Willybluedog

I really don't care that my mom treats me like crap, she has been doing it for 49 years, I am used to it, but tonight she did it to my kids again.

It is my moms birthday, and if it were just me I would not call her, but I am trying to keep my dad off my back and have the kids call and say happy birthday to their grammy.

You know how kids are, they are proud of what they are doing, my daughter has the lead in the school play, track is starting soon, she has a new boyfriend, grammy lets her talk for maybe 20 seconds before she says "is your brother there" you can hear it in my daughters voice, she says "yeah gram he's right here, love you" and hands the phone over, my son does not fare any better, she says she has to go, she has not gulped down any wine for about a minute so she is starting to get edgy.

I know I should not expect any better from her, but damn, she breaks my kids hearts, and they just keep trying to wring more out of her, and my dad pushes me so damn hard to keep them in their life even though my mom does not deserve it.

I am sorry, I am just pissed, I am hurting for my kids, my mom could drop dead right now and it would not bother me one bit, in fact I probably would do the wicked witch dance from the Wizard of Oz.

My kids are starting to grasp what it means to be an alcoholic, and that grammy is sick, but at 11 & 13, it does not make them hurt any less.

Thanks for letting me get this out of my system, you all are so good to me, and good for me.

Crying for my kids,

Bill

Plath

I am so sorry that you and your kids are having to experience that, Bill.

I suppose that your children have the right to decide whether they want her in their lives or not, and I am guessing that you have probably debated long and hard whether or not you want her in their lives (or yours).

In the end, it's really not your dad's decision whether or not you want her around your children. It's your decision, and theirs.

My thoughts are with you and your family tonight, hang in there and do what is right for all of you.

Willybluedog

Thank you so much, I struggle so much, my sister walked away from my dad over some repressed memory BS and it nearly killed him, he is so good to my kids that I really try to accomodate him, he knows my mom is a mess, he has been enabling her so long he just cannot stop, I agonize over this.

Thank you so much for the kind word, you are such a source of support for me.

Big hugs,

Bill

Suffocating

So sorry you are going through that and that your children have to be a part of that dynamic. Your post reminded me of something I just read in our ACOA book tonight about how growing up, we were given the mixed message that their behavior was excusable because they were drunks, etc. I guess all you can do is educate your kids about the disease as much as possible, but also let them know that their grammy's behavior is un-excusable and not normal. Also, that it doesn't define who they are. Maybe that will help with their hurt feelings.

On another note, standing up for your children is never a bad thing either because it lets them know that you value what grammy isn't valuing about them. Setting some boundaries with your dad could be in order too.

Man, that was my crap attempt at some advice. I'm so sorry. You have every right to feel the way that you do. I hope it gets better for you. I am here for you.

******{BIG HUGS}}}}

Impurrfect

(((Bill))) - I'm sorry your mom was so short with your kids. I really have no experience with this, other than having watched my niece grow up, her other grandparents often were rude, unsupportive and after a while of trying to talk to them, she shut THEM out. I think she's started talking to them, occasionally, but now it's on her terms. Her paw-paw she adores, mee-maw? Not so much.

I guess what I'm saying is she was hurt..by them, by her bio-dad but she's learned to distance herself. She's not my kid but it angers me when someone does her wrong. These kids know who's there for them, and your kids have some pretty awesome and supportive parents.

Who knows, by your mom's next birthday, they may cut HER short. I know you hurt for your dad.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

EveningRose

I'm sorry. :-(

At a certain point, you have every right to put your kids first. Continue seeing your dad with them, but lay it on the line with him that she's hurting them.

Willybluedog

Thank you all for your kind words and good advice. My big struggle is that my dad is such a good grandpa, he is always spoiling them, bringing them presents, he would spend hours on the phone with them every day if they would let him.

We have had our battles over my mother, and my dad say "just because she is not a good mother, that is not an excuse not to be a good son". And I see some truth in that.

My kids are getting old enough to really understand what is going on, we talk about my work in therapy, my step work with ACOA, and of course SR and what I do here. They no that I talk to several wonderful and supportive people who I have come to call friends.

I hope some day that my mother regrets how she has treated them, but that would require a level of self awareness that someone who drinks six bottles of wine a day just does not have.

Any-hoo, I am doing much better this morning, your support helps so much, I was an angry, emotional mess last night, seeing the hurt in their eyes makes me want to drive to Florida and get in my mothers face and scream "do you have any idea how much you are hurting your grandchildren", but we all know that's an exercise in futility.

Thanks again for being there, the comfort, and the good advice, big hugs to all of you.

Bill

Luweez

Have you talked to your kids about Alateen? It saved me when I was struggling with my families alcohol issues?

Thumper

I'm sorry. That does sound painful.

I am finding it such a fine line to walk. Our lives are very small (just me and my kids mostly) and I try to walk a line between cutting people out (that bring both a lot of good and some bad to our life) and having at least one other person that we can count on so we don't feel like such an island. I struggle with this more and more. I find myself sliding in my recovery a little bit because I am trying to control and manage an entire situation. Very frustrating, exhausting, and disheartening. Why is it that we end up protecting ourselves from our family more then anyone else

heathersweeds

Hi WBD
I am so sorry you and your children are going thru this! I can really picture your poor daughter's heartbreaking as she handed the phone over to her brother. I don't even know what I would do cause your dad is so good.
All I can think of your mother is very sick and "suffering" in her own rotting away addiction. This is no excuse though! ANYONE that hurts my children get the mama bear reaction from me!!
I had a father like your mom. He just passed. I did go out to comfort him in his last days. But I have nothing there for him.
We are here for you WBD! If nothing else the support here can be soothing.

GingerM

I like the ala-teen idea.

Since you're already so open with your kids, this would be a good time to talk to them about the end of the path of alcoholism. Never too early to start teaching them that when the alcohol controls you, this is where it leads.

Is there any way you can set it up so that your dad can visit you without her? That way they can see their good grampa without having to deal with the fallout of the bad?

Your kids are lucky that they're getting the straight scoop from you. Keep reinforcing that the problem is with your mom, not with them, they'll hear it.

I cry for your kids too.

aasharon90

I have to constantly remind myself to
not hate the person but rather hate the
disease.

I have emotionally, physically, physcologically,
divorced myself from the illness that is present
in my biological family. Esp. my mom.

I drank to numb those resentful, angry feelings
I harbored over the physical, verbal, emotional
abuse sustained from her for yrs. However, today
I am 21 yrs sober and finally living a happier, safer
life than ever before.

When my babies were little and I brought them
to visit her, she scolded them and wanted them
to not touch anything in her house. Control was
the issue. As a child I learned to manicure my parents
yrd. and house as if we were living in a museum.

So perfect, so ridgit.

I didnt want my kids to be subjected to that kind
of behavior, so no more visits unless she orchestrated
them in a controlled resturant inviroment.

Soooooo sad.

To this day, i have no contact with her and as much
as I know that we are to respect our parents or honor
them, i cant and placed her in the hands of the Man
upstairs.

I try to guard my recovery and sobriety to the best
of my ability and not let her inter my thoughts, but
her actions continue to speak volumes in my head
and heart and it hurts.

Still i will not let her ruffle my feathers and remain
peaceful in recovery.

m1k3

Hey man, ((((hugs)))) I know what that is like except it was my father. After one bad incident where he threatened my one daughter physically we went no contact with him. Told my mother she could contact the girls anytime she wanted and even come to visit without him. I never heard from her again until he died and at that point there was no relationship to rebuild. She had her choices and she made them.

To be honest my girls are parents now and we have talked about that incident and their response is that it was not a big deal to them. They were 11 and 13 at the time as well.

Don't know if this helps or not.

Your friend,

Willybluedog

Thank you all, I was not sure when it was appropriate to get them into ala-teen, I though maybe 11 & 13 was a little to young for that but I will check into it.

The funny thing is my mom is good as gold to my kids when she sees them in person in her own home, but of course she can drink (she keeps a glass of wine on the kitchen counter as she putters around the house, getting a gulp every couple of minutes) she does not get really smashed until after we are gone.

My parents live in St. Louis, but have a farm in south central MO, they have to come within 10 miles of our house to get there, if my dad is alone he will come and spend the afternoon with the kids, have dinner with us etc., on the rare occasions when my mom is along with him they will stop for 20-30 minutes max, my kids asked me "why do they even bother to stop by when grammy is along". They are starting to really grasp that she has a disease and cannot help herself, they still love her, but it does not make the hurt go away.

My wifes family is spread out all over the country and they get together once a year for the 4th of July so my kids get to see them every year which is nice.

Due to the level of abuse and dysfunction my family has just drifted apart, my kids only have one cousin and she is a 19 year old whose main priorities are partying and sex so I keep my kids away from her as much as possible.

So for the most part it's really just us, my kids are happy and well adjusted, they get good grades, play sports and have lots of friends so I probably should not sweat this as much as I do, I am probably doing some projecting.

I am rambling again, you all are so good to me, I appreciate more than you will ever know, talking to all of you really holds me together between therapy sessions.

Thanks again,

Bill

Kialua

I'm glad you are settled with this more. This is a terrible predicament. Just keep teaching your kids that she is not all there and you are just being polite even though she isn't. I think this is a valuable life lesson in general for kids to learn. I always taught my daughter to be polite to my parents, never left her with them for one minute. She soon came to see what a bizarre situation it was. However, I felt that I was teaching her how to treat me as I age, not that I'm the alcoholic, but just the respect whether they deserve it or not, makes you a better person.

Try teaching them to only greet her and not really visit, to keep from expecting anything in return.

Isn't it bizarre to learn to deal with these people? Navigate their idiosyncrasies?

Willybluedog

Kialua,

Thank you, that is good advice, I will try and get them to a spot where they say hello, answer her questions and wait for the inevitable "gotta run", it is just so hard to not get sad over it, my children are very loving and caring people and soon they will be on to their busy teenage lives, I feel like my mom has wasted the chance to enjoy them.

I guess it is even harder for me because one grandfather was dead before I was born, I lost the other at four, and my grandmothers were "infirm" so I would give my eye teeth to have grandparets that were physically able to enjoy their granchildren.

My dad got to see my son kill his first deer, I was so pleased that they got to share a moment like that, it is something my son will remember forever.

I am rambling again, thanks so much, I really appreciate it.

Bill

MsPINKAcres

((WBD))

As a grandmother that doesn't always get to spend enough time with her grandchildren - this breaks my heart!!!!!!!

I love to hear the stories from my grandchildren of what they did that day, even if it is what they ate for lunch at the horrible school cafateria!

I hate that this disease steals that joy from your Mom and from your children ~ It is a cunning, baffling and powerful disease ~

I know our granddaughter that lives with us wants to be able to share all the details of her life with her dad but the disease keeps him from being available to her also. It makes me angry and heartbreakingly sad at the same time. They are both missing so much. She is missing the bond with her dad and he is missing seeing this beautiful little girl grow up.

Miracles do happen ~ Maybe Your Mom & my step-son will someday be the ones that finally click an see a better healthier way!

Until then - keep taking good care of those precious gifts ~ your children and good care of you!

PINK HUGS,
Rita

Willybluedog

Thanks Rita,

I know it's hard, their other grandma lives seven hours away and would give her left arm for more time with them, she talks on the phone with them forever when she calls on Sundays, they only see her 3 or 4 times a year because of my wifes work schedule and the fact that bad weather pretty much shuts out a visit from after Thanksgiving to at least Easter.

As you said hopefully one day the people we love will see the light, although at 77 I am afraid any light my mother will see is either from heaven or an oncoming train.

I will pray for your son, he still has time to really make a difference for his daughter.

Big hugs,

Bill

Willybluedog

Luweez,

I checked around and Ala-teen has a group for newcomers from age ten to age twenty on Saturday mornings, I am going to try and get them in there.

Also I have ordered The Brown Bottle by Penny Jones, from the reviews I read on Amazon they use this book in both ala-teen and ala-non and one person said it was required reading for both AA and rehab.

I hope it will give all of us some insight.

Thanks,

Bill

Kialua

Your kids learning about alcoholism and it's affects at an early age may keep them safe from it themselves and from choosing that crowd. So this may be somewhat beneficial in any case. Even though it's not fun to go through.