Recovery VS Relationship
Egomaniac +Inferiority Complex
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2011
Location: London, ON, Canada
Posts: 15
Recovery VS Relationship
As an alcoholic addict in recovery with marriage issues, I believe the visitors to this board may be able to provide some really worthwhile feedback on my thread:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ationship.html
I would appreciate any insight at all. Many thanks in advance.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ationship.html
I would appreciate any insight at all. Many thanks in advance.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Quebec
Posts: 2,708
Um yeah...this is all reeeeeal fresh and you seem to be on a sort of "sobriety/recovery high" and she doesn't seem to be ready to join you. She may well be feeling...suspicious/doubtful of your 7 months of sobriety, after *years* of being hurt by your addiction.
IMO, it's time to let go and let HP do his/her/its own thing. You've already figured out that you're in good hands, right? So trust that and give it time.
IMO, it's time to let go and let HP do his/her/its own thing. You've already figured out that you're in good hands, right? So trust that and give it time.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: USA
Posts: 3,095
It seems to me that after years of living under the influence, you might want to consider that your wife is the one with a better grasp on what living life on life's terms is like. I kind of cringed when I read some of what you said (your interpretation of your wife's behavior). Seems to me that your focus should be 100% on you, not her. One thing I found intolerable in my now estranged AH, was his attitude at times (sober, drunk, etc...) that he was on a pedastal and I needed to be "taught" about life from him. Maybe I am reading too much into your thread, but I detect a tone of that in your writing. I think that humility is important for all of us and plays a pretty big role in recovery on both sides of the street and something about your post makes me wonder how you are doing with that?
Congrats on the months of sobriety.
Congrats on the months of sobriety.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: right here, right now
Posts: 6,516
The recovery on this side, for family and friends, just like for you, starts with Step One: Admitting that we were powerless over the DOC and that our lives had become unmanageable.
I can tell you my experience: I did not for a second think that my life was unmanageable until I came to Al-Anon. My life was just fine, thank you. The only problem I had was the unmanageable drunk of a husband I had. With him out of my life, things would be just peachy.
It took me the better part of 15 years to go to Al-Anon. And there, I recognized that I had built up a whole bunch of coping strategies that were unhealthy for me and for the children -- and that those would be there regardless of whether that pesky drunk was in my life or not... if I didn't do anything about it.
One thing that I don't know if AA talks about, but that Al-Anon talks about a lot, is the need for DETACHMENT: How enmeshed you as the spouse of an alcoholic become with the alcoholic. You can't tell where your feelings end and where his/hers start. And part of the recovery process is to separate yourself from the other person and start letting them take responsibility for their actions -- and you take responsibility for yours. I'd say that's something YOU can do in this: You can let her be who she is, let her life her life and deal with this the way she chooses to.
I'll tell you the same thing the people above me have, which is the same thing I'd tell the spouse of a recovering addict: Focus on YOUR recovery. Leave hers to her. And leave the rest up to God.
I can tell you my experience: I did not for a second think that my life was unmanageable until I came to Al-Anon. My life was just fine, thank you. The only problem I had was the unmanageable drunk of a husband I had. With him out of my life, things would be just peachy.
It took me the better part of 15 years to go to Al-Anon. And there, I recognized that I had built up a whole bunch of coping strategies that were unhealthy for me and for the children -- and that those would be there regardless of whether that pesky drunk was in my life or not... if I didn't do anything about it.
One thing that I don't know if AA talks about, but that Al-Anon talks about a lot, is the need for DETACHMENT: How enmeshed you as the spouse of an alcoholic become with the alcoholic. You can't tell where your feelings end and where his/hers start. And part of the recovery process is to separate yourself from the other person and start letting them take responsibility for their actions -- and you take responsibility for yours. I'd say that's something YOU can do in this: You can let her be who she is, let her life her life and deal with this the way she chooses to.
I'll tell you the same thing the people above me have, which is the same thing I'd tell the spouse of a recovering addict: Focus on YOUR recovery. Leave hers to her. And leave the rest up to God.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Posts: 225
Geordie- First of all, congratulations on your seven months of sobriety. You're off to a good start, but it is only a start.
You said ¨Now that I am growing my Spirituality, I need communication, connection, an emotional bond, in my relationships. ¨
Um, what about all the things your wife needed and didn't get from you in all those years you were drinking? You seem to be serious about your recovery.That's great. But just think about seven months compared to six years. Your wife will come around (or not) in her own time. But that's up to her. Perhaps you should keep concentrating on your own recovery and leave your wife in HP's hands. Wishing the best for both of you.
You said ¨Now that I am growing my Spirituality, I need communication, connection, an emotional bond, in my relationships. ¨
Um, what about all the things your wife needed and didn't get from you in all those years you were drinking? You seem to be serious about your recovery.That's great. But just think about seven months compared to six years. Your wife will come around (or not) in her own time. But that's up to her. Perhaps you should keep concentrating on your own recovery and leave your wife in HP's hands. Wishing the best for both of you.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 2,059
well done with the sobriety, geordie.
regarding your question to us here in friends and family, my feeling is you are a brave man to venture here!
as others have said, 7 months is not a long time. in fact, it's less time than the one year she had to deal with two small children without you.
and now, you are in recovery and asking MORE from her? you want her to open up MORE, go to alanon, go to couple therapy and speak to your AA sponsor's wife?
you stated that your wife went to psychotherapy during your separation, so she sounds as if she is open to therapy and will seek help when she needs it. in her own way. in her own time.
what i read into your posts is that your emotional needs are not currently being met in your relationship with your wife. i am not sure that you understand how deep the scars are from living with and loving an addict.
as for her promotion celebration, why don't you try listening to what she is communicating?...she is saying she does not feel supported in her career by you ... perhaps ask her why she feels that...what can you do to support her more? perhaps there is a compromise with the work event...you attend the ceremony and skip the party for a meeting? perhaps it is important to her that her collegues see you two together...perhaps she doesn't want to make the drive alone .... only way to find out is to ask her.
you also said that she puts her work first...this might be about protecting the children as she's already had to be a single mom for a year...chances of relapse are distressingly high...i would render a guess that as a potentially future single mother of two small children, she is doing it to keep them safe, maintain her financial independenc and ensure the children's future...
regarding your question to us here in friends and family, my feeling is you are a brave man to venture here!
as others have said, 7 months is not a long time. in fact, it's less time than the one year she had to deal with two small children without you.
and now, you are in recovery and asking MORE from her? you want her to open up MORE, go to alanon, go to couple therapy and speak to your AA sponsor's wife?
you stated that your wife went to psychotherapy during your separation, so she sounds as if she is open to therapy and will seek help when she needs it. in her own way. in her own time.
what i read into your posts is that your emotional needs are not currently being met in your relationship with your wife. i am not sure that you understand how deep the scars are from living with and loving an addict.
as for her promotion celebration, why don't you try listening to what she is communicating?...she is saying she does not feel supported in her career by you ... perhaps ask her why she feels that...what can you do to support her more? perhaps there is a compromise with the work event...you attend the ceremony and skip the party for a meeting? perhaps it is important to her that her collegues see you two together...perhaps she doesn't want to make the drive alone .... only way to find out is to ask her.
you also said that she puts her work first...this might be about protecting the children as she's already had to be a single mom for a year...chances of relapse are distressingly high...i would render a guess that as a potentially future single mother of two small children, she is doing it to keep them safe, maintain her financial independenc and ensure the children's future...
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Right here, right now!
Posts: 3,424
I think that the word recovery and the word relationship are mutually exclusive words. For me though without recovery I have no chance at any sustainable relationships.
When versus is thrown in there it reads to me like it is either or. It sounds like recovery and relationship are getting ready for a boxing match.
My eating disorder recovery has changed my relationships. Strengthened some, but made me realize some others were not to be in my life at that moment in time. The part I had to learn being the loved one of a person with problem drinking is that I can't work someone else's recovery for them, or tell them what their recovery has to look like.
I do best when I remember that sometimes my best lessons are the ones that make me really uncomfortable in the moment.
Best of luck to you and your loved ones during this rollar coaster of a time.
When versus is thrown in there it reads to me like it is either or. It sounds like recovery and relationship are getting ready for a boxing match.
My eating disorder recovery has changed my relationships. Strengthened some, but made me realize some others were not to be in my life at that moment in time. The part I had to learn being the loved one of a person with problem drinking is that I can't work someone else's recovery for them, or tell them what their recovery has to look like.
I do best when I remember that sometimes my best lessons are the ones that make me really uncomfortable in the moment.
Best of luck to you and your loved ones during this rollar coaster of a time.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Posts: 225
To Adipsia- I know there has been some controversy over your posts here. And up until now I have been on your side. But I find your comment about a lynch mob to be totally inappropriate. I believe that you have much to offer here. But cheap shots as the one mentioned above do no one any good.
To Geordie-I have already offered my thoughts to you. I hope you will keep coming back to share and hear the ESH of those of us who only wish the best for you.
To Geordie-I have already offered my thoughts to you. I hope you will keep coming back to share and hear the ESH of those of us who only wish the best for you.
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
Ladies and gentlemen, I have removed a couple of posts that cross the line. If you feel you cannot say what you mean without saying it mean, then please walk away from the keyboard.
__________________________________________________ ________________
Hi Geordie, Congratulations on the clean time!! That's fantastic. I hope you keep it up....
As has already been pointed out, your wife's recovery is her own. When and how she goes about it is her own decision. When and if she ever trusts you again is her own business. If you truly want to help her, perhaps think about encouraging her to do what she needs to do for her own peace and happiness.
The very best of luck to you as you move forward.
__________________________________________________ ________________
Hi Geordie, Congratulations on the clean time!! That's fantastic. I hope you keep it up....
As has already been pointed out, your wife's recovery is her own. When and how she goes about it is her own decision. When and if she ever trusts you again is her own business. If you truly want to help her, perhaps think about encouraging her to do what she needs to do for her own peace and happiness.
The very best of luck to you as you move forward.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
