social anxiety
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 7
social anxiety
Hi, social anxiety has been a problem since I was a kid. I used to hide in rooms or go for long walks alone whenever extended family called. Immediate family - my mother and step-father especially - would shoot me down or ridicule me often whenever I tried expressing myself/thoughts. so I just withdrew, and kept this pattern of thinking I was less than and small, and that people in general would be out to laugh at me and hurt me if I let them too close.
OK, so I understand all that stuff now, the patterns and their causes. I can see how I've previously been codependant and how I've often used alcohol as an effective way of getting rid of my social anxiety. It works - but the trouble is I can become annoying, argumentative etc. And if someone offends me when I'm drunk I can get pretty broody or violent. Then people understandably don't want me around anyway! I don't want to use alcohol and have it discolour my personality anymore . . .
The problem I'm dealing with right now is that I don't have any other way of dealing with large social gatherings, or social things with people I don't know and trust. I get so nervous, smoke too much, drink so many cups of tea it's odd. When people notice and make jokes/comments about my nervousness the old patterns are still there, ingrained in my biochemistry - I panic, blush, shake, blurt out stupid things that don't represent who I am, clam up, sweat like hell or get shirty and surly out of defensiveness. I'm thrty-eight, so people are like, "what the hell is that guy's problem?" I can't sustain that kind of stress too long so it's affected my professional as well as social life. Alcohol was my crutch, but without it I'm a complete social cripple! I'm not feeling sorry for myself, just don't know what to do about it.
As an adult I feel i can't avoid these kinds of social things, even though i'm on a sickness benefit because of it and don't have to work full time. My jobs aren't too socially intense. I know I could be doing a whole lot better though and feel frustrated at not reaching my potential in life. I have to get on in the world, that's how i feel about it. But i don't know how to change this problem which underlies the temptation to drink.
I guess I'm on the right path and it's getting better with time, I hope. BUT .. .
If anyone else has experienced similar, are there any things/tactics you've found for coping with strangers and large social events?
Should I give myself a break and just avoid these things? even if it means offending others? I don't really want to go but there are lots of things/responsibilities in life we don't want to do but have to, aren't there? What are your thoughts?
OK, so I understand all that stuff now, the patterns and their causes. I can see how I've previously been codependant and how I've often used alcohol as an effective way of getting rid of my social anxiety. It works - but the trouble is I can become annoying, argumentative etc. And if someone offends me when I'm drunk I can get pretty broody or violent. Then people understandably don't want me around anyway! I don't want to use alcohol and have it discolour my personality anymore . . .
The problem I'm dealing with right now is that I don't have any other way of dealing with large social gatherings, or social things with people I don't know and trust. I get so nervous, smoke too much, drink so many cups of tea it's odd. When people notice and make jokes/comments about my nervousness the old patterns are still there, ingrained in my biochemistry - I panic, blush, shake, blurt out stupid things that don't represent who I am, clam up, sweat like hell or get shirty and surly out of defensiveness. I'm thrty-eight, so people are like, "what the hell is that guy's problem?" I can't sustain that kind of stress too long so it's affected my professional as well as social life. Alcohol was my crutch, but without it I'm a complete social cripple! I'm not feeling sorry for myself, just don't know what to do about it.
As an adult I feel i can't avoid these kinds of social things, even though i'm on a sickness benefit because of it and don't have to work full time. My jobs aren't too socially intense. I know I could be doing a whole lot better though and feel frustrated at not reaching my potential in life. I have to get on in the world, that's how i feel about it. But i don't know how to change this problem which underlies the temptation to drink.
I guess I'm on the right path and it's getting better with time, I hope. BUT .. .
If anyone else has experienced similar, are there any things/tactics you've found for coping with strangers and large social events?
Should I give myself a break and just avoid these things? even if it means offending others? I don't really want to go but there are lots of things/responsibilities in life we don't want to do but have to, aren't there? What are your thoughts?
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,491
Hi,
I have social anxiety too. I can only tell you what worked for me, and that is, that I don't go out in large groups very often, nor do I socialize with people I don't know well. I was a military wife for 22 years and my life involved constant socializing with people I didn't know, and it never did get much easier for me. Now, I only push myself occasionally, and if others don't like it, that's too bad. I turned to alcohol too, to help me deal with the anxiety and depression and I know it's not worth it to try to be something I am not.
I have social anxiety too. I can only tell you what worked for me, and that is, that I don't go out in large groups very often, nor do I socialize with people I don't know well. I was a military wife for 22 years and my life involved constant socializing with people I didn't know, and it never did get much easier for me. Now, I only push myself occasionally, and if others don't like it, that's too bad. I turned to alcohol too, to help me deal with the anxiety and depression and I know it's not worth it to try to be something I am not.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 19
I have social anxiety as well, and I can't say I know of a cure except maybe some anti anxiety meds or something. But the last thing you need to do is hole up and avoid people. That will just slowly increase your fears when you go out in public. I'd maybe go talk to a therapist.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Between Meetings
Posts: 8,997
Originally Posted by Astrosmurf 
are there any things/tactics you've found for coping with strangers and large social events?
SR Fan
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Mississippi
Posts: 7,910
I spent the whole first year pretty much focused on staying sober, and for me that meant turning down social situations where I knew I'd be uncomfortable - especially if there was alcohol there.
I think it's important to take baby steps, too. Set a goal that you know is manageable (kinda like staying sober for the next 24 hours) so that when you achieve it, you feel like you're making progress.......
I like to ask people questions about themselves when I feel awkward - it seems to work and helps me take my mind off myself, too.
I think it's important to take baby steps, too. Set a goal that you know is manageable (kinda like staying sober for the next 24 hours) so that when you achieve it, you feel like you're making progress.......
I like to ask people questions about themselves when I feel awkward - it seems to work and helps me take my mind off myself, too.
Peace, Love, Sobriety
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Wilmington, DE
Posts: 1,549
You just posted a mirror to my life. I have grown up with that horrible anxiety all my life, and finally being an adult now I have realized that i cant just drink it away anymore.
This is going to sound totally crazy, but it has been working for me. I have been facing my fears. You have to start out in small steps, very small. Do something you would not normally do because of anxiety. For example i started out simply by saying hello to the mailman or someone else. Get myself used to speaking to people.
Then I forced myself to go to an AA meeting. I know, large group of strange people, omg omg omg im gonna freak out. Well at first I did, but then I sat and listened to the people and when it came around to my turn i just said "hello, im new, id like to just listen" and that was that.
i still mostly just listen but i have spoken a small bit since starting and it has helped me tremendously.
This is going to sound totally crazy, but it has been working for me. I have been facing my fears. You have to start out in small steps, very small. Do something you would not normally do because of anxiety. For example i started out simply by saying hello to the mailman or someone else. Get myself used to speaking to people.
Then I forced myself to go to an AA meeting. I know, large group of strange people, omg omg omg im gonna freak out. Well at first I did, but then I sat and listened to the people and when it came around to my turn i just said "hello, im new, id like to just listen" and that was that.
i still mostly just listen but i have spoken a small bit since starting and it has helped me tremendously.
Peace, Love, Sobriety
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Wilmington, DE
Posts: 1,549
You just posted a mirror to my life. I have grown up with that horrible anxiety all my life, and finally being an adult now I have realized that i cant just drink it away anymore.
This is going to sound totally crazy, but it has been working for me. I have been facing my fears. You have to start out in small steps, very small. Do something you would not normally do because of anxiety. For example i started out simply by saying hello to the mailman or someone else. Get myself used to speaking to people.
Then I forced myself to go to an AA meeting. I know, large group of strange people, omg omg omg im gonna freak out. Well at first I did, but then I sat and listened to the people and when it came around to my turn i just said "hello, im new, id like to just listen" and that was that. i still mostly just listen but i have spoken a small bit since starting and it has helped me tremendously.
This is going to sound totally crazy, but it has been working for me. I have been facing my fears. You have to start out in small steps, very small. Do something you would not normally do because of anxiety. For example i started out simply by saying hello to the mailman or someone else. Get myself used to speaking to people.
Then I forced myself to go to an AA meeting. I know, large group of strange people, omg omg omg im gonna freak out. Well at first I did, but then I sat and listened to the people and when it came around to my turn i just said "hello, im new, id like to just listen" and that was that.
i still mostly just listen but i have spoken a small bit since starting and it has helped me tremendously.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: NYC/NJ
Posts: 431
I have social anxiety too, your not alone. Sucks, but there are worse things. Good thing is it definitely can be improved, if not totally overcome. Mine is much better now a days, I find if i take care of myself and feel good about myself, my social anxiety is non existent. when i focus on the other person or really engage myself in what's going on, it goes away. i've always believed my social anxiety was just a symptom of my insecurity and me not liking myself too much. when you like yourself, you don't fear judgement by others because only what you believe matters, and you can fully relax and enjoy life. nobody really cares anyway or is paying as much attention to you as you think. everyones generally focused on themselves.
the things you imagine people are thinking about you, are actually how you think about yourself. challenge those beliefs and change the way u think about yourself.
the things you imagine people are thinking about you, are actually how you think about yourself. challenge those beliefs and change the way u think about yourself.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 7
Hey thanks to all you guys. Sorry to hear you've all gone through same or similar unpleasantness, but it's good to be reminded I'm not alone in this problem.
To those who suggested AA meetings, yes, i've been to quite a few already, and just went back to a local steps meeting this evening, since all this stuff has come up for me again quite recently. The step was step eight, which kind of deals with relationships with others (social); but it also talked about the importance of not having exagerated views/judgements. In my anxiety I was probably exagerating the problem a bit - I'm not a complete cripple, and in response to FlyerFan, no, it doesn't sound crazy mate, I know what you mean. I've been doing the facing of fears thing myself gradually over the years and it probably has helped a lot. In retrospect there's a lot I can do sober now without looking like a total mess.
Still so much work in progress though. It's true that my thinking/expectations are poisonous to some extent and I need to unravel all that more and get more clarity with time. I loved the suggestion about feeling good about yourself and everything working out while that's in place; I've exprienced that too, like a taste, or sighting something in the distance. It's getting clearer . . . I'm accepting myself more and hence things are better with others.
In the meantime i'll keep plodding, not trying to sprint. Thanks for your comment too Anna - it put a nice perspective/balance on it, and if a social event really feels too much I can just give it a miss, and feel OK with myself and not beat myself up over it, even if others don't like it.
To those who suggested AA meetings, yes, i've been to quite a few already, and just went back to a local steps meeting this evening, since all this stuff has come up for me again quite recently. The step was step eight, which kind of deals with relationships with others (social); but it also talked about the importance of not having exagerated views/judgements. In my anxiety I was probably exagerating the problem a bit - I'm not a complete cripple, and in response to FlyerFan, no, it doesn't sound crazy mate, I know what you mean. I've been doing the facing of fears thing myself gradually over the years and it probably has helped a lot. In retrospect there's a lot I can do sober now without looking like a total mess.
Still so much work in progress though. It's true that my thinking/expectations are poisonous to some extent and I need to unravel all that more and get more clarity with time. I loved the suggestion about feeling good about yourself and everything working out while that's in place; I've exprienced that too, like a taste, or sighting something in the distance. It's getting clearer . . . I'm accepting myself more and hence things are better with others.
In the meantime i'll keep plodding, not trying to sprint. Thanks for your comment too Anna - it put a nice perspective/balance on it, and if a social event really feels too much I can just give it a miss, and feel OK with myself and not beat myself up over it, even if others don't like it.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Tacoma wa
Posts: 1
re: social anxiety
I have this as well but it may be passive aggressive personality disorder. I too had similar childhood and that can result in papd. There is treatment for it. I suggest finding a counselor who is experienced with papd. It takes a great deal of cognitive behavior therapy but will work if u work it.
Good luck
Good luck
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