chiyo

Ugh this is horrible. I've been through this many times before and yet every time it happens its a surprise to me. The damn shaking, itching, sweating, just plain out going crazy. I wish I could leave the house and go for a walk. What's making me more crazy is that the only thing that will help me right now I can't have because it could potentially kill me. There is no win to this situation right now. In a few days when I feel better I'll see it as a win, but right now no matter what I do I lose. I need a hobby or two to keep me busy, sadly I can't remember what I used to love to do when I was younger. I became a drunk at 16. When hubby complained about my drinking in the earlier days I would always joke around that drinking is my hobby. I can always ask one of my kids to teach me how to play guitar. In a few days of course, if I tried today there is no doubt in my mind that the guitar would get smashed against a wall.

doggonecarl

First days are tough, as you've noted by saying you gone through this before. It doesn't have to happen again. Get through this rough patch and start formulating a recovery plan. By "plan" I mean are you thinking of white knuckling in on your own or do you plan to seek some sort of support or professional help?

chiyo

At this moment I don't have a plan. I have tried many different routes to get sober before, none worked. I am willing to try all of them again but for now I'm going to stay put and do the best I can here at home. I do have a wonderful ex neighbor that has been sober for a long time. He's been visiting and has been a huge help.

jjc81

I read, well when I'm not chasing kids.......When I was at work last night surrounded by bottles upon bottles I wrote in a journal so that I could go back and remember how truly hard it was and know that I made the right choice. Plus it kept me from eating for 8 hours I can't imagine that pain you are going thorough just keep in mind that one good choice leads to another, you choose to be here now......

2granddaughters

Is there an AA meeting where you live, where in CA are you?

Bob R. (near Windsor ON)

chiyo

Small world, I am near Windsor also. I don't want to write exactly where though on here.

Healthyfood

chiyo

Maybe pick small tasks at this very beginning? New recipe? New book?

chiyo

A couple of hours ago I have made the stupid decision to get two bottles of vodka and am now in the process of drinking them. Sometimes I feel like there is no hope for me, obviously I"m too dumb to learn the lesson. I don't understand why I want sobriety so frigging bad but yet I can't achieve it no matter what.

Zebra1275

If the withdrawal symptoms are so uncomfortable that you drink to avoid them, you need to get some medical help with your detox. Drinking the same stuff that got you into this mess in the first place only postpones the inevitable.

chiyo

I can not agree more with you Zebra1275. I will never deny that I have a problem. And I will never deny that I'm obviously too stupid to be able to deal with it. I'm a weak person that will (obviously) give in to the temptation. I need to learn how to fight it. I've been trying to learn for 16 years and no luck so far.

2granddaughters

In Essex county?

Hevyn

You are not stupid. You are not weak. You are an alcoholic.

You can do this chiyo. I was so upset to read that you bought the vodka. I've done the same thing many times before finally getting it right. This can be the very last time this happens. I agree with Zebra - you need help to detox safely.

We're with you chiyo - please be kind to yourself, and please don't ever give up.

Dee74

Hi Chiyo

The thing is...that won't help you.

And there's *a lot* of things that will help you - lots of recovery groups, counselling and support.

As long as we convince ourselves that we're too ill to seek help - but not too ill to go out buy more booze - we're just digging a deeper hole for ourselves....

I know cos I did it myself a million times....

Like Zebra said - if withdrawal has you this wigged out, please see a Dr. It's by far the better way to go

D

Anna

I agree with Hevyn, and I think you should stop calling yourself stupid and weak.

You are none of those things. You are seeking support and there is always hope.

Please get rid of the alcohol you bought and don't bring anymore into the house. Start slowly with reading a good book or watching a movie. You can do this!

2granddaughters

You aren't stupid and weak, just ill like the rest of us. If I can do it...you can do it !!
Let me know if I can help you in any way.

Bob R.

Taking5

Temptation sucks, but in terms of fighting, I gave up fighting alcohol. Alcohol won. Alcohol kicked my ass. I surrendered to alcohol. If I hadn't stopped fighting, alcohol would probably have killed me by now. I had to surrender to win. I learned all this in AA.

You can win by surrendering too.

onajourney

chiyo well done to you for trying, seek support so you can detox safely see your doc if you can, lots of fab support here too.

chiyo

Thanks so much everyone for the support. I am really feeling the love. Just because I talk down on myself and think down on myself does not mean I have given up on myself. I will continue trying. This lady has not given up yet. It ain't over till its over.

bostonluv

It's not over. Hope you check back in tomorrow and maybe we can help you get a better plan together. Now you know what doesn't work. Sleep well, say your prayers and drink your water. Tomorrow is a new day. Another day to start again.