Anyone Experience ACOAs As More Prone To Violence?
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Anyone Experience ACOAs As More Prone To Violence?
My XABF's family of origin is alcoholic (father) since he was a baby. The father was a good provider, but drank every day and as he got drunk would become belligerent. The father stayed married to his mom, a classic enabler, for over 50 years.
Although my XABF denies violence at home, I do not really believe him. He shows signs of abuse. Also, he admitted to me a while ago that he punched his ex-wife in the face and that is the reason she divorced him. (It took him two years to admit that he wasn't asleep when he did it, and therefore not responsible for his hand punching her face, as he first tried to tell me, among other whoppers about his family)...
SO, my question is..,when you come from a family with an alcoholic background, and the rule of the house is DENY DENY DENY...pretend everything is fine! And you refuse to get in touch with your feelings, are you just going to keep reenacting a violent outburst? I guess that is one of the reasons I left, in addition to feeling like I was in an emotionally deceptive relationship.
Is an adult child of an alcoholic predisposed to bottling up feelings, denying, and then exploding in rage/violence...?
Although my XABF denies violence at home, I do not really believe him. He shows signs of abuse. Also, he admitted to me a while ago that he punched his ex-wife in the face and that is the reason she divorced him. (It took him two years to admit that he wasn't asleep when he did it, and therefore not responsible for his hand punching her face, as he first tried to tell me, among other whoppers about his family)...
SO, my question is..,when you come from a family with an alcoholic background, and the rule of the house is DENY DENY DENY...pretend everything is fine! And you refuse to get in touch with your feelings, are you just going to keep reenacting a violent outburst? I guess that is one of the reasons I left, in addition to feeling like I was in an emotionally deceptive relationship.
Is an adult child of an alcoholic predisposed to bottling up feelings, denying, and then exploding in rage/violence...?
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Join Date: Nov 2010
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In my opinion everybody affected by the disease of alcohlism is more prone to violence. I know it made me more prone to violence and rage. While never violent to my wife and daughter I sure did rage, and if a stranger happened to cross me I would manifest that violence against them.
Not good. I don't do it anymore, but it took awhile in recovery to get past it.
Cyranoak
Not good. I don't do it anymore, but it took awhile in recovery to get past it.
Cyranoak
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Posts: 3,443
My mom, my dad, myself, my xah are ACOA for sure and I know all of them very well. None are violent. I have never been hit or slapped or afraid that I would be and I've never actually seen anyone hit or slapped. IME alcoholism and violence are two different things.
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I am an ACOA who beat me occasionally, and my father her enabler who beat and kicked me regularly, in addition I was verbally abused by both of them, sexually abused by a cousin and a stranger, and bullied at school.
The combination of all these made me fight at the drop of a hat, it made me mean, it made me hurtful and viscious. I would fight on the road, fight in bars, I would not put up with any disrespect from anyone no matter how big or how tough, I might lose the fight, but they would walk away with some serious pain to remember me by.
I married a woman who was verbally and physically abusive, she was especially bad when she was drinking, one time she hit me in the kidney because I would not drive us home, neither one of us was in any condition to drive so I told her lets just sleep it off in the car and I would drive when I sobered up, well I made th mistake of turning my back to her and she hit me (so hard I peed blood for a few days) and unfortunately I had enough and punched her in the mouth, it is something that I am still ashamed of to this day, but at least she never hit me again.
At 49 I am still dealing with anger issues, but anti-depressants and counseling have made me a much more calm and rational person, the old me still bleeds through now and again, but is mostly in check.
But there was in our home the constant, never talk, never tell, deny everything, it is a way of life when you live with alcoholics and abusers, if you asked my mom today she would tell you that she does not have an alcohol problem (she only drinks 6 bottles of wine a day at 76) and there was never any whipping or kicking in our home, we call her The Mayor of Denial.
Every home is different, but reading here it seems to me that rage is a pretty standard emotion in homes of alcoholics.
The combination of all these made me fight at the drop of a hat, it made me mean, it made me hurtful and viscious. I would fight on the road, fight in bars, I would not put up with any disrespect from anyone no matter how big or how tough, I might lose the fight, but they would walk away with some serious pain to remember me by.
I married a woman who was verbally and physically abusive, she was especially bad when she was drinking, one time she hit me in the kidney because I would not drive us home, neither one of us was in any condition to drive so I told her lets just sleep it off in the car and I would drive when I sobered up, well I made th mistake of turning my back to her and she hit me (so hard I peed blood for a few days) and unfortunately I had enough and punched her in the mouth, it is something that I am still ashamed of to this day, but at least she never hit me again.
At 49 I am still dealing with anger issues, but anti-depressants and counseling have made me a much more calm and rational person, the old me still bleeds through now and again, but is mostly in check.
But there was in our home the constant, never talk, never tell, deny everything, it is a way of life when you live with alcoholics and abusers, if you asked my mom today she would tell you that she does not have an alcohol problem (she only drinks 6 bottles of wine a day at 76) and there was never any whipping or kicking in our home, we call her The Mayor of Denial.
Every home is different, but reading here it seems to me that rage is a pretty standard emotion in homes of alcoholics.
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Thanks for your comments. I am not "trying to diagnose" anyone. As ACOA myself and as someone involved with an ACOA still in my life, I am here because I am interested in learning about others' experiences as a way of gaining perspective and understanding so that I can be a better friend.
Violence comes in many forms - not just physical - but emotional violence, which can come through in comments, snipes, etc. I suppose I may be generalizing a bit regarding ACOA, and for that mea culpa....perhaps this is not the best format for this type of a discussion.
Violence comes in many forms - not just physical - but emotional violence, which can come through in comments, snipes, etc. I suppose I may be generalizing a bit regarding ACOA, and for that mea culpa....perhaps this is not the best format for this type of a discussion.
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