loudog430

Any advice? I am not trying to rush back into dating, but I was wondering if yall have any tibdits on dating, when it seems 99% of girls I meet drink. I suppose I could jump on eHarmony....but I never had a problem finding a date .....when I drank. Im sure others here would like some input!

(PS Should this be in another forum)

Sapling

How long have you been sober? Or not drinking?

Dee74

Probably not the answer you want, but I always recommend people hold off on the dating.

I'd never spent any time with myself as an adult - I always filled the silence with people or things, or drugs and booze.

Learning to be comfortable with me was a really great thing for me and it helped me be a better partner later on when I was ready to venture forth into dating.

My recovery was a lot better a few months down the track too - the things that worried me in the first weeks didn't worry me later on.

why not spend some time on you and your recovery first loudog?

D

loudog430

I've been battling it back and forth....Im always used to have some female in my life. I guess I need control over a certain sex drive too. You are right though.

ShaneW

Im in similar spot Loudogg. Not 20s, Im 33 but am single guy...and nearly every past GF I met at a party/bar/happy hour etc.

Im guessing, and hoping, that while spending a lot of time away from bars/clubs etc...we will, theoretically, meet women who maybe dont drink, or at least dont spend every wknd in the bar.

Its corny, but when I feel ready in my recovery, Im signing up for a cooking class...haha

Sapling

They actually exist....And not just in cooking classes. I would recommend taking care of your own lives if you are pretty new. My life was a freaken mess when I quit...And I am still working on it. It's hard enough getting your own life together without dragging someone else's into it...I also don't think it's a fair thing to do to someone. What do you really have to offer right now......You haven't been a complete drunk for 20 days? The right one will come along...Get your own house in order...As they say.

NewBeginning010

Oh yeah, I get where you are coming from. I met most of my ex gf's at bars spare a few of them (I think that was a big part of the ex part :-). Just get out there & be active and do the things you enjoy & the right partner will come your way. Of course you have to make sure you are open and take some initiative.

It is a little different meeting people & going through all of the dating motions (and more :-) sober for the first time.... its worth it though.

All of the best in your dating & recovery.

P.S. I also have to say that I agree with Dee in regards to giving it some time to get to know you again & be comfortable with your sobriety.

ibates32

This is how I feel right now. Kind of scary and exciting at the same time! Thanks for the insight

macknacat

strong 'second' to holding off relationship . i had to get comfortable with myself first no doubt... But lots of us [including your truly] just HAVE to see what happens for ourselves . [yeah if i could have listened to reasonable advice/suggestions might not have earned my seat here LOL!]

so- i try to keep in mind: its MY problem. not any one else's. Sure, if they do any mind altering substance so that the veil kinda falls over their eyes- then i'll just keep on looking thanks... My sponsor had me write about what specifically i was looking for in a relationship- that helped me a lot...

many places besides bars and the recovery rooms to look.

"Scary and exciting". like life....like life

SoCalDude

When I'm ready, I plan on attending more church functions. Seems easier to meet the right ones there..

Stryfe

Are there are any Youth AA groups where you live? Where I live in the DC Area, there are several huge youth AA meetings that occur every week. There are literally tons of girls at these meetings in which 400 people show up every Thursday, Friday, Saturday and Sunday. There are young people who go to meetings every day too.

You don't have to meet a girl in the program. Try meeting a girl in an average every day setting like a college campus or a library. It took me years to figure out that the bar scene was shallow and lead to me going home drunk by myself every time. The times you do go home with a drunk stranger, you will regret deeply in the morning. Most people drink only once in a blue moon and don't drink on a regular basis. I know many people in the program who are married to non-alcoholics. You just have to make it clear to the girl that you don't drink. If she makes a fuss about this, she isn't worth your time because that is something petty. There are also lots of people who aren't alcoholics who have never had a drink in their lives. There is someone for everyone, alcoholic or not.

Nirvana1

I waited until 10 months sober before I started dating my current gf, and even that was too soon in hindsight. All I can say is that I was looking to date soon after getting sober, and every month that went by, I was glad that I waited. My wants and needs changed so much based on finding out who I really was and I never would have been able to take a good hard look at myself if I would have started dating sooner. Dating is really hard anyways, but even harder when you have to deal with the added stress newly sober. I'm at almost 15 months sober and I still have a long way to go with the ups and downs of sobriety.

loudog430

Great advice y'all! Youth AA...I will look into that. I am currently buckled down with buying my first house, workings tons to save up for it, cleaning up a frequently broken up relationship (along with organizing the friends in the mess of it), hopefully calming down after some family issues, and scheduling some new education and classes next fall.....so yes, I have a lot on my plate, mostly good stuff, but I definitely don't have girlfriend time or even dating. (saving for a house = no dates)

wichitaks

Im sort of in the same boat... Not sure where to meet girls as bars/parties were the main places I met women the last 10 years.... I do know that the 2 most fulfilling relationships I had were girls I met at school while completely sober... which I later ruined with drinking... So that gives me hope of finding another lasting relationship and not destroying it with booze...lol Good luck to you in your recovery and if you find a place with some hot sober chicks let me know

MustStop

I gave up booze 25 days ago and went through a break-up a month ago. I just got home from a date an hour ago. WAY TOO SOON! LOL.

There was no chemistry or anything but while she was talking I am sitting there thinking, this girl has NO clue what I've just been through and continue to go through and it would be SO wrong to include her in my mess right now.

To my defense she asked and I said sure, but that still didn't make it a good idea by any means.