Thelma

I've been sitting on the fence for about 6 months about whether to attend an Al Anon meeting. Here's my delimma...
I live in an incredibly small town in Virginia. I've lived here 20+ years and seem to know just about everyone.
My AH has been here about 15 and is in the construction biz. He knows alot of people in the field as well has a decent client base. To the unsuspecting eye AH is a social drinker, occasionally getting a bit over the edge but never out of control. (That only happens at home) He's well liked in the community and is concidered a great guy, everyone's friend.
I know there is the cover of anomynity at meetings, but my husband just went into business for himself the beginning of 2010 and I am nervous that if I go to meetings I'm almost assuredly going to run into someone I know or who knows AH. And these people may be potential clients, who otherwise would not know about the addiction.
How can I go to Al Anon, speak freely and get the support I need without damaging AH's reputation?
I don't want y'all to think I'm so much trying to protect him, the family and close friends all know the truth, but I'm not in a position to leave yet and we need his income to make mortgage payments etc. Any suggestions? [/FONT]

PurpleWilder

I grew outside of a small town in Illinois that had only 750 people. At my first Al-Anon meeting I walked in to find....my high school Spanish teacher! I almost died. But one of the strongest concepts on which Al-anon is based is "What you see here, what you hear here, when you leave here, let it stay here" and it always did. And my XAH's first sponsor turned out to be from a rather prominent family (if you can be prominent in a town of 750) in my very hometown who was also the ER doctor in the neighboring town. Nary a peep was said by anyone to anyone. Ever.

You don't have to reveal who it is that is affecting your life. You never have to refer to him by name at all. And remember - all of the other people probably have things they wouldn't want you to repeat about those that are affecting them with their alcoholism either. They too have to go out into the community and make money, form relationships and function. So anonymity works both ways.

As codies and people in bad relationships we are taught to keep the peace, keep it quiet, don't make a fuss. This is a hard reflex to fight sometimes and I wish you the best.

Do you have to go to meetings in that town? Is their another town nearby that has meetings? That is always an option if you still feel weird about the local meeting.....

naive

what about on-line alanon meeting as an alternative?

m1k3

I agree with PurpleSquirrel on both anonymity and checking out nearby meetings. Another thing that helped me was posting here, a lot. You can get many of the same benefits right here at SR.

((((hugs)))) and good luck with your recovery.

Your friend,

Thelma

Didn't know about the online meetings. I literally just this past Sunday decided I had to do something to save myself. So I'm totaly new at all of this. The near by towns are a possibility although we know alot of the communities in the area due to AH's work.
But I appreciate your insight, Purple Squirrel. Sometimes I can't see the forest for the trees.

MyBetterWorld

well, you don't have to give details at alanon meetings. For all they know, it could be your alcoholic 2nd cousin...or an old friend from school. It's not just for spouses...
I'm not saying to lie, but maybe, just, sort of make them think it's someone other than your husband?

well, you might not get as much out of it then, but for me, when I went, just listening to the others really helped. and it IS annoymous. Chances are the people who are in the group already know he is an A.....most of us can spot them from across a room.

MyGirlGracie

Thelma... I too live in a small town in SW Virginia so I feel your pain... it is a concern for sure. However... I drive 45 minutes to get my hair cut so, why can't I drive that far for Al-anon? Haven't done it yet, but am trying to. Maybe you can find a meeting just far enough away to be out of the area, but not too far... make it a weekly or bi-weekly outing that is just for you.

I agree with everyone else who said that SR is a great outlet... It has been a lifeline for me since I joined. Please keep coming back..

Winchester is so beautiful... the Apple Blossom Festival is so fun too! I used to live in the DC area and would travel to Winchester for those events and for a taste of the country. :o)

wanttobehealthy

Small town living can be uncomfortable. I go to face to face meetings occassionally but dislike seeing people who I know work with AH, have kids who AH teaches or seeing people who I used to be friendly with at the gym (knew one another just from there) who now won't look at me bc I've seen them at al anon. It just feels uncomfortable and I have a sponsor and get a lot of benefit from SR so I don't do tons of meetings in person.

LifeRecovery

I live in a small community in the west where there are not a lot of options outside the ones in my community.

I went to my first Al-anon meeting with one loved one in mind. I have come to understand though that I think both parents grew up in active alcoholic households, I have a TON of family members who struggle, and my brother might also.

For me the skills from Al-anon have helped me with all of my relationships....even those who don't struggle with a substance. I just had to get myself there to partake. I don't think I would have had to have said my husband was the reason that got me there if I did not want to.