Plath

It's weird to me that, although I have come to accept most of my family's behaviors, and acknowledge the sorrow that I feel about not being close to my extended family anymore (or my direct family, in some instances), the resentment can really sneak up on me.

Mostly, I am feeling a little bit of a double-whammy because I have a baby. I think that if I only needed to accept that my family is never going to be there for me the way that I wish they would, I would probably be able to do that within reason.
But when I think of the family that they will NOT be for my son, I become livid.

Not every member of my family is a dysfunctional, vindictive, abusive wretch. Mostly, it was my mother and step-father who possessed those traits, and the rest of my family has dealt with their alcoholic/abusive childhoods in somewhat more productive ways, and are far less screwed up.

So alcoholism/addiction was never a part of my childhood, just the aftermath of my grandfather's alcoholism and cruelty that my mother perpetuated with her behavior.

There are a few reasons for this, of course. It's not just that everyone deals with their childhoods differently; it's that, in an alcoholic family, people are treated differently and have different obstacles to overcome.

Anyway, I am again feeling the pain of how my extended family basically turned their backs on me when I was young, and "going down the wrong path".

I don't want to trigger anyone here, but my drug use started when I was 15 and didn't stop until I was 25.
After that, I had a couple of relapses, but for the past seven years everything has been fine, and I've become a reasonably responsible person in my life, and a very responsible person in my son's life.
It took me a while, but I got here.

My family over the years has made some inaccurate and insulting assumptions about me as a person that seem to kind of linger, and it makes me feel really helpless, abandoned, disregarded, and angry.

I lied to them a lot about what I was doing when I was younger, but especially as a teenager, I think that's often what happens when a person is raised in a home where telling the truth doesn't do you any good and you get punished rather than anyone recognizing that you need help.

My mother was like that, but the rest of her family was not. They tried to take me in when I was 15, but I kept moving back in with my mom, so nothing ever got better.

I can remember telling my mom that I felt like I wanted to commit suicide when I was 15, and instead of being concerned she got mad and laid a guilt trip on me.
The same thing when I started trying out bulimia when I was 13. I wasn't overweight, I think I just wanted to find a way to purge *something*. Instead of concern, I was yelled at, berated, and followed around the house.

I don't think that my extended family takes these scenarios into consideration, not to mention all of the absolutely inexcusable verbal and emotional abuse my mom gave me every day from the time I was a toddler up until I finally confronted her and let her know that I had had it with her behavior.

So, along with their assumptions about what drug addicts do (I never stole from my family, I didn't prostitute myself, etc.), it has taken me a while to really get my life straight. So I think that it's really hard for them to give me any credit for anything, or to take my life seriously...even though I have done better things with my life than they could ever be capable of.

I guess this is just my way of sorting out the "why" of how they treat me.
They don't understand that I was, like everyone else, a product of my environment. Or, if they understand it, they think that I was somehow weaker than other people, since their kids didn't turn out the way that I did.
That's obviously because they didn't raise their kids the way that my mom raised me.

I also think that they look at my mom as someone who can't cope with her childhood, and kind of shrug it off as though she's somehow weaker. What they don't understand, evidently, is that, unlike her brother and sister, she wasn't popular in school, she didn't see eye to eye with my grandmother the way they did, etc. She had a totally different scenario. She remembers being touched inappropriately by her father, and my aunt doesn't remember anything.

So anyway, I think they just basically gave up on me, although we were as close as any family could be while I was growing up. It hurt me deeply, deeply...and their horrible assumptions about me...I don't even know how to describe how that made me feel, I'm still just shocked.

So our relationship has progressively become more distant over the years (although we keep in touch), and when my grandma died I realized that they were the only family I had left besides my dad and brothers, who I rarely see, so I made some effort to stay connected with them.

Now, I suppose, it's too late. I made mistakes in my younger years (but thank God those mistakes lead me to the realization that I needed serious help on many levels), and it took me a while to remedy those mistakes in my life, so I guess they've programmed themselves to simply not give me any credit for anything.

I have even more of a part in the rift, as I have been disgusted for many years by what I see as their simplistic, narrow minded way of seeing the world, and I don't think I've been shy about telling them so. Probably because they gave me such a hard time when I was younger about my tastes and beliefs, etc., I guess I felt defensive.

Well...so, now it's just all about acceptance, I suppose.
In reality, I had a part in this.
I still feel ripped off, after being told endlessly that "family is the most important thing you'll ever have" by them. Indeed.

But I guess that, looking at this situation with a little bit of clarity, I see where I have a part in it, and that things are so weird now (and they've changed as people, not much for the better) that it may not be worth it for me to feel all resentful about whether they're a part of my life or my son's life.

Thanks for letting me share, it helps put things into perspective.

EveningRose

((((Plath))))

I can relate to the part about suicide. I often felt suicidal in high school. My cousin, in fact, who was probably living in similar difficulties, did attempt suicide in high school and ended up in the hospital. My mother's reaction was to dismiss it as just trying to get attention. (Right, because it's totally rational to risk your life to try to get attention...and that in itself shouldn't raise any alarms, only anger that the suicidal person is inconveniencing others?)

It helps me to read others' experiences and attempts to reach peace with their families. Bit by bit, I'm reaching acceptance, and then I'll have moments of seeing how bad it really is and backslide a bit, but I think we are all on a steady, even if sometimes slow, upward path.

Plath

And, after posting this I feel so ashamed, and afraid that I may have triggered someone with my story, or that I will suddenly not feel the same support on here that I value so much.

I don't usually share much on here about my personal history with addiction/alcoholism, as it's pretty much long in the past and I feel like I have dealt with those issues.

I hope that if I've touched a trigger for anyone on here that you will forgive me, as I need to share these experiences in order to heal.

And on that note, please bear in mind that all of this took place starting at a very young age, and I have worked very hard to overcome the need for self-destructive behavior.

My son will never know that part of me, although one day I may share my experiences with him for the sake of honesty and possibly understanding how damaging addiction/alcoholism can be.

Plath

Thank you, EveningRose.

I posted the last comment about feeling ashamed and fearful for posting this part of my story before I read your comment.

Your compassion and willingness to share on this thread is priceless to me.

Willybluedog

Plath,

Thank you for sharing your story with me, it makes me feel closer to you, and allows me to understand you and your situation better. I think you are very brave to take a chance on something that you fear might distance people from you. I am very proud of you.

I wish I had some answers for you, I have a huge extended family that I have just drifted away from over the years, we have lost two cousins to overdoses, and two to cancer, one to aids, all before 30, others went to prison, others still just left for other parts of the country to escape their abusive parents. Every time there is any attempt to get everyone together it just stalls out under the weight of excuses.

Our children are much closer to adopted aunts and uncles that live near us and are a big part of their everyday lives, my wife was the school nurse at our childrens school for 5 years and she has taken so many kids under her wing in that time it's like we have a huge extended family right there.

I guess what I am saying is that if your kids don't have extended family that is willing to be there for them, then your kid(s) will choose their own family, people they like and trust.

You are such a good person, you have come so far from that scared and angry teenager, please be proud of yourself and all you accomplished, if your family cannot see all the progress you have made, then they are not worth your time and energy.

Hang in there, you are doing great!

Kialua

This issue of not having extended family for our kids is common among us all. I chose not to involve my parents or family in my child's life beyond mere pleasantries at wedding and funerals.

This post from the stickies struck a chord with me. It's written about abuse and violence but I added the point of view of alcoholism. I think it says it all.

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-patterns.html

Educate yourself about the inner workings of (alcohol) physical abuse. Become an expert on the topic because you need to have a thorough understanding of what you are up against. You will want to educate your family members and to help them all come to the same conclusion that you have come to. You will naturally want for your entire extended family to make this commitment to future generations that you are making. It won’t happen. I have never ever heard of an entire family of (alcoholics) child beaters all suddenly deciding together that all of them are going to go through this process at the same time. The truth is that you will be lucky if anyone in your family supports your decision. The nature of these sorts of things dictates that everyone is going to deny that it is even a problem. “Why do you have to get everyone all worked up anyway? Why can’t you just leave well enough alone? What’s wrong with you that you have to meddle in everyone else’s business?” That is what you are up against. It is part of what you will come to learn as you study the dysfunctional patterns of denial and unity that weaves through families with this secret in their lives.

You will have to separate yourself from your family. I am not saying that you emotionally distance yourself. I am telling you to pack up your children and move away. Do not live anywhere near them. If you yourself make the decision to go through the process of breaking the cycle of (alcoholism) violence but your children grow up watching (relatives being alcoholic) Uncle Joe beat up their cousins, or Grandpa beats up Grandma whenever they get into big fights, then they will still be witness to the (alcoholism) abuse and to the psychology of the abuse. They will become desensitized and will grow to just blow it off as what families do even though you personally do not do it to them. You run the risk that rather than actually stopping the family cycle for your children and future grandchildren that all your hard work and effort to make positive change only causes the (alcoholism) violence to skip a generation. How will you feel when you find out that your child is (alcoholic) beating your grandchild even though you never did it. You have to get your kids away from the dynamic so that it is not ever role modeled to them by anyone ever.

This means that you will be alone without a support system. You might be lucky enough to have a loving spouse, but the truth is that most people who come from these sorts of families have a hard time maintaining positive loving marriages. It is a piece of what you are trying to change. People who are raised in (alcoholism) violence often unknowingly pick partners who are of the same background. Like attracts like on a subconscious level. You do not want to ( be an alcoholic) beat your wife and you do not want to be beaten by your husband. So most likely, you are a single parent by the time you are making this commitment to your children. By changing the patterns of your life, you are preparing yourself for the day when you will no longer be attracted to (alcoholic) violent people.

You will most likely be all alone while moving away to a safe location to raise your children. It is very difficult to find a support system of friends and acquaintances. When a crisis shows itself people will immediately assume that you have family to help bail you out. Most people will be too busy with their own extended families to really offer you much assistance. Do not be fooled into thinking that you will have lots of loving coworkers or neighbors like on television to help you through your problems. It is rare at best and you need to understand that you will have to work hard by yourself during most of the normal highs and lows of life. You have to remind yourself when tempted to move back to your hometown why it is that you are not going back there. It is better to be lonely then it is to have your children raised in (alcoholism) violence.

Kialua

The way people view our struggles and pin them to us for life is just a coping mechanism so they don't have to get involved.

Our struggles were our cry for help.

My friend says our cry for help and our struggles were like someone stabbing us and us crying out. But instead of helping others get mad at us for simply crying! They don't want to hear the crying even while the stabbing is still going on.

After the stabbing, we need to heal. Others don't understand that we need healing time and expect us to join in the secrets and carry on the game.

Our struggles don't define us, we change. But people don't care now and they didn't care then. These people are toxic and not to be embraces.

Take your time for healing and don't let what others label you stand in your way. You are free from that life. Embrace your new life and make it meaningful for your children.

Plath

Thank you for your encouraging words, Bill. It really does mean so much to me.

Thank you for the sticky, Kialua.
I read that when I started posting on here, and I have really felt that isolation down to my core over the past year or so...mostly, when I became pregnant and realized that I really have no one.

I thought I had resolved some of these issues, or put a band aid on them at least, but I don't think that a band aid is really helping me.

I have mentioned in other posts that I considered simply disengaging entirely from them, but had a change of heart.
I suppose I don't need to totally disengage, but I may not want to hold out for the close family relationship that we had when I was young. They have become very different people from the people they were when I was a child, and I honestly don't really care for what they've become.

I thought that I could repair my relationship with my extended family...and I probably could, if I really wanted to put forth a lot of effort, at least with my aunt and cousin...but I honestly just don't know if it's worth it to me anymore.

Yes, I am for the most part very alone. I have my husband and my son, and a handful of friends...some more superficial than others, some 32 years long but still waiting for them to pull their own lives together regarding their own addiction issues.

Thank you all for your comments, and for sharing with me. This is hard, and it's something I thought I had already processed, but apparently that's not the case. Realization is such an unbelievable journey sometimes, it really can take a long time to finally put at least most of the pieces of our puzzles together so that we can clearly see the full picture of how our past was, where we are in the present, and how we want our futures to be.



But I will say that not a day goes by in my life where, despite the anger, hurt, confusion, frustration, and rage that I often feel regularly, I am eternally grateful for the life I live now, for my son and my husband, and our own relatively happy little family.

Plath

Kialua, thanks so much for your second post as well. Your words are very helpful and encouraging, and I appreciate that.

I was taking such a long time in my last response that I didn't see it, hahah.

Thank you all for reminding me that I am not those labels, that those horrible and painful cries for help went unanswered until I moved away from my family and found help through others who had shared my experiences.

Many warm wishes to you all today, and thank you all again for being here.

DesertEyes

No worries, Plath. If people get triggered that's _my_ job. We also have a rock-solid team of volunteers that are constantly patrolling the whole of SR. They're hard to see unless you know where to look. This forum, like all of SR, is constantly maintained by some wonderful and dedicated people.

And that is just the people you see. There is an entire team of professionals who maintain the computers, manage the advertising, run the business. You never see them, but they are here just the same. There is a very big organization behind SR, the forums are a very small "tip of the iceberg".

You share what you need to share. If somebody gets triggered let us volunteers take care of it. You take care of healing and we'll be your cheer-leaders

That warning is hugely helpful, thank you for that. It makes it a lot easier when peeps include a warning.

That is _why_ we have volunteers. To make sure that SR _does_ remain a safe haven for those of us who are struggling with deep wounds.

Mike
Moderator, SR

Plath

Thank you, Mike.

After I posted this I just felt so relieved. It was so nice to still have the support of the people on this forum, and I'm glad that you and other volunteers are here for us when we do get triggered by someone else's post.

Lots of warm wishes to you, and thanks again.