Please read my story.. Is there life after drugs?
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Join Date: Dec 2011
Posts: 6
Please read my story.. Is there life after drugs?
I have been dating my boyfriend for about a year now. When we first met, he told me he used to abuse drugs(OXY) for two years but is now 100% sober. Of course i believed him.. why would he lie? To begin, I never knew anyone who had an addiction to drugs, i was very naive about the whole thing. So as our relationship progressed I fell madly in love with this man. We had a relationship, I thought only existed in fairy tales, even my friends would get jealous. It was so wonderful, he treated me with such respect and love and made me feel so special. I knew he was the one, and we always spoke about our future together. Then, I started noticing changes, he randomly became hyper or had glassy eyes and started nodding off/eyes rolling. I confronted him and he always made me out to be the bad guy- he knew how to manipulate me real well. Then about two months ago, I caught him snorting drugs. I was limp and numb, and couldn't believe my eyes. He pleaded and cried and admitted that he was lying to me our entire relationship and was never off the drugs. He said he will stop and never touch that **** ever again, if I give him one more chance. Being an idiot, i agreed and was so supportive and loving and I actually felt bad for him. I learned that, he basically robbed his whole family for money and pawned everything they had in the house. None of us including his family understand addiction, we thought this can just "go away".He said he doesn't need rehab and can do it on him own. Then a few weeks ago, I found roxys in his pockets and he admitted hed been using for a few days and made fraud checks under his moms name and robbed his family AGAIN. I should have left after this time, but i didn't. I thought, how can I leave him? I love him, he means the world to me.. Hes going to kill himself and Im just going to leave him?.. So i decided to stay again and he cried and pleaded " baby please give me one more chance, i love you, I can't do this without you" he promised he was going to rehab and was signed up to go in a week for 30 day treatment, I was happy and so was his whole family. Yesterday, got the news detectives came to his house at night while he was sleeping and took him away. Found out, he robbed 10 houses in the neighborhood, including his aunts house, however, he wasn't very successful with the break-ins.. They caught him on camera and found his DNA. So here I am, hes awaiting trial for attempted robbery.. maybe he will go to jail or the court orders him to rehab. Guys, I am not stupid, I know I am ******* insane for even thinking of staying with him.. but not just now, after he goes to rehab and I see that he has changed. im brainwashed, I love him, he was the best thing that ever happened to me. Please help. Is there a chance hell fully recover
Member
Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 6
You are not brainwashed. You are codependent. I know this because I am too. It makes us do some crazy things.
Try and read as much as you can about codependency. I have really enjoyed the posts by Cynical One - very honest portrayal of what codependency is.
Try and read as much as you can about codependency. I have really enjoyed the posts by Cynical One - very honest portrayal of what codependency is.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
(((support4life))) - you are not stupid or insane - you are codependent. I am too, as well as a recovering addict (RA) - been in recovery for both for almost 5 years, and have to say...the addiction recovery has been easier than the codie one.
I do hope you read through the "stickies" - posts at the top of the forum and through some other threads. I did that when I first came here and realized I was not along - that in itself was a HUGE relief. I also realized there's no easy fix, and the only person we can change is ourselves.
I've never been in prison, but spent a few times in jail. That didn't stop me. I didn't do rehab (crack is my DOC - drug of choice) but it was offered and I knew, deep down, I didn't want it. I'm not saying it doesn't work, I'm just saying that until I was DONE, sick and tired of consequences on top of consequences, had lost my career and a lot of other stuff, I wasn't going to seek recovery.
I'm one month short of 5 months in recovery. What got me there? My loved ones allowed me to deal with my consequences. My dad did bail me out once, but that was it. When I relapsed, I was still on probation and he threatened to call my PO and I WOULD go to prison. That still wasn't enough...a few more things had to happen before I even entertained the thought of recovery.
On the codie side, I had to leave my last bf because he had no intention of quitting crack. He died a couple years ago and I know, without one doubt in my heart/head that I couldn't prevent it. I was an RN (the career I lost)..I could have BEEN right beside him, but I could not have MADE him go to the dr. because I thought he had pneumonia (his cause of death)...smoking crack was more important than anything.
My stepmom and a few other loved ones are addicts (A's). Many are also raging codies. It's by the experience, strength and hope (ES&H) that I've gotten here that I've come to accept I can't change them. I have to take care of me, first and foremost. I can love them, with all my heart, but that isn't going to change their actions.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
I do hope you read through the "stickies" - posts at the top of the forum and through some other threads. I did that when I first came here and realized I was not along - that in itself was a HUGE relief. I also realized there's no easy fix, and the only person we can change is ourselves.
I've never been in prison, but spent a few times in jail. That didn't stop me. I didn't do rehab (crack is my DOC - drug of choice) but it was offered and I knew, deep down, I didn't want it. I'm not saying it doesn't work, I'm just saying that until I was DONE, sick and tired of consequences on top of consequences, had lost my career and a lot of other stuff, I wasn't going to seek recovery.
I'm one month short of 5 months in recovery. What got me there? My loved ones allowed me to deal with my consequences. My dad did bail me out once, but that was it. When I relapsed, I was still on probation and he threatened to call my PO and I WOULD go to prison. That still wasn't enough...a few more things had to happen before I even entertained the thought of recovery.
On the codie side, I had to leave my last bf because he had no intention of quitting crack. He died a couple years ago and I know, without one doubt in my heart/head that I couldn't prevent it. I was an RN (the career I lost)..I could have BEEN right beside him, but I could not have MADE him go to the dr. because I thought he had pneumonia (his cause of death)...smoking crack was more important than anything.
My stepmom and a few other loved ones are addicts (A's). Many are also raging codies. It's by the experience, strength and hope (ES&H) that I've gotten here that I've come to accept I can't change them. I have to take care of me, first and foremost. I can love them, with all my heart, but that isn't going to change their actions.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: In a good place
Posts: 4,482
There's a chance he'll recover, if he wants it bad enough to work at it every day for the rest of his life.
You fell in love with an illusion, since he was under the influence the entire time. There's no telling who he really is and he doesn't even know. It will take at least a year for his brain to heal, and it might not heal completely; there are no guarantees. On top of that, he has a tremendous amount of internal work to do. He has to change everything about himself that lead and sustained his addiction. He has a lot of negative learned behaviors and thought processes to shed, while acquiring healthier ones.
A different question to ask: "is there a chance I'll fully recover?"
When I discovered my daughter's addiction, I did not have strong personal boundaries. I ended up not only tolerating it by my actions, but I also contributed to her addiction by not saying "NO! You have to go, I won't support this!"
It's taken a few years, but I've recovered from the damage to myself, that I allowed to happen.
im brainwashed, I love him, he was the best thing that ever happened to me.
A different question to ask: "is there a chance I'll fully recover?"
When I discovered my daughter's addiction, I did not have strong personal boundaries. I ended up not only tolerating it by my actions, but I also contributed to her addiction by not saying "NO! You have to go, I won't support this!"
It's taken a few years, but I've recovered from the damage to myself, that I allowed to happen.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 445
If he wants it, and is willing to work hard at it - then of course there is hope for a full recovery. Just there is no way to predict how difficult his journey will be.
Regarding the criminal charges; is it just attempted on 1 ?
What about the other 9 ?
If he is being charged with more than the one, then they may not go so easy on him; rehab/probation.
So sorry your going through this....How are you doing?
Regarding the criminal charges; is it just attempted on 1 ?
What about the other 9 ?
If he is being charged with more than the one, then they may not go so easy on him; rehab/probation.
So sorry your going through this....How are you doing?
Member
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Land of Cotton
Posts: 3,433
Wow-- I think I'd be most upset by the fact that this guy is a chronic liar and a criminal and that he's not the guy I thought he was AT ALL. Please don't lose sight of these serious character defects. Dont make excuses for his choices. You deserve so much more...we all do.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 1,384
This is the time to look at his actions, not his words. He stated that he wanted to go to rehab and get better. However, he broke into houses to get money for drugs. So, his actions are that he wants to continue on drugs. Even if he has court-ordered rehab, it doesn't mean he will stay clean afterward. It is more than just that he has to stay off the drugs. He also has to work to make his life better so that he can live without doing the drugs.
Of course, it is possible for him to be clean. However, it is his choice and it is up to him to do the work. You can't love him so much that he will get clean. I know because my mom is an addict, and I love her very much. It wasn't love that got my RABF clean. He has been clean for over 2 years due to his hard work at recovery.
Have you read Codependent No More? It might help you realize that you aren't crazy. You have had a relationship with an active addict, which can cause you to feel like you are losing your mind.
Of course, it is possible for him to be clean. However, it is his choice and it is up to him to do the work. You can't love him so much that he will get clean. I know because my mom is an addict, and I love her very much. It wasn't love that got my RABF clean. He has been clean for over 2 years due to his hard work at recovery.
Have you read Codependent No More? It might help you realize that you aren't crazy. You have had a relationship with an active addict, which can cause you to feel like you are losing your mind.
Curmudgeon, Electrical Engineer, Guitar God Wannabe
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Where the mighty arms of Atlas hold the heavens from the Earth
Posts: 3,403
Is there life after drugs? For who? For you, or for you and your boyfriend?
Last March, my AGF orally ingested the contents of a Fentanyl patch. Almost died, too. And I was thisclose to leaving her. But she begged, and pleaded, and promised to get better. And since I loved her, I believed her. So I stayed.
Eleven months later, my AGF is now my AXGF. I have learned that addicts lie through their teeth. They will say anything to get what they want. And I've learned that just because the addict hasn't picked up doesn't mean they're in recovery.
I share this story as a cautionary tale about hitching your wagon to an addict.
Do I believe they is a life after drugs for you? Absolutely. But, like all of us here, you have to work really, really hard at examining your codependent behaviors. A positive first step would be to find a local Nar Anon or Al Anon meeting. Go in with your ears wide open. I cannot tell you whether you should stay with him. You have to make that judgement yourself. But in making that judgement, you need to know what it is your dealing with. And you have to learn more about yourself. Some of us have been able to detach from our addicts with love and find happiness. And some of us have been severely burned by our addicts and we detach with extreme prejudice.
In my case, what I'm most thankful for is the people in my life that have supported me while I was going through my own hell watching someone I loved struggle. To me, that's a blessing. I've made a decision that I can have a better life without my AXGF. The weeks are up and down, but I take solace in the fact that I alone am responsible for my happiness. So, I'm healing, I'm still in program, and I'm looking at this as a opportunity for growth.
My hope for you is to do your best, most honest thinking and decide what is best for you.
God Bless,
ZoSo
Last March, my AGF orally ingested the contents of a Fentanyl patch. Almost died, too. And I was thisclose to leaving her. But she begged, and pleaded, and promised to get better. And since I loved her, I believed her. So I stayed.
Eleven months later, my AGF is now my AXGF. I have learned that addicts lie through their teeth. They will say anything to get what they want. And I've learned that just because the addict hasn't picked up doesn't mean they're in recovery.
I share this story as a cautionary tale about hitching your wagon to an addict.
Do I believe they is a life after drugs for you? Absolutely. But, like all of us here, you have to work really, really hard at examining your codependent behaviors. A positive first step would be to find a local Nar Anon or Al Anon meeting. Go in with your ears wide open. I cannot tell you whether you should stay with him. You have to make that judgement yourself. But in making that judgement, you need to know what it is your dealing with. And you have to learn more about yourself. Some of us have been able to detach from our addicts with love and find happiness. And some of us have been severely burned by our addicts and we detach with extreme prejudice.
In my case, what I'm most thankful for is the people in my life that have supported me while I was going through my own hell watching someone I loved struggle. To me, that's a blessing. I've made a decision that I can have a better life without my AXGF. The weeks are up and down, but I take solace in the fact that I alone am responsible for my happiness. So, I'm healing, I'm still in program, and I'm looking at this as a opportunity for growth.
My hope for you is to do your best, most honest thinking and decide what is best for you.
God Bless,
ZoSo
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: St. Louis, Mo. USA
Posts: 265
Is there life after drugs, for some yes but sadly for some no. An addict ends up in one of three places ; DEAD, In prison, or in recovery ( but Recover for life)
Through Nar-anon I have found my own recovery and freedom. Seek help for you and you will learn not to be controlled by the A.
"When you change the way you look at things... the things you look at change". Wayne Dyer
Through Nar-anon I have found my own recovery and freedom. Seek help for you and you will learn not to be controlled by the A.
"When you change the way you look at things... the things you look at change". Wayne Dyer
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
We all love the addicts in our lives. If love could cur addiction, none of us would be here.
Should you have hope? I do but my hope won't get my son sober either. Should you stay with this man? That's entirely up to you. Only you can decide what you'll put up with. Can he get sober? That's entirely up to him.
Stick around. Get support. Read. Learn. Post. Vent. Ask questions. You are not alone.
gentle hugs
ke
Should you have hope? I do but my hope won't get my son sober either. Should you stay with this man? That's entirely up to you. Only you can decide what you'll put up with. Can he get sober? That's entirely up to him.
Stick around. Get support. Read. Learn. Post. Vent. Ask questions. You are not alone.
gentle hugs
ke
Member
Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 5
I'm so sorry you have become embroiled in this hell. Just like everyone else here I'm dealing with an addict, my son who was once a brilliant student in college and one of my best friends but as the Oxycoton (his DOC) took hold it put our lives in a unimaginable hell that only family members experience. Lies, manipulation, stealing and now for me, the emotional havoc of breaking the co-dependent cycle. At the risk of sounding uncompassionate I would say, RUN don't walk away from this individual as fast as you can. I know it doesn't make the pain any easier but consider it a blessing from God that you don't have years of your life invested in this man. Life is to short and you will find someone more deserving of your love.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 598
I don't see where your boyfriend is making any real effort to recover. It's a lot of work to recover. Personally, I think he needs to battle this on his own without taking you along with him for the ride. If he winds up doing all the necessary things to leave his addiction behind, then perhaps you can give him another chance--but not until he has some time and recovery under his belt. Don't go with only his words of assurance that this time will be different. Make him prove this time is different. Words are cheap.
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