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Desperation--how do I find the strength?

Old 02-09-2012, 04:16 AM
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Desperation--how do I find the strength?

My life is a mess. I have drank since teens and have drank regularly since I was about 26. Obviously stress and pain precipitate my need to mask the pain. Not a good childhood; both parents alcoholics. My ex-husband and I partied pretty regularly for years. He could control it, I couldn't. It was a source of contention with him, but he didn't let me have it, unless he was unhappy about something--which was pretty much all the time. Our relationship didn't help matters. And I drank more and more over the years. I am 50 this week. Depressing. Speaking of which, I've gone through severe depression for oh about going on 8 years. Left him had an affair got divorced, lost my job; unemployed for 9 months--then he died suddenly of a heart attack. Went into severe depression with so much guilt remorse, and sadness. I'm still depressed. I don't have any zest for life. I dwell on the past and want our life back. Too late. I'm having nips in the morning to face the day because I dread the day. I hate my job but obviously have no choice. I'm scared to death I willl lose my job. I'm in sales and the pressure is too much. I have quit for only 3 months a couple of years ago and a month in July. I drink more than a pint of vodka a day. Vicious cycle. I did feel better when I quit, but that hasn't been enough to take the step. I am talking with an old friend from years ago, and he's probably --surely a in worse shape than I am. We aren't romantically involved--he doesn't appeal to me at all. I find him weak because he's an alcoholic.. Oh the irony. Does the site alert you to responses? I posted a month or do ago and didn't get an alert. I'm looking for encouragement. I know I have to find the strength within ME. I'm so lonely and as it goes, alcohol is my best friend. I'm sitting here ready to call into work. I don't care, yet if I lose my job, I'll surely lose everything!! I'm still attractive in my decrepit age, yet who would want me? Men have, but I'm not interested in them, lately the old friend is clamping for a relationship. I'm not attracted to him at all. And wouldn't that be a good combo. I've told him he is in a sad state and pitiful. Can you imagine? He is though he posts pathetic messages on Facebook--and it's quite apparent he is an alcoholic. Ha I choose to live in my own world and appear strong. Ha! Always have appeared strong. How do I set an alert. I forgot where I posted before. Just have to remember where I posted?
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Old 02-09-2012, 04:26 AM
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Thanks for sharing. I hope you will find a way through your present difficulties and can use this site for support. Fifty is not old. You have plenty of potential in front of you. You can stop drinking and as you say you managed a good period of sobriety before when you felt better. Alcohol is a depressant and if you are drinking (at least) a bottle of vodka per day and starting in the morning, then clearly it's going to have an affect on your mind. I suspect you were feeling rather confused when you posted this because you kept repeating yourself.

Everyone here will put the same question to you. What are you actually going to do to stop drinking? What programme are you going to follow? It's not going to happen by chance or by some miracle from above. You're going to need to do some work on it.

But you can do it. And we're here to help.
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Old 02-09-2012, 04:39 AM
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You can find all your previous posts by clicking on your name to the left of your post, then clicking on the blue tab that says "Find more posts by Ads62".

I don't believe the board sends you alerts when someone posts to your threads.

You have two other threads you've started; one has 15 replies and one has 95.

I wish you the best. Getting yourself to out-patient rehab would be a good idea. I did that and really benefited.
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Old 02-09-2012, 05:36 AM
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Thank you for coming here and sharing your story. I feel like you will continue to be here with us and share recovery as well.

I am near your age, and SO totally identify with so much of what you have shared.

You already know that the strength is within you, that is a wonderful start, you talk about finding it. I suggest that you accept that it is there and that it bubbles to the surface as you need it. Think of it this way, some of us spend thirty minutes rushing about the house tearing things apart looking for our glasses, only to realize they are on our face!

Here is another thought, scary I know, but I believe it to be true. In order for things to change, you have to be willing to let what we have go. Ugh.

I fought that, fought it hard. Wanted recovery AND keep as much of the rest of my life as I could. Now I am seeing that letting go of things had allowed me to recover, and inevitably new things do come along. Sometimes I ask myself what I would have done had I lost everything in a house fire...would I move forward, accept it and start again? Of course I would, I'd be sad, but I'd move forward. But somehow I think that I should be able to hang onto my old life and things etc.

I tell myself that I lost them through a "house fire" and even lost myself crawling about in the smoke...but I survived and can move on, and not spend the rest of my life trying to hand on to people and situations that really weren't working out anyway.

I lost my career, got another job, the plant closed, had to have major abdominal surgery, was told by my husband not to come home anymore...lost my things, pets, financial security, community (was 2000 miles away for a job) and in spite of that here I am, in recovery and moving forward.

Life is what it is going to be. We can work with it, or struggle against it. The less I struggle and accept things and take the next logical step, the better my days are.

It's a learning process, because old habits and thinking processes take awhile to change. And there are days I am paralyzed because I know my old way of dealing with things isn't the answer, but I haven't yet figured out a new one. So I sit on it until things get better.

You have a tangle on your hands right now, to be certain, and I can understand your feeling defeated, but taking one thing and one day at a time you can turn your life around.

Please stay here, and be willing to try a new way. You will never be sorry that you did.
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Old 02-09-2012, 05:40 AM
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Hi ads62.

The strength you are looking for is actually easy to find. You can find it with HIM, GOD. If you don't know where to find HIM, then it is again easy. Read the Bible and Pray to him. At time you are depressed, HE was there. At times you felt so down, HE was there. H e was only waiting for you to call him. HE knows that you feel, your suffering, everything.

If you find HIM and the strength in HIM, no doubt that you will then be back with HIS enlightenment on you.

Take courage. Ask and you shall receive.
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Old 02-09-2012, 05:51 AM
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Fifty is anything but old. Get that out of your head. I would strongly urge you to see a physician familiar with alcoholism and have them perscribe some anti-depressant. I was on Lexapro for a while but it stopped being effective. I got switched to Pristiq and have been depression free since. It helped me break the alcohol cycle. Those of us with "dual-diagnosis" have to treat both issues at the same time. One feeds off the other. In order to break free we need to deal with both.

The way to keep track of threads is to subscribe to them. When you are viewing a thread, you can subscribe to it under the link "Thread tools" at the top. You can get to your subscribed links through "Quick Links" or "User CP" (links across the top). There is also a link there "My Posts" that will take you to all your posts - most recent to least recent. Hope that helps.

Last edited by Charon; 02-09-2012 at 06:02 AM. Reason: spelling & add information
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