Purplecatlover

I knew I had a problem with drinking. I knew I needed to do something about it. It was consuming my life, making me miserable. I hated myself. *I tried to " control" it; only on weekends, switch from vodka to beer, etc. I tried to quit for my husband & child, white knuckled it for a month, 2 times & picked up again. *I could go a week, then it was a free for all binge. I knew I couldn't stop, no matter how bad I wanted to. I cried, I begged God to help me, I had my husband lock up the booze & ration it out for a year or two b/c I knew I had no control. *I would sneak it in the house, get mad at myself & him for not giving me enough. I was doing things I swore I'd never do ; drive drunk, work drunk, lie to my husband about drinking. *I was so miserable, I contemplated suicide many times, usually when I was drunk b/c I felt I just could not win this battle. *I couldn't shut out the voices in my head. I couldn't keep up the endless daily battIe in my mind. It was exhausting, so I'd give in to shut them up. I felt like such a failure. Useless POS.*
Then, About 2 months ago, frustrated from trying & failing for the millionth time to quit, I found SR. *I read about people using AA,etc. I downloaded the Big Book, read it. Worked some of the steps. Read Beyond the Influence. *
EPIPHANY!*

Something FINALLY clicked. It made sense. I accepted I was an alcoholic. I was powerless over it. I have a disease that has no cure. I accepted that I will NEVER *be able to drink like a normal person, EVER.*
And I was FINALLY okay with that.*
I was sick of the battle, tired of the heartache, over the withdrawal , vicious cycle. Drinking was not fun anymore, the romance was gone. I disbanded all the lies I'd been feeding myself.*
Truth:It is poison, rotting my body & soul. It did nothing Good for me.*
I kept reading & started posting on SR. I realized I wasn't alone, there are millions like me. *
I accepted what I had to do to get sober.*......Never drink again.*
So I made up my mind & here I am, day 27. The first few weeks were hell. But I forged through. If I could get over the killer hangovers I've had, I could get through the withdrawal. *And now I don't have to do it again.
Now the voices are silent. I'm not tormented daily. I'm having to learn how to live sober but it's nice to finally find me! *And I like myself now. I have clarity. Im not perfect, but I'm okay with that. I was the one putting pressure on myself, noone else. *Life will always be full of stresses & problems but are easier to deal w/ sober.*
What I want to share is my breakthrough from " knowing" to "accepting" and being okay with that. That's how I got sober & it feels great to get this giant life-ending disease in control.*
I feel free for the first time in years & it feels absolutely fabulous.*
I wish you all the best & hope I encouraged someone or gave them hope. Many others posts *did for me.*

michelle01

Well done and I think you've realized something important - it doesn't seem to be enough to intellectually realize there's a problem; the emotional, gut level acceptance is what seemed to make the difference for me.

Before getting to the acceptance, I went through a lot of the emotions I think are similar to grief - denial, anger, bargaining, etc - before I finally accepted and surrendered. Thank you for sharing with us.

doggonecarl

Glad your recovery "clicked" for you this time.

That was a huge turning point for me too. I wasn't a normal drinker and I never was going to be. At that point I could accept NEVER drinking again.

And I haven't looked back.

Sapling

Nice topic PCL.....Just curious about one thing..You mentioned you worked some of the steps...Did you ever take the rest and still practice the AA program?....Or was that enough for you?

Purplecatlover

I Went to AA 13 or so yrs ago for a brief time. I'm still working the steps occasionally. I have not gone to any meetings. I don't feel it is necessary for me. Each person is different. I like reading & have read many books on alcoholism.
Last Addiction is one I'm reading now. It's a Christian based approach.
If I were not doing this well, I would go to AA meeting. I made myself open to anything & everything b/c I made sobriety the most important thing in my life.
I made up my mind to " Do Whatever It Takes" to get sober.
Apparently, wanting it bad enough has been enough for me so far.
I will continue reading & educating myself. I will do the steps as needed.
I mainly thank God daily that He helped me, gave me another chance to live this precious life. Now that I have distance, albeit small, between alcohol & myself, my whole attitude, thought processes, & desires are totally different.
I truly don't have ANY desire to drink & I hope it always stays that way.
I've come out of the darkness, into the light & see what a monster alcohol really is.

Purplecatlover

I Went to AA 13 or so yrs ago for a brief time. I'm still working the steps occasionally. I have not gone to any meetings. I don't feel it is necessary for me. Each person is different. I like reading & have read many books on alcoholism.
Last Addiction is one I'm reading now. It's a Christian based approach.
If I were not doing this well, I would go to AA meeting. I made myself open to anything & everything b/c I made sobriety the most important thing in my life.
I made up my mind to " Do Whatever It Takes" to get sober.
Apparently, wanting it bad enough has been enough for me so far.
I will continue reading & educating myself. I will do the steps as needed.
I mainly thank God daily that He helped me, gave me another chance to live this precious life. Now that I have distance, albeit small, between alcohol & myself, my whole attitude, thought processes, & desires are totally different.
I truly don't have ANY desire to drink & I hope it always stays that way.
I've come out of the darkness, into the light & see what a monster alcohol really is.

Purplecatlover

I Went to AA 13 or so yrs ago for a brief time. I'm still working the steps occasionally. I have not gone to any meetings. I don't feel it is necessary for me. Each person is different. I like reading & have read many books on alcoholism.
Last Addiction is one I'm reading now. It's a Christian based approach.
If I were not doing this well, I would go to AA meeting. I made myself open to anything & everything b/c I made sobriety the most important thing in my life.
I made up my mind to " Do Whatever It Takes" to get sober.
Apparently, wanting it bad enough has been enough for me so far.
I will continue reading & educating myself. I will do the steps as needed.
I mainly thank God daily that He helped me, gave me another chance to live this precious life. Now that I have distance, albeit small, between alcohol & myself, my whole attitude, thought processes, & desires are totally different.
I truly don't have ANY desire to drink & I hope it always stays that way.
I've come out of the darkness, into the light & see what a monster alcohol really is.

Sapling

That's cool...I was just curious if you were working the program of AA as outlined in the Big Book. For me that is something I have to practice daily...So far...So good. Glad to see you are away from alcohol...That's what counts.