quetzal

Hello Friends,

Having a tough time tonight, angry and lonely. I'm feeling so abandoned again. I know that he is so messed up but struggling with the feelings... still in shock that this person could be so black and white... he could say and do things and flip on me the way he did. I keep reminding myself that it isn't about me, not to take his actions personally but it's so hard not to when it impacted my life so tremendously. I am taking responsibility for my part in the relationship and if it hadn't been for this experience I wouldn't have even realized the issues that I had hidden inside of me. I recognize that I am a serious codie and that I need to focus on myself, my life and my future. This last year was all about him, saving him, making him feel better (or what I thought would help). He isn't happy with me or without me I guess. Hard to realize, Hard to think that he doesn't value me enough to try... and yes I know that it isn't about "US" I have to move beyond this and I hope to one day. Just tonight again I sit here missing his presence in the house. Hearing about his day... watching TV together and just lounging.

I'm certainly paying for my actions. I knew this person had problems when I first met him. I was so taken by his looks and wanted him more then I had ever wanted a guy. I set out to get him...it didn't matter to me, his problems I thought I could erase. I remember early on saying "Is this guy a jerk?" funny that before that I had never been in contact (relationship wise) with a person like this before so I couldn't believe it (chose not to). Alcoholic and the whole combo pack of drama. I think even if he weren't a drinker he would still be an AHOLE.... sad to say. I always get what I want and I sure did with this one. I tried to paint a pretty picture with no paint on my canvas, it just washed away...it wasn't real. He gave up on us before we even started. He gave up on himself long before I was ever in the picture. He never lied to me, he stated how he felt. He was always true to that, I just chose not to believe it, thought I could make that difference. Too many movies, to many fantasies in my mind. I was ready to be committed and found him in a vulnerable place. I wanted things that he clearly could not provide and yet I still came with expectations as I still do now. I see that I have them or I wouldn't be angry like I am or hurt like I am. I know that I would just understand.

Let go with love, if it were real love I would let go so that he could find his own way and his own time. I know this. I love him and have left him alone since the beginning. He called and text for weeks and I didn't respond. I know I'm better of because of it, even though my heart is in so much pain I know that I did the right thing for the both of us. The pain is so tremendous and I wish things had been different.

Any thoughts/reminders would greatly help, thank you again

quetzal

Thank you anvilhead, I think seeing him a few weeks ago really affected my healing process, I know I can't do that again. I've been super productive but crying in between the moments when I'm not so focused. I just feel unhappy and anxious all the time.

Thank you for your kindness

Ellensburg

Sweetie,
Right there with ya.... UGH... hurts I know... Getting over the loss is so tough. BUT do-able. (keep in mind, it's the loss. Ya know? Not so much him... The loss.) Keep writing to us.
You deserve to be happy.
ONE WORD:
DETACH. C'mon- you can do it. The brain (your brain) is a powerful tool. can be used for good and bad. USE IT TO DETACH.

lillamy

I don't know if this helps at all, but... you left and now you're doing the grieving of your dreams for the relationship. In that order.

I did it in the opposite order. So when I walked out, I was done -- only the guilt over leaving was left (and my ongoing recovery). The grief was done. I knew there was no future.

So in a perverse way, you might be better off feeling the pain now -- because if you had started grieving and felt the pain while still in the relationship, you would have leaned on him for support and gotten even more stuckified.

OK, lame attempt at seeing the silver lining. But it's late.

Hang in there. You are a valuable, amazing, strong person. Someone posted on Facebook today something along the lines of "When someone makes you cry, instead of wiping away your tears, wipe away the person who made you cry." I think it's good advice.

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You can't judge a book bye it's cover. I hope things work out for you. Good luck. logo