Why do I let it bother me....
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2011
Posts: 52
Why do I let it bother me....
so me and my soon to XAH had a talk last night... I finally let myself give in and broach the subject of separating things. I kept getting shot down, that he needed to talk to his lawyer. 3 attempts - need to talk to his lawyers, but yet he never came back and talked to me. This has been since Sept 19th and now it is Feb 9th.
Why do they want you to feel as if it is your fault for there world falling apart. Things he said to me were just to hurt me, but I think he truly believes them... that is what bothers me the most. I've accepted the fact that he is an alcholic, I've accepted the fact that choices he made were while he was under the influence and didn't know any better (so I am giving him a lot of credit here). But that doesn't mean I have to accept the hurt that it bestowed on me does it. I am I suppose to just let all those feelings go away, but yet he comes back what about me... I kept going back to about him. How I hurt him, how ignored him, how with out really saying it that I was the reason he drank...Really seriously. Someone please tell me what the hell is going on.
You know if I cheated on him or did something horrible to him, I would man up and be like... Yes I did that, yes I get that I hurt you, yes I get why you would want to divorce me. I would accept the pain I bestowed on him.
I know I shouldn't care how he feels towards me, but when it is all about somehow putting the blame on me for the situation we are in. Making things up that are so off track, but because I may of done something that he interrperted as wrong so lets stretch it out to the max penalty. The fact I can drink makes me just as much as an alcoholic as him.
Is he just in complete denial? ... what do I do?... I wanted to stay friends with him, do family things yet, but now after he has made me feel that I am doing all this just to be a coniving B&*^$, that he thinks I am some kind of drug addict, I barely even take asprin, I am the alcholic, he is scared for the children and there safety with me.
His - "I won't let the kids go, I will fight for them, I will switch jobs so I can be with them" ... I asked for primary care but we share joint, I can still maintain for the kids what they know, really there schedule wouldn't change at all except when they would go see there dad. (which even after filing in sept, we still live together). So I am suppose to ask for shared custody based on what he IS going to do, please someone share what happens when a alcoholic says they are going to do something? ... Really curious if I should stick to my guns or even consider to entertain the thought he really would get a different job.
Sorry so long, just so crazily confused, I knew I shouldn't of talked to him, he can't even keep straight from what his lawyer tells him to do and what he tells me.
By the way he says he is recovering, cause he hasn't drank in months, yet works no program. I feel bad for him, I really do cause I see no changes in his mentality of what real life is. He actually thought and did say this, that by not talking to me, he hoped things would change. Hello!!! I haven't even said I love you in over 2 1/2 years!
Thoughts of all kinds really appreciated. I think I am going to lose it! and that is not good for a control freak like me.
Why do they want you to feel as if it is your fault for there world falling apart. Things he said to me were just to hurt me, but I think he truly believes them... that is what bothers me the most. I've accepted the fact that he is an alcholic, I've accepted the fact that choices he made were while he was under the influence and didn't know any better (so I am giving him a lot of credit here). But that doesn't mean I have to accept the hurt that it bestowed on me does it. I am I suppose to just let all those feelings go away, but yet he comes back what about me... I kept going back to about him. How I hurt him, how ignored him, how with out really saying it that I was the reason he drank...Really seriously. Someone please tell me what the hell is going on.
You know if I cheated on him or did something horrible to him, I would man up and be like... Yes I did that, yes I get that I hurt you, yes I get why you would want to divorce me. I would accept the pain I bestowed on him.
I know I shouldn't care how he feels towards me, but when it is all about somehow putting the blame on me for the situation we are in. Making things up that are so off track, but because I may of done something that he interrperted as wrong so lets stretch it out to the max penalty. The fact I can drink makes me just as much as an alcoholic as him.
Is he just in complete denial? ... what do I do?... I wanted to stay friends with him, do family things yet, but now after he has made me feel that I am doing all this just to be a coniving B&*^$, that he thinks I am some kind of drug addict, I barely even take asprin, I am the alcholic, he is scared for the children and there safety with me.
His - "I won't let the kids go, I will fight for them, I will switch jobs so I can be with them" ... I asked for primary care but we share joint, I can still maintain for the kids what they know, really there schedule wouldn't change at all except when they would go see there dad. (which even after filing in sept, we still live together). So I am suppose to ask for shared custody based on what he IS going to do, please someone share what happens when a alcoholic says they are going to do something? ... Really curious if I should stick to my guns or even consider to entertain the thought he really would get a different job.
Sorry so long, just so crazily confused, I knew I shouldn't of talked to him, he can't even keep straight from what his lawyer tells him to do and what he tells me.
By the way he says he is recovering, cause he hasn't drank in months, yet works no program. I feel bad for him, I really do cause I see no changes in his mentality of what real life is. He actually thought and did say this, that by not talking to me, he hoped things would change. Hello!!! I haven't even said I love you in over 2 1/2 years!
Thoughts of all kinds really appreciated. I think I am going to lose it! and that is not good for a control freak like me.
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,870
You've mentioned that he has an attorney...do YOU have an attorney? If so, let them earn their money and work this thing out. If you are sure you are done and want a divorce, then get on with it. Every word out of his mouth is an attempt to manipulate and worry you. Don't let him do it. You shouldn't even be discussing this stuff with him. That is what attorneys are for. Go ahead and file for full custody and let him and his attorney deal with it. His list of things he's gonna do means nothing. Go for what you want and let the two attorneys hash it out.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 427
It is so hard...my situation was very similar. He blamed me and threatened to take the kids. Well, he never actually did anything about that, but I do know that courts don't look too favorably on a parent with drug or alcohol issues. If you have any documentation at all you shouldn't have a problem getting custody!
Hang in there. It is very, very hard. But you can and will get through this!
Hugs to you.
Hang in there. It is very, very hard. But you can and will get through this!
Hugs to you.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Quebec
Posts: 2,708
One of the things I really had to work to let go of, was the fact that my XAH WOULD NEVER think that he had done anything wrong. There would be no convincing him of admitting that he had an ounce of responsibility in the demise of our marriage...just like there was no convincing him to stop drinking or stop being an abusive @ss. No way, no how.
Again, this seems to be an opportunity for you to practice "let go and let god"...
Regarding custody, I would, in your shoes, keep my eye on the ball and ask for primary custody, because once again, how can you trust this man's words? Until he actually gets a job that allows him to take shared custody (and even then, will he do what's necessary once he's got shared custody??), it's in the children's best interest for you to have primary custody. IF EVER he actually does what he says he's going to do, then you can make some modification to the visitation schedule...
And yeah, please let your lawyer deal with all this mess...
Again, this seems to be an opportunity for you to practice "let go and let god"...
Regarding custody, I would, in your shoes, keep my eye on the ball and ask for primary custody, because once again, how can you trust this man's words? Until he actually gets a job that allows him to take shared custody (and even then, will he do what's necessary once he's got shared custody??), it's in the children's best interest for you to have primary custody. IF EVER he actually does what he says he's going to do, then you can make some modification to the visitation schedule...
And yeah, please let your lawyer deal with all this mess...
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2011
Posts: 52
Thanks all. Somewhere in my diluted mine, I think there is a sane person in him. But yet he keeps showing me there is not. After being togerther for 12 years it just appauls me of what he thinks of me. I think that is what hurts the most. That no matter what i did it was and will never be what he thinks it should be. I'm not perfect and know that, but you here of high maintance woman, the impression he gave me that if I wasn't giving him my full attention every time he was wanting it, I was a bad wife. Geesh don't understand that I let him do his thing, let him run wild with his drinking buddies, never yelled, never argued, was just quiet and left him alone. That, that was being a bad wife and not giving him attention. What the heck, really what the heck!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 3,443
I had a very hard time with that as well. It is just another level of acceptance. Once I accepted that we just have two different realities - I was able to let it go. It really did not matter to my life what he thought. My days, my life, my reality, all of it looked exactly the same no matter what his reality was. I wasn't changing his mind, and he wasn't changing mine, and that was OK. We could just disagree. I took back a lot of my own power and energy when I came to that point.
Some things that helped me reach that point was to picture that quacking. It was visual that helped me see we were not living in the same reality at all. Understanding alcoholism helped me quit projecting. He was simply not going to behave rationally because alcoholism isn't rational. SR helped me see that I had to quit listening to the words and watch the actions. That was eye opening for sure.
Also - and this is different for everyone - but I was done. I eventually just got sick of myself. I mean - I had enough real and legitimate speed bumps to deal with (both practically and emotionally) that I sure as heck didn't need to worry about his reality too. If he never understood my side and even if he really thought I was all those terrible things - so what - all the more reason to just stay away from him.
Some things that helped me reach that point was to picture that quacking. It was visual that helped me see we were not living in the same reality at all. Understanding alcoholism helped me quit projecting. He was simply not going to behave rationally because alcoholism isn't rational. SR helped me see that I had to quit listening to the words and watch the actions. That was eye opening for sure.
Also - and this is different for everyone - but I was done. I eventually just got sick of myself. I mean - I had enough real and legitimate speed bumps to deal with (both practically and emotionally) that I sure as heck didn't need to worry about his reality too. If he never understood my side and even if he really thought I was all those terrible things - so what - all the more reason to just stay away from him.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2011
Posts: 52
Thank you Thumper! Those words mean so much to me at this point. I am still on that fence, of what he thinks of me matters, but yet the other side isn't quite in my grasp. that what he thinks and says is a in a whole different planet, then what most of us call reality. I want OVER!!! the dang fence!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 3,443
For me this was mixed up a lot in emotional boundaries. In some areas I have very very rigid and hard boundaries and in others I have very fluid boundaries - even though I had never considered that prior to working on my own recover. When it came to this issue I discovered my emotional boundaries with him were very fluid, despite the fact that I had no fear of living without him. Inside that relationship I maintained some very rigid boundaries that made it difficult to form an intimate bond yet so many of my other boundaries had almost ceased to exist. I had no clear sense of who I was and so the emotional boundaries between him and I were very thin and fluid. The voice of my husband (laced with emotional manipulation when it suited him) had a very serious impact.
Perhaps some work on boundaries would be a starting place for you. There are some threads here at SR and book recommendations and a google search gives lots of hits of course. I do know that reading this link was what really brought it all home for me.
Of course this was just my experience - it may not apply to you so if that is the case - just disregard
Perhaps some work on boundaries would be a starting place for you. There are some threads here at SR and book recommendations and a google search gives lots of hits of course. I do know that reading this link was what really brought it all home for me.
Of course this was just my experience - it may not apply to you so if that is the case - just disregard
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 2,059
married, he is operating in a parallel universe...you are in reality...he is in some pretend reality that he actually believes...
i would file for full custody. it is quite unlikely that he will follow through with his bluffs.
as for separating things, best to leave that to the lawyers. leave it all to the lawyers to sort out.
if he tries to engage you in these types of conversations, i would not engage. remember, he is not in reality so it is impossible to have a reasonable conversation with him. the sooner you accept this, the better able you will be to prevent unnecessary frustration in your life.
i don't really understand how you guys are still living together after filing in september...that's five months...why the delay in separating living spaces?
i would file for full custody. it is quite unlikely that he will follow through with his bluffs.
as for separating things, best to leave that to the lawyers. leave it all to the lawyers to sort out.
if he tries to engage you in these types of conversations, i would not engage. remember, he is not in reality so it is impossible to have a reasonable conversation with him. the sooner you accept this, the better able you will be to prevent unnecessary frustration in your life.
i don't really understand how you guys are still living together after filing in september...that's five months...why the delay in separating living spaces?
Member
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Memphis, TN
Posts: 2,884
I have given up on trying to understand why anyone does anything, alcoholic or not. Heck, I don't even understand a lot of the stuff I do.
Do whats right for you and the kids. Trust your higher power / inner wisdom, it won't let you down and will show you the next right thing to do.
Your friend,
Do whats right for you and the kids. Trust your higher power / inner wisdom, it won't let you down and will show you the next right thing to do.
Your friend,
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
