Redheadsusie

So AH is in apology mode but also he spent last night in another town at Super Bowl party with drunk single guys from high school- it was peaceful at home with Extreme the Grey. He came home this morning and of course never talks to me. He texted an apology and e mailed about me watching Joel Osteen as it was important ( it was about not worrying about little things and ignoring them) and I did not respond -why should I. it infuriated me he thinks this is my fault and if I would just go with everything everything is fine. So he curses at me - he said - If I did not disagree with him he would not have to. Nonsense I know. Today I responded - got your message - thanks - No matter how I respond to your apology you will accuse me of being the Happy Princess or call me patronizing or make fun of me so I wont respond except to say I am in counseling and going to Al Anon to find peace. He says - Great - If it will help you and give us peace then do it. OK- Why do I want to spit blood. Why do I care what he says- why do I try to reason with a a crazy person. I would truly just like to smack the **** out of him.

Redheadsusie

Just so you know- I am a very easy going person - and to think I have been lowered to wanting to beat someone makes me so mad but I can laugh about it. I have never been a violent or angry person - wake up smiling - dance with the dog - dance at commercials - life is a gift!

Tuffgirl

I would be a liar if I said I had never dreamed of hitting my RAH upside the head with my cast-iron skillet! ; )

It's a full moon week...I always check my emotions during a full moon week since I am female and subject to all kinds of crazy hormonal phenomenon's.

But, having just bounced here from another thread - I have to ask if this is something you can just let go? Sounds as if it won't be one that can be resolved to your satisfaction. How big is this issue to you?

P.S. I am horrible at letting things go once I sink my teeth into them. I can get my mad on and stay that way for a week if I let myself. But my own Al-Anon and therapy lessons have taught me to let a lot of the small stuff go.

Redheadsusie

I can let little things go - I deal with that on an every day basis - learned to not mind him peeing on my back stoop - that is a little thing I guess - the dog pees in the yard - why the hell not? :-) Anyway- this is just part of the huge AH issue of abuse and alcohol addiction and anger and apologies - vicious cycle that happens constantly. I cant let that go and he takes ZERO responsibility for any of that - says that is just him - deal with it. I can't and won't- I dont' care if I ever touch him again . I am disgusted at being so pathetic I could love someone so mean to me - I need to love myself - I got energy work done Friday and that helped and I bought a Black Tourmaline bracelet that is supposed to keep negativity out. Heck- I would go to a ****** doctor at this point.

Willybluedog

IMO the reason this makes you angry is because his behavior is abnormal, this is a primitive deep seated response to being attacked, why shouldn't you be mad when someone curses you.

We have to learn how to get past this anger, I am absolutely terrible at it, I can rage until I am sick to my stomach, sometimes I feel like crap for days after I have been on a rage binge.

Like you I am normally happy, I am shy with adults, but I love kids and animals, I laugh alot at silly things, I can be happy just watching all my chickens in the back yard.

If someone flips me off, or talks trash to me, or a clerk is nasty, it ruins my day. I work and work at this stuff, it seems like it takes forever to get better at.

So don't beat yourself up, you are dealing with a master manipulator.

I carry an indes card and on it is printed the following:

1) Breathe!

2) Stop and think!

3) Walk away for a minute!

4) Use your inside voice!

5) It's not my problem!

These help alot to give me a little time to break the connection to my temper.

Best of luck and big hugs,

Bill

Adipsia

As I'm a Brit the whole thing about the Super-Bowl goes right over my head. The only thing I do know about it is from turning on the old BBC late last night and seeing Madonna cavorting about the stage like a teenager on steroids.

What I do appreciate however, is the importance of dogs in the lives of many of us, as they help to keep us grounded, living in the present and sane. They also give love unconditionally unlike many of our partners.

I gather from your postings that you have Greyhounds. I used to have a Scottish Deerhound, whose parents can be seen at the start of the Kevin Costner "Robin Hood" film. He was a big daft oaf - Nero, my dog - not Kevin, and whatever hassle I had been through during my day, he always reacted the same way, with undifferentiated love and affection.

Then he developed cancer in one of his forelegs. For days and weeks we worried about how he would react to having his leg amputated, as it was clearly causing him pain when he walked around. The stress was almost unbearable because for us his whole raison d'être as a Deerhound was to run fast and capture prey, and there weren't any three-legged Deerhound ancestral role-models in the film for him to follow.

He went in for his operation and his left, front-leg was removed. He was heavily bandaged but he showed no sign of distress whatever. He didn't worry about it, he only showed massive relief when the pain had gone.

You may sense a theme following on from my posting last night about how successful traders cut losses and run profits.

The only temporary issue that Nero had thereafter came down to his sexuality as a boy-dog, and having to learn how to pee again. He kept on falling over whenever he came to a lamp-post.

I hope that the underlying message in this tale - or tail - isn't lost.

Best wishes to you, I hope you're having a good day.

brownhorse

My therapist said it should take you 3 seconds to get out of a disrespectful or useless conversation and if it doesn't stop to find somewhere to hide, like the car in the garage or take a walk. Seems to help. I do not know why 3 seconds but it works.

Tuffgirl

So having said all that - can I ask, respectfully, why you still allow this man in your life?

You are right about the anger and apology cycle...been there. But you have the power anytime to say "I am done. So long, ahole"

Adipsia

It's a bit like hitting Ctrl-Alt-Del on your computer except that Microsoft's operating system takes longer to reboot.

m1k3

I thing Tuffgirl got it right. The big question is what are you getting out of this relationship?

Your friend,

suki44883

I got energy work done Friday and that helped and I bought a Black Tourmaline bracelet that is supposed to keep negativity out. Heck- I would go to a ****** doctor at this point.

Really, I'm not laughing at your situation, but the above reminded me of a joke:

My husband, being unhappy with my mood swings, bought me a mood ring the other day so he would be able to monitor my moods.

We've discovered that when I'm in a good mood, it turns green. When I'm in a bad mood, it leaves a big frickin red mark on his forehead.

fedup3

[QUOTE

My husband, being unhappy with my mood swings, bought me a mood ring the other day so he would be able to monitor my moods.

We've discovered that when I'm in a good mood, it turns green. When I'm in a bad mood, it leaves a big frickin red mark on his forehead.

[/QUOTE]

OMG do I love that!! :rotfxko

Thumper

So exhausting. Keep working. I feel you are getting closer to saving yourself. You did it before, you'll do it again.

I got a visual right away when I read your post. I had it of myself for awhile but I think you are spinning a lot faster then I was because you ah is more abusive.

Here is what I pictured - You and your ah aren't really dancing anymore. You are spinning. You have each other by the arms, feet together, bodies tipped out - and you are spinning. You are holding on so tight because you fear if you let go - you'll just spin away. He tells you this. While turning those scary circles so fast you scream at him and beg and wait for him to let go or stop the spin - but he will not.ever.let.go. He is an alcoholic and he'll spin you faster. He'll suck you up into a tornado. You must be the one to let go - and when you do, you will not spin away into a scary place. The spinning will stop, the world will come into focus, and you can breath.

Redheadsusie

You are all so smart and I am so appreciative of your responses. They give me hope. I agree I am spinning- I just got a counseling appointment for this week so that is a start. I came home tonight and my computer had a major virus on it - my business computer - AH goes on it to scan his work report daily and I know he surfs porn - he has ruined 4 computers doing it already - I have begged him to not go to questionable sites on my business computer - he says he does not. He surfs porn daily which I find vile. I asked him - you were on the bz computer today - he says yes- I say well there is a major virus on it now and all these pop up things - he says well it wasnt me. It was fine when I left for work today mind you. So he look so guilty- I say well you cant scan your reports now and left him at the hot tub. I have been working on it for hour and half. He comes in and He gets more and more agressive starts saying how dare you accuse me - you are unbelievable and then the F word starts flying. What do they say if you are not guilty you would not get defensive. Anyway- he stormed out and I in my messed up brain feel guilty now - maybe he did not do it (which I know he did) maybe i was mean - maybe it is me. The fact that every single thing turns into a cursing extravaganza is awful just awful - makes me feel like white trash. God knows I am whacked, This makes me crazy. I am crazy.

dollydo

Good grief, lock him out of your biz compter, easy going is one thing...being trampled on is another....What are you thinking...this is not the first time he has done this, he continues to lie to you and you continue to roll over and accept this insanity...I am 64 years old, I hope I live long enough to see you stand up and be counted....for good.

Please get some help for yourself, it is clear to me that you are not capable of making
sound, positive decisions for yourself.

blueblooms14

The train will always plow us down if we stay on the train tracks. Get off the train tracks.

Leave this guy- he will keep doing the things he does.

Its a wonderful thing to be free of this stuff.

Redheadsusie

I need to be free- my son and I went out to Cracker Barrel and laughed and hung out and talked and supported each other's day. Stuff I don't do with AH because he is not capable. Hopefully with a counselor, Al Anon and my 2 sons' support- I can do this. I know I am worth it- I live alone with no real support from AH and take care of myself as it is- I will do this somehow. Thank you for the support and encouragement and also being real with me. I am blessed.

Thumper

Just because it doesn't feel right doesn't mean it is wrong. At the end of my marriage, when I knew I was done, I relied heavily on SR and a counselor to help me clear my thinking and to validate my experience so that I knew what the next right thing was in my head. Then I did that thing even though it felt wrong. I knew it felt wrong because my feelings were out of whack and operating on faulty wiring. I had felt stuck for years and once I got one foot up I wasn't about to put it back down again to try and figure all THAT out. So I kept moving. I'm glad I did. I can work on the wiring now from a place of peace, emotional safety, and security.

I should add that it wasn't as easy as I just made it sound, you can read my first posts and there is proof of that! I also went to al-anon for a couple months and while the principles of al-anon help me in many ways I found their literature more helpful then the actual meetings. Maybe because of the place I was when I walked through the doors? I think if I were to go back today, I'd find the meetings more helpful. Anyway - just adding that because if you find that al-anon is not enough to help you move forward in some way, then perhaps you need to add something to your recovery.

I think you have one foot up.

TakingCharge999

Willy I am also really bad at "anger management", today I received a rather hostile email from my new team lead and I just cried of frustration. I feel slightly better now.

Thinking about this I see its not that much the details of the email or the manner it was written but how it describes a deep rooted fear/belief of mine: "I am not good enough". This belief can make me stall and make me believe I was born intrinsically undeserving of good things. It is difficult to overcome this and I know only in therapy will I be able to gain SOME self esteem. I surprise myself as to how low it can be..


How did it go with the counselor Readheadsusie?

Hugs.

amy55

I happen to like anger. Anger is just an emotion, and if it is used as that, and used assertively, it is a good thing.

My EAH was a very angry person. He wanted to get better, (that is, for the few moments in the year, that he was not angry). I bought him books on how to control anger, etc, etc, etc.............. Many books. He didn't get anything out of them, but I did.

I used to sit and dwell in anger, would think of all the unimaginable things. Thought of frying pans, hitting him over the head with them repeatedly, knives, stabbing him repeatedly, but he always got back up in my fantasies, because I wanted to do it again, and again, and again, and etc........................

Then one night, I lost it, it was the final straw, and it wasn't even as bad as the other times,

And I woke up, and said to him, "Cujo, could you please remove yourself from my room, (I had the den in the house, and he had the living room). So he said, fine, I guess you don't want to be reasonable tonight, or nice to me, so I will leave.:rotfxko

He went into his living room, left the lights on all night in there, (this was to let me know that he was willing to continue the fight). I never went in there, stayed up for another hour, enjoying tv, and being alone, then went to sleep.

I was not boiling mad this time, which was good, it allowed me to use my anger assertively.

Next day, he went to work. I packed up my car, and left to go to my friends house for New Years Eve (12/31/08).

He called 3 hours after he left to go to work. He called to tell me that he was not coming home that night. I told him, that I was half way to our friends house, that I did invite him to come also, but he had said no, and that I was not turning around to go home to take care of our dog, because he knew I made plans for New Years, and that he better go back and take care of the dog.

I NEVER WENT BACK. And that was the best thing that I could ever done for myself.

So, yes, anger is good. Just use it in the right way.

Now happily divorced !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!