Plath

Wow.
When I write about all the triggers, how they originated, and how I react to them in my life today, my hand cramps up from so much writing.

The patterns in my life that have manifested from my childhood experiences are like some crazy, intricate web that I have to navigate my way through in order to see the whole picture.

It seems to me that, once the patterns have been set in place by a certain age, we choose or are exposed to people and situations that further complicate and add to those patterns.

I've noticed that not only am I insecure and defensive about things I like because of my mother's reaction to anyone disagreeing with her, but also because I was harassed in school for being "weird", and then later in life spent 10 years with a guy who ingrained in me the belief that certain tastes were superior to others, and that anyone who didn't agree was hardly worth talking to.

Basically, I spent 10 years with a guy who was ten years older than I was, looking up to him, and soaking up every word he said...including the idea that I wasn't artistic enough, creative enough, classy enough, etc.
So, in other words, I gravitated to a long-term relationship with someone who treated me the way that my mother treated me, even worse in some ways.

I wish that figuring this stuff out could come in a box, like a puzzle. Just keep putting the pieces together and eventually the whole maze of patterns will become visible.

I have to work tonight, and I really dislike my job.
I am hanging in there so that for once I might have a good reference. I have panic attacks before I have to make my drive to work.

I've noticed that I have small-scale panic attacks whenever I have to be somewhere at a certain time, like a doctor appointment, work, etc., especially if it's somewhere I don't want to go.

It's crazy (well, not really) how we gravitate towards people in our lives, or attract people who will exacerbate and add to our triggers and behavior patterns.

I could probably write about this stuff for another year, which seems kind of daunting, but I don't know where I should stop because with each trigger and subsequent behavior, I become aware of a million others!


Anyway, I just wanted to share here about this, sort of do my own "check in", so to speak...

Taking5

I am curious what your sponsor thinks of the status of your first step. Are you doing all the writing about triggers, how you react to things in life, being insecure and defensive, etc., is this because your sponsor is telling you to do this?

The reason I ask is that none of these things are first step activities, IMO.

Plath

Thanks for your input.

If you would like to share your thoughts on what the First Step means to you in ACA, I am interested in hearing other people's take on it.

There is a thread down a bit lower about the First Step on this forum, it might be worth looking at for a reference point here.

Taking5

ACA? I'm sorry I thought I was in the alcoholism forum.

hope2be

Plath:

I like your statement about figuring this stuff out could come in a box, like a puzzle. I feel like my life is a puzzle and parts of me just don't fit. I grew up in alcoholism and married into it. All of my adult children live in dysfunction and I know this is the root of it all.

You mentioned The Step Study...I do wish one would start specific to ACA. I already did Step 1 as a Codie, but my root issues are ACA...I think answers would be different.

It was easy to identify why I did things as a Codependent and see the wisdom of changing that behavior, etc. However, those deeeeeep feelings of "what is this and where did it come from???!!!" are the worst for me. I know those are ACA issues from way back when. I think that it why it is so difficult for me to identify and try to start fixing them...happened when I was too young to reason it all out.

Hope you can understand my jibber/jabber...it gets really muddled in my head when I try to sort it out. That's why I think a Step Study specifically for us ACAs would be wonderful. I still am unable to find a sponsor to do this with.

Huggs,
Hope

hope2be

Plath:

I like your statement about figuring this stuff out could come in a box, like a puzzle. I feel like my life is a puzzle and parts of me just don't fit. I grew up in alcoholism and married into it. All of my adult children live in dysfunction and I know this is the root of it all.

You mentioned The Step Study...I do wish one would start specific to ACA. I already did Step 1 as a Codie, but my root issues are ACA...I think answers would be different.

It was easy to identify why I did things as a Codependent and see the wisdom of changing that behavior, etc. However, those deeeeeep feelings of "what is this and where did it come from???!!!" are the worst for me. I know those are ACA issues from way back when. I think that it why it is so difficult for me to identify and try to start fixing them...happened when I was too young to reason it all out.

Hope you can understand my jibber/jabber...it gets really muddled in my head when I try to sort it out. That's why I think a Step Study specifically for us ACAs would be wonderful. I still am unable to find a sponsor to do this with.

Huggs,
Hope

Plath

I do understand what you're saying, Hope2be. ACA has been the only 12 step group that I've found that has helped me begin to address these issues in a way that helps lead to living in the solution, not continuing on as part of the problem.

Here is the link to the discussion (in case you haven't already read it) from a few weeks ago about Step One. While everyone has their own take and perspective on the steps, it's awesome to get input from a lot of people, and discuss the steps.

Here's the link, anyway:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-step-one.html

I think that, if those of us who are interested post with some consistency about how we interpret the steps, what we have learned from others, etc., we can all kind of make a go at it together.

Thanks for sharing here, and I believe that together (even if we're together in an online forum, we're still a part of the support and solution...together) we can do this.

Kialua

I'm so proud of you taking on these steps. I just get lost and can't concentrate. It just is over my head. I go off in a million directions, it make my head hurt. LOL.

Plath

it's a big pill to swallow, that's for sure. Makes my head hurt too, hahah.

bluebelle

You're doing great work. I understand what it feels like to have severe anxiety about work. I also know what it is like to be the weird kid at school, and to have the bf like that. LOL. I also feel anxiety on the way to doctor's appointments. Maybe it is because they are a person in authority?

Maybe you need to take a time to pause from writing down about the bad things that happened and the bad feelings? I know that I can get overwhelmed and consumed by thoughts of the past.

It sounds like you are frustrated by knowing that there are skills that you didn't gain as a child that you wished you had learned. That's how I feel. I think it will be a neverending challenge for me, but things can get better. I am better now than I was 5 years ago in terms of my depression/anxiety. I am also better in the sense that I am heading toward what I want in life. I think that the work you are doing is good, and I'm glad that you are working with a therapist. I think you will find that things will get better as you make little changes in your life.

Plath

Thanks, Bluebelle.

*sigh...* I know I'm going to ramble here, sorry...

I work in a women's homeless shelter that is about at least a forty minute commute in rush-hour traffic, and they have bedbugs there.
When I come home I have to immediately throw all of my clothes in the dryer on hot, and while I'm there I am doing a million things at the same time, including telling grown women when they can shower, do their laundry, go to bed, etc.
It's really uncomfortable for me, and I feel like the expectations are absurdly unrealistic for one person to be doing alone.

So, I *really* dislike my job.
I worked in a group home where I cared for 50 schizophrenic adults, monitored their medications, meals, etc., by myself, and I loved my job.
I think I only had panic attacks before work at that time if I was having some sort of major personal issue.

I guess it just comes down to having to be places I don't want to be, be there on time, and not be late, hahah.

As a kid, it seemed like I always had some irritating doctor appointment (I've always had glasses and dental problems), and my mom was always in a neurotic frenzy in the mornings while we were getting ready for school and work--screaming at me, hurling vicious insults about how lazy I was, etc. I always felt so rushed and bullied when I needed to be somewhere on time.

I think we both mentioned in another post that we are both often guilty of being tardy... I don't know if it's authority figures, or just always getting yelled at relentlessly while I got ready to go anywhere...

Ughh. I don't have a therapist yet, as my insurance just took effect at the beginning of the month, but I know that I need one!

For now, you guys are all I have to express these feelings (although my husband tries to do his part) and have a sounding board, so to speak.

Thanks for being here.

bluebelle

That sounds like a situation that would cause a lot of anxiety. I have worked with that population, too, but not in the exact same situation. I find it very stressful to be in a position where I am doing the job of two people--or more. It sounds like that is part of the problem. I have often gotten myself in the position where I am anxious or depressed about my job. I think that part of it is that I have difficulty standing up for myself. So, the employers put more and more pressure on me. Eventually, the pressure just gets to be too much.

I am usually tardy. Growing up, I would have been the one who got up and got ready. My mom hated mornings. She was especially grumpy if I was running late for school and I asked her for a ride. She would take me, but it wasn't without a lot of complaining and giving me a hard time. The schools would give me a hard time for being late, too.

Part of my problem is that I was never taught organizaton skills. My mom would just yell at me--throw things--hit me--tell me how terrible I was if I did something wrong. I was given household responsibilities at a very young age. That would have been o.k. if it wasn't about me being bullied while I did the task. It is interesting that you used that term, because that's how it was for me.

I'm glad you shared that because it helped me realize how I felt.

Can you talk to somebody at work about the situation? Could they maybe rotate your responsibilities? It seems like maybe you could balance some of your time working with clients with doing paperwork or something.

Plath

It never ceases to leave me with a feeling of "WOW..." when we all share our stories, and realize how much common ground we have.

While of course I'm not happy that we all had to experience these things, I am so happy that we have each other here so that we don't feel quite so damaged, like we'll never be able to be "fixed". That's how I feel when I read and post on here, anyway.

Thankfully, I gave notice to my supervisor at the other shelter I was working at, because it was downright dangerous and I didn't want to work the full 12 hour overnight shifts that they expect people to work (same organization, different shelters).

I gave her my reasons for my notice (it was dangerous, and there was way too much to do in a short period of time), and told her that I would be willing to work split shifts when people want to come in late for their shifts. She did make changes accordingly to the shelter I gave notice at, but she didn't seem to pick up on the similarities of the responsibilities of the two shelters.

I scaled back to just being on-call, so I only work four-hour shifts twice a month now, and that will only last until March. And really, that's quite enough, hahah.

Mostly, I just want to leave with a good reference and have to option to work if I want/need the money. I have left so many jobs due to personality conflicts and on bad terms (hello, ACA issues) that I really need a good reference.

I'm kind of afraid to tell her that all the work that is expected in that short four hour period is stressful and unrealistic for someone who is not a full-time employee, so I'm guessing I'll just work the rest of my shifts and move on to something else...
Maybe go back to school for something a bit less stressful if I can squeeze in the time, or just go back to working in mental health facilities...

The other thing that creates so much dread for me is that I simply do not know how to set boundaries with the women there.
They are not much different from me, and many of them are older than I am. They are generally fully mentally capable adults who may have behavior problems, but I have a hard time wanting to be "liked" by the clients, although I do follow all of the policies, procedures, etc.
But it's a trigger for me, and it stresses me out.

When they don't "like" me, it triggers the same feelings of rejection that I had as a child, and throughout school.
I don't show it at work, of course, but it makes it kind of a bad fit for me.

It's embarrassing for me to admit that to anyone... I feel so unprofessional that it should bother me at all.


I like the point you made about never having been taught organizational skills. Me neither. I was just screamed at, told I was stupid and couldn't do anything for myself, and so my mom did everything for me (another thing that was always pointed out, even though she created that reality herself).

Ughh. Well, at least I only work once in a while there, so I don't have to deal with it very often. And it's nice to have just a little bit of extra income here and there, until I find a better fit.

Willybluedog

Plath, you need to stop apologizing for going off on tangents, hijacking threads, etc.

These conversations go where they go, the free thinkimg is what makes them so valuable.

You are a vital contributor here, what you say has value, every single time you post you contribute something important to the conversation.

Just let it flow from your heart, you have nothing to worry about.

Big hugs,

Bill

Plath

Thank you, Bill.

I do need to hear that, because even though we all have such a nice support system and great interaction on here, I still feel like I'm flinching when I see how long my posts are. As though someone is silently berating me for being selfish or narcissistic by posting lengthy responses or threads.

I guess they call that our Inner Critic?

So yes, my inner critic is constantly looking over my shoulder, scolding me, telling me that I should always feel ashamed or embarrassed about everything I do.

So thank you for that affirmation. I know that when I went to other 12 step meetings, I often heard something like "we'll accept you until you can accept yourself", and I feel that here too.

I became so upset when I started thinking about my extended family that I haven't written on my step in the past few days...
I think it's time to write one of those letters that I will never send, and just get it all out there.

Thanks again for being here, and for your support.

Plath

I know what you mean about trust, ady gil. I don't really trust anyone either. There's always *some* scenario where they could turn on me (in my head), even if that's the least likely thing to happen.

Also, I'm just finally starting to hone in on my "red flag alerts" when it comes to people I am willing to open up to or have in my life.

Doctors and friends are easier than coworkers for me.
I can't choose my coworkers, and if they're toxic and dysfunctional, I am totally reduced to that frightened little girl who is stuck with craziness around her and doesn't know how to react to it.

I've recently been asked by a girl who gives me the "red flag feeling" if I would like to get together (we live in the same building and she often babysits my son with my mother in-law, as they're almost inseparable) for coffee, etc.

I know that she has good intentions, and I would like some company, but she is clingy, codependent, and doesn't seem to understand boundaries or personal space (literally or figuratively). I had a very good friend like that for a long time, and she really helped me a lot...but she also became way too involved in my personal life, my relationships, etc., and we have disengaged from each other over the last few years.

I do feel badly for my neighbor, as she's had as rough of a life as any of us, and I think that she's probably also a bit bipolar.

But I've realized that, just because the company is available, it doesn't always mean that I want that person in my life, or that they're a healthy option to have as a friend.

I have my own toxicity to deal with, and I figure if it leaves me anorexic in the friend department for a while, so be it...

But yeah, coworkers...not much I can do about them. I can try to learn how to navigate around dysfunctional people that I have no choice in having in my life, or disengage from them as often as possible, but for now it still drives me crazy.
I'm glad sometimes that I'm alone at work, even though it's a job that should require two people.