werelemming

I really do appreciate everyone here. I know I'm not an active poster and an even less active responder. I'n time I may be more help. For now ..I just really like that I can come and talk and find people willing to chime in. Special thanks to smoke of course. I know the "Quincy" on the reply will always be a boost.

Honestly, I know where I am. I have a lot of me to work on and I slowly piecing me together. I'm also in limbo as to where my future lies. I love my wife and I'm fighting for my marriage. I'm not sure how hard she is committed to equally fighting, but I'm hoping right now and waiting for some clarity down the line. For now I can go on and the good is worth the bad. I'm hoping after I'm more solid, I'll know if it's time to give up.

Today's thing though...

Infidelity has played a part in the problems in our marriage for a long time. I knew I needed to be careful around other women, but never strayed. Until about 5 years back. My A wife was convinced I was being unfaithful with a boarder we had, and in order to control the situation, (A thinking) she invited this woman into our bed. I don't blame my wife for what happened after. I made my own choices. I do still hold a lot of anger though for her opening the door. We became really REALLY dysfunctional after that point as her drinking and my own personal issues kept me cheating for a long time. She allowed it because she thought it made me happy and she felt worthless anyway. I kept having one night stands(about one a year) because I had gotten so detached from the love I felt in the begining, I was really unremorseful. As you can guess, these thing fed on each other. The more I cheated, the worse she felt. The worse she felt, the more she pulled into the bottle and pushed me away. The more she pushed me away, the more Ilooked elsewhere for the support I wasn't finding at home.

Well, her rock bottom came when she finally paid me back. Twice she got drunk and was unfaithful. Once with a cooworker, and once with some random guy at a bar. Within 2 weeks, she was in a doctor ordered rehab and away for a 28 day inpatient center. As far as I know, she hasn't drank since. I wasn't so righteous.

I was alone watching the kids for the month she was in. I was also nursing a broken wrist, unemployed, and involved in charity work which was emotionally draining at the time. 6 weeks after she left rehab, she asked me to leave. And I was unfaithful again, seeking comfort in the misery. Yeah, I know, stupid move.

That was all a year and a half ago. We're doing "okay" now, and I really feel we're on an upswing. There's this thing though.

I found a website dedicated to healing from infidelity. I originally went looking to stop myself from cheating again. YOu can choose to stop things, but that doesn't mean the struggle is over. Anyway, I found it really beneficial over time and have since maintained a degree of fidelity I didn't think I was still capable of.
I told her about it, and she became a poster as well. And we did both get a lot out of it.

I'm grumpy though. I can't post there anymore. Not because I was asked not to, but because I don't feel comfortable there. My wife came in, and by the time her story was told, I could never be more than the wayward serial cheater. I'm resentful of the fact that she took my safe place and turned me out. I'm also resentful of the fact that she never addresses her own infidelity. What went on in the past is irrelevant, outside of what I did.

I guess I'm really just resentful of the fact that her past has no bearing on her now. she is going to school next fall to pursue nursing. And she has very noble reasons. She is not the she she was. That was a different person. The old her was the drinker. The old her was the cheater..no wait, that never happened. Don't bother bringing up the past, that wasn't her. And through this redemption without a price, she has become a saint unto herself.

Well she's the same person to me. the same person who hurt me. The same person who made me hurt myself and the same person I still want to be with.

I know how this reads. Just like my last couple posts. It really all boils down to taking care of me and not being concerned about her. And I am. I'm seeing my counselor again. I'm trying to set the boundaries. It's the little things though. Not being able to post places. Still feeling small. Still struggling with unfaithful desires. still...me. And some days it's just tiring.

Ann

The way I see it is that perhaps your wife has forgiven herself and moved forward in her recovery.

I think you would like to do the same except that the resentments are eating away at you, and they will continue to do so until you learn to forgive and let go of the past.

You cannot change the past, you don't know what the future will hold, but today you can take responsibility for your actions.

If you still struggle with infidelity issues perhaps counselling will help, or SLAA.

It may be a good time to just sit back and take a good look at your life today, and decide if this is how you want to live your life. If it is not, then decide what you need to change and do it.

Hugs and prayers for both of you
Ann

smoke gets in my eyes

Hey WL.

You wouldn't believe how many folks have registered here and either fled or changed their username because their sig-o followed them. Some were invited and some came playing "I Spy". Like you, I invited Dino here. I loved the site and found it helpful, I thought he would, too. It never occured to me that he would only read the anon postings and rave about the crazy people. :andy: He didn't really stay though. He still cruises once in awhile, but he's only looking for the humor. However, I have heard that same phrase "took my safe place" before. Right here. I'm betting you won't tell her about THIS site. LOL

I understand what you're saying. If bygones are bygones for her... then why won't she let YOU off the hook? She's forgivable... you're not? Here comes the question. Do you think it's possible she perceives things exactly the opposite? That you are pointing the finger at her and forgetting your own culpability? I'm not asking about reality. Just perception. You own up to things here. Do you when you're talking to her? You think it... does she hear it? The reason I ask is that as soon as Dino says to me "I don't/didn't like it when you.... (whatever)" my immediate gut response is "Well YOU.... (whatever)." It didn't matter that I already felt like a worm over whatever it was. He pointed the finger. I got defensive. Same thing happened with him. The gut thing still happens, however I've learned to stop myself and deal with what he said instead of flipping the subject over to him. And when my comments touch on his behavior, I try to keep them in the realm of what I like and appreciate, and not "what I hate about you". I am not flawless at it yet. As a matter of fact, he is a lot more skillful at it than me ... and I hate that about him. LOL

Now. It occurs to me also that you may be saying "I'm sorry, mea culpa." and wondering how many times you're going to have to say it. If that's the case, maybe you could try following her example. If she's treating you like a whipping boy, is it because you are acting like one? If the new improved her can just get on with it... maybe you can, too. If the answer to "you were a drunk" is "not anymore", then the answer to "you cheated" can also be "not anymore." You're sorry. You should be. But you've said it.

Hugs,
Smoke

MissyBelle

Thank you Smoke. You just provided me a lightbulb moment.

journeygal

Hmmm, interesting. So, it's her fault you cheated? It's her fault you were hurt and betrayed by her drinking? Is there no accountability for your actions?

Now, if those words sound harsh, I don't mean them to be, not at all. But I think you will continue to feel resentment if you continue to blame her for your actions. I know you say you don't blame her, but I think maybe you do: No matter what she did or how she acted, no way is she responsible for any choices YOU made. She invited another woman to your bed - you could have said no. You felt no support at home - you could have discussed it with her or left the marriage. You were hurting and lonely - you could have sought help. She did not make you or force you to cheat. You need to stop blaming her and holding her responsible.

I'm a long-time snooper. It's an unhealthy habit and every time I do it I feel like I'm on drugs. I used to justify my snooping by blaming it on my husband's using and lying - "If he didn't lie all the time, I wouldn't have to snoop." "If he were trustworthy, I wouldn't have to check up on him." Well, that kept me pretty unhealthy for a long time. But eventually, I had to start taking responsibility for my actions. Two wrongs don't make a right. My choice to snoop had nothing to do with my husband's actions and my reasons for doing so never made it right or ok.

Once we start owning up to our own messes, we can begin to let go of our resentments and anger.

Take care,
JG

werelemming

muchas gracias for all the replies. I know I have a tendency to post these, read the replies and never thank those who cared enough to post. I really do appreciate the input and thanks.

I knew when I posted this pretty cleanly how it sounded. Whiny, selfish, self-pitying, and self justifying. And honestly it really is. She has moved on and made great strides. I sit around shocked that a year and a half has passed and I still bleed from the wound of her leaving. I used to rail at her for being a martyr all the while begging for my own martyrdom. I'm cleanly hooked and chained to the platform of my past. And I hate it. It's nt where or WHO I awnt to be.

On the plus side though, once again, I've found insight here. Not a lot of things I didn't expect to here, but affirmation of what I really sorta knew. I think we are pulling free a hook or two.

Oh Yeah, smoke. In the interest of honesty and accountability, I have told her I post here......I just haven't told her where

12stepmarce

I found my solutions in Al-Anon and in working the steps with a sponsor. One of the steps asked me to take a personal inventory of my sexual conduct. I did it. I'm glad I did.

This isn't about you.....or even about your wife. Your sexuality involves others. Whom have YOU harmed by seeking to meet your own personal needs? I was so consumed with what I had endured......I conveniently overlooked what I had done to harm others.

My suggestion is that you attend Al-Anon meetings, get a sponsor, work the steps.

This will all work out for your good......and for the good of others.

Be well.