If they don't take any action do we do it for them?
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Join Date: Aug 2008
Posts: 37
If they don't take any action do we do it for them?
I know our As are supposed to want change for themselves-waiting until life is too unbearable and they don't want to be like that anymore-but suppose they don't show many signs of doing that?
Do we have to do it all for them ? I had a terrible day yesterday with him and thought things were ok today. He was sober when I got up and apologised profusefly (Im suc a sucker and give him another chance all the time) I went to a friend's house for tea, for about an hour this morning and by the time I came back he was absolutely legless. After all the promises! Plus I checked my stash of credit cards that I keep hidden in my bedroom and two were missing. I confronted him and he gave them back, but I think he bought vodka with them..
He is 23 and so many of the places he's supposed to be calling won't talk to me, because he's an adult, but I get the feeling he doesn't really want to change. Wants to die. Wants to be on the streets. Wants to steal and beg for money for liquor (he did this last night when I refused to give him money) and wants to be a male prostitute because it pays well.
He has mental issues (diagnosed bipolar, but I think it's more Borderline personality disorder, or sociopathy or narcissism. Can't afford a psychiatrist and I think the county is our last hope. But he doesn't want to make any effort. He says he's gonna call (he doesn't work or hace any source of income-that's why he steals from he) but then gets drunk and incapable.
My house is being foreclosed soon. Do I have to accept that he lives on the streets? What happened to my beautiful child? Is he just a born criminal? I accept that, but DON'T DO IT IN MY HOUSE or MY PRESENCE!!! I have earned the right to a peaceful life....
Do I try to keep on looking for places like rehabs, sober houses, etc. Or do I leave it up to him? His brother is moving in with a friend in another state and I have a place lined up. He can't live with me because I can't stand it and I am in danger (he has hit me before and is very aggressive to me when he drinks).
Or do I have to wait for him to be so desperate that he will find the help himself?
Do we have to do it all for them ? I had a terrible day yesterday with him and thought things were ok today. He was sober when I got up and apologised profusefly (Im suc a sucker and give him another chance all the time) I went to a friend's house for tea, for about an hour this morning and by the time I came back he was absolutely legless. After all the promises! Plus I checked my stash of credit cards that I keep hidden in my bedroom and two were missing. I confronted him and he gave them back, but I think he bought vodka with them..
He is 23 and so many of the places he's supposed to be calling won't talk to me, because he's an adult, but I get the feeling he doesn't really want to change. Wants to die. Wants to be on the streets. Wants to steal and beg for money for liquor (he did this last night when I refused to give him money) and wants to be a male prostitute because it pays well.
He has mental issues (diagnosed bipolar, but I think it's more Borderline personality disorder, or sociopathy or narcissism. Can't afford a psychiatrist and I think the county is our last hope. But he doesn't want to make any effort. He says he's gonna call (he doesn't work or hace any source of income-that's why he steals from he) but then gets drunk and incapable.
My house is being foreclosed soon. Do I have to accept that he lives on the streets? What happened to my beautiful child? Is he just a born criminal? I accept that, but DON'T DO IT IN MY HOUSE or MY PRESENCE!!! I have earned the right to a peaceful life....
Do I try to keep on looking for places like rehabs, sober houses, etc. Or do I leave it up to him? His brother is moving in with a friend in another state and I have a place lined up. He can't live with me because I can't stand it and I am in danger (he has hit me before and is very aggressive to me when he drinks).
Or do I have to wait for him to be so desperate that he will find the help himself?
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Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: USA
Posts: 3,095
I have been in your shoes and thought and wondered all the same things...
What I found (just my experience- not that it is universal) is that nothing I did or did not do made xAH want to get help or made him better or worse.
I finally just decided that I had to worry first and foremost about my children and I and let his chips fall where they may.
You HAVE earned a right to a peaceful life. You never had to earn it. It's a given. Everyone deserves it. Being with an A is not compatible with a peaceful life (IMO). Going to al anon, working one's own program-- all of that... none of that made for a peaceful life. The only peace I found was when xAH left. He was not a cooperative member of this family, he was lazy, selfish and abusive. The promises like with your partner were always there and hours or days later they'd be forgotten and all the same behaviors would come back.
Protect yourself and your child is all the advice I have to give.
What I found (just my experience- not that it is universal) is that nothing I did or did not do made xAH want to get help or made him better or worse.
I finally just decided that I had to worry first and foremost about my children and I and let his chips fall where they may.
You HAVE earned a right to a peaceful life. You never had to earn it. It's a given. Everyone deserves it. Being with an A is not compatible with a peaceful life (IMO). Going to al anon, working one's own program-- all of that... none of that made for a peaceful life. The only peace I found was when xAH left. He was not a cooperative member of this family, he was lazy, selfish and abusive. The promises like with your partner were always there and hours or days later they'd be forgotten and all the same behaviors would come back.
Protect yourself and your child is all the advice I have to give.
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,910
Enabling is doing for someone something they can do for themselves. The fact that he WON'T doesn't mean he can't. He doesn't want to, so he doesn't. You posted yesterday, or the day before, that you were afraid of him because he has been violent with you before. At that time, many of us suggested you contact a domestic violence center. They can get you some place safe and help you work with the police to get him out of your home. You do not have to live like that, but you don't seem to be too anxious to do anything about it. I'm not sure what else we can suggest. If nothing changes, then nothing is going to change.
It's time to stop looking at him as your son and start looking at him for what he is. An abusive alcoholic who is using you and continues to do so because you let him. There is help available for you, but you have to be willing to make the call.
It's time to stop looking at him as your son and start looking at him for what he is. An abusive alcoholic who is using you and continues to do so because you let him. There is help available for you, but you have to be willing to make the call.
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Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: USA
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Oh I totally mis read your post-- I didn't realize he is your son.... I thought you were writing that he was your significant other and together you had a child... Wow-- totally misread that! So sorry! My post must make no sense...
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Join Date: Aug 2008
Posts: 37
No, wtbh, your post still makes sense. Thanks for that.
ANd suki I do agree with you. Last time I called the domestic violence hotline, I was just told to call the police and Ive done that so many times before. One time the cop sat with me for an hour and gave me all sorts of assurances that he would be jailed and there'd be a bond hearing and he'd be detained. He was kept overnight at the police station and released the next day. I totally take your point, tho. in January I had him arrested and the states attorney said they'd keep him in for observation and transfer him to a rehab. The next day he was released and the public defender said the jail doesn't have those kinds of resources. So I'm a little burned-but recognise the failing in myself that I am not doing as much as I can . I guess I know he's crazy and don't know if I can cope with the unhappy ending. My brother was a schizophrenic so history is repeating itself and it's VERY hard and seems VERY unfair. I'm still waiting for his penny to drop. Maybe it's not ever going to and I need to do some processing to get to a safe place. Hope that makes sense. Thanks for the replies...
ANd suki I do agree with you. Last time I called the domestic violence hotline, I was just told to call the police and Ive done that so many times before. One time the cop sat with me for an hour and gave me all sorts of assurances that he would be jailed and there'd be a bond hearing and he'd be detained. He was kept overnight at the police station and released the next day. I totally take your point, tho. in January I had him arrested and the states attorney said they'd keep him in for observation and transfer him to a rehab. The next day he was released and the public defender said the jail doesn't have those kinds of resources. So I'm a little burned-but recognise the failing in myself that I am not doing as much as I can . I guess I know he's crazy and don't know if I can cope with the unhappy ending. My brother was a schizophrenic so history is repeating itself and it's VERY hard and seems VERY unfair. I'm still waiting for his penny to drop. Maybe it's not ever going to and I need to do some processing to get to a safe place. Hope that makes sense. Thanks for the replies...
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Join Date: Oct 2011
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I feel for you so much. I wish I had something to offer you (I do not have kids and all that much experience with addiction).
I have watched my ABF's family struggle with this. My BF is an A, his father is. Very difficult to watch is the situation with ABF's 30-year-old cousin ... he got a DWI in the last few months and was hospitalized over Thanksgiving (in the VA -- scary, sad place. He was in a room with three other men. Very little privacy, gloomy -- still better than prison, I suppose) for drinking-related pancreas issues and told he wouldn't live to 40 if he continues. He swore he was off drinking forever. He is right back to drinking as much if not more as before -- still living with his mom, no job, no way to get around (how is he getting the alcohol? Not quite sure, unless his mom is providing. She's a nurse who really seems to want him to stop though?). Nobody knows what to do with him. And so his self-destruction continues.
You are in my prayers.
I have watched my ABF's family struggle with this. My BF is an A, his father is. Very difficult to watch is the situation with ABF's 30-year-old cousin ... he got a DWI in the last few months and was hospitalized over Thanksgiving (in the VA -- scary, sad place. He was in a room with three other men. Very little privacy, gloomy -- still better than prison, I suppose) for drinking-related pancreas issues and told he wouldn't live to 40 if he continues. He swore he was off drinking forever. He is right back to drinking as much if not more as before -- still living with his mom, no job, no way to get around (how is he getting the alcohol? Not quite sure, unless his mom is providing. She's a nurse who really seems to want him to stop though?). Nobody knows what to do with him. And so his self-destruction continues.
You are in my prayers.
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Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
(((blackgnat))) - my heart hurts for you. I put my dad through a lot of the same stuff, though there was never violence or stealing. He did have to accept that I was living on the streets, prostituting myself for drugs. He cried, he begged to put me in rehab but I was adamant..I wasn't going to stop until I was damned good and ready.
Luckily, enough street time, jail time, getting nearly killed..all that stuff got to be too much and I chose recovery. My dad has buried a baby brother (okay, he was 50 but he was still the baby) and a nephew (my cousin) for complications caused by drugs. My uncle died when before I spun into addiction, my cousin just a few months ago, and though I'm grateful I could be there for my dad during those times, there were other things that happened, and I was in my own little word.
One thing that helped me further my decision to choose recovery was seeing my family go on with their lives. Sure, I was still breaking their hearts, but babies were born, my niece was growing up (dad/stepmom raised her) and I realized "wow, I wanna be part of their lives again". There was no way I COULD be if I wasn't in recovery.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
Luckily, enough street time, jail time, getting nearly killed..all that stuff got to be too much and I chose recovery. My dad has buried a baby brother (okay, he was 50 but he was still the baby) and a nephew (my cousin) for complications caused by drugs. My uncle died when before I spun into addiction, my cousin just a few months ago, and though I'm grateful I could be there for my dad during those times, there were other things that happened, and I was in my own little word.
One thing that helped me further my decision to choose recovery was seeing my family go on with their lives. Sure, I was still breaking their hearts, but babies were born, my niece was growing up (dad/stepmom raised her) and I realized "wow, I wanna be part of their lives again". There was no way I COULD be if I wasn't in recovery.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
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