Struggling Parent
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Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: WI
Posts: 16
Struggling Parent
Hello everyone,
I am new to this board, but have been struggling for 3+ years with a teenage son who is an alcoholic and marijuana addict. He has been expelled from school, been in multiple outpatient rehab clinics and completed a stay at an inpatient facility last year. He was doing well it seemed for 7-8 months, then he turned 18 recently and gradually stopped going to meetings and stopped seeing his outpatient counselor, and inevitably relapsed while starting to hang out at the place of a legal age drinker and another friend he used to get drunk and high with.
Since we have more experience now with the lies and deceptions and altered behaviors of a teenage addict/alcoholic, we were able to catch it more quickly this time, but it is no less painful. And now it is more complicated since he is now a legal adult. He has talked about moving out so he can keep hanging out with his friends, but we laid down strict conditions for him to continue living with us and it seems like he has begrudgingly accepted them. So I sense that deep down he knows he needs help and needs a structured environment. But I fear that at any moment he could get mad at what he perceives as being "controlled" and move out on his own. I don't feel he is ready to deal with this powerful disease on his own, so I really want him to stay with us and continue recovery, which he is doing so far. It would be easier to let go, but I can't, not as long as he's living with us. Have my first Al-anon meeting tonight. I'll see how that goes. Thank you for "listening".
I am new to this board, but have been struggling for 3+ years with a teenage son who is an alcoholic and marijuana addict. He has been expelled from school, been in multiple outpatient rehab clinics and completed a stay at an inpatient facility last year. He was doing well it seemed for 7-8 months, then he turned 18 recently and gradually stopped going to meetings and stopped seeing his outpatient counselor, and inevitably relapsed while starting to hang out at the place of a legal age drinker and another friend he used to get drunk and high with.
Since we have more experience now with the lies and deceptions and altered behaviors of a teenage addict/alcoholic, we were able to catch it more quickly this time, but it is no less painful. And now it is more complicated since he is now a legal adult. He has talked about moving out so he can keep hanging out with his friends, but we laid down strict conditions for him to continue living with us and it seems like he has begrudgingly accepted them. So I sense that deep down he knows he needs help and needs a structured environment. But I fear that at any moment he could get mad at what he perceives as being "controlled" and move out on his own. I don't feel he is ready to deal with this powerful disease on his own, so I really want him to stay with us and continue recovery, which he is doing so far. It would be easier to let go, but I can't, not as long as he's living with us. Have my first Al-anon meeting tonight. I'll see how that goes. Thank you for "listening".
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Welcome to the SR family!
I'm glad you are here, and very glad to read that you are trying Alanon!
I think you will find lots of support here and at your local Alanon meetings. I will pass on the advice I received about attending Alanon: try 6 meetings - then decide if it is for you.
Please make yourself at home by reading and posting as much as needed. We understand living with a loved ones addiciton, and we are here to support you.
This is one of my favorite Sticky posts (older, permanent posts) from the top of the forum page. It contains steps that helped me while living with addiction in my home:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html
I'm glad you are here, and very glad to read that you are trying Alanon!
I think you will find lots of support here and at your local Alanon meetings. I will pass on the advice I received about attending Alanon: try 6 meetings - then decide if it is for you.
Please make yourself at home by reading and posting as much as needed. We understand living with a loved ones addiciton, and we are here to support you.
This is one of my favorite Sticky posts (older, permanent posts) from the top of the forum page. It contains steps that helped me while living with addiction in my home:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: WI
Posts: 16
Hi again,
Just wanted to update my post from yesterday. I did have my first Al-anon meeting last night, and overall I would say that it was a sobering yet at the same time positive experience. Seeing the other people in the meeting who have been struggling with alcoholic relatives for decades has made me realize that I am in for a long battle with no quick fix. But I also feel I am taking the first steps to accepting it and taking care of my life rather than worrying every minute about whether my son will ever get sober. I'm still going to worry, but I hope that continuing with these meetings with give me a little more strength and realization that many parents out there are going through the same issues.
I am not a religious person, so there are certain parts of the Al-anon program that I don't find very useful. But just talking about my problems and hearing how other people have coped with this disease is plenty beneficial in itself. So I would recommend to relatives of alcoholics and addicts to at least give it a try.
Just wanted to update my post from yesterday. I did have my first Al-anon meeting last night, and overall I would say that it was a sobering yet at the same time positive experience. Seeing the other people in the meeting who have been struggling with alcoholic relatives for decades has made me realize that I am in for a long battle with no quick fix. But I also feel I am taking the first steps to accepting it and taking care of my life rather than worrying every minute about whether my son will ever get sober. I'm still going to worry, but I hope that continuing with these meetings with give me a little more strength and realization that many parents out there are going through the same issues.
I am not a religious person, so there are certain parts of the Al-anon program that I don't find very useful. But just talking about my problems and hearing how other people have coped with this disease is plenty beneficial in itself. So I would recommend to relatives of alcoholics and addicts to at least give it a try.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: « USA » Recovered with AVRT (Rational Recovery) ___________
Posts: 3,680
Originally Posted by ag0710 
... have been struggling for 3+ years with a teenage son who is an alcoholic and marijuana addict. He has... been in multiple outpatient rehab clinics and completed a stay at an inpatient facility last year...
I'm sorry to hear you are struggling with this. I have no advice regarding whether or not to let your son stay with you, as it isn't my place to say, since only you know your family dynamics. That said, if you have not done so, you may want to consider making it clear that drinking or drugging will not be permitted in your home. This will protect you from a lot of turmoil, and also shield you from the liability that comes with having illegal drugs in your home.
Regarding the multiple rehab stints, I've seen people with seven or more rehab visits before, one with double that, and families completely bankrupted from financing their children's rehab merry-go-round. Rehab simply does not do anything for many people, particularly if they don't want to be there. The rehabs will probably tell you that your son needs "more treatment," which just means more of the same thing that hasn't worked. Before accepting this simplistic explanation, I would encourage you to look at other alternatives.
Take care.
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Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: WI
Posts: 16
Originally Posted by Terminally Unique
Regarding the multiple rehab stints, I've seen people with seven or more rehab visits before, one with double that, and families completely bankrupted from financing their children's rehab merry-go-round. Rehab simply does not do anything for many people, particularly if they don't want to be there. The rehabs will probably tell you that your son needs "more treatment," which just means more of the same thing that hasn't worked. Before accepting this simplistic explanation, I would encourage you to look at other alternatives.
Take care.
Take care.
I agree that inpatient rehab is often times nothing more than a temporary living facility for many young addicts and alcoholics. In fact, my son's inpatient counselor privately told me that 95% of the kids end up relapsing and coming back at some point. Do you know of any alternatives that might be more effective if we get to that point?
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
Originally Posted by ag0710
Thanks for your ideas TU,
I agree that inpatient rehab is often times nothing more than a temporary living facility for many young addicts and alcoholics. In fact, my son's inpatient counselor privately told me that 95% of the kids end up relapsing and coming back at some point. Do you know of any alternatives that might be more effective if we get to that point?
I agree that inpatient rehab is often times nothing more than a temporary living facility for many young addicts and alcoholics. In fact, my son's inpatient counselor privately told me that 95% of the kids end up relapsing and coming back at some point. Do you know of any alternatives that might be more effective if we get to that point?
I went through rehab also, though I was 28 at the time. I desperately wanted recovery. I did attend/still attend AA meetings. When I relapsed after 4 years clean/sober, thankfully I was only binging for two months before I got back into recovery.
I also have a 34-year-old addict daughter, so I feel for you as a mother. She's been out of the house since she was 17. It's been the same old same old with her.
Today I give her the dignity to make her own choices, and turn her over to God.
Sending you hugs of support!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: WI
Posts: 16
After a series of conversations in which we as parents held to our stance of not enabling his drug/alcohol use in our home, our son made the decision to move in with his 21 year old friend who he has been drinking and smoking pot with. We requested that if his decision was final that he move out as soon as possible so we can get on with our lives. So he moved out last night. We had some heated moments, but by the end we had reached a somewhat amicable conclusion. We made it clear that we did not support his decision to abandon all the progress he had made in his recovery and put himself in a risky situation that will guarantee that he will have problems again. We did not completely cut off contact with him, and even hugged him goodbye, but made it clear that he can only come back to the house if we are present (and we took his key and will change the garage door code).
It's an awkward situation, one that I'm not completely sure how to deal with. I worry about him and I want him to know I still love him, but I also can't go full in when the situation he put himself in is almost sure to end up bad for all of us. I also don't want to lend him money or make it more comfortable in any way for him to live on his own when we are so opposed to what he is doing.
In a way it's a relief to come to some sort of conclusion, after all the tension and uncertainty of the last week, which was probably the worst week in my life. I've been to 2 Al-anon meetings (my wife has been to 1) and we are at least starting the process of healing and detaching. But it makes it difficult when almost everywhere I walk in the house brings back memories of a time when he was an innocent child and we were a loving family. That will take time to get over. We've already put away a picture of the 3 of us that was out on display because it made us sad every time we looked at it. I know peace will come some day, but I also know more crises will come so it may be a long time before I feel completely at ease. Just taking it a day at a time...
It's an awkward situation, one that I'm not completely sure how to deal with. I worry about him and I want him to know I still love him, but I also can't go full in when the situation he put himself in is almost sure to end up bad for all of us. I also don't want to lend him money or make it more comfortable in any way for him to live on his own when we are so opposed to what he is doing.
In a way it's a relief to come to some sort of conclusion, after all the tension and uncertainty of the last week, which was probably the worst week in my life. I've been to 2 Al-anon meetings (my wife has been to 1) and we are at least starting the process of healing and detaching. But it makes it difficult when almost everywhere I walk in the house brings back memories of a time when he was an innocent child and we were a loving family. That will take time to get over. We've already put away a picture of the 3 of us that was out on display because it made us sad every time we looked at it. I know peace will come some day, but I also know more crises will come so it may be a long time before I feel completely at ease. Just taking it a day at a time...
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Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: « USA » Recovered with AVRT (Rational Recovery) ___________
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ag0710,
While I would never suggest that someone ask their own child to leave, I must commend you for what you did. You allowed your son to choose between life in addiction and life in the family. He is an adult, and he made his choice, however perverse it may be. This is not entirely a bad thing, however. It necessarily means that he may someday choose to rejoin the family, eschewing life in addiction.
I recommend sticking to your guns, because if you cave at this point, you will lose all credibility. I realize that you undoubtedly feel sad at this point, but know that you have set things up so that he may one day actually reclaim his own life. This is more than all the rehabs and addictions counselors in the world combined will ever do for him. Make sure he has some way to contact you should he ever decide to do the right thing and return to the family.
-- From a former bad addict.
PS: If you want more information along these lines, feel free to contact me via Private Message.
While I would never suggest that someone ask their own child to leave, I must commend you for what you did. You allowed your son to choose between life in addiction and life in the family. He is an adult, and he made his choice, however perverse it may be. This is not entirely a bad thing, however. It necessarily means that he may someday choose to rejoin the family, eschewing life in addiction.
I recommend sticking to your guns, because if you cave at this point, you will lose all credibility. I realize that you undoubtedly feel sad at this point, but know that you have set things up so that he may one day actually reclaim his own life. This is more than all the rehabs and addictions counselors in the world combined will ever do for him. Make sure he has some way to contact you should he ever decide to do the right thing and return to the family.
-- From a former bad addict.
PS: If you want more information along these lines, feel free to contact me via Private Message.
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