What I've learned....
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: Portland OR
Posts: 280
What I've learned....
Hello friends;
I've been MIA for a few weeks, but thought I'd pop in and catch up.
My AH drove away one day, after a year of escalating drama, overdose, craziness, lying and all that comes with alcoholism to relapse completely after a 13 year non-drinking period. I don't say recovery, because the first thing I learned is that there is a HUGE difference between not drinking and recovery. He was diagnosed and went into rehab early in his 20s...now in his early 50's.
So what have I learned? Oh, so much. I learned about the disease. My suspicions about what was happening became very much clarified by just learning about the disease. "Under the Influence" and "Beyond the Influence'" just hugely helpful.
I learned that Al Anon is a life-affirming, loving, accepting, healing place and I'll be an Al Anon supporter till I die. I could have never arrived at the peace of mind I have today, without them. My journey has been short, chronologically....he left just in Sept. Now in Feb, I still have grief, but under it all I'm at peace with what is. I have Al Anon, my therapist, my dear friends and a strong spiritual connection to thank for that.
I learned who my real friends really are. Combined with the collapse of my marriage, I had two serious, unexpected surgeries ....all three events right on top of each other. My friends were here, brought me food, took me to the hospital, called me, and cared for me in a million ways. I'm forever changed by their kindness.
I learned where my real core was: the very week he relapsed, I said in a quiet and loving way: "I will support you any possible way you choose to pursue recovery, but be clear: if you do not choose to recover, you cannot be here". He took option two...left that very day, and never looked back. The weeks and weeks of hysterical crying and a grief that I felt at times would swallow me whole left me exhausted, in disbelief, in shock. But I did the right thing for me. I'm so proud of myself I had the strength to do it....that disease would have destroyed me as surely as it is destroying him.
I learned how to walk through the detachment process, one minute at a time. One of the toughest things I've ever done....but do it, I did. I sought the help of a counselor, and combined with Al Anon, found myself in all of it. Right to this very day as he tries to destroy me financially in the divorce, I'll let my attorney fight that battle, and still look upon him with compassion. I have no contact with him...a clear boundary to protect myself from crazy. I cannot imagine what it must feel like in his skin: he's lost his home, his relationship (I'm the only woman who has ever loved him completely, and was his only wife), his beloved pets, his job is in jeopardy, he's lost his friends and his reputation. Literally everything. My heart aches to imagine his pain and suffering, right along side of being clear as a bell, his pain is not mine, his choices are not mine, his loss is not mine, his life is not mine. It is hard to describe this rare combination of profound grief, compassion, rage and detachment, but by God's grace...I am there. I know after the legal process is over, I'm on with my life and frankly am just pretty peaceful about it.
I've been changed by this. Learned a great deal about myself, but also learned I will never, ever, ever, be in a personal relationship with an addict ever again in this lifetime. I'll be friends with you, I'll like you...but you will not be in my legal business, my financial business, or any other manner of a personal nature. Learned that!
I learned that we as humans have enormous capacity to suffer, to endure, to love, to learn, to grown, to give, to accept, and to go on. That capacity is within every one of us and that is what is just exactly right about us. We can also remember with respect...those capacities are within every alcoholic as well. They can reach into them or not, just as we can. But I've learned the Divine spark is in all of us. Period. I'll remember that during those times I want to give myself to rage, or meaness or something else that would diminish me
These are some of the things I've learned. I'll continue to learn, but I'm here to tell you addiction will not ruin my life. It has made me stronger, softer, more compassionate and more loving. It has also made me much more fierce. I wish this for you...it is right within your reach. Your peace is at hand and completely within your control. Claim it. The world needs your wisdom and compassion, and these are my wishes for every one of you.
I've been MIA for a few weeks, but thought I'd pop in and catch up.
My AH drove away one day, after a year of escalating drama, overdose, craziness, lying and all that comes with alcoholism to relapse completely after a 13 year non-drinking period. I don't say recovery, because the first thing I learned is that there is a HUGE difference between not drinking and recovery. He was diagnosed and went into rehab early in his 20s...now in his early 50's.
So what have I learned? Oh, so much. I learned about the disease. My suspicions about what was happening became very much clarified by just learning about the disease. "Under the Influence" and "Beyond the Influence'" just hugely helpful.
I learned that Al Anon is a life-affirming, loving, accepting, healing place and I'll be an Al Anon supporter till I die. I could have never arrived at the peace of mind I have today, without them. My journey has been short, chronologically....he left just in Sept. Now in Feb, I still have grief, but under it all I'm at peace with what is. I have Al Anon, my therapist, my dear friends and a strong spiritual connection to thank for that.
I learned who my real friends really are. Combined with the collapse of my marriage, I had two serious, unexpected surgeries ....all three events right on top of each other. My friends were here, brought me food, took me to the hospital, called me, and cared for me in a million ways. I'm forever changed by their kindness.
I learned where my real core was: the very week he relapsed, I said in a quiet and loving way: "I will support you any possible way you choose to pursue recovery, but be clear: if you do not choose to recover, you cannot be here". He took option two...left that very day, and never looked back. The weeks and weeks of hysterical crying and a grief that I felt at times would swallow me whole left me exhausted, in disbelief, in shock. But I did the right thing for me. I'm so proud of myself I had the strength to do it....that disease would have destroyed me as surely as it is destroying him.
I learned how to walk through the detachment process, one minute at a time. One of the toughest things I've ever done....but do it, I did. I sought the help of a counselor, and combined with Al Anon, found myself in all of it. Right to this very day as he tries to destroy me financially in the divorce, I'll let my attorney fight that battle, and still look upon him with compassion. I have no contact with him...a clear boundary to protect myself from crazy. I cannot imagine what it must feel like in his skin: he's lost his home, his relationship (I'm the only woman who has ever loved him completely, and was his only wife), his beloved pets, his job is in jeopardy, he's lost his friends and his reputation. Literally everything. My heart aches to imagine his pain and suffering, right along side of being clear as a bell, his pain is not mine, his choices are not mine, his loss is not mine, his life is not mine. It is hard to describe this rare combination of profound grief, compassion, rage and detachment, but by God's grace...I am there. I know after the legal process is over, I'm on with my life and frankly am just pretty peaceful about it.
I've been changed by this. Learned a great deal about myself, but also learned I will never, ever, ever, be in a personal relationship with an addict ever again in this lifetime. I'll be friends with you, I'll like you...but you will not be in my legal business, my financial business, or any other manner of a personal nature. Learned that!
I learned that we as humans have enormous capacity to suffer, to endure, to love, to learn, to grown, to give, to accept, and to go on. That capacity is within every one of us and that is what is just exactly right about us. We can also remember with respect...those capacities are within every alcoholic as well. They can reach into them or not, just as we can. But I've learned the Divine spark is in all of us. Period. I'll remember that during those times I want to give myself to rage, or meaness or something else that would diminish me
These are some of the things I've learned. I'll continue to learn, but I'm here to tell you addiction will not ruin my life. It has made me stronger, softer, more compassionate and more loving. It has also made me much more fierce. I wish this for you...it is right within your reach. Your peace is at hand and completely within your control. Claim it. The world needs your wisdom and compassion, and these are my wishes for every one of you.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Columbia MO
Posts: 1,127
MsGrace, I am so very proud of you, you are handling this so much better than I could have or would have, somehow you have been able to have compassion for someone who has hurt you so much, that is an amazing thing to me.
Big hugs and best of luck to you, please come back and let us know how you are doing.
Bill
Big hugs and best of luck to you, please come back and let us know how you are doing.
Bill
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: Portland OR
Posts: 280
Here is how I'm dealing with reality today:
AH has been compulsively contacting all my friends,( much to my horror), because of the no contact. That is what it is...I do not control him and they must deal with him on their own terms.
Today he contacted me, pleading with me to "settle" divorce on his terms, of course. Stated, (did not ask...) that he'd be coming by today to take his cat (who he abandoned, along with me and everything else) and that he didn't know why I was such a "hater". Then accusing me of every imagined flaw or wrong action in our entire history, and threatening me with legal action and filing a complaint with my regulator just to make my life miserable. Narcissistic to the inth degree. Accusing me of being bitter and vindictive because I DARED not bow to his narcissistic delusions.
So what do I do with this? How do I practice the principles I spoke of in this post? Here is how I cope, just for today.
Had a real reaction. My head exploded with rage and frustration. My gutz went into an uproar...thinking he could just drop by today...expecting to take our cat. So I took some deep breaths, and began to search inside myself for my own truth in this. I sent back a two line email, stating I would call the police if he showed up here uninvited...EVER again. Told him that he chose all the actions that led to this mess and there are repercussions. Emphasized he was to never, ever, contact me again in any manner.
Emotionally...what do I do with it? Yes it knocked me off my center...temporarily. Then I pulled back up to 20,000 feet and remembered the words of Floyd Garrett
Excuses Alcoholics Make
who described in one of his articles that indeed, the active alcoholic brain and behavior really falls under the precise description that is the same as insanity. Clinically the same. From this perspective, I ask myself "If he was insane, or had Alzheimer's or something similar, would I take personally this crazy talk that comes out of him?? The answer is no. The challenge is to NOT react to his verbal assault first, or internalize it, take it personally, second.
So I had a bad couple hours sorting this out. Now I just got back from a nice walk, fixed myself a healthy lunch and now I'll take a little nap. I'm at peace.
That's how I did it, just for today.
AH has been compulsively contacting all my friends,( much to my horror), because of the no contact. That is what it is...I do not control him and they must deal with him on their own terms.
Today he contacted me, pleading with me to "settle" divorce on his terms, of course. Stated, (did not ask...) that he'd be coming by today to take his cat (who he abandoned, along with me and everything else) and that he didn't know why I was such a "hater". Then accusing me of every imagined flaw or wrong action in our entire history, and threatening me with legal action and filing a complaint with my regulator just to make my life miserable. Narcissistic to the inth degree. Accusing me of being bitter and vindictive because I DARED not bow to his narcissistic delusions.
So what do I do with this? How do I practice the principles I spoke of in this post? Here is how I cope, just for today.
Had a real reaction. My head exploded with rage and frustration. My gutz went into an uproar...thinking he could just drop by today...expecting to take our cat. So I took some deep breaths, and began to search inside myself for my own truth in this. I sent back a two line email, stating I would call the police if he showed up here uninvited...EVER again. Told him that he chose all the actions that led to this mess and there are repercussions. Emphasized he was to never, ever, contact me again in any manner.
Emotionally...what do I do with it? Yes it knocked me off my center...temporarily. Then I pulled back up to 20,000 feet and remembered the words of Floyd Garrett
Excuses Alcoholics Make
who described in one of his articles that indeed, the active alcoholic brain and behavior really falls under the precise description that is the same as insanity. Clinically the same. From this perspective, I ask myself "If he was insane, or had Alzheimer's or something similar, would I take personally this crazy talk that comes out of him?? The answer is no. The challenge is to NOT react to his verbal assault first, or internalize it, take it personally, second.
So I had a bad couple hours sorting this out. Now I just got back from a nice walk, fixed myself a healthy lunch and now I'll take a little nap. I'm at peace.
That's how I did it, just for today.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Posts: 225
Wow! I clicked on the link to ¨excuses alcoholics make¨ and so many rang true for me. Sorry you had to deal with his craziness, but it sounds as if you are in the right place for you. I'm glad you can feel at peace.
PS -. As an animal lover I'm glad to hear he didn't get to take the cat. People who can't be responsible for themselves have no right to take care (not) of animals.
PS -. As an animal lover I'm glad to hear he didn't get to take the cat. People who can't be responsible for themselves have no right to take care (not) of animals.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: Portland OR
Posts: 280
I couldn't agree more....my little furbabies will never live in a home with an active addict.
Here is the exact article I mentioned, and this description of the insane, addicted brain:
In order for the addiction to continue it requires an increasingly idiosyncratic private reality subject to the needs of the addictive process and indifferent or even actively hostile to the healthy needs of the addict and those around him. This encroachment of the fundamentally autistic, even insane private reality of the addict upon the reality of his family and close associates inevitably causes friction and churn as natural corrective feedback mechanisms come into usually futile play in an effort to restore the addict's increasingly deviant reality towards normal. Questions, discussions, presentations of facts, confrontations, pleas, threats, ultimatums and arguments are characteristic of this process, which in more fortunate and less severe cases of addiction may sometimes actually succeed in its aim of arresting the addiction. But in the more serious or advanced cases all such human counter-attacks upon the addiction, even, indeed especially when they come from those closest and dearest to the addict, fall upon deaf ears and a hardened heart. The addict's obsession-driven, monomaniacal private reality prevents him from being able to hear and assimilate anything that would if acknowledged pose a threat to the continuance of his addiction.
At this stage of addiction the addict is in fact functionally insane. It is usually quite impossible, even sometimes harmful to attempt to talk him out of his delusions regarding his addiction. This situation is similar to that encountered in other psychotic illnesses, schizophrenia for example, in which the individual is convinced of the truth of things that are manifestly untrue to everyone else. Someone who is deluded in the belief that he is the target of a worldwide conspiracy by some organization will always be able to answer any rational objection to his theory in a fashion that preserves the integrity of his belief system. Even when he is presented with hard and fast data that unequivocally disproves some of his allegations, he will easily find a way to sidestep the contradiction and persist in his false beliefs. (He can for example easily claim that the contradictory data is itself part of the conspiracy and is expressly fabricated for the purpose of making him look crazy! Anyone who has ever tried -uselessly- to reason with delusional patients knows the remarkable creativity and ingenuity that can be displayed in maintaining the viability, at least to the patient, of the most bizarre and obviously erroneous beliefs.)
Here is the exact article I mentioned, and this description of the insane, addicted brain:
In order for the addiction to continue it requires an increasingly idiosyncratic private reality subject to the needs of the addictive process and indifferent or even actively hostile to the healthy needs of the addict and those around him. This encroachment of the fundamentally autistic, even insane private reality of the addict upon the reality of his family and close associates inevitably causes friction and churn as natural corrective feedback mechanisms come into usually futile play in an effort to restore the addict's increasingly deviant reality towards normal. Questions, discussions, presentations of facts, confrontations, pleas, threats, ultimatums and arguments are characteristic of this process, which in more fortunate and less severe cases of addiction may sometimes actually succeed in its aim of arresting the addiction. But in the more serious or advanced cases all such human counter-attacks upon the addiction, even, indeed especially when they come from those closest and dearest to the addict, fall upon deaf ears and a hardened heart. The addict's obsession-driven, monomaniacal private reality prevents him from being able to hear and assimilate anything that would if acknowledged pose a threat to the continuance of his addiction.
At this stage of addiction the addict is in fact functionally insane. It is usually quite impossible, even sometimes harmful to attempt to talk him out of his delusions regarding his addiction. This situation is similar to that encountered in other psychotic illnesses, schizophrenia for example, in which the individual is convinced of the truth of things that are manifestly untrue to everyone else. Someone who is deluded in the belief that he is the target of a worldwide conspiracy by some organization will always be able to answer any rational objection to his theory in a fashion that preserves the integrity of his belief system. Even when he is presented with hard and fast data that unequivocally disproves some of his allegations, he will easily find a way to sidestep the contradiction and persist in his false beliefs. (He can for example easily claim that the contradictory data is itself part of the conspiracy and is expressly fabricated for the purpose of making him look crazy! Anyone who has ever tried -uselessly- to reason with delusional patients knows the remarkable creativity and ingenuity that can be displayed in maintaining the viability, at least to the patient, of the most bizarre and obviously erroneous beliefs.)
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