The booze battle
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The booze battle
In 1976, Ruth Maxwell, a well-known expert on alcoholism as well as a recovering alcoholic, published a book titled "The Booze Battle."
It is currently out of print. But it has some powerfully good advice.
Here are some passages:
"Alcoholics are dependent people. They are psychologically dependent and eventually physically dependent upon people close to them. This is true in spite of the alcoholic's behavior, which frequently appears to be quite independent, especially when he blusters, berates, abuses, threatens, and leaves home for periods of time.
Alcoholics cannot stand alone. Out of their needs they grant power to the people closest to them. Therefore the meaningful people in the lives of alcoholics can either perpetuate the disease or initiate recovery."
"It is not easy to be involved with an alcoholic. Perpetuating the disease spells destruction for all involved. Taking steps to initiate recovery is also painful for all involved, yet it is the only route which holds promise for something better."
"START concentrating on your OWN actions. Let go of what the alcoholic is doing. Stop blaming him for everything. It is your actions and reactions which will make you or break you, not what the alcoholic does."
"Let him drink as much and as often as he pleases, whenever he pleases. He's going to anyway! Any of your attempts to stop him or control him will fail. Your attempts at control will give him the 'justification' he's looking for to continue drinking.
Each time he drinks to excess, causing suffering to himself or others, indicates his need for treatment. Offer treatment at these times, but do it when he's sober. If he's drunk he will not listen. Offer treatment when he's hurting; do not offer treatment when he has himself all put together again. That's too late.
Whenever he either agrees to treatment or asks for it, get him to it immediately. Given any time at all, he'll talk himself and you right out of it.
Have AA phone numbers to call; have at hand numbers of alcoholism counseling services and know of hospitals that treat alcoholics."
YOU NO LONGER HAVE TO RESCUE THE ALCOHOLIC.
"Every crisis caused by his drinking is an opportunity for him to receive the message from reality telling him, 'Your drinking is out of control. Your life is unmanageable.' He cannot get well until he receives that message. If you want him to get the message, stop intercepting it; stop rescuing!"
"Stop living your life as if you were walking on eggs. Your alcoholic's going to drink no matter what you do. Your pussyfooting around makes you dependent upon him; it makes it easier for him to drink and wield power over you.
Renew old friendships and begin new ones. The more you become a shadow of the sick alcoholic, the greater your destruction and the easier it is for him to continue drinking."
"Say what you mean and mean what you say, and if you say it, DO IT. Only then will the alcoholic begin to believe you. Threats diminish you! Threats feed into the alcoholic's grandiosity and help to keep him from feeling his need to change."
START REJECTING PROMISES.
"It isn't fair to ask for promises. The alcoholic can't keep them. Broken promises heighten his sense of inadequacy and cause him to feel unworthy of help. Refuse to accept his promises. By not accepting them, you are telling him he is too sick for that."
ALCOHOLISM IS NOT A MORAL ISSUE.
"It's a disease! Go for your OWN treatment and keep going when he tries to stop you. Your seeking treatment will represent to him a loss of control over you and he will feel threatened. He will ridicule you, or threaten you, or plead with you or complain about you. Don't stop!
Your getting help shows your alcoholic that you care for him, that there is help available, that he is worthy of help and can be helped."
"He's beyond your lectures and sermons! They will only serve to make the alcoholic feel more defensive and inadequate. To be receptive to treatment, he must feel less defensive, and he must feel worthy of help."
"Facts are facts. Report the facts of the alcoholic's behavior to him the next day when he's sober, then drop the subject. As you report his behavior, he will put the blame elsewhere. Don't let him! Bring it back to him. Offer him the opportunity to see someone about the problems so solutions can be investigated. If he refuses, end the discussion. It can be reopened next time."
DO NOT LET HIM ASSAULT YOU.
"He does not have that right. Don't give it to him. Have him jailed if necessary. Leave him if necessary. Physical abuse destroys both of you. Go to any lengths to avoid it."
YOU NO LONGER HAVE TO BE A PUPPET.
"Stop jumping every time he pulls a string. When you act like his puppet, you give him control and make him feels he's O.K. He's not O.K. He's dying. He can't see that he's sick if you act as if he's well!
By responding to his demands, threats, pleadings, anger--any of his manipulations--with either acquiescence or emotional outbursts, you allow him to make you do things you don't want to do. You make him your manager.
He actually needs you to blow up and to be fearful of him or for him. He goes out of his way to get you to lose your cool, to justify his drinking.
If you concentrate on what is right for you, he no longer controls you. The alcoholic is forced to respond to your changes with changes of his own. The odds are he'll choose sobriety."
"Be prepared for flak from your alcoholic as you begin doing new things, acting in new ways. He will want you the way you were and will be very resistant to your changes. He will feel threatened because he knows that if you maintain your changes, he's going to have to change, and he does not want to change."
"You will be able to measure the effects of your new actions only in retrospect, after you've been performing them for several months. Concentrate only on today, not yesterday, not tomorrow.
It's all up to you. Your actions can either cause you to grow, bringing a resurgence of self-confidence and peace of mind, or they can cause you to suffer further. Your actions as well can either perpetuate your alcoholic's disease or make possible his recovery.
Alcoholics can get weller than well and so can their spouses.
You can become beautiful and free."
It is currently out of print. But it has some powerfully good advice.
Here are some passages:
"Alcoholics are dependent people. They are psychologically dependent and eventually physically dependent upon people close to them. This is true in spite of the alcoholic's behavior, which frequently appears to be quite independent, especially when he blusters, berates, abuses, threatens, and leaves home for periods of time.
Alcoholics cannot stand alone. Out of their needs they grant power to the people closest to them. Therefore the meaningful people in the lives of alcoholics can either perpetuate the disease or initiate recovery."
"It is not easy to be involved with an alcoholic. Perpetuating the disease spells destruction for all involved. Taking steps to initiate recovery is also painful for all involved, yet it is the only route which holds promise for something better."
"START concentrating on your OWN actions. Let go of what the alcoholic is doing. Stop blaming him for everything. It is your actions and reactions which will make you or break you, not what the alcoholic does."
"Let him drink as much and as often as he pleases, whenever he pleases. He's going to anyway! Any of your attempts to stop him or control him will fail. Your attempts at control will give him the 'justification' he's looking for to continue drinking.
Each time he drinks to excess, causing suffering to himself or others, indicates his need for treatment. Offer treatment at these times, but do it when he's sober. If he's drunk he will not listen. Offer treatment when he's hurting; do not offer treatment when he has himself all put together again. That's too late.
Whenever he either agrees to treatment or asks for it, get him to it immediately. Given any time at all, he'll talk himself and you right out of it.
Have AA phone numbers to call; have at hand numbers of alcoholism counseling services and know of hospitals that treat alcoholics."
YOU NO LONGER HAVE TO RESCUE THE ALCOHOLIC.
"Every crisis caused by his drinking is an opportunity for him to receive the message from reality telling him, 'Your drinking is out of control. Your life is unmanageable.' He cannot get well until he receives that message. If you want him to get the message, stop intercepting it; stop rescuing!"
"Stop living your life as if you were walking on eggs. Your alcoholic's going to drink no matter what you do. Your pussyfooting around makes you dependent upon him; it makes it easier for him to drink and wield power over you.
Renew old friendships and begin new ones. The more you become a shadow of the sick alcoholic, the greater your destruction and the easier it is for him to continue drinking."
"Say what you mean and mean what you say, and if you say it, DO IT. Only then will the alcoholic begin to believe you. Threats diminish you! Threats feed into the alcoholic's grandiosity and help to keep him from feeling his need to change."
START REJECTING PROMISES.
"It isn't fair to ask for promises. The alcoholic can't keep them. Broken promises heighten his sense of inadequacy and cause him to feel unworthy of help. Refuse to accept his promises. By not accepting them, you are telling him he is too sick for that."
ALCOHOLISM IS NOT A MORAL ISSUE.
"It's a disease! Go for your OWN treatment and keep going when he tries to stop you. Your seeking treatment will represent to him a loss of control over you and he will feel threatened. He will ridicule you, or threaten you, or plead with you or complain about you. Don't stop!
Your getting help shows your alcoholic that you care for him, that there is help available, that he is worthy of help and can be helped."
"He's beyond your lectures and sermons! They will only serve to make the alcoholic feel more defensive and inadequate. To be receptive to treatment, he must feel less defensive, and he must feel worthy of help."
"Facts are facts. Report the facts of the alcoholic's behavior to him the next day when he's sober, then drop the subject. As you report his behavior, he will put the blame elsewhere. Don't let him! Bring it back to him. Offer him the opportunity to see someone about the problems so solutions can be investigated. If he refuses, end the discussion. It can be reopened next time."
DO NOT LET HIM ASSAULT YOU.
"He does not have that right. Don't give it to him. Have him jailed if necessary. Leave him if necessary. Physical abuse destroys both of you. Go to any lengths to avoid it."
YOU NO LONGER HAVE TO BE A PUPPET.
"Stop jumping every time he pulls a string. When you act like his puppet, you give him control and make him feels he's O.K. He's not O.K. He's dying. He can't see that he's sick if you act as if he's well!
By responding to his demands, threats, pleadings, anger--any of his manipulations--with either acquiescence or emotional outbursts, you allow him to make you do things you don't want to do. You make him your manager.
He actually needs you to blow up and to be fearful of him or for him. He goes out of his way to get you to lose your cool, to justify his drinking.
If you concentrate on what is right for you, he no longer controls you. The alcoholic is forced to respond to your changes with changes of his own. The odds are he'll choose sobriety."
"Be prepared for flak from your alcoholic as you begin doing new things, acting in new ways. He will want you the way you were and will be very resistant to your changes. He will feel threatened because he knows that if you maintain your changes, he's going to have to change, and he does not want to change."
"You will be able to measure the effects of your new actions only in retrospect, after you've been performing them for several months. Concentrate only on today, not yesterday, not tomorrow.
It's all up to you. Your actions can either cause you to grow, bringing a resurgence of self-confidence and peace of mind, or they can cause you to suffer further. Your actions as well can either perpetuate your alcoholic's disease or make possible his recovery.
Alcoholics can get weller than well and so can their spouses.
You can become beautiful and free."
Member
Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 4
Thank you English Garden for this post...just when I think things are getting better - SPLAT - here comes reality back in my face, ugly underbelly and all...My AH seems absolutely bewildered by the fact that I have expressed a need to go seek my own therapy to deal with this rollercoaster. THIS IS MY PROBLEM he says and he has no clue how his alcoholism has affected our family. Then I become SELFISH in his eyes and the perception then becomes that I don't care about him or support him in the right way.
He's not physically abusive, but verbally manipulative and stubborn as hell. He's seeking treatment with a psychiatrist and bobs in and out of meetings, but is still trying to find his place and connection to AA. Still a lot better than months ago, however I find myself getting stuck in the following situations - any suggestions you or anyone for that matter can offer would be helpful (what do I do or NOT do):
- He says he's going to a meeting, but changes his mind at the last minute
- I come home to smell or find he's drinking
- How do I NOT try to control everything?
He's not physically abusive, but verbally manipulative and stubborn as hell. He's seeking treatment with a psychiatrist and bobs in and out of meetings, but is still trying to find his place and connection to AA. Still a lot better than months ago, however I find myself getting stuck in the following situations - any suggestions you or anyone for that matter can offer would be helpful (what do I do or NOT do):
- He says he's going to a meeting, but changes his mind at the last minute
- I come home to smell or find he's drinking
- How do I NOT try to control everything?
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Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: right here, right now
Posts: 6,516
Wow. That was powerful. And something I still needed to read, almost two years after leaving. Especially the "puppet" part. I still have to learn to not react every time he contacts me.
Thank you.
Thank you.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: new moon road
Posts: 1,545
Grace4,
My heart goes out to you. I was married to a severe alcoholic many years ago and it was a painful, chaotic, soul-depleting life for me.
My son was 5 when I married this man (not realizing he was an alcoholic, they hide it well until after the wedding--it took me a year of marriage to realize he was a drunk) and my son was 7 when I left the marriage. Two years of my son's precious childhood.
Knowing what I know now of alcoholism, I would not have stayed in the marriage if--within six months of practicing the behaviors suggested by the experts--my husband had not entered treatment and absolutely sobered up. I would not put any child through years of trauma while waiting to see if the new actions by the spouse led the alcoholic to sober up.
It is pretty impossible for a spouse to practice what the experts recommend--a complete change in behavior in the usual pattern of rescuing, lecturing, pleading, bargaining--without ongoing daily support, usually in the form of a sponsor in Al-Anon and meetings 2-3 times a week, and counseling once a week. The disease and the alcoholic are just too powerful to face alone.
I have known some women who joined Al-Anon and their husbands did eventually get sober. But the women had to separate physically from them temporarily, as the pain of living with an alcoholic was too much for them.
I think that what everyone agrees on is that the usual universal responses to alcoholism--the rescuing, lecturing, threats without action, etc--absolutely do nothing except feed the addiction.
Please do not be alone in your suffering, Grace. Seek help for you.
My heart goes out to you. I was married to a severe alcoholic many years ago and it was a painful, chaotic, soul-depleting life for me.
My son was 5 when I married this man (not realizing he was an alcoholic, they hide it well until after the wedding--it took me a year of marriage to realize he was a drunk) and my son was 7 when I left the marriage. Two years of my son's precious childhood.
Knowing what I know now of alcoholism, I would not have stayed in the marriage if--within six months of practicing the behaviors suggested by the experts--my husband had not entered treatment and absolutely sobered up. I would not put any child through years of trauma while waiting to see if the new actions by the spouse led the alcoholic to sober up.
It is pretty impossible for a spouse to practice what the experts recommend--a complete change in behavior in the usual pattern of rescuing, lecturing, pleading, bargaining--without ongoing daily support, usually in the form of a sponsor in Al-Anon and meetings 2-3 times a week, and counseling once a week. The disease and the alcoholic are just too powerful to face alone.
I have known some women who joined Al-Anon and their husbands did eventually get sober. But the women had to separate physically from them temporarily, as the pain of living with an alcoholic was too much for them.
I think that what everyone agrees on is that the usual universal responses to alcoholism--the rescuing, lecturing, threats without action, etc--absolutely do nothing except feed the addiction.
Please do not be alone in your suffering, Grace. Seek help for you.
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