talkthattalk9

I really don't know where to start. . .

I met my boyfriend when I turned 21, he was 19. we have been together 6.5 years, and it has been full of ups and downs.

our number one enemy: alcohol.

when we first started dating, we were both into the college party scene. after dating him awhile, I got sick of the scene and wanted to spend more time with him. meanwhile he wanted to party all the time.

it has caused a million fights with us.

I now live with him. we have both grown personally and together as a couple. I have always had a problem with alcohol. I would get so drunk that I blacked out, and I have done such things as breaking a window with my hand, losing phones, keys, hurting my boyfriend in mean horrible ways, and almost lost friends because of it.

a month ago I Decided I had to eliminate alcohol from my life because I didn't want to be that way anymore. I am happy to say that I have stopped drinking. I am now going to church with my friend, who has been nothing but supportive and I have seen such an improvement in my life.

my boyfriend, I am starting to believe, is an alcoholic. (well I have actually always felt he might have this problem)

his father was an alcoholic growing up. it ruined his marriage to my bf's mom. my bf has told me some pretty bad stories about his dad's drinking. his father still drinks, not as much as he used to, but safe to say he still has a drinking problem.

in the span of the 6 years we have dated my boyfriend has thrown a cup of pop in my face, pushed me into a couch, threw a beer bottle past my head into a wall, threw a plate of spaghetti past my head at the wall, flipped a recliner, and verbally bashed me to the point I had breakdowns... all while wasted

when he is not drunk, he is so nice and funny. but when he drinks a bad side comes out.

when I decided to stop drinking, it was because we got in a fight one night while both drinking and he freaked out on me in front of our friends. and I called my brother to talk and my brother got really mad at how he was treating me and called my boyfriend leaving a voicemail about how he is a drunk, he needs help, etc. .... my boyfriend broke up with me because of the voicemail.

we got back together, and I told him I would try changing my bad ways, and he promised me he wouldn't have his drunk friends over as much anymore.

it was that way for about 2 weeks, but now he is back to his old ways.

last week, he came home a total of 2 nights. the rest of them, he was over at his friends house and got so drunk he couldn't drive home, so he spent the night at his friends.

I started getting suspicious, like any woman would, but he swore to me that there was no other woman (and I believe him... I have sadly "joked" with my friends that I never have to worry about another woman, ALCOHOL is the other woman in our lives)

it is now wednesday of this week, and monday he got too drunk spent the night at his friends. last night, he had to spend with me because it was valentines day. tonight? he is at the bar.

I do not know what to do anymore. I make myself sick with worry that "tonight he is going to go out drinking"

when the weekends hit, I get sick to my stomach over the fight I know we are going to have because he want's his friends to come over and drink.

they act like wild animals. they scream, yell, bang on tables, blast music on highest volume, and if I even try to ask any of them to quiet it down I get so much hassling and yelling from not only my boyfriend but his friends. and my boyfriend is so drunk at that point that everything is my fault and they have a right to do what they want

I HATE his friends so much. and they all hate me because I "I am a b*tch" I am only one when they come over disrespecting our house, and I have tried confronting them in a calm manner.

I do not know what to do. I want to sit down and talk to him about his drinking but I know he will get super defensive and brush off anything I say.

and I also know his problem can't just be "stopped" I mean he can go a few days without drinking but it is once in a blue moon. if he is home with me, he will casually drink beer all night.

I am at my breaking point. I do not want to lose the man I love. I know some of you may think I am crazy but I just do not want to lose him. when he is not drunk he is a different person.

any advice? how do I deal? how do I approach him with what I Want to say :-(

if anything thank you for listening. I really needed somewhere to talk.

thanks

wicked

TTT9,

I am so glad you found us, but sorry for the reason.
I suggest reading the stickies at the top of the page, and read some more stories about alcoholism and its affects on the loved ones.

I would not want to label him an alcoholic, but it does seem like he is heading for trouble.
The violence is what worries me the most. Alcoholics can be violent, but not all of them.
I was one of the silent maudlin drunks. ewww.

There is nothing you can say to make him stop or slow down. Oh, he might stop for a little while, but it will come back with a vengeance.

Please read "Codependent No More" by Mellody Beattie. That is just to start. Next one,
"Why Does He Do That?" by Robin Lundy.

Keep coming back, there are many people here who will listen and we understand.
You are not alone.

Beth
:ghug3

suki44883

Welcome to SR. You will find a lot of support here from people who have been where you now find yourself. Wicked is right about reading the stickies and the books. They can help you understand the alcoholic. I, too, worry more about the violence. Alcoholism and abuse are two separate issues. If a person doesn't have it in them to be physically abusive, drinking alcohol isn't going to make them abusive. There are many, many alcoholics that never get physical when they drink. I hope you will keep this in mind.

Regarding "having the talk," it sounds like he already knows how you feel. You say you have had numerous fights about it, so he knows your thoughts on the issue. It's not likely that telling him again is going to accomplish anything, but you have to do whatever you feel you need to do.

You are both very young and it sounds like basically neither of you has been in a long-term relationship with anyone else. Sometimes people grow apart. Sometimes one person "grows up" and the other doesn't. Maybe that is what has happened here, but in any case, a healthy relationship is two people growing together and respecting each other and never harming the other. Just some food for thought.

Impurrfect

((talk))) - I'm a recovering crack addict, left my bf (who had no desire to stop smoking crack) and have other loved ones who are A's (addicts/alcoholics).

IMO, you're living your life walking on eggshells..is he going to be drunk? Is he going to bring his drinking buddies over?

I read "Codependent no More" back when I was with the FIRST XABF (ex alcoholic/addict bf) but I thought it didn't apply to me. I abused substances (alcohol, then opiates, then crack) to deal with feelings I couldn't deal with.

I was blessed enough to hit my bottom in addiction and codependency at the same time. I lurked here over a year, finally signed on at 6 months clean and sober, and began to focus on why I thought my 3 XABF's were "all that" and I "can't live life without them".

I can, and I do. So can you. My XABF#3 died because of the lifestyle he continued to lead...pneumonia, but smoking crack was more important than going to a dr. to get checked out. I used to be an RN (lost that career to addiction), I could have been RIGHT THERE with him, and it wouldn't have changed a thing.

When I came here, I read a gazillion threads, realized I wasn't alone. There are all kinds of threads on boundaries..things we do for US, not the A. Things like "I will not tolerate.....". It took me a loooong time for me to figure out what my boundaries were, but I'm living with an addict stepmom (thanks to the consequences of MY addictions, I can't afford a place of my own) "if you pass out, I will make sure you have a pulse and are breathing. If not, I will call 911 and start CPR, if they are present, I will leave you where you lay". I will admit...it took me a long time to GET to this point, but the great folks here walked me through the baby steps at what is best for ME, and what I can (me) and cannot (everyone else) control.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

Tuffgirl

Welcome to SR, takethat.

Lots of great advice here already. But I have to ask - when you say confrontation - what do you hope the outcome of that will be? Because if it is the miracle of agreement and immediate change on his part, you may be sorely disappointed. Know your motives before confronting.

I am sorry your situation brought you here, but I hope you stay and find this place the wonderful resource it is.

Take good care,
~T

Terminally Unique

Hello, talkthattalk.

I'm going to sidestep your main question for the time being and let others address it, but I just wanted to point out that what you "joked" about with your friends is actually a key insight. Right now, at the very least, there is literally a love triangle in your relationship.

Since you also had a problem with alcohol, there might actually be a double triangle, and the fact that you both drank together before complicates things further. Addiction is a jealous lover, and you will need to be keenly aware of this dynamic as you go forward and consider your options, so don't casually dismiss it.

Eight Ball

Welcome talkthattalk9

I am glad that you have found somewhere to talk - we understand, many of us have been in similar situations to yourself.

Firstly, I am going to agree with those above, that abuse and alcoholism are two totally seperate issues and need to be treated as such. My therapist taught me to hold my hand up and say 'stop' ' I do not have to listen to abuse'. This worked for me and the verbal abuse stopped. Abuse in any form is not acceptable.

The man you love is a whole person, he maybe someone who is nice when sober and mean when drinking but until he wants to be a better person and realises for himself that he needs to quit his drinking, he is going to continue to have his bad behaviours.

I had tried talking, shouting, berating, sulking, anger, tears, writing letters and silence with my AH and nothing changed. My AH still drank. I gave him an ultimatum once and he chose beer over a 23yr marriage and told me if I didnt like his drinking, I could leave.

I have loved my AH for 30 yrs (we met at 15yrs). I got stuck/trapped for a long, long time because I really loved the sober man and wanted to be with him. My therapist would tell me that the 'nice' him was a lie and it took me quite a few sessions before I realised that I had to like both the bad and the good parts of him, if I wanted to be with him, as that was all he was willing to be.

My own health and wellbeing was suffering through his drinking and I was unable to let it go, so I left, even though I loved him. Truth was, I discovered through therapy and SR, that I was important, my health was important and that although I loved him, I had to love myself more.

I now lead a very happy, quiet, peaceful life, full of joy, laughter and loving. Its only now that I can really see how sick I had become, loving and living with an active alcoholic.

Please keep reading all you can, particulary the threads 'stickies' up the top of SR. I am pleased that you have found SR.

Willybluedog

Welcome,

So glad you are here, my ex-wife and I were much like you and you BF, we binged bad on the weekends, we had nasty verbal brawls, and one time after she puched me in the kidney I hit her back. That was a major wake up call for me, I quit drinking, and that was actually worse because she felt like I was holding up a mirror to her drinking, judging her, etc. I never asked her tp stop, but I din't need to, she knew she was overdoing it, a sober me was threatenting to her.

My mother has been an alcoholic since I was little, check out the ACOA forum, growing up with an alcoholic parent is a tough road for a kid, and it affects you deeply as an adult.

I am in therapy for issues relating to my mothers alcoholism, many here attend al-anon, I would suggest you do either or both. IMO you have some self-esteem issues to work on if you allow yourself to be treated this way, his violent outbursts scare me, one of these days the plate is not going to hit the wall, it's going to hit you!

Counseling and al-anon will help you understand alcoholism and set boundaries, it will also teach you to work on your own recovery and leave him to his recovery.

A good start might be, "I won't bug you about your drinking if you do it somewhere else" let him go drink at his buddies house, he's a grown man, he knows what is right and wrong, you bugging him is not going to make him quit, it might make him temporarily cut down, more likely he will just hide it from you.

Dealing with an alcoholic or drug addict is like having a tiger by the tail, the only real option is to let go.

I know you love him, I know he is a good guy when he is sober, and if you read these stories you will read those same statements over and over from many different people.

I will ask a favor of you, please read the ACOA forum, and please don't raise a child in a home with an alcoholic parent, it is a fate that no child deserves.

I hope you will read, and come back and talk with us again, I will be here for you, I will be glad to answer any questions I can.

Big hugs,

Bill

Sarah222

I could have written this post myself. I dated my now exabf for four years and lived with him for three of those years. It got to a point where I couldn't stand it any longer. I couldn't keep coming home after work every night anxious to see how drunk he would be. My ex, like your boyfriend, would go out often and stroll in at 4 or 5 am. the nights he stayed home with me he would, like your boyfriend, causually drink at home.

It got to a point where I had to ask him-what's more important- me, or the drinking? In my case the drinking was more important. He said he wasn't willing to give it up. I packed my things, moved to my parents, and started looking for a new place to live.

Flash forward seven months. I'm here. I'm doing ok, and I'm happy. I still miss him frm time to time and I do worry about him, but I know there's nothing I can do for him anymore. He's not going to get help unless he wants the help. Alcoholics have to make the steps to change on their own-there's nothing we can say or do to make them change. Even leaving my ex wasn't enough to change his habits.

I know exactly what you're going through. I know how hard this is. You need to be strong. You need to think about what is best for you and hold onto that. It wasn't easy for me to walk away from four years of unconditional love and affection but I had to do what was best for myself. Outside of the drinking my ex and I did have a lot of love for each other. We did. But as our relationship ended there were no sober nights so I had nothing left to hold on to.

Please be strong. I know what you are going through. I know how hard this is. If you ever need anything please let me know as I know how much you're hurting. You're life will be beautiful again once you figure out what is best for you. When my ex and I were breaking up I posted here often, and the love and support from everyone on this forum got me through some of my darkest days. We're here for you. Please. Take comfort in that.

Keep us updated. I hope you find the strength you need. Sending much love your way.

WHOamInow

I am in a predicament right now with my girlfriend, who i introduced opiates too, as we are beginning SOBRIETY- and i almost feel like their is NO CHANCE of being able to beat this addiction TOGETHER under the same roof, with withdrawals and existing problems .. this isnt my 1st addiction, or 1st time a relationship ended for me due to drugs. Cocaine ruined and played a part of my divorce.. 5 years later, here i am. LOVE MY YOUNGER CURRENT GIRLFRIEND (1.5 YEARS) SOOOO MUCH, And it could possibly just not be possible anymore.. and i feel guilty for introducing her to pills. But ANYTHING'S possible, both.POSITIVELY on your side, or NEGATIVELY to your side.. good luck..

m1k3

Talkthattalk, sit and write down all of your talking points, take your time and think them over. Think about what your reaction will be if he says no and have your plan b ready. Now take your notes and go out back and have that discussion with the nearest tree. The advantage do doing this is that discussing it with the tree will have the same effect as discussing it with your ABF except the tree won't get mad. Now, follow through with your plan b.

I have been married to an alcohol for 36 years and I can say from experience that if THEY are not ready to start recovery on their own it just doesn't matter what you say or do.

Your friend,

StarCat

I would just like to reiterate the point that Alcoholism and Abuse are two separate issues. I, too, was in a relationship with an alcoholic abuser - in his case it was not physical, "only" emotional/verbal/sexual, that kind that kills the soul on a daily basis.

I, too, thought it was only when he drank. When he drank whiskey he became a raging lunatic, spewing insults and lies and filth at me that I started to believe about how I was ugly and fat and worthless. When he was not drunk he would compliment me and take me to expensive dinners and museums and brag about me to his family and tell me how he couldn't believe his luck to have an angel like me in his life and how sorry he was for all the things he said and did while he was drunk.

Then one night a little over a year ago, just before Christmas, I hit my bottom and he tried to throw a chair at me and laid his hands on me when I was trying to sleep so that he could scream in my face... That was the night I spent at my desk at work, changing the locks the next day and telling him that I wouldn't let him near me until he went to rehab. I believe that if he went to rehab and got sober then the abuse would go away, too.

He went to rehab Christmas day, and once he was there and I finally had some space to think I realized that he was always controlling and abusive. I had only noticed the parts he did when drinking because they were more violent. When sober he would still look up giant articles about how I could lose weight (I weighed between 105-115 lbs. during my relationship with him, it fluctuated depending upon the stress in the relationship). He would schedule all of my time a full year in advance and then guilt trip me out of going to my friend's wedding or lunch with a former coworker or playing the trumpet one night a week to help out my old college jazz band. He would manipulate me and lie to me and do whatever it took to convince me to turn to him for everything and isolate me from everyone else. He would monopolize my time and attention at home and at work, and it was all a facade.

There's a book study here on "Why Does He Do That?" - I'd highly recommend reading this thread, and the book: http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-chapters.html
This book really helped open my eyes... Especially the chapter where it details the different techniques of abusers, and I realized that I could not only identify a few as "drunk XABF" but many of them were absolutely "sober XABF."

Alcoholism and abuse are two different issues.

nodaybut2day

This. x 100.

What do you get when you sober up a horse thief? A sober horse thief.

Just because your boyfriend is sober, doesn't mean he'll suddenly stop abusing you, physically and verbally, and become a perfect partner.

As for "when he is not drunk he is a different person"...well, you simply cannot dissociate the drunk man from the sober man. They are one and the same person. Do you accept your boyfriend as he is today? Because that is the ONLY person he is willing to be right now.

theuncertainty

Welcome to SR, Talkthattalk

In my life with XAH, I learned that who a person's friends are tells a lot about that person. I don't think I will ever again date a man who's closest friends treat women like groupies, brag about cheating on their wife, drink or use - oh, but they're really NICE guys, they just need to relax, you know. or XAH's not like them, he would never cheat, he would never treat me like a doll to use and toss aside like his friends do with their girls or He'll outgrow it. He'll be a responsible adult when the time comes...

Nope, not going to let myself fall into that thinking again. Or I'm going to darn well try not to. If I don't like his friends, the people he's always hanging out with, and if I don't like who he is when he's around them, then I don't think I like who he really is. Because that person is just as much him as the person he is when they're not around.