Wife2anaddict

My RAH relapsed the other day after 10 mos. clean. I suspected, I asked, he admitted. I did not guilt/shame/yell/beg/plead because I know I am powerless. I think I have that part pretty well engrained.

What I have a problem with is obsessing and awfulizing. Is it always going to be like this? Is this time finally his LAST relapse? Was this just a small and expected bump? Is the wii going to be gone when I get home? Are we going to have any money left to pay for our daughter’s birthday? At this point, there is no money missing. My AH is a chronic relapser, 9 mos. clean, 2 years clean, 6 mos. clean, 9 mos clean again. Cycle repeating for the past 11 years. He seems to do all the right things and is well aware of the resources available to him. He goes to meetings, has always had a sponsor, works w/sponsor, knows the steps/traditions, only has friends that are in recovery but he just can’t stay clean. His words seem so convincing and even his actions show that he is willing to do what he has to do, but he seems to struggle so much. Sometimes, he is able to hop right back on board with his recovery, but his most recent relapse 10 mos. ago was a spiral out of control relapse involving loss of money and pawning items and ending up in rehab. I am not ready to make the boundary of “I will not live with an addict in active addiction” because I guess I don’t know if he is or isn’t using. I know that time will tell, but it's hard to just sit and watch/wait. He SEEMS to desparately not want to go down the spiral again. His parents spent THOUSANDS on this recent stint in rehab and to now fail at this point would be the ultimate feeling of shame/guilt to him. He is not hopeless and seems willing and isn’t feeling shame yet and seems to think he can continue in recovery successfully. He has been focusing on all his gratitude: Job, family, friends, support, house, etc. so he doesn't have a pity party for himself.
It breaks my heart. I go to meetings 1-2 times a week and at this very moment, I am posting this while I am at work, JUST so I can keep from investigating, checking phone records, etc. So, I don’t even really have a question, just trying to share and hoping to hear some E,S and H. Trying to turn it over, but it’s hard not to go back to my old ways. Thanks for letting me share.

HopefulGF65

Hi, I'm sorry for what you're going through. I'm not married to mine but we've been in a committed relationship for just over 2 years. I'm sort of in the same boat as you though, where he's relapsed, completely sincere he wants to be free of needing his pain meds, is currently seeking medical advice (MRI and hoping next step to be a pain mgt. facility), and has broken down in front of me in total despair realizing how helpless he is to this addiction.

It's such a heartwrenching thing to watch, especially when they are aware of their issue/disease and actively seeking help. So when this is the case, where do we, their significan others, draw the line, make the most difficult decision to say "no more". I'm new to this (realizing just how bad it was) so I'm not ready to make a decision yet until he at least goes through the steps he's started on nowto see if he can in fact get off of them.

I definitely heard some of me in you - that it's been so long not listening to music in the car, etc. I get that, it's hard to find happiness in all this. But just know you're not alone. And I hope we can find some peace.

zoso77

Well...

The good news is, IMO, he has enjoyed clean time for stretches, and I hope he gives himself credit for that. But, unfortunately, relapse is part of recovery. As for why he's in that cycle that you described, I have no idea. I imagine it's very frustrating and scary for you. His recovery, ultimately, is his cross to bear, and I'm pretty certain just by reading your post you understand that.

Just like your recovery is your responsibility.

So, I'm not going to offer any advice. But, I will offer encouragement. You're doing the right things by going to meetings and venting to those of us who understand. Turning it over and letting go isn't a discrete event. Sometimes we have to remember to do that and to practice it. I hope today you're kind to yourself and you're good to yourself.

ZoSo

helpme33

It is heart break and I had small children, but his life revolved around partying. He missed so many of our childrens birthday parties, he was out with friends.
The other women he went on frequent trips with , and bounced checks made my decision for me. He was fired for selling drugs on the job then he started stealing from my account that I had opened in my name and I only had my clerical check and no way to pay bills and feed my children.
After being forced into treatment to keep his job (that never works) he just went back to his habits the day he was out.
Thank God mine was a long time ago (but I still remember the hopelessness) and there are many more ways to get help and support today.
But I am now going through this again with my adult son (he has been in treatment, treatment, and more treatment) who has met and fallen madly in love with another addict. She has cut him off from friends and family and I had to call the police to stop the harrassment, we live in another state thankfully.
He is now homeless, friendless, no money, no job, and she is in detox. He is almost 34 and she is 37.
These two do not understand that you are an addict for life and last week was a nightmare! It takes two but this was a relationship from hell, and when I talked to him last week he said things had to change if he stayed with her WHAT THE H***?
I am passed the guilt of wondering if his father is the reason or what is the reason?? There are no answers, I am so tired of it, and I refuse to have it in my life again.
It is really sad to talk to parents in meeting that have teens, boys and girls, in prostitution for drugs.
The only advice I have is continue to go to meetings and do not let it get to a point that your child is suffering. You must look out for yourself and your family, because an addict can only think of themselves. When they are not using they can be so wonderful!!
It's their life and their choices. Each morning I pray and meditate and say to myself that for today I will have a good day.
Hugs and blessings to all of us!

outtolunch

Splitting hairs?

" I will not live with someone who does not have X clean time under their belt" is another way of expressing a boundary. Only you can decide the value of X. 1 year? 2 year? More? Less?

Take into consideration the welfare of your child.

Given his historical pattern, uncertainty is the norm.

KelleyF

Lord knows Im no expert in this; but my BF (who had been clean since I met him) relapsed after almost 10 months. It was a one night thing because he ended up overdosing and in the hospital.

But anyway, he has been seeing a psychiatrist since then.. BF was really upset about his relapse. Before it happaened he had basically done things like relocate, seperate himself from all his past drug connections, but just relied on will power alone to end his use.

So his new Dr. has helped him realize that the relapse should be used in a positve and constructive way; which would allow him to use it to build up his recovery, a sign that he needs to refocus, understand why it happened, and find ways to strengthen himself. Im sure I didnt explain it all like the Doc did; but it seems logical to me that if someone relapses over and over - then something is missing.
maybe it is like Anvil said that resolve to never use again no matter what - is missing, or maybe there are emotional issues he still needs to work through that keep dragging him down, etc.

Just my thought.
Sorry your going through so much.
Hugs
Kel

Chino

My qualifier is my daughter. I stopped obsessing when I asked the same question and decided the answer was yes. That's my way of hoping for the best and preparing for the worst. She's been in recovery for two years now, but that doesn't guarantee the future. It's a gift, just for today.

She no longer lives at home, but when she did, I kicked her out whenever she relapsed.

I'm with anvil -- secure the perimeter! Perhaps a separate bank account, so you can instantly move the money, will ease some of your anxiety. If this was truly a 'slip' on his part, he'll accept that with the help of his program.

zoso77

Well, I have to confess this isn't an original idea on my part. It is the view of my clinician, who happens to specialilze in addictions. When I was going through my issues with my then-AGF, my clinician and I often talked about the possibility of relapse. And, unforunately, it does happen, more often than not.

My point is just because someone relapses, it doesn't mean the clean time they've accrued is invalidated.

JMHO.

ZoSo

MsPINKAcres

I hate so much that you are in such a painful place ~ living with a chronic relapser can be extremely stressful, discouraging and rob you of all your Hope.

I am going to ask you a question that was asked to me at the time I was married to a chronic relapser (my now ex is an alcoholic/gambler & addict) . . . my sponsor asked me to step back, take a realistic look at my situation ~ not what could be, should be or may be ~ how I am living my life RIGHT NOW ~ the fear, aniexty, stress, drama and daily worries of living with a chronic relapsing active alcoholic/addict/gambler ~ if your daughter came to you and said this was her husband doing this ~ what would you want her to do?

"Because what you do is what you are teaching her to do." that's what my sponsor said to me~!

I am not saying this to upset you are influence you in anyway - it was just an eye opener for me ~ I was teaching my daughters by my example that it was ok to tolerate unacceptable behaviors from my spouse ~ to allow him to steal, lie and cheat ~ to be verbally and mentally abusive to me ~
If I wanted something different for them ~ I had to show them that WE were worth something different.

I do not know what is the right path for you and your family ~ I just know what was shared with me and what actions I had to take for me

I wish you & yours the very very best!

PINK HUGS,
Rita

zoso77

I can't disagree with this, AnvilHead. It's a valid point. Sometimes the addict in recovery isn't honest with themselves, let alone others. But I have to maintain the clean time isn't invalidated by the decision to pick up. I have no idea what the statistics are (or how they would be obtained), but I bet a lot of addicts do relapse after extended periods of clean time. Sometimes falling on their faces can lead to a long stretch of recovery.

In any event, I'm getting away from what the intention of my original post was, which was to offer comfort and encouragement to someone that is suffering.

ZoSo

Wife2anaddict

The thing is, I KNOW why he relapsed. I just have no business telling him or making him believe it or get it. He always starts out gung-ho. Always doing 90 in 90, reading his JFT, doing service work, committing, has willingess, gratitude etc. Then, after he gets comfortable, he starts going to 5 meetings a week. Then, church on Sunday or a meet up with his sponsor becomes a substitute for a meeting, and slowly, it turns into only 3-4 a week with various excuses. This is when I know he's headed for a relapse. He gets frustrated b/c many of his friends that have a lot of clean time are able to only go 3-4 times a week and still maintain a good recovery. It's his ego, complacency, whatever. It's like he knows the steps and how to apply them, but he has a certain amount of clean time, and he thinks, "Hey, I wanna stay home and watch a movie instead" and so starts the snowball. Unfortunately, he uses his "veteran" status as an excuse to not have to go 7 days a week. He's got notebooks FULL of stepwork, might read them over, but is not actively working steps. And, GOD, I KNOW how old it must get to have to go to a meeting every single day of your life to stay clean, but I really think that's what he needs to stay clean.
I say this to y'all, but yes I understand that I can't worry about him and need to worry about me and my kids. I do. I read, make phone calls, go to meetings, etc. My kids are well cared for. I love, nurture them, take them places with our without him, help with school work, read books, play with them, cook with them. I'm just here knowing I'm powerless, and I feel sad about what's happening to my husband/their father.

laurie6781

Yep, all my life,until I found sobriety I was a really GREAT Starter, and a real CHITTY Finisher. However, when I made it, at death's door (well actually I was through the door) and got my SECOND CHANCE to live, I KNEW WITHOUT A SHADOW OF A DOUBT this was it. I saw a lot of 'chronic relapsers' like your husband. It was then I first learned that 'relapse is a part of addiction', there is just some tiny 'something' that the A cannot or will not let go of, and bang they relapse, over and over and over.

Like Anvil's memory, I too have one of a particular person, His name was Jerry G. Oh he would come in, gung ho, work with his sponsor, to service work, lots of meetings, 'work the steps', and then anytime from 6months to 18 months, out he would go again. The last time, he had 1 day shy of 9 months. He was found about 2 weeks later, by the police, dead behind a Ralph's food market. Seems he had passed out too near the dumpster and was run over by the garbage truck.

(((((Wife))))) you have said he is a chronic relapser. This has gone on for 11 years. You know 'his past behavior is a good indication of his future behavior.' Now is the time for you to make some decisions for you and your child. If not you saying 'I cannot live with someone who is not clean,' your boundary may be I and our child cannot be with someone who cannot maintain recovery and we will have to separate.'

This is definitely not good for your peace of mine and serenity, think what it is for your child. Go take a gander at the Adult Child of an A forum and read, and see how it affects the child well into adulthood and sometimes for the rest of their life.

Or you will have to find ACCEPTANCE that this is as good as it will ever get. And then again, do you want to continue to subject your child to this.

We are here for you to the best of our ability. We all are in various stages of recovery. We all grow at different rates. So no criticism here that you are still with him, but I am asking that you take a look at this and see if it is time for you to re-evaluate your position.

We are walking with you in spirit.

Love and hugs,

KelleyF

I guess its personal opinion... personal philosophy ... whatever......but I dont think a relapse invalidates the work a person has already put in to clean up their life of drugs.

In fact, for a lot of people I think the belief that it does, along with the mandated 'now you go back to day 1' is damaging to their overall recovery.

Wife2anaddict

I'm not ready to make the boundary of "I will not live with an addict who has under X amount of recovery" I can't. I'm just not there yet. I know it's so easy to say, "I can't live like this anymore. You need to leave." It's an empty threat and I am not confident that I will follow through so I'm just not ready to say it or do it. I know many of you have been there before and endured the cycle. For me, it's really hard not to be hopeful. Right now the kids are eating supper and AH has his face in his step work in the bedroom. He's creating questions that he wants to ask his sponsor during their F2F tomorrow. I haven't made any suggestions or pushed these ideas on to him. I am WATCHING and I SEE willingess. Denial? Maybe. Right now, all I can do is go to every meeting that's available to me, read, work my steps, post and make phone calls. Do what I have to do to let go let God.

MsPINKAcres

((wife))

You are right ~ you do have to walk your own path! Only You and your HP know what is best for you ~ please keep sharing and seeking ~

We share our e, s, & h ~ ask the tough questions because that is what helped us ~

Prayers for the very best for YOU & YOURS!

PINK HUGS,
Rita

Kindeyes

Wife
I'm sorry you are dealing with this but I do admire you. Why? Because you are being honest and recognize your own limitations. You are absolutely right. If you know that "you aren't there yet" with any particular boundary, it won't be a boundary. You would be forcing things to happen that you aren't prepared for. Believe me, when I finally got to the point of divorcing my XAH, there was no question in my mind. The thought of staying with him was much more painful than actually leaving him was.

All of us can play Monday morning quarterback but we can't make the commitment FOR you. There is nothing in Nar-Anon or Al-anon that says the only way to deal with the addict is to leave them. That would make it a one step program.

Hopefully we are all sharing our experience strength and hope and we are not judging you.

I think many here have provided some great tools and thoughts. These things are merely suggestions or examples of how others have found serenity whether the addict is using or not.

Take care of you. You and your husband will be in my prayers.

gentle hugs
ke