Lessons Learned
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 59
Lessons Learned
Last summer I was actively here and posting almost daily, I needed to be. I needed all of the support, guidance, and experience that SR offered in addition to Nar Anon and individual counseling. I needed answers to the "why me" questions that were spinning in my mind. Then as life became progressively complicated, drama filled, and downright horrible I just became a daily lurker, in part because I didn't not have the energy to write because I was so caught up in my AH's destructive behavior and constantly fighting with him and the other side was my own shame in still engaging in this tiresome and unproductive and codependent behavior.
As my name suggests - Why me?? why, because I allowed it!
We all have different stories, yet in essence, its really all the same.
There's a difference in learning and accepting. I have learned:
(disclaimer: I'm sorry if I'm harsh, these are just my opinions)
- You can not make anybody do what they don't want to do. Life is all about free will and no matter how many times you repeat yourself, scream, bargain, threaten, cry, manipulate. People do not and will not stop using, go to rehab, change their ways until they are ready to. If you want to be met with broken promises then keep demanding, because that's all that will happen here.
- The above applies to yourself, life is about free will, you have to be ready to accept that you are the only person you can count on. You have the strength to walk away if you so desire. You have the right to feel good about your self and not engage or condone destructive behavior. Bottom line you need to really really believe in yourself.
- For those who have been smacked in the face by their loved ones addiction... Education about addiction and addictive behaviors is key. It will help you realize that its not about you, its not done to you, its just what addicts do. I've read and read some more and one day it really clicked, I understood, and it made me feel better.
- The more you tolerate, enable, and get sucked in inappropriate behavior - the more it will happen.
- If you think your kids are too young to know what's going on or that it won't affect them - it will and they do. We have the obligation as parents to be parents first.
These are a few off the top of my mind. Believe me I am no where near perfect, I've stepped on my own feet so many times, but I figured it was my due for all the people who helped me early on.
I was starting to give up on my relationship, I detached with love from my AH, because it was what was best for me and my daughter. Enough was enough. No expectations, no nothing, I was exhausted. I could no longer live this life. During that time, he hit his bottom. He is now in rehab fighting like heck for his life, his recovery, his future, and our relationship, go figure! I plan to give him his last chance if he completes his program and continues in aftercare, if he treats our family and himself with dignity, love, and respect. And if he doesn't its ok, because I am ok!
Thanks for letting me share.
As my name suggests - Why me?? why, because I allowed it!
We all have different stories, yet in essence, its really all the same.
There's a difference in learning and accepting. I have learned:
(disclaimer: I'm sorry if I'm harsh, these are just my opinions)
- You can not make anybody do what they don't want to do. Life is all about free will and no matter how many times you repeat yourself, scream, bargain, threaten, cry, manipulate. People do not and will not stop using, go to rehab, change their ways until they are ready to. If you want to be met with broken promises then keep demanding, because that's all that will happen here.
- The above applies to yourself, life is about free will, you have to be ready to accept that you are the only person you can count on. You have the strength to walk away if you so desire. You have the right to feel good about your self and not engage or condone destructive behavior. Bottom line you need to really really believe in yourself.
- For those who have been smacked in the face by their loved ones addiction... Education about addiction and addictive behaviors is key. It will help you realize that its not about you, its not done to you, its just what addicts do. I've read and read some more and one day it really clicked, I understood, and it made me feel better.
- The more you tolerate, enable, and get sucked in inappropriate behavior - the more it will happen.
- If you think your kids are too young to know what's going on or that it won't affect them - it will and they do. We have the obligation as parents to be parents first.
These are a few off the top of my mind. Believe me I am no where near perfect, I've stepped on my own feet so many times, but I figured it was my due for all the people who helped me early on.
I was starting to give up on my relationship, I detached with love from my AH, because it was what was best for me and my daughter. Enough was enough. No expectations, no nothing, I was exhausted. I could no longer live this life. During that time, he hit his bottom. He is now in rehab fighting like heck for his life, his recovery, his future, and our relationship, go figure! I plan to give him his last chance if he completes his program and continues in aftercare, if he treats our family and himself with dignity, love, and respect. And if he doesn't its ok, because I am ok!
Thanks for letting me share.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: massachusetts
Posts: 121
Whyme,
I like you have not posted in a long time. I had detached with love from ABF. Four months later ( a total and complete downward spiral for ABF), he has seeked help ON HIS OWN! Has completed 10 days in detox and was transferred to a 30 day rehab. He is like your AH, fighting for his life and fighting to get his family back. I am not holding my breath, because I know that at any given time he could sign himself out or pick up when he leaves. But for today it is positive. Keep strong, from your post I can tell you are. I will continue in my own recovery through alanon and pray for mine and yours!
I like you have not posted in a long time. I had detached with love from ABF. Four months later ( a total and complete downward spiral for ABF), he has seeked help ON HIS OWN! Has completed 10 days in detox and was transferred to a 30 day rehab. He is like your AH, fighting for his life and fighting to get his family back. I am not holding my breath, because I know that at any given time he could sign himself out or pick up when he leaves. But for today it is positive. Keep strong, from your post I can tell you are. I will continue in my own recovery through alanon and pray for mine and yours!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Los Angeles
Posts: 271
Lessons I learned:
He won't quit for me or anyone else he says he loves. If he's not quitting for himself he certainly won't quit for anyone else
You can't live them into recovery
You cant outwit or out manipulate an addict they are masters at these skills and no one wins when I try
99% of what an addict is saying good bad or ugly is quacking and not to be taken seriously
If and once the A stops drinking that doesn't solve everything in fact it solves nothing. This is when the work can finally begin.
No one changes overnight no matter how badly they want to. I don't I can't so why would i expect someone else to?
I'm a Codie in recovery
He won't quit for me or anyone else he says he loves. If he's not quitting for himself he certainly won't quit for anyone else
You can't live them into recovery
You cant outwit or out manipulate an addict they are masters at these skills and no one wins when I try
99% of what an addict is saying good bad or ugly is quacking and not to be taken seriously
If and once the A stops drinking that doesn't solve everything in fact it solves nothing. This is when the work can finally begin.
No one changes overnight no matter how badly they want to. I don't I can't so why would i expect someone else to?
I'm a Codie in recovery
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 59
Thank you hopeful, I'm right there with you! You sound great! Today I found that it is amazing how our recovery bleeds into other non A related aspects and situations in our life, I feel myself consequently making better decisions because of what I have learned. This journey with my AH, whether over or not has helped me so much to get me back and then some! And for that, as finding joy had said, I am a recovering codie and will be for life.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: massachusetts
Posts: 121
I think my HP everyday for giving me this experience with my ABF, I have learned so much! Much needed recovery in alanon, since I grew up in an alcoholic home. ABF was not the beginning of my codie issues. In this past year I have transformed into a calm, happy person, regardless of how any one else is living around me. It is truly so freeing to just focus on my own issues and not anyone elses. One thing I have learned, is only you can decide what is right for you, you have to walk in your own shoes.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 59
I actually learned in therapy (like two weeks ago) that I too am a ACO(an undercover/not so undercover anymore though)A. So I totally get the been a codie (in denial) for years statement. Wow the similarities are great!
You hit the nail on the head - it is freeing!
Good for you sister! I hope you do something nice for yourself this weekend, I'm certainly going to
You hit the nail on the head - it is freeing!
Good for you sister! I hope you do something nice for yourself this weekend, I'm certainly going to
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