phoebe64

I was here over a year ago, thinking I was all set and sober. Well, I have relapsed. I started sobriety after a diagnisis of diabetes and liver disease. I stayed sober for several months, and then had the occasional drink or two(evn at the permission of my liver doc). Well, I was not entirely honest with myself or docs about my drinking, and so, much of my liver disease was attributed to obesity, diabetes, and then aggrivated by unhealtyh drinking.

But, when I get into it, I can drink alot of wine. I have done so well, losing 60 pounds, and i control my diabetes with good eating. i try to exercise, but get behind on that.

i got back into drinking when I allowed myself to indulge on vacation in August. Since then, I have been consuming wine a few nights a week, and sometimes nightly.

Amazingly, my liver bloodwork and other bloodwork was still good back in early December. SOmehow that made me think I could drink safely. God! Al this stupid rationalization.

So, i think i really do need support in this. When I first quit in September 2010, I was so frightened with the health scares I faced, I thought I would never drink again. I had no desire. Time passed, I lost weight, i felt great, and I miss the social aspect of it the most. My husband drnks and its what we do on a weekend, or TV night. I do not think he will ever stop.

It is really hard to resist when he cracks a beer most nights after his workout. Ugh.

Of course I am under the weather after drinking last night, so emotional and feeling a bit crappy. Not too bad, but depression and anxiety are running high. How do i stop hating myself.

Thanks for reading.

rochele

phoebe64

excuse my terrible typing! i am too tired to fix it all.

BTW, I am 47, a mother of two great kids, elementary ages. I need ot get my act together. I hide my problem very well from the world, and my husband is ever the enabler. But this is my problem, not his. We do not fight abou tit either. he is happy to drink with me, and so I feel very alone trying to quit.

I have considered meetings. But I live in a rather gossipy community, upscale and am terrified of seeing people I know at meetings. It seems it would be good to have some sober friends to have coffee or something, to balance all the socializing we do with wine flowing.

Today, I need ot stop feeling so anxious and as if I have killed myself. I am afraid I have further pickled my liver. But it rebounded well with just a few months of sobriety before.

I need ot be sober for my health. This I know.

Okay. Purging here. Sorry.

Sapling

Even if you did...They would be there for the same reason you are...It's funny how we never worry about people we know seeing us passed out face down on a bar...Yet the thought of someone seeing us trying to save our lives...Terrifies us. They won't gossip...And if they do...Let em. Welcome and good luck.

P.S.....I don't miss the social part of drinking....All those people I was scared to see...Are my best friends now.

Deborah55

That's a tough situation. I am on day 20. My husband brought home a bottle of my favorite the other day. However I am at the point to where all I could do is remember how my insides hurt so bad when I quit. I want to keep that memory close..maybe you could also? My brain is telling me I want to live. I hope you find something that will trigger for you a new idea for a new way of living. Maybe take a long walk with some fresh air. So many on this site give great advice. Take care of yourself.

Remember quote: "Its ok to look back, just don't stare."

phoebe64

Thank you. See, I do not really ever go face down on a bar. Just sit here and have a bottle of wine and watch TV, and feel like crap the next day. And so the cycle goes. In public, I am the school volunteer, field trip mom, etc... I care for my dad who is in a nursing home. Most people think I stopped drinking or just have the occasional glass or two. At least before, I was an honest drunk. Now I hide it because I did come clean to some frinds about my health issues. I hoped it would help to keep me straight.

Anyway, thanks for the support and replies. It is true that if I saw someone at a meeting we are there for the same reason. I bet my neighbor goes to some. Maybe I will get up the nerve to talk to him someday. He quit drinking maybe 20 years ago, and it pretty open about it.

I am so ashamed for people to know how big a problem I have. Ugh. But how else can I have help, right?

Even when I was sober, it was a lie, because I just told people I was not drinking because its better for my diabetes and weigh tloss, etc...

More than ever, since I have relapsed, I have a very hard time stopping at one or two glasses of wine. I have to see the bottom of the bottle. Then, I might even go for one of hubby's beers.

phoebe64

Deborah, does you husband know you have quit? Why do they get us our favorite drink when they know we want to quit?

My husband will not buy it if I ask him to stop. We just have gotten back into a pattern of having alcohol together, and he just does not question it. If i ask for some, he picks it up. Or I will. But, even knowing I have serious liver issues, he would never fight with me about it. I think it is because he knows that means he has to take a good look at his own drinking. He is in control, but can drink quite alot at time as well.

Sapling

That may not be a bad idea....And the face down on the bar thing was me. I was good at that...The drinking at home alone thing came later.

Dee74

welcome back Rochele

Fear was useful for me to get started on recovery - but it never lasted...it's hard to think about the damage we did when we start to feel well again or we get a good report from the Dr.

I think supports vital to keep us going - especially if there's a part of us thats still a little unsure we want to stop...

There's many different approaches and methods of recovery around - some have face to face meeting, others online ones, some don't have meetings at all.

Here's some links to some of the main players:

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...formation.html

I recommend you visit the Secular Connections forum if you think you may benefit from a non 12 step approach

D

IndaMiricale

Welcome

You found a great place here and if you talk to your neighbor or go to a meeting thats great to. It cant hurt to help yourself.

And I dont care what people think of me , cause truly its none of my business. And unfortunaltly gossip has nothing to do with upscale even when I was homeless people still gossiped.

katrinka

Our stories are so similar, Rochelle. My liver doctor told me I would have to have a liver biopsy if my blood work wasn't improved so the thought of that is helping to keep me from listening to the voice in my head that says just a little wine won't hurt. I know I can't control it. Thinking about my kids helps, too. The time I've spent with them being sober is so great and I regret the times I could have been talking with them instead of zoning out from wine.

phoebe64

Thanks all. I don't want to drink...tonight. so that much is easy. I am having a guilt and anxiety day. Not even because I had a terrible night, but because I realized I drank yet again, for so many eves in a row. After so many promises to myself to take the week off and just have one on Sat. night. That just is not going to happen.

I have had a liver biopsy. It wasn't great. But, if I live well(and for me it incuded weight loss and diabetes control as well as drinking), I should be ok. I do see a hepatologist yearly. He even said I can have an occasional drink! That was all I needed to hear. Ugh... Of course I was never fully honest about how much wine I drank.

It has been a bad day filled with regret and anxiety.

I need to focus on my successes: I did lose 60 pounds, control my diabetes without meds, and was sober for several months and very controlled with the occasional drinking for a few more. But things snuck up on me.

Thankfully, even after drinking for a few months, my last 2 checkups showed normal bloodwork on my liver and diabetes. SO, part of my disease was due to fat and diabetes, as well as alcohol pouring fuel on the flames of exisitng fatty liver disease.

I just need to get over it and stop. Funny, I avoid so many things, and eat very well for my liver. How did I get myself back to this?

phoebe64

One issue I have, that drives me to drink, is feeling lonely, bored. I was caring ofr an elderly aunt(in addition to assiting my dad who is in a nursing home, and I have 2 young kids). I was so tired and depressed over it, I sort of dropped alot of social stuff.

Anyway, so i resolve to be done drinking today, and just got an invitation to a "nightcap" party at someone's home on Thursday. And I would really like to go and hang with the ladies, but it would be weird to go and not drink. Though, i do not even feel like I would want a drink righ tnow. i suppose I could bring some mineral water and claim a new diet.

But then, I wonder if I want to put myself in that situation so soon after a resolution. I really need to get out and be social. I want to go. Ugh. I did this for months when I thought I was quitting forever. And I was fine and had fun, actually, just hanging and being sober.

Trying to recapture that feeling good to just wake up feeling good thing... that kept me going alot. You forget how feeling normal in the morning is really pretty darn good.

Sapling

I hate to ask...But what is a "nightcap" party?

phoebe64

Nothing to do with drinks, you were a silly hat! JK.

It is not a regular thing, it is what the friend put in her email. Inviting people for an evening drink after getting the kiddoes to bed. An evening drink, a "nightcap." So, it is very specifically a party designed around drinking. No games, no selling tupperware, lol.

Might be tough first week in, huh? Though once I made up my mind last time I did this, I really was fine hanging and not drinking and having fun. I discovered I could have fun without the wine.

The greatest tempation is the fridge full of beer in the basement(when I am trying to be sober, though wine is my drink). Or, sitting with my husband to watch a movie, or doing anything with him. he drinks. So, then I want a glass(or 3 or 4) of wine. Though I have 3 bottles on the rack behind me right now(leftover from a Superbowl party), and am not tempted at all tonight. I just feel done with it. I hope that lasts.

I just know after some time, I miss my friend in the pretty glass.

Sapling

I kind of figured that's what it was...I don't know....Not gonna tell you what to do or not to do. It's too bad it's not a tupperware party. Watch out for your friend in the pretty glass. It's really not much of a friend at all.

artsoul

Welcome rochele!

Sounds like you've accomplished a lot (losing weight, getting sober, doing all the good "mom" things.....). You can do this, too! It does take a strong commitment and a little time to get used to, but it gets easier as you go along.

You're right about waking up feeling good in the morning...... it's addictive!

One way I keep motivated is to come here every day and read...... it reminds me of where I've been and/or don't want to go. Glad you're here!

FlyerFan

You don't have to be ashamed of this. And talking to your neighbor sounds like a good idea. Nobody is going to judge you when you walk into a meeting. If you see someone you know just smile and say hello. what happens in that room stays in that room.

My work place is as gossipy as they get, and about 4 or 5 people that I work with I have seen at meetings and none of them will ever breathe a word of it. we all go for the same reason, to get better.

I wish you good luck in your journey, please come here and talk to us when you need help. Also attend the chat meetings, they are very helpful

GoMan

Hi Rochele

You alluded a couple of times that your husband drinks in the evenings after workouts and while watching TV etc. It sounds like that's an activity that you two have shared with some enjoyment.

Do you think that's a trigger? Would he stop drinking if you asked him- especially in your early sobriety period?

Good luck...GoMan

phoebe64

We would not fight about it, but I have indicated it would be easier for me to be sober if he would stop drinking. Truth is, if i did not have the liver issues, I might still drink. Silly, I know. The problems it caused me were more physical than social. But, i realize now that alcohol is seriously tied into alot of anxiety issues. I think the chemical storm of it in my body just puts the anxiety over the edge.

But, I do not think he will ever stop drinking to help me. I am sure he does not want to do that. We do not have th ebest relationship. He is a great father, has a good job, but pays little attention or affection to me. It has long been a problem. But, he is not deep or very connected to stuff like that. Just not how he is with anyone.

GoMan

I understand Rochele. I asked because my wife drinks a glass or two of wine most evenings. She is not the alcoholic but I am! I have probably been an alcoholic for 20 years. We have been married for the past 24 years and I have tried to quit drinking the past 5 years. My situation is of the ultimatum type. I get caught drinking again and she will leave. I'm fairly hi-functioning and do my job etc.

I have been sober for a year two different times. My wife currently thinks that I have been sober for the past 3 years or so but I have just been taking my drinking underground. Up until the past 5 years, we would drink most evenings and watch TV etc. We have 3 kids so we didn't really go out a lot. That was our relaxation. Well, obviously my drinking progressed beyond TV watching with my wife. I would stay up late and drink by myself etc. Still get up and go to work the next day feeling like crap...

While my wife supported in my "early moments" of sobriety, she didn't have wine in the house etc., that has gradually changed. I think she thinks that I have been magically cured! She is back to the drinking in front of me. Here is my issue- I want to stop drinking but it is tough when she drinks. I also understand that the alcoholism is my issue. We hardly ever talk when there is no alcohol involved. Our marriage is mediocre at best but I do think there is love on both sides. But if she is having her glass or two and I am sneaking my vodka, we have a relaxed nice evening for the most part.

My problem is that I am playing with fire and I will get caught and lose the marriage and family etc. So I am back to day one with another ernest effort to stop drinking. I do attend AA and from the surface look like I am doing all right. I can't explain any of this to my wife so I continue to silently suffer.

Sorry for the lengthy reply as I should have probably started my own thread but my wife drinking in front of me is a huge trigger that I need to deal with.

thanks!