TCB5568

I know I'm not going to get any more support from most people on this site. There's no more I can say here except that I'm dealing with my situation the best I can right now and none of you will accept anything less than leaving my AH. I appreciate the prayers of those of you who have prayed for us and know that it has helped...I am very sorry my kids have had to live this life...I always thought it would get better. I really thought it was my fault this whole time..if I hadn't got upset then he wouldn't get mad at the kids...I always felt like I was to blame because the kids don't mind...and he always said it was my fault..Anyway, I didn't even connect his behavior with drinking because it has been the norm for so long. I wasn't just in denial but complete ignorance...now I know better and just being aware..

Freedom1990

Whoa there! I'm not sure what has been said in prior posts to you, but I for one am here to learn, and offer what support I can to others.

Leaving an AH or not is a very personal decision, and it took me years to make that decision. The more people pushed that I "needed" to leave him, the harder I dug my feet in.

I had to come to my own conclusions and decisions in my own time.

I hope you are able to find some tools here that will help you cope with your current situation. Sending you hugs of support.

wicked

I support you TCB5568, every step forward is progress.
Unless you or your children are being abused, there is no need stop support.
As a matter of fact, that is probably when you need support the most!
What do you want to do?

Beth

LaTeeDa

Most of the posts I've read on your threads suggesting getting in touch with a DV center and talking to a DV counselor. Then I saw one where your doctor also recommended counseling. Have you talked to a counselor?

L

naive

i understand. when i first came here, i felt the same as you. mine was violent and i was in danger. i was also in denial. i felt like i couldn't express myself through all the clamouring that i get out, and get out fast.

but i couldn't. i was too exhausted. plus i was absolutely broke.

anyway, i hung in here at SR because really, i had no other option as my life had become wholly unmanageable.

i hope that you stick around.

akrasia

Hey, we all know that it takes a long time, maybe several tries, for a DV victim to get out. Just keep moving forward, like one little positive thing per day (counselling, squirrel away some money, call the DV people, etc.).

Wellness

One day your feet will hit the ground and you will say..."today's the day". I just hope and pray for not only your sake but also for your innocent children that that day will come sooner than later. What concerns me the most is that they are learning that if you are accepting this, then it's ok. How would you feel if they were being abused when they become adults? It's a learned behavior. I'm not here to judge and I don't understand the whole situation but...abuse is abuse...period. BIG HUG!!!

MyBetterWorld

We support you. For me, the support only stops when your children are in danger and you do nothing to get them to safety. Being here, listening to others' stories, posting your own and getting feedback is a tremeandous start to helping yourself!
It's just that, you sound so terribly unhappy and sometimes afraid. We are just trying to tell you that you don't HAVE to live that kind of life!
I think about you OFTEN and hope you guys are doing ok.

Willybluedog

I am so sorry you feel you need to leave here.

I think I can speak for many of us here in that we suffered tremendously at the hands of our parents both alcoholic and ACA, many others suffered at the hands of spouses, and very few of those parents and spouses got better without professional help.

I know I filter what you posted through my own "lens" of physical and verbal abuse, and I know how screwed up I am and I don't want that for anyone else, especially children.

What I shared with you would be considered "tough love", because I thought it would let you see through my eyes.

Please reconsider leaving this site, even if you decide not to post anymore, I hope you will stay and read and learn.

Please know that I care about you and your children and I believe many others do as well, if you leave I will miss you and I will continue to worry about you.

If you must go, please know that my prayers will follow you and your children.

Big hugs and best of luck to you.

Bill

theuncertainty

I seem to be posting mostly quotes today, but I love this one from Heidi Markow, who is the founder of the Beginning Over Foundation, about supporting a person living with abuse:

I appreciate from the survivor side and I heartily agree with it from the supporter side. The decisions you make regarding your relationship are yours to make. No one else has walked your pathway, so they don't *know* why you must make those decisions when you make them. Just know that at any time you have the right to change your mind and decide differently. File away all the notes, points of contact, etc., for future information.

One thing you can do, without making any other commitment, is to put a safety plan in place for you and your kids. I can't get the linkback thing to work, but there's a post in the stickies about safety planning, and there are a lot of other safety planning resources out there, too.

Stickies>About Abuse>Safety Plan in Potentially Violent Situations

Sending big hugs and wishing you strength and peace

lillamy

Wait a minute -- I don't think anyone here is trying to tell you what to do and judging you if you don't. Or maybe we come across that way. After all, it's a board of codies, and we've been known from time to time to know best and be really good at telling other people what to do (codies, not SR people in general).

The thing is... there are so many parallels between being a codie and being an alcoholic. First and foremost -- admitting you have a problem. That's the step before step one. Or step one. Depending on how you want to see it. You're there. Clearly.

After that -- you have to take your time and walk your path. And I remember coming here and feeling the same way -- like all anyone ever told me was that I should leave and not look back. And I wasn't ready to do that. I get that feeling. I stopped posting for a long time, because I didn't like the advice I got. But I never stopped reading. And I hope you keep reading, at least. Because regardless of where you are at and what you're planning on doing (or not doing), hearing from other people in similar situations makes you feel less lonely. At least that's how it worked for me.

And I think between SR, where I also felt like everyone was telling me to leave, and Al-Anon, where I often felt like I got the opposite message (don't leave until you're sure you've swept clean in front of your own door), I was able to find my own way. I know you will, too.

TCB5568

I don't know what I want to do right now...why can't I wake up and find this all a big nightmare?

theuncertainty

TCB, I've felt that way soooo many days. You'll be OK, you already are OK.
:ghug3

fourmaggie

UNEXCEPTABLE BEHAVIOUR is UNEXCEPTABLE...period

your in my prayers
~Maggie

fourmaggie

^^^^ sorry didnt mean for it to be so bold...my fault...

3C's
you did not cause this
you can not control this
and there is no cure....

lillamy

Big fat hugs to you. I've been there. I was daydreaming about all the horrid ways my AH could die so that I could stand at the funeral and be a grieving widow instead of being the awful wench who tore apart the family by leaving. I'd daydream about him meeting someone else and falling madly in love and leaving me, and how I would be tearful but understanding and say, "It's OK. You have to follow love. Go with God." Thinking that any of that would be so easy compared to leaving. Until I met people whose AH had died. And whose AW had left them. And realized that it was only in my dreams that those things weren't horrid, awful things to go through.

And while it's absolutely true that children suffer in an alcoholic marriage where there is abuse, knowing that just makes you feel more guilty. For me, that's the only guilt I still carry -- what I was emotionally unable to stop exposing my children to. But I try to tell myself that I did what I was capable of, and I left when I was capable to.

Pelican

I'm like Wellness - One day you put your feet on the floor and decide: Today I leave. That is really how it happened for me and my children.

I didn't leave the day I became aware of the alcoholism. I didn't leave the day I became aware of the rages. I didn't leave the day I became aware of the verbal abuse. I needed time. I needed time to accept the reality of alcoholism, rages, verbal abuse, and more. It was only after I accepted that these behaviors were no longer acceptable - that I was then able to formulate a plan.

While I worked on my acceptance, my recovery, information gathering, consultations, and planning - I did the following:

Each morning before my feet hit the floor, I had to make a decision.
Was today the day I leave or do I stay another day in this marriage?
Each day - for years, the answer was: today I stay another day in this marriage.
And for the next 24 hours, I did my best as a partner in a marriage to an alcoholic.
The next day, same decision before my feet hit the floor.
Each day, I could do for the next 24 hours what I needed to do.....just for today.

And one day the decision became: Today I leave! And I did.

Today is your day to stay in your marriage to an alcoholic. You are not alone. I had to face that day over and over. I understand.

chicory

TCB,
I have been watching for your posts, but had not seen them lately. I am so glad that you are still here, wish none of us had to, but, we do...
I stick around here, to get support, and to be in touch with people who are working toward being healthier. it helps me a lot,to know that after a bad time, i can come here and get understanding , and hope from the experience of others. I get encouragement from others who don't judge, but tell me to hang in there, and who know that tomorrow is another day, in which I can take better care of myself.
How are things,TCB? You and those sweet babies are in my prayers.

love and hugs
chicory

tjp613

It's so very easy: Call a DV counselor. That's all you need to do next. It's just a phone call.

TCB5568

My thoughts are all over these days and between the 3 kids they've all went a round with the flu in the last couple weeks...not to mention I was really sick.. I feel angry at myself for being so angry with AH..he's drinking non stop and I can hardly stand to be around him anymore. It felt like so many of you were mad at me for not leaving him yet for his unacceptable behavior that I shouldn't bother to post my sob stories anyway...I don't even know what to say to a dv counselor or what counselor to go to. I'm not sure if that's the way to handle this..I can't stop myself from nagging AH about his drinking and he says he will go into some treatment somehow...but when I bring up the way he treats the kids, he barely says anything about it ....I have a hotel suite set up for the next two nights for the kids and I a mini vaca here in town and it would be nice if he could stay sober and decent so I could have some time to myself...ha ha