain my self esteem, and to add things to my life that supported that perception. For example, self-care, diet, exercise, old hobbies and a few new ones now occupy the time I spent with the bottle.
Eventually, people began to notice these changes in me. Without exception, they have been more than OK with them. I am pleased with the changes I am making in myself too. I wish the same for you.
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Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: Florida
Posts: 1,938
Shane,
When I quit I didn't tell anyone. At social finctions when offered a drink I request diet soda and nobody makes a big deal of it. Sometimes I tell them I am trying to lose weight. I come from a family with some pretty heavy drinkers. Some people have gone through recovery and other people have had the grim reaper arrive early due to their drinking. For the most part people don't know or care that I have stopped drinking. No matter what people think the most important thing for me to accomplish every day is not to drink and day by day I have been off booze for 7 months. In so many ways it has been a great journey for the better.
When I quit I didn't tell anyone. At social finctions when offered a drink I request diet soda and nobody makes a big deal of it. Sometimes I tell them I am trying to lose weight. I come from a family with some pretty heavy drinkers. Some people have gone through recovery and other people have had the grim reaper arrive early due to their drinking. For the most part people don't know or care that I have stopped drinking. No matter what people think the most important thing for me to accomplish every day is not to drink and day by day I have been off booze for 7 months. In so many ways it has been a great journey for the better.
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Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Queens, NY
Posts: 267
shane, everybody is right. no obligations and wait till ready. that said you have a perspective problem I think. If nobody knew and now you are owning i - i would say you have bragging rights not shame. imagine how powerful "i was drinking too much and now i am getting a handle on it. wish me luck" only thing i can imagine is support and accolades. there is of course the very real sense of failure. i for one chose to involve family as further support not a source of pressure.
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Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Missouri
Posts: 65
Shane, I have had the same feeling and came to the conclusion not to share my journey with anyone but my son right now.
I feel i would have more pressure and "looks" when i would be around others with them wondering if I was back to drinking, etc.
Everyone's posts to you have helped me in my decision and I feel relief about it.
I feel i would have more pressure and "looks" when i would be around others with them wondering if I was back to drinking, etc.
Everyone's posts to you have helped me in my decision and I feel relief about it.
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