Prison, finally
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Join Date: Nov 2011
Posts: 80
Prison, finally
My older brother's been a heroin/other substances addict and dealer for years. He beats his girlfriend and she won't leave him or stop supporting him. They have a 16 month-old, just like me. My mom and grandma always pick up the pieces and give them money/etc. when something happens (my mom is an alcoholic herself) and my dad resents them for it. On Thursday my brother and his girlfriend were arrested for conspiracy to distribute and some other charge---a federal offense. He has had other drug charges in the past and will most likely be spending some time in prison (could be six months, could be ten years)---I don't know about his girlfriend. I live six or seven hours away from the whole family mess and have my own family and life. I have come close to going no-contact several times because of their drama, but now for some reason, this news delights me. Delight is the right word. I feel like my family (the on I grew up with) will finally have time to learn to live without supporting/enabling him and finally get their heads on straight and act like a healthier family. There is one twist---my parents have temporary custody of the baby. My parents have twins who will be eight next month and they've already said they will not take on another child permanently (this means nothing; they always end up doing whatever they "have to" to clean up my brother's mess. I already argued with my husband about it: I want the baby; he says absolutely not, too many strings attached, and we live too far a distance to staighten things out over and over. I now realize it is not an option for me, because it will hurt my marriage. But if the baby goes back to his mother and/or my brother, it is unsafe for him. They are both using.
So here is where I ask for responses: In your experience, what typically happens to the family of enablers when the addict goes to jail? What should I expect? I feel like I will finally be able to go visit my family this summer now that my brother will be out of the picture and we can have fun together and be normal. I miss the twins so so much. Guess I just don't want to get my hopes up.
So here is where I ask for responses: In your experience, what typically happens to the family of enablers when the addict goes to jail? What should I expect? I feel like I will finally be able to go visit my family this summer now that my brother will be out of the picture and we can have fun together and be normal. I miss the twins so so much. Guess I just don't want to get my hopes up.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 213
I dont know about the fun part dont want to burst your bubble, you might find them depressed and sad but then again it all depends if enough time has passed and maybe in that time they will see there wrong doing, but hey not all is lost you get to spend time with them without your addicted brother getting in the way and ruining everything , everyone is different i think youll just have to go with the flow and hope for the best.
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Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: twilight zone,usa
Posts: 3,909
welcome to s.r. i am glad u found us. i do not think u should think about getting the baby if your husband does not want to. what about her family? your parents do not need the child with your mom being an alcoholic. sometimes it is best to let it go to foster care.also even if your brother & wife do go to prison the drama will continue. you are wise staying completely away from it.
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Join Date: Jun 2002
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As someone who has been there, at first it is heart-breaking. But to be honest, after the initial shock/sadness wears off, it brings great relief. This is one time there is nothing that can be done to change things, so there's no need trying - and that's a relief!
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Join Date: Nov 2011
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Thanks everyone.
Yesterday my mom called and said my brother and his girlfriend were both released until the next date, with lots of conditions of course. She sounded scared, manic, and very unfocussed, so I knew it would not be one of our pleasant phone calls. My mom signed papers to be the custodial something to my brother's gf, meaning that she has to be with her at all times (my brother went to my grandpa's house on more severe conditions and has an ankle bracelet). I didn't mention that my parents and the twins were planning a visit here on Friday, before any of this garbage. My mom said, "So we'll have to just bring her with us." I basically said hell no. My mom seemed pretty angry and said I was jealous of my brother and his girlfriend and that I just want to be controlling. Then she mockingly assured me that she doesn't love them more than she loves me. Then she told me I was disappointing a lot of people by canceling the trip (I did not cancel anything; I said a heroin addict could not come). Quack quack quack. I refuse to feel guilty. This isn't my problem.
Yesterday my mom called and said my brother and his girlfriend were both released until the next date, with lots of conditions of course. She sounded scared, manic, and very unfocussed, so I knew it would not be one of our pleasant phone calls. My mom signed papers to be the custodial something to my brother's gf, meaning that she has to be with her at all times (my brother went to my grandpa's house on more severe conditions and has an ankle bracelet). I didn't mention that my parents and the twins were planning a visit here on Friday, before any of this garbage. My mom said, "So we'll have to just bring her with us." I basically said hell no. My mom seemed pretty angry and said I was jealous of my brother and his girlfriend and that I just want to be controlling. Then she mockingly assured me that she doesn't love them more than she loves me. Then she told me I was disappointing a lot of people by canceling the trip (I did not cancel anything; I said a heroin addict could not come). Quack quack quack. I refuse to feel guilty. This isn't my problem.
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Join Date: Mar 2009
Posts: 741
Good for you!
It's your home, your standards, your rules. You get to say who comes and who doesn't and it is nobody else's business but yours.
I really do think that things must be kinda warped for someone to think you might be jealous of a couple of people who use and distribute drugs, abuse/neglect their children, are facing serious jail time and, from your description, act as a parasite on the entire family. Very warped indeed.
It's your home, your standards, your rules. You get to say who comes and who doesn't and it is nobody else's business but yours.
I really do think that things must be kinda warped for someone to think you might be jealous of a couple of people who use and distribute drugs, abuse/neglect their children, are facing serious jail time and, from your description, act as a parasite on the entire family. Very warped indeed.
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: In the South
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Originally Posted by Talltrees 
Thanks everyone.
Yesterday my mom called and said my brother and his girlfriend were both released until the next date, with lots of conditions of course. She sounded scared, manic, and very unfocussed, so I knew it would not be one of our pleasant phone calls. My mom signed papers to be the custodial something to my brother's gf, meaning that she has to be with her at all times (my brother went to my grandpa's house on more severe conditions and has an ankle bracelet). I didn't mention that my parents and the twins were planning a visit here on Friday, before any of this garbage. My mom said, "So we'll have to just bring her with us." I basically said hell no. My mom seemed pretty angry and said I was jealous of my brother and his girlfriend and that I just want to be controlling. Then she mockingly assured me that she doesn't love them more than she loves me. Then she told me I was disappointing a lot of people by canceling the trip (I did not cancel anything; I said a heroin addict could not come). Quack quack quack. I refuse to feel guilty. This isn't my problem.
Yesterday my mom called and said my brother and his girlfriend were both released until the next date, with lots of conditions of course. She sounded scared, manic, and very unfocussed, so I knew it would not be one of our pleasant phone calls. My mom signed papers to be the custodial something to my brother's gf, meaning that she has to be with her at all times (my brother went to my grandpa's house on more severe conditions and has an ankle bracelet). I didn't mention that my parents and the twins were planning a visit here on Friday, before any of this garbage. My mom said, "So we'll have to just bring her with us." I basically said hell no. My mom seemed pretty angry and said I was jealous of my brother and his girlfriend and that I just want to be controlling. Then she mockingly assured me that she doesn't love them more than she loves me. Then she told me I was disappointing a lot of people by canceling the trip (I did not cancel anything; I said a heroin addict could not come). Quack quack quack. I refuse to feel guilty. This isn't my problem.
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
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Originally Posted by Talltrees
So here is where I ask for responses: In your experience, what typically happens to the family of enablers when the addict goes to jail?
Family focus tends to remain on the addict.
Some enabling families put their hard earned money on the prisoner's account to make their stay more pleasant/comfortable.
Some make periodic pilgrimages to the prison to visit.
Some advocate on behalf of their family member for treatment and/or early release/ probabtion.
Some open their doors unconditionally to the prisoner upon release and are amongst the most surprised when the cycle starts all over.
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: In a good place
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I know a lady who, when her addict daughter had to remain in jail, practically adopted her sober addict cellmate when she got out. It's been my observation that codependents in denial will find another willing victim, when their primary obsession is removed. I did it too until I knew better.
As far as your mom is concerned, she's being manipulative and emotionally abusive to you. Her brain is just as hijacked as an addict and I hate that for you! My mom, until recently, was the same way towards me about my sister (not drug related). It stopped when I said no more. My sister and I were no contact for 4 years, and my during that time my mom and I would talk on the phone every couple of months for only a few minutes. It was the best thing I ever did for myself.
As far as your mom is concerned, she's being manipulative and emotionally abusive to you. Her brain is just as hijacked as an addict and I hate that for you! My mom, until recently, was the same way towards me about my sister (not drug related). It stopped when I said no more. My sister and I were no contact for 4 years, and my during that time my mom and I would talk on the phone every couple of months for only a few minutes. It was the best thing I ever did for myself.
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Join Date: Nov 2011
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It is so refreshing to hear from those who understand. I feel like I'm losing my mind whenever my mom starts to get manipulative, so I am very grateful for the reassurance.
Outtolunch, thank you. Being new to the focus on my own recovery, sometimes I get that short-lived happy feeling that everything will change because something big happened. It became very clear to me after the phone call that there is very little hope for her letting go, and your description already sounds exactly like my mom, the way she's devoting her life to my brother's girlfriend already, now that my brother will be doing hard time. She claims that "everyone abandoned [my brother's girlfriend]" (because her dad remarried and won't speak to her anymore). Her sympathy is real, but it certainly is keeping her from seeing the big picture, the pattern. And you're right, there will always be somewhere else to focus the sickness. I know my mom will make visits as often as allowed, send money that she needs for herself, and neglect her job and the rest of the family to "fix" things for my brother. It's enough to make me scream. I hate hate hate this.
Outtolunch, thank you. Being new to the focus on my own recovery, sometimes I get that short-lived happy feeling that everything will change because something big happened. It became very clear to me after the phone call that there is very little hope for her letting go, and your description already sounds exactly like my mom, the way she's devoting her life to my brother's girlfriend already, now that my brother will be doing hard time. She claims that "everyone abandoned [my brother's girlfriend]" (because her dad remarried and won't speak to her anymore). Her sympathy is real, but it certainly is keeping her from seeing the big picture, the pattern. And you're right, there will always be somewhere else to focus the sickness. I know my mom will make visits as often as allowed, send money that she needs for herself, and neglect her job and the rest of the family to "fix" things for my brother. It's enough to make me scream. I hate hate hate this.
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Join Date: Nov 2011
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Chino, the thank you was for you too. For your knowledge and support, and experience. I guess I didn't realize how much further codependency can plow past the primary addict. My real problem is that my mind keeps searching for a solution for them when I need to focus on ME.
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