feelingalone43

First, let me say that I am thankful for everyone here. That being said, please understand that I don't believe that what may work for one will always work for another. We have to find our own way, with support from wherever we can find it.

I am finding that the more self-confidence, self-motivation, and independence that I exhibit, the less my AH drinks. It's like he understands that "if you want to be sober, I am happy to share in your life. If you want to drink, go share it with someone who doesn't mind how you are when you're drunk."

I plan, for now, to stay in my home and continue to be the best me that I can be. This is what is working for me today. That may change, who knows, but this forum is for sharing our personal experiences, so there is mine.

Please remember, there is no abuse here to me or my children.

suki44883

I'm not sure anyone can disagree with what you said. Makes sense to me. The main thing is that you and your children are safe and happy. Believe it or not, there are a lot of success stories out there. Many post here on SR. I hope you and your family become another one.

inpieces314

I agree with what you said. In my case, he goes out and drinks, but then his friends end up getting mad at him because of how stupid he acts. Of course he blames me, but I know that isn't true. His best friend, also an alcoholic, came to my house when he wasn't here to tell me what really happened the other night when they got into a huge fight. He said he needs to man up, and of course, my boyfriend got mad. Ok, fine, but when you have no friends left because they are all tired of your behavior, you only have yourself to blame. It's a hard lesson to learn, and it needs to be done.

So I definitely agree with you. It's like they feed on all that crap about negativity and anger, and it's like an excuse for them to go drink. Well, go do it somewhere else, with someone who cares. No one needs that around their kids.

theuncertainty

As Suki says, I don't think any one would disagree with the OP. However, I don't get the feeling that F&F members say that we're all the same, we very clearly aren't. (The song Rock Star by Hole comes to mind: We look the same, we talk the same...) What I think is that some of the events, tones of the stories - or a subset of stories - are similar. Those who can emphatically relate to a story will be the ones who tend to respond to queries for ES&H.

For example: I very rarely respond to posters who state that their A is functioning, is generally pleasant to be around, maintains all his/her responsibilities, because XAH was none of those things. I would most likely not related to the question that poster has, so beyond being able to offer hugs or a shoulder, I'd have no experience to share. Maybe if I thought back to the beginning of the relationship with XAH, I could, but at this point, the final years are more vivid.

For what it's worth, I think of myself as a success story, too, but mine just doesn't include XAH anymore.

Tuffgirl

Hhhmmm...I have been hit and miss here the past week...did I miss something? ; )

There is a difference between "same" and "similar". Sometimes folks use the word interchangeably without meaning to imply anything.

And I don't judge you or anyone else for staying. leaving, or singing in the shower. If you feel you have been judged unfairly here, I do apologize for that (no its not my responsibility I know) but this is a place for us to share, vent, and find and/or give support to each other.

I am still married to my RAH. He's been in recovery for over a year now. Sometimes it works out, sometimes it doesn't. Good luck to you and your family. I hope for you, it works! Take good care.

MTSlideAddict

Hello. I wanted to share my experience with you, as my situation is as yours is and is uncommon. I currently am living with my recovering alcoholic husband. It works for us-- for me. My situation is not perfect, and we both are working on ourselves. The reason why it works so well for us is that despite the alcohol we had little problems. We always have got along great. We laugh, enjoy each other’s company, poke fun, and work together great. We have heart-to-heart talks and become each other’s support. Now, our relationship is not perfect, and at times I find myself withdrawn filled with resentment and worry, but others I am truly happy. I am working on that, but for now my situation works as is.

I agree. Not every situation is the same and there is not a one answer to all. Keep doing what is right for you. That is the important thing. I take in the advice given by others and apply what I think fits to my situation and my thought process.

lillamy

That is wonderful!!! It was the exact opposite for me -- so see, we're not all alike.

feelingalone43

Wow. No wonder I love this site. Thank you all for your support.

Cyranoak

Thanks for sharing your post.

That said, there is 80 years and thousands of success stories that say a certain thing works for an enormous number of people an enormous amount of the time.

Feeling like we are different and unique is often one of the things that often gets us, and keeps us, in trouble. And, not examining exactly why we are defensive about any given thing also helps to get us, and keep us, in trouble.

I wish you and yours the best, but would argue that more damage is being done to your children than you realize. That's informed by 13 years of experience raising a child with a drunk, 9 years in Alanon, and a couple of years being active on this board as both a reader and participant.

Take care, take what you want, and leave the rest.

Cyranoak

choublak

I don't know why a lot of people fly the flag for compartmentalizing and putting people into a certain box. Because it's not realistic. It's the easiest thing to do, maybe, but if we do that I think we're going to shoot ourselves in the foot because life is evolving way too fast for that. Information, advances in technology, spending so much money on medical research, all lead to us opening up and becoming knowledgeable or whatever. I don't know why a lot of people say ALL alcoholics do this or that or the other, when it doesn't reflect reality at all. On a very simple level, I was at a pizza place down the street several months ago eating dinner with my mom and BF. Our waitress made a comment about my long hair, how hers used to be long but she cut it off, and how her 10-year-old daughter liked it long better. Turns out, this waitress is actually in the same recovery class as my BF and she had brought her resume to the class for people to look at it and offer suggestions, etc. I also have six uncles who are alcoholics in recovery. Six. That's a hand plus a finger.

I will say that there are more young people searching for sobriety, than there used to be. It's slowly but surely evolving, which is a good thing. I do think age can sometimes make a difference in someone's chances of finding recovery, as can their childhood home life, etc.

BTW I don't have kids nor do I plan on having any anytime soon. I think one thing with my mom having so many siblings (11), the cousins in "my" generation have seen the good, the bad and the ugly when it comes to child rearing, so for the most part (based on what the cousins currently of "breeding age" have said), we're all more or less ambivalent at best about having children, it's like, thanks but no thanks.

Willybluedog

I read the original post as (If my children are not being beaten then they are not being hurt, negatively affected, damaged, etc.) and that the poster was upset that people thought she should leave because her children were being hurt by being raised in a home with an alcoholic.

My thought is that if your kids are being raised in a home with an alcoholic or drug addict that they are indeed being damaged, and research bears this out, this is not "opinion" nor is it "conjecture" it is accepted as "fact".

My opinion is if you are an adult and choose to stay in a relationship with an addict that is your perogative, but when you bring children into the world, they are owed the safest, most functional, most peaceful upbringing that can be given to them, and if you continue to ignore the facts, don't be suprised or mad when in the future your children call you out for not protecting.

I called my father out for not getting us away from our alcoholic mother and I will continue to do so, he does not deserve absolution for the choices he made, we deserved better and he failed us.

My father does not deserve peaceful dreams, he tells me he begged god for a child, but yet he went off to work each day and left me with an acid tongued alcoholic who destroyed my self-esteem, I would rather have never been born, or been born to a parent who cared enough to take me away from that environment.

lillamy

Thinking that "I'm different" was what ruined AXH's one attempt at recovery: He was so much better than the other drunks in the program. Because he hadn't done X, Y, and Z. It was also what made me minimize the problems. Which kept the marriage together until the disease progressed.

Just like addicts have different thresholds for when they hit bottom -- some do it when their spouse says "I can't do this anymore"; others die without ever reaching that point -- as spouses, we also have different points-of-no-return, and different boundaries for what we are willing to put up with. Some spouses stay, others don't -- and everyone needs to make their own choice.

I had a pastor once who said that anyone who can be talked into faith can be talked out of it. I think that's true of addicts and their recovery as well as loved ones and their recovery. The decision has to come from within.

Impurrfect

I'm both an RA and recovering codie. Though I'm not the same as everyone else in either aspect, I do know there are a lot of similarities. I've read here, "all addicts do that" and have even said "that's what addicts do" many times myself. That's just my perspective. It used to bother me when someone would lump all A's into one negative pile but it no longer bothers me - most people here know me, I'm not the person I was when I was using.

I don't think we see that many success stories here because we usually come here when we're hurting, we don't know what to do. I'm sure there are many out there that are doing fine and just don't feel the need to come back. Others do come back and update.

My feeling is, I come here to learn how to be at peace with me and my life, regardless of who is around me or what is going on. I think I was born a codie, so it's taken some time. I'm glad things are working out for you.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

choublak

I just find stereotyping annoying, whatever it is about. It doesn't have to be about alcoholism.

My mom is from the northeast US and my dad is from the south. In either place I am asked what I consider to be stupid questions like, "do you play golf?" "do you live out in the middle of cornfields?" or "do you like to eat cheese steaks?" "is your family Amish?" and it got old a long time ago. Fairly recently I was talking to someone on another forum (not SR) who was a recovering alcoholic. I mentioned that I had a boyfriend with a drinking problem and right off the bat they were like "does he physically abuse you?" "were you raised in an alcoholic household?"

Obviously, things are a whole different beast when you throw children in there.

What I am about to say is going to come across as judgmental to some of you. It is how I myself feel though, I promise I am not judging any of you.

Having been with an active alcoholic, I cannot understand for the life of me what would possess someone to be like, "things are going downhill between us, and you're always drunk...let's make a kid!"

I know it doesn't happen exactly like that, and as I said before, not passing judgment on anyone...I have ADHD, maybe that has something to do with it...

lillamy

"Stereotypes" to me means "untrue and ignorant generalizations".

Stereotypes are annoying.

But there's usually an underlying reason generalizations exist. Doesn't mean everyone is exactly like, or even remotely like, the generalization. Some are just plain wrong, and based on ignorance (like "alcoholics smell bad and live under bridges"). Others are true for most people in a group (like "alcoholics have a hard time understanding that their drinking causes a problem for other people").

I have a good friend whose husband is a RA. He's been sober for ten years, give or take. Know what it took for him to get sober? It took his wife, calling him at work at 3 pm, hearing he was drunk, and saying "Get. Help." and hang up. That was it. That was all it took. He went straight to an AA meeting and hasn't had a drink since. He does his two meetings a week (more when he feels he needs it), never had a relapse. Didn't miss a day of work, didn't miss one ballgame, was never belligerent to the family, just got drunk at lunch, shuffled through the afternoon, came home and was grinning stupidly all evening. And it took two words for him to realize he had a problem and do something about it.

He's the only A I've ever heard who's done that. Most of what I say in generalizations is not true about him. But it's true for most As I know and hear about, here and at Al-Anon.

I think we use generalizations to know that what we're experiencing in dealing with our A is fairly normal for alcoholic families. Because we feel abnormal compared to normal people. And having a place to feel surrounded by people with similar experiences is important to everyone.

mattparadise

Makes sense. What works for one person does not work for another. Wish you the best.

shanta1

It makes sense to me that we all find our ways of coping. My ABF is trying to give up and get sober, he is not abusive in any way but does go off and put himself in danger. My way of dealing is to carry on as normal and try not o get upset about it. I know it is not my fault and I cannot control him, he will find his own way to get sober or won't. There will be a breaking point to our relationship if he carries on. I'm just not sure yet what it'll be. So do what is best for you and your family but remember there are people who care and will isten. Good luck with everything x