breakaway

I am so stuck in my biggest character defect: EGO, that when someone in my life is showing one of their character defects, I have a hard time coexisting with that person. I am a sales team leader and I put my heart and sole into training the people who are under me. One person is not performing well and she is trying to put the blame on me as a trainer. This is destroying me and how I feel about myself and my work ethic. My ego is so bruised and I am obsessing about what she has said about me to other colleagues. I can't shake it. Can someone help me put this to rest? I need to learn how to let go of criticism and accept that I am not perfect.

jjc81

I know it sounds corny but Please don't let her issues get to you. You obviously hold your position at work because you've earned it and do it well. She is not going to get very far using other people as a scapegoat and to add to it she is hindering her growth. The people that she's talking to know you, and will see what her words are worth. nothing. If I were you I would straighten my shoulders and walk tall knowing that people like her will come and thankfully GO

sugarbear1

How long sober do you have?

shaun00

Sounds like lots of fear and resentment .
Did you call a sponsor ? .....get it all down on paper in column form as suggested in the book .
In the mean time you could pray for the person ? ...works for me .

freya

"how to deal with other people's character defects"

Not possible. You cannot "deal with," control, remove or otherwise get rid of other people's character defects. You are powerless over other people's character defects and, as your post illustrates, your life becomes unmanageable when you spend your valuable time and energy obsessing about what other people are doing and thinking (out of character defect or any other motivation) and to what effect.

So, why don't you try focusing on what you can control -- your own attitudes, thoughts and behaviors. I usually find it most helpful to start with a modified version of the Fear Prayer: "God, release me from this X (fear, obsession, worry, negativity, w-h-a-t-e-v-e-r....) and direct my attention to what I can do right here and now to better become the person that you would have me be." Whenever I find myself focused on the current fear/drama/injustice/slight of choice, I immediately say that prayer and trust my HP to refocus me on whatever next-right-thing presents itself. Sometimes, if I'm in a really bad way, I might have to start out by doing that every 10 or 15 minutes. It doesn't matter; I just do it as often as I have to and, at this point, it usually "takes" pretty quickly.

Another thing that is really helpful to me, especially if the situation is on-going and leading to stuff that is coming up on my 10th Step every day, is to sit down with my sponsor or a program friend and do a mini-4th Step on it. When I do this, I really get a handle on the part I'm playing in creating the problem in a format that leads directly into a solution that I am familiar with and that I know works -- i.e. mini-Steps 6-9.

Finally, in a situation like the one you're describing, I've always found it best in the long run to just hold my head up and go on about my business as I would do if the distracting situation did not exist, trusting that my behavior and my character will speak for themselves and that anyone whose good opinion is worth having is going to be able to figure that out eventually.

freya

sugarbear1

I'm dealing with my own ego. It had to be torn down and rebuilt. It likes to rebuild itself to what it was, and that wasn't very useful to anyone but me (and my self-centeredness, etc). If I am to be useful to another, I must continuously work on this. I find the solution is in the steps. It's why I meet with my sponsor once a week and I work on the steps daily. The answers to dealing with our own ego is in the book Alcoholics Anonymous. As a trainer, wouldn't it help to lead by a strong example and show these others how strong you really are?

DayTrader

I don't know that it's EGO so much as an "old methodology of living." - Specifically, feeling it's ok to sit in judgement of them - to judge them as wrong for what they're doing vs forgiving them. ....that's what it was/is in my case anyway. When I judge someone's actions as wrong, I carry those feelings around with me (resentment) and they weigh ME down. Part of the 4th step helps me with this where it asks us to consider that they, like us, are sick (sick in the sense that they're blocked from God / the Sunlight of the Spirit and if they weren't....they probably wouldn't be doing what they're doing). When I think back to times when I've blamed others for my misdeeds, it's easy to see I was just messed up in the head at the time and that "tool" was the only one I knew to use. You're likely dealing with someone who doesn't know better (yet).....so forgive them and pray for them.


Only feeling ok with me being dependent upon how others look at / view me has been a helluva hurdle to overcome. It's one I still have to work on fairly often. A couple years ago though, it was something I needed to be vigilant of almost all day long. What she says about you.....even how the others may think about you upon hearing what she has to say....none of it really matters in the long term. If you're living your life as God would have you live it, if you're doing what He wants you to do, and if you're trying your best......I seen that things like this tend to take care of themselves.

I've always been pretty immature when it comes to other people's opinions of me. I derived most of my self worth in that manner...and I can tell ya, it's a depressing and frustrating way to live. Lots of prayers, inventory and lots of looking at the tools/thoughts/beliefs by which I've lived my life helped me see the futility of it all.....and led me to a deeper understanding of the second half of the first step (my life, drunk or sober, is unmanageable......without some additional {Higher} Power guiding and helping me).

Willingness to set aside the judgement machine I'd built over a lifetime......willingness to forgive......willingness to trust that I'll be safe and protected not just from booze but in all areas of life by an all-powerful God who loves me -- those were concepts that took a while to set into my head let-alone my heart. I wish I could say that I'm never guilty of picking those "old" tools back up from time to time, but I still do on occasion. They've been some of the defects / exact-natures that I wasn't really willing to let go of at first. As I became willing to let go, it still took a while to find and practice alternatives that were more in line with the way I wanted to be.

A mentor of mine whom I've learned vooooolumes of things about myself from has an interesting take on step 6. He talks about 1 and 6 being "cousins" much like 2 and 7 being "cousins." "In step 1, I hit bottom with alcohol/drugs......in 6, I hit bottom with my a$$." "In working 6 I see how I STILL haven't reeeeeally conceded to all of 1....and it takes me back to 1 at a deeper level."

I know what it's like Breakaway..... Keep digging....keep pushing onward.....keep exploring.....and keep turning to your HP for help. Sobriety is about getting well right? The further you go into it, the more things you'll notice that are "off" or not where you'd like them to be. That you're noticing things like this is good. It indicates that you're not settling for run-of-the-mill sobriety. While dealing with it isn't fun and usually isn't painless......I applaud you for seeing it and for bringing it up.