canguy

Today would have been my son's first birthday had he lived. I should be coming home to a wife, friends and a little party. Instead the house will be empty & quiet. There's beer in the fridge. I should chuck it out.

Maybe I'll hear from my wife when she gets the flowers I've sent to her new place. Maybe she'll see me. She called for a few moments this morning, so, yeah, maybe.....

I want not to drink. But it'll be the moment that'll be really hard not to. I've got a lot in my head that shouldn't be there, alcohol makes it go for a bit.

Dee74

I hope you do throw the beer out.
Life is full of should haves, and some of them are very cruel.

Some of us can get used to reliving those cruelties day after day after day tho.
It's not a great place to be.

Do you think maybe it's time you stopped punishing yourself, canguy?

D

Fubarcdn

My heart goes out to you Canguy.
I hope you find some peace.

Fubarcdn

My heart goes out to you Canguy.
I hope you find some peace.

MentalLoop

Canguy - it must be painful beyond words, but try and celebrate your son, not mourn him. The sorrow is unbearable, I'm sure - but that beer will only defer till tomorrow, what you need to start feeling today. I'm sure your wife is also struggling today, and unsure of where to turn - but if you want her to turn to you, your best chance of success is being of sound mind and of un-adultered mind.

Try and celebrate your son. Let his memory be the hand that guides your thoughts and actions. Make a commitment to put down the beer for him. Show him all the amazing things his father is capable of - talk to him - he will listen wherever he is resting.

The flowers you sent your wife is amazing. Maybe you can call her and leave a message if she doesn't answer. Let her know that today, you have resolved to honor your son's memory with happiness and sobriety.

I am inspired today to continue my sobriety by you Canguy. Let's do this walk together.

Itchy

Canguy,
I am sorry for your losses.
How much sober time have you got now? How much do you want?

Healthyfood

canguy

I know how you feel! I felt exactly the same. I had always booze in my cupboard. So much that could last till morning.
By continuing what you are doing now you will never see the other brighter side.
Exit is tough...but its worth for 100%.

Threshold

you have a big heart, a deep heart. Please don't drown it.

I know this day is incredibly painful, suffocatingly so, it all feels so unfair. But as others shared, drinking only postpones the healing.

Drinking away your life will accomplish nothing.

In all this, you still are thinking of your wife, the pain and loss you both share. There is a good heart in there, don't drown it.

canguy

...thanks to you all for that, its the constant feelings of guilt and remorse at what drinking has cost, marriage, child, a whole life. sometimes I feel physically sick when I think about it....its like a panic. Its harder when you're the one that's left, you have to continue living in the same space....with so much less. Its empty.

Hevyn

Canguy - I'm so glad you came here to talk about it. You aren't isolating - you aren't masking the pain with alcohol. I think you should feel very good about that. It's progress, even though it doesn't feel that way.

As you've already discovered, getting numb for awhile only adds to the misery. Your feelings are justifiable, & sometimes being a sensitive person is a burden. Yet facing the pain straight on without a buffer is the only way to heal. You're doing great, just by taking these first steps.

Sunny27

I am sorry for your loss canguy. Today must be an awfully low point, but as said, the drink will not help you. It will only make you feel worse tomorrow.

I hope you throw it out. Remember all the things drink did to cause havoc and sadness in your life. It is not your friend.

Sunny xx

2granddaughters

Is there Alcoholics Anonymous in your area?
You would meet a lot of people there who could help.....

Wishing you the best.

Bob R.

MentalLoop

Canguy - here is another thought. Although I am not an AA'er, I have read the big book - have you? As I understand it, one of the central premises of the path to recovery for yourself and others is sharing your experience with alcohol. While I am sure this could help you tremendously (as it is helping all of us on SR), I bet it could help you to effectively start the mourning of your son. Regrettably, there are other parents out there who have been through similar experiences. Why not try and seek them out through community based groups, and start by sharing your story. You may be surprised at your ability to help others, and have others help you.

Just a thought....

Wellness

Canguy -- Hang in there. This is my first post so please bare with me. I have struggled for years wondering if I had a drinking problem. I lost everything, my husband, my house, my business - went from earning $150K+ a year to taking my kids shopping at the food banks. I couldn't see my life ever becoming better. I felt sorry for myself. I was drinking wine to help me get through the tough times and I thought it would helped me put a "plan" together in order to get my life back. WRONG!!! It did the opposite. I would suggest you see you doctor and tell him were you are at. It is very possible to gain everything back. I did. After 2 years of being separated, my husband and I reconciled. We will be celebrating our 20th Anniversary this Valentines Day. You have to believe in yourself and more importantly be true to yourself. -- Big Hug

Deborah55

Canguy, All these messages to you made me cry. Your situation makes me very sad. I really loved what MentalLoop had to say to you; pretty much summed it up. I just wanted to say something. Death is a part of life. I also learned this by losing 5 immediate family members within the past 5 years. One was my 10 year old niece. She was killed by a boat while on a seadoo. My sister that has passed raised her; she died of a broken heart. I could go on and on, but I guess what I am trying to say is the word 'acceptance'. If you find acceptance with a clear head, you're gonna be ok... Take care of yourself. I will be thinking of you and wondering how you are doing. Best Wishes to You and your wife...Take care of each other, even if you are not together. You two have a great bond that will last for the rest of your life. + Peace+

lilac0721

I don't know what to say that hasn't already been said by others. You can get through this without alcohol. The pain goes away for a minute but comes back twice as bad when you sober up. And then a cycle begins. You've done the right thing by reaching out here.

canguy

Thanks to all of you for your support. Tomorrow will be a better day....I appreciate your taking the time to get me there. Post again soon.

Anna

I hope you can find some peace in your life.

quitforme79

Canguy I am so sorry to hear all that you have been thru and are going thru. I am glad you posted & reached out here. I hope that you throw the beer out and get some sleep..tomorrow is always better when we greet it sober

pangur

Canguy, yesterday you gave me the strength to get my act together, I've a whopper of a hangover, influenza and my wife is coming home in a few hours and will probably want to kill me. But, I need to deal with things sober, drinking only puts the pain on hold. I'm no expert, in fact I'm probably a complete failure, but awareness is an important step, we've both made that step.