Recovering1984

My life as an alcoholic. It started out when I was about twelve. Started conditioning myself for years full of drinking. Heavily drinking. My first drink I would have to say would be my twelfth birthday. My Best friend and I had birthdays very close together, in return we did everything together. Every birthday in school we hung out and got annihilated together. I was twelve and we were at another friends house, we snuck into his neighbors basement and stole a bottle of Liquor. All 3 of us got trashed, ended up passing out in the snow for a little while. We all thought we were so cool. Everyone in our gang would always boast about who got messed up the worst. The booze was easy to get little by little. It buzz that we all felt ended up becoming more and more needed in my case. We all started experimenting with drugs, starting with marijuana. The high was like no other but it got old also, so I would always be looking for more of a buzz. The more I smoked the higher I got. Eventually I just smoked just to smoke. Smoking weed was like smoking cigarettes. Just light it up whenever and where ever. So during all this I was playing baseball for the school. When 7th grade hit I stopped playing sports and just started to become the druggy that I was. I stopped paying attention in school so much and started getting into trouble. I thought it was all cool, maybe because most of the time I was mentally distracted or influenced by something else that I thought everything was funny. So years go by and the drugs are getting worse. I graduated highschool and did not do anything with my life. Moved into Lockport. My roommate was into coke. Well naturally I tried it. My mind being so dependent on chemicals at this point in life I was instantly hooked on it. Then this lead to acid and ecstasy. The more higher I could get the better. Bills were being unpaid family and friends was being ignored. My friends started getting arrested for drugs and alcohol driving under the influence etc. I new for sure I was next. My friends at the time from work was Jon and Kristen. Kristen was older and was able to buy beer for me. Six pack red dawgs 16 oz cans I went through almost daily. I didnt have money for it but Kristen and I would always find money for it. Jon would always leave and Kristen and I would be left at my place alone. Next thing that happens was it was on a regular basis. Then she ended up pregnant........ Me knowing who and what I was at the time new I needed to get help. I joined the military. They straightened me out for a little bit. Except when I was in tech school we were at a party in a local hotel. Me drunk as hell, turned and went and asked a Mexican where his LOWRIDA" is. Not something I should be saying to someone that is three times the size of me. I got Jumped that night. Me running my mouth like usual when I am drinking. Also I got drunk and fell asleep in someones room. Got caught for underage drinking. Article 15 and lost a stripe. When I got back I was good, clean and straight for awhile, Felt as though my life was getting on track. Well I met new friends that was older and could buy me beer. Ding Ding Ding something should of went off in my head about it but never did. I was hooked with these people. Dray and I would be drunk every night. If it was not with Dray it was with Rick. Rick and I would be drunk all the time. We once drank a 30 pack by ourselves and then went to go get another. This was after we scrounged up enough money to get it. Yes we new exactly how much a 3 pack was down to the last cent. We went to go get it, I was driving my unregistered uninsured mazda in the rain. Thought I was cool, speeding through the park. Until I lost control and wrapped the car around a tree. Thankfully no one was hurt. We left the car there, and went back to my house. I called my Mom drunk as hell explaining what happened and what I did. She handled it. I had to go into the state troopers office a few days later and get yelled at. The officer new what happened and new that I new what happened. But I lied to cover my drunk self. Turns out my Mom had have done the before. My Father has done this a few times I guess. Knowing what I new at this point in my life I new I was turning into my father. So after that I had to try and change. Nope that did not happen. But I did meet someone, I met my future wife. Jessica was her name. She worked in Layaway at walmart. Also her boyfriend worked at walmart too. That did not stop me I wanted to get to know her more. So her knowing about me and my story, still talked to me. Well she came over and watched a movie. Stayed the night. We however did not have sex. I was taking it slow with her. I liked her alot and did not want to treat her like the other girls I have been with. So the next day. We hung out again, me still wanting to take it slow her jumping into the bedroom. I told her to that I did want to take it slow but we kissed and she said lets go. She never left after that night. I had a girlfriend, one that I wanted to keep. We did not know each other very much but we just kind of jumped into living together very quickly. Like the second date. She new I drank alot and still stayed with me. During all this she got pregnant. The day I found out she was pregnant was the same day I found out about Jorden. My son that I had with kristen the results came back and he was mine. I never denied it. Nor did I choose not to submit it in court. It was a option to not submit it. He is mine and I will take care of what is mine. So as she is pregnant I was drinking and drinking. We fought here and there as per course. Me the selfish person I was when Jessica wanted something from the store what or where was I? At the bar or with my friends getting drunk. What have I been doing with my life... My life has been surrounded by alcohol. By now you can see that nothing else mattered except for that beer. Beer has taken my life. I have been fighting with it my whole life. So Jessica my wife became distant and more and more distant. Then she started going to school. Me being the selfish person that I am thought it was her way of getting away from me. We never really talked we never really spent time together. It was I went to work, she went to school. I would get home from work she will already be there. When I got home she went and studied and I was left with our kids. I felt so alone but I think now I know how she felt. She felt alone our whole marriage. I was never there for her. When I felt like this I wanted to drink and drank is what I did. I also found someone to talk to well I was drinking. Also she would always buy me beer. No matter what day it was she would always buy me beer. I was hooked someone that didnt yell at me and bought me beer. I was thinking with my addiction and my d***. Not my heart and my head. This went on until my wife found out about it. Then it stopped. The affair stopped. I wanted nothing more then to make it work with the wife and I. I thought that 2 weeks of not drinking would be enough and she did not change one bit. The depression the anger the embarrassment of what I went through I started to drink again. It didnt stop. Only this time it was worse. More and more is what I needed to ease the addiction and ease all the other feelings I have been going through. This went on for a month or two until 1 day I snapped Jessica went out with a girl and two other guys. I was stoned drunk and emptied her driver side tires on her car. After which I thought about why I would of actually did that. I wanted her to want or need me again. I wanted to feel like she needed me. It did not happen. She kicked me out and this is when everything spiraled out of control. I was drunk drunk and more drunk. Between the depression anger and addiction I was in bad shape. I was in and out of AA going when I thought I needed it and then stopping when I started drinking again. This went on for months. Putting my life in the hands of alcohol. I told myself something NEEDED to change. I was out of control and nothing could help. So I decided I was going to go on a deployment. This would help me. Their was no deployments. So I starting looking into the switching into the Army. I had everything worked out to switch over Then I told my commander that he could find me a deployment or sign this paperwork. Two hours later he found me a deployment to go to Kuwait. This deployment was for 6 months. This was a godsend. Kuwait is a dry country. No booze at all. This deployment has saved my life. If I didnt go on this deployment the alcohol would of taken my life. I am forever grateful of this deployment.
Although it may have ended it with My wife and I, it still was the best thing for me. She thinks I did this to hurt her, When in fact it was to save my life and the life of my kids Father. I was going to end up giving my kids the life I had. A life without their Father. My father is a different story which to make a long story short. I will not give up on my children for a beer no longer. I love my kids just like I love my wife. One day I hope she realizes that I did this to save myself. Oct 17th in Germany was my last beer. I plan on keeping it that way. Everyday I come across myself smiling in the mirror because of it.

OCDDan

Great chronology of your usage! I wouldn't have read anything that long except i too stated at 12 years old, (25 years apart tho) and that was in your first sentence. congratulations on almost 4 months! sounds like you'll make it if you want to..

Hevyn

Welcome Recovering1984 - Thank you for telling your story. SR is a great place to share what we've been through, and plan for brighter future.

I'm sorry that - from an early age - things became complicated and out of control for you. As you said, "Beer took my life". You now know that you can't touch it, or things will go off course again. Some people never learn that lesson. I was twice your age when I finally got it. I'm glad you are finally giving yourself chance to grow into the person you were meant to be. You will be there for your family - they'll only know a sober dad, not the one who made poor decisions and did risky things.

Congratuations on your almost 4 months! Keep going, stay strong - we are glad you're with us.

Dee74

Welcome to SR, recovery

D

artsoul

Welcome, recovering - I know what you mean about being able to smile in the mirror..... Congratulations on your sobriety!