A Relapse Without Drinking?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2008
Posts: 14
A Relapse Without Drinking?
Hi All,
It has been 3 years since I last posted on here. My husband went through rehab in October 2008. During the first few months of his recovery he went to AA meetings and found a sponsor. Then, he gradually stopped going to meetings and has not been actively working the program since. He sees his sponsor every once in a while, but that is about it.
Everything seemed to be going very well. We had a good family life and my husband was a great father to our daughter in the last 3 years. He had stopped working the program, but seemed to be functioning very well. He spent all of his time with our family, got promotions at work, etc.
2 months ago our family life was shattered into pieces. I found out that my husband has been cheating on me since October 2011. I also found out that he has been talking to other women online or on his phone for over 2 years. His explanation was that he was very lonely because I travel for work. We tried marriage counseling and things seemed to be getting better, but 3 weeks in he gave up on our marriage, told me it was all my fault and went back to the other woman.
The interesting part is that the woman he is cheating on me with is somebody from his past that he felt the need to make amends to. They were in a relationship 10 years ago and he owed her a lot of money when he left the relationship. Therefore, as a part of his 12 step program, 2 years ago he decided to make amends and pay her back $10000. However, he hid this fact from me and never also lied to her by forgetting to mention he was married. How crazy is that? Meanwhile, while he was paying back this woman, our family was in financial distress, but I guess we were not a priority. Finding out all of this has been very painful.
Also, my husband admitted that he would have never cheated had he continued to go to AA meetings. He has his moments of elightment when he realizes that what he is doing is wrong, but they do not last. He has been taken over by his new relationship completely and is no longer the good father and husband he was just a few months ago. The woman he is with has no children living with her and makes a very good living. Therefore, my husband has chosen to travel the US with her on weekends, spend money and enjoy himself rather than bear the responsibility of being a family man. He rarely sees our daughter on weekends and spends most of the time when our daughter is with him on the phone talking to this woman.
After finding out about all the lies in the last few years and seeing his inability to work on things when life gets hard, I have decided to divorce my husband. I have been by his side for over 6.5 years. I was by his side when he went to rehab, when he was unemployed and when wen he was having a hard time with his sobriety only to see the same behavior reappear without alcohol being in the picture. I will continue to go see my own counselor and read Al-Anon literature.
I am sorry for the long long post. In some ways this is a much harder time in my life than when he was drinking. Before, I could always blame his behavior on the alcohol, but it seems like he is still a very sick man and the demons who drove him to drinking are still very much alive inside.
I really hope he finds happiness and goes back to being a good father to our daughter, but I know he won't find it with this woman and will have to dig deep inside instead.
It has been 3 years since I last posted on here. My husband went through rehab in October 2008. During the first few months of his recovery he went to AA meetings and found a sponsor. Then, he gradually stopped going to meetings and has not been actively working the program since. He sees his sponsor every once in a while, but that is about it.
Everything seemed to be going very well. We had a good family life and my husband was a great father to our daughter in the last 3 years. He had stopped working the program, but seemed to be functioning very well. He spent all of his time with our family, got promotions at work, etc.
2 months ago our family life was shattered into pieces. I found out that my husband has been cheating on me since October 2011. I also found out that he has been talking to other women online or on his phone for over 2 years. His explanation was that he was very lonely because I travel for work. We tried marriage counseling and things seemed to be getting better, but 3 weeks in he gave up on our marriage, told me it was all my fault and went back to the other woman.
The interesting part is that the woman he is cheating on me with is somebody from his past that he felt the need to make amends to. They were in a relationship 10 years ago and he owed her a lot of money when he left the relationship. Therefore, as a part of his 12 step program, 2 years ago he decided to make amends and pay her back $10000. However, he hid this fact from me and never also lied to her by forgetting to mention he was married. How crazy is that? Meanwhile, while he was paying back this woman, our family was in financial distress, but I guess we were not a priority. Finding out all of this has been very painful.
Also, my husband admitted that he would have never cheated had he continued to go to AA meetings. He has his moments of elightment when he realizes that what he is doing is wrong, but they do not last. He has been taken over by his new relationship completely and is no longer the good father and husband he was just a few months ago. The woman he is with has no children living with her and makes a very good living. Therefore, my husband has chosen to travel the US with her on weekends, spend money and enjoy himself rather than bear the responsibility of being a family man. He rarely sees our daughter on weekends and spends most of the time when our daughter is with him on the phone talking to this woman.
After finding out about all the lies in the last few years and seeing his inability to work on things when life gets hard, I have decided to divorce my husband. I have been by his side for over 6.5 years. I was by his side when he went to rehab, when he was unemployed and when wen he was having a hard time with his sobriety only to see the same behavior reappear without alcohol being in the picture. I will continue to go see my own counselor and read Al-Anon literature.
I am sorry for the long long post. In some ways this is a much harder time in my life than when he was drinking. Before, I could always blame his behavior on the alcohol, but it seems like he is still a very sick man and the demons who drove him to drinking are still very much alive inside.
I really hope he finds happiness and goes back to being a good father to our daughter, but I know he won't find it with this woman and will have to dig deep inside instead.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Columbia MO
Posts: 1,127
hellma,
I am so so sorry, I know how you feel, my first wife was cheating on me with a co-worker.
When I finally caught her and called her out she told me that I needed to move out, I told her to "Go Jump" well not exactly that, but the same general meaning, so she moved out and filed for divorce.
I think it was the hardest thing I have ever gone through, I am so glad you are in counseling, IMO it makes this type of thing so much easier to move on from.
If you need to rant, need a shoulder to cry on, or need a hug please let me know, I will be there for you.
I will say a prayer for you and your daughter, best of luck to you both.
Big hugs,
Bill
I am so so sorry, I know how you feel, my first wife was cheating on me with a co-worker.
When I finally caught her and called her out she told me that I needed to move out, I told her to "Go Jump" well not exactly that, but the same general meaning, so she moved out and filed for divorce.
I think it was the hardest thing I have ever gone through, I am so glad you are in counseling, IMO it makes this type of thing so much easier to move on from.
If you need to rant, need a shoulder to cry on, or need a hug please let me know, I will be there for you.
I will say a prayer for you and your daughter, best of luck to you both.
Big hugs,
Bill
Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 1,146
If you run across any who say just not drinking fixes the alcoholic you'll have some experience to share. FWIW, he's unlikely to stay sober and may get it right the next time, becoming a better ex than he was as a spouse.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2008
Posts: 14
Thanks anvilhead! I really thought he had changed and had gotten over the emotions that were driving him to drink.
Thanks Bill! I've cried a countless number of tears and have stayed up many nights since I found out what has been going on.
At first his manipulative ways really wore on me and I kept blaming myself for our failed marriage. I kept asking myself "What if I had been home more and did not travel for work?" Counseling has now helped me forgive myself and understand that I did not fail our marriage. I have been traveling for work in order to provide financial stability for our family...something he has not been able nor willing to do over the last 3 years as he chose to pay some other woman and buy new clothes rather than take care of us. After our brief time with a marriage counselor, I also proceeded to change my work schedule and travel less which did not help either. He also said he had been lonely and that is why he cheated and talked to other women yet the woman he is cheating with lives out of state and he travels to see her on weekends. How is that better than a wife who travels for work 3 days a week and is always by his and our daughters' side the other 4 days of the week?
He keeps rationalizing why it is ok that he missed both his daughters' birthdays to be with the other woman. When he missed our daughter's birthday, the rationale was that he did not miss her birthday party...therefore, not being there on her actual birthday was no big deal. When he missed my stepdaughter's birthday last weekend, the excuse was that she is a teenager and would've enjoyed time with her friends more than time with him anyway.....
langkah,
As I continue to see the same behavior from his past reappear, I agree that it is unlikely that he will stay sober. I worry about that often, but I know there is nothing I can do about it and it is his battle...not mine. Maybe that is the bottom he needs to hit once again in order to come out on the other side. Yet, I worry about our upcoming divorce and what would happen if he got partial custody of our daughter and then relapsed. I do not want to keep my daughter away from her father...he loves her very much (although she is no longer his priority) and she adores him, but based on his recent actions I do not think he will make a good father at this point. I guess I will have to figure that one out as I go through the motions...
Thanks Bill! I've cried a countless number of tears and have stayed up many nights since I found out what has been going on.
At first his manipulative ways really wore on me and I kept blaming myself for our failed marriage. I kept asking myself "What if I had been home more and did not travel for work?" Counseling has now helped me forgive myself and understand that I did not fail our marriage. I have been traveling for work in order to provide financial stability for our family...something he has not been able nor willing to do over the last 3 years as he chose to pay some other woman and buy new clothes rather than take care of us. After our brief time with a marriage counselor, I also proceeded to change my work schedule and travel less which did not help either. He also said he had been lonely and that is why he cheated and talked to other women yet the woman he is cheating with lives out of state and he travels to see her on weekends. How is that better than a wife who travels for work 3 days a week and is always by his and our daughters' side the other 4 days of the week?
He keeps rationalizing why it is ok that he missed both his daughters' birthdays to be with the other woman. When he missed our daughter's birthday, the rationale was that he did not miss her birthday party...therefore, not being there on her actual birthday was no big deal. When he missed my stepdaughter's birthday last weekend, the excuse was that she is a teenager and would've enjoyed time with her friends more than time with him anyway.....
langkah,
As I continue to see the same behavior from his past reappear, I agree that it is unlikely that he will stay sober. I worry about that often, but I know there is nothing I can do about it and it is his battle...not mine. Maybe that is the bottom he needs to hit once again in order to come out on the other side. Yet, I worry about our upcoming divorce and what would happen if he got partial custody of our daughter and then relapsed. I do not want to keep my daughter away from her father...he loves her very much (although she is no longer his priority) and she adores him, but based on his recent actions I do not think he will make a good father at this point. I guess I will have to figure that one out as I go through the motions...
Member
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: USA
Posts: 3,095
His behavior sounds like that of someone not invested in recovery of any sort... lying, hiding, seeking attention from people who will tell him what he wants to hear (presumably the affairs were about showing one side of himself and getting praised for being the great guy he pretended to be...)...
I am so sorry you have had all this dropped at your feet and it must be so sad to process.
We are all here for you.
As for him saying if he'd gone to AA he'd never have cheated, that sounds a little like he's trying to make himself feel better/a little "pity me" ish... I could be wrong... Something about that just is insincere.
Thinking of you...
I am so sorry you have had all this dropped at your feet and it must be so sad to process.
We are all here for you.
As for him saying if he'd gone to AA he'd never have cheated, that sounds a little like he's trying to make himself feel better/a little "pity me" ish... I could be wrong... Something about that just is insincere.
Thinking of you...
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Right here, right now!
Posts: 3,424
I finally got into the doors of Al-anon the day I found out my husband was having an affair.
How I responded to the drinking in many ways mirrored how I responded to the affair, and it was crazymaking for me. Al-anon helped both recoveries. Many people who work with people who have had affairs share that the person having the affair experiences something similar to a "high" with their new love interest. There is the feeling that they are getting away with something etc. I am not saying all who are living with addictions have affairs just that from many it can be comparable feelings from what I have read.
There are support networks out there for people experiencing affairs too. Like this one those have helped me a lot.
There are a lot of books out there to to help with the affairs. I actually found the Al-anon (In All Our Affairs) helpful, in addition work by Shirley Glass (Not Just Friends) and Janis Abrahms Spring really helpful too.
Finally please be gentle with yourself as you recovery from this.
One thing that helps me is that I have a responsibility in the fact that my marriage was struggling, but the choice to have an affair and to deal with life the way my husband chose is all his....I suspect it is similar for you.
I am healing in similar ways to living with an alcoholic. Therapy, Al-anon, no contact etc.
Kind thoughts headed your way.
How I responded to the drinking in many ways mirrored how I responded to the affair, and it was crazymaking for me. Al-anon helped both recoveries. Many people who work with people who have had affairs share that the person having the affair experiences something similar to a "high" with their new love interest. There is the feeling that they are getting away with something etc. I am not saying all who are living with addictions have affairs just that from many it can be comparable feelings from what I have read.
There are support networks out there for people experiencing affairs too. Like this one those have helped me a lot.
There are a lot of books out there to to help with the affairs. I actually found the Al-anon (In All Our Affairs) helpful, in addition work by Shirley Glass (Not Just Friends) and Janis Abrahms Spring really helpful too.
Finally please be gentle with yourself as you recovery from this.
One thing that helps me is that I have a responsibility in the fact that my marriage was struggling, but the choice to have an affair and to deal with life the way my husband chose is all his....I suspect it is similar for you.
I am healing in similar ways to living with an alcoholic. Therapy, Al-anon, no contact etc.
Kind thoughts headed your way.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: new moon road
Posts: 1,545
I'm so sorry, Hellma, for all your tears. I know what those nights of endless tears are like. Most of us here do.
There is a book on addiction called "The Selfish Brain." Your description of your AH brought it to my mind.
And sometimes, underneath the addiction, is hardwired Narcissism. I have had experience with narcissists, and I find they can be especially cruel, as they feel absolutely no remorse for their lies or betrayals. And they are very skilled at making themselves look superior to their partners, even when caught out in their dirty crimes. And justifying every action with a "reasonable" explanation.
Such people make me quite sick to my stomach. I have a gut reaction that comes over me.
I think you are worthy of love, of time, of attention, of protection, of fidelity, of joy, of intimacy, and of truth.
Hoping for your rising up from these ashes and flying with new wings.
There is a book on addiction called "The Selfish Brain." Your description of your AH brought it to my mind.
And sometimes, underneath the addiction, is hardwired Narcissism. I have had experience with narcissists, and I find they can be especially cruel, as they feel absolutely no remorse for their lies or betrayals. And they are very skilled at making themselves look superior to their partners, even when caught out in their dirty crimes. And justifying every action with a "reasonable" explanation.
Such people make me quite sick to my stomach. I have a gut reaction that comes over me.
I think you are worthy of love, of time, of attention, of protection, of fidelity, of joy, of intimacy, and of truth.
Hoping for your rising up from these ashes and flying with new wings.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
